The waffarian

Why should I be the one?

2012-01-31T00:14:00.004+01:00

Why should I be the one to help others? huh?

Is there fucking "Maria Theresa" written on my forehead?

Why should I always be the one that has a fucking moral obligation. Huh?

Why? Why should I be the one that reacts when I see something bad? Someone in trouble?

Why should I be the one? After all, how many help me? How many people have helped me when I was in fucking shit?

Nobody. There was nobody.

And what exactly do I get for my troubles? Do I get a "thank you?" No. Do I get flowers? No. A card maybe? Huh? Nothing.

Instead, the person you are trying to help makes you feel like an idiot. Makes you feel like you should never have bothered cos all it does is cause more shit in your life. So why should I be the one?

Why?

If there is anybody out there that has an answer, please tell me cos I feel so fucking demoralized right now. What kind of world is this where you get punished because you want to do the right thing? because you believe in doing the right thing? Because you know that the truth is all we have and removing it will never make anything right again.

Tell me. Please. Because at this very second, if I see another human being in trouble, I am ready to look away, just like everybody else.

Note to self...

2012-01-24T21:10:00.001+01:00

Just stuff on my mind...

2012-01-23T03:04:00.003+01:00

Once in a while I get a bit worried about stuff. I try not to be but it feels like there is just so much I still need to fix in my life. Okay, I have worked very hard the past three years to tie up all the loose ends but sometimes it feels like its taking forever...

I know after this year, things are pretty much going to be very stable but still, I have to mentally push my self everyday to be strong and sometimes it feels like if I even stop for a moment, I won't be able to keep going so I try not to think too much and just concentrate on all the things I need to do.

Its really hard not having any "buffer" or whatever. Its like there is no room for failure. I don't have any more alternative plans. This is it men, everything needs to work or else I am pretty much screwed.

Do you know how hard it is to have that kind of pressure on the mind?

But what to do, I just have to keep going. I stop to even think a bit and it will all fall apart.

Life.

5:06 am and ...

2012-01-09T05:05:00.003+01:00

Listening to this...

Nothing much.

Cider.

Finished reading "Freedom" by Jonathan Franzen. It was weird reading that book cos its just about ordinary boring mundane human relations. Nothing too dramatic or spectacular and yet I was so absorbed in it. I don't know what it was that got me sucked in...definitely not the drama...perhaps just the fact that he can really describe those fucking useless seconds of life that most are too lazy or impatient to do. Damn, that man must be a patient human being. Even I, who love all that emotion shit would have been willing to skip some stuff. I don't know how he did it but it is strange to be reading with excitement something that is boring.

Editing...

2012-01-06T13:45:00.002+01:00

has to be the most boring thing on earth...

I am sick of it.

Going out for a walk.

Just another "classic" male ego...

2012-01-03T12:28:00.013+01:00

Okay, I am really not at all a "snotty" kind of person. I hardly talk about myself (apart from on my blog of course and my diary)to others except I am asked. If not, I don't naturally just talk about myself. Anyway, so this guy comes over yesterday and we are having a good time, drinking wine and just chatting, he asks me if he can smoke. I say "sure, no problem". He takes out his cigarette, takes a drag, and all of a sudden, turns to me and says...

"You think you are better than everyone else"

"Huh?"

"You think you are better than everyone else, you have your nose all up in the air with your books"

"Huh?"

"What? You think you are better than me cos you have books and a bookshelf?"

(Mind you, my books have been in boxes for years and I only got a bookshelf recently from my neighbor and that was the first time he was seeing my books or bookshelf. Of course, it is noticeable cos it was not there before, but other than that, its not a fucking big deal. Anyway, no need to explain further. Everybody has bookshelves, its not anything spectacular).

When he said that last sentence of course, I began to smile cos it was amusing. Was he being intimidated by books? Jesus have mercy! Cos I mean, its not me he is intimidated by cos until he saw those books, he never thought I was stuck up or anything. In fact, he always said I was such a down to earth person, now all of a sudden, I am stuck up?

I looked at the books and wondered which of them had got to him? Anyway, so in my mind, I am thoroughly amused to see him all worked up in such a way...

So there he is, smoking and looking at me to see if he can get a reaction from me.

I did not really feel like saying anything so I just kept starring at the books, wondering how pieces of paper can bring forth such a strong reaction...

Anyway, after a while, he comes and sits next to me and says...

"Is it not true? You think you are better than me?"

"Its not true"

"But you think you are better than me? That's the truth"

"Its your opinion, its not the truth. That something is an opinion does not make it true"

After a while, I see his shoulders relax and then he kisses me on the cheek and says

"I was just joking, you are such a nice person. You are the nicest person I have ever met, it was just a joke"

WHAT THE FUCK, MEN?

What kind of useless humour is that? I think he was really serious cos in some fucked up way he wanted to hurt me but since the only reaction he got was amusement, he decided to play it off as a "joke".

Yeah right. What kind of low esteemed man gets intimidated by a bookshelf?

That's fucked up, men.

They are just books.

Meanwhile: Am I really gonna start off 2012 with some man telling me who I am? Really? Is that really the way my relationship with men is gonna be this year? Cos if that is the case, then this year is gonna be another hopeless year. But hey, it just the beginning...lol...Lord have mercy.

and meanwhile, he wasn't all that either...if you get my drift:

2012!

2012-01-01T20:20:00.004+01:00

Hell yeah! Lets see...progress report.

State of mind: Best it has been in years!

My brother, reacting to my new state of mind said to my mum "ah! that's Waffy. She is always happy every New Year and then depressed the rest of the year"

Ha! A big HA!

I am the new, improved Waffarian.

Just wait till he sees my smile, as Alicia Keys would say.

Men: Bite me!

Work: Good potential

Money: Good potential

Traveling: Even better potential

Seems my year is full of potential.

Love and peace.

Life is gonna be good this year. I can smell it in the air.

Yeah, I know this song has been on my blog a couple of times already. What can I say? I just like it.

In an r'n'b mood...

2011-12-29T12:57:00.002+01:00

I am rehearsing for New Year...

Update on stuff...

2011-12-26T10:11:00.002+01:00

Eye is healing wonderfully, I have been a good patient and my mum is here cooking, cleaning and all that mummy stuff.

I wish I could meet my Godson now, I know I will impress him with the fact that I actually have a mummy. He says I am "1000" years old.

I haven't done much "thinking" this Christmas, just glad and at peace in a weird way.

I spent too much money on groceries but I know it made my mum happy to feel like I had stocked up on really good food.

Okay, now my flow has been disturbed by my mum.

Got to go.

To my ever faithful readers, you are all appreciated more than you know.

Love.

Eye surgery...

2011-12-23T18:11:00.005+01:00

Had eye surgery two days ago.

Its the most painful thing on planet earth.

I am typing with one one eye.

I was in excruciating pain most of that night. I started hallucinating and what not. Its the worst thing I have ever been through.

I took a taxi home after the surgery by myself and felt lonelier than ever.

Then I got off at the wrong building. My neighbour who became my nurse as well, came down to meet me.

For two days I have mostly been in bed, calling my neighbour on my phone and waking up long enough to eat or take more pills etc.

Today though, I woke up, had a shower, washed my hair. made some food for myself and was awake for a little bit then I dozed off again.

Now I woke up again, ate something, will take pills and sleep and hopefully when I wake up tomorrow my mum will be here and everything will be fine again.

My friend asked me if I knew anything more depressing than being alone at Christmas in a hotel. Well, try being alone with an operated eye.

This has been the most painful shit I have ever been through. All I could say to people when they called was "I am in fucking pain".

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I am glad I have done this finally and next year can start without health stuff on my mind.

Be good and if you guys don't hear from me for a while its just because the light from the laptop hurts.

Lots of love,
Waffy.

The door...

2011-12-20T05:13:00.006+01:00

"Its not as if the door is against you" my neighbour says, bursting into laughter.

"Yes, the door is against me, it hates me"

"Its just a simple stupid thing, you are angry for other reasons, its not only the door"

"Its the door. Why me?"

The door to my building is driving me crazy. I so wished I had a gun yesterday, I would have shot the fucking electronic keypad or whatever its called to pieces! My door is one of those that uses an electronic key. I came back home last Friday and it was not working. I wanted to call my neighbor to get him to open it for me but I realized my battery had died and I did not know his number off head.

I headed down to the nearby restaurant to ask if they had a battery charger and could charge my phone. Luckily for me, one of the guys had exactly the same kind of phone. I got my battery charged whilst I drank cider. Afterwards, my neighbour opened the door for me.

The whole weekend, it was the same thing. Normally, I could have also used my phone to open it but of course my phone was not registered or something so that was hopeless. Care taker's office is not opened at weekends so I had to suck it up and wait for Monday, that is, yesterday.

The guys at the office after a while give me a new key. They can't figure out why the old one does not work, everything looks fine and should work. Anyway, they give me a new one cos I insist its not working.

I get home yesterday, do you think it worked?

So there I stood, waiting outside in the cold about to ring my neighbour when I see someone about to enter the building followed some meters behind by two black guys. I realize immediately that the guys are Nigerians cos they were speaking pidgin English.

Anyway, so the first guy opens the door and so as not to let the door close behind him, I quickly hold it open so it does not jam. Now while I am holding the door with one hand and my bag with the other, these two guys, (maybe they thought it was my job to stand there and open doors for people????) just stroll past me, with me there, like an idiot opening the door for them. It was like I was totally invisible.

I was so pissed!!! I wanted to shout, "are you fucking kidding me????"

Anyway, so four of us are waiting for the elevator and suddenly I feel like I don't want to be in the same place with such rude people, so I took the stairs instead.

By the way, same thing happened while I was waiting for the bus. I was the first at the bus stop, waiting patiently. When the bus arrived, all of a sudden, some guys that had come after me, just maneuvered their way in front and got in before me whilst I was standing open mouthed by the side.

I realize its cold and everybody wants to get into the warmth but come on, some fucking decency!

Then I get home and that useless door.

I really feel like that door hates me. Everybody else's keys works, why not mine? Its very annoying.

Just another monday...

2011-12-19T12:40:00.003+01:00

I slept like a log yesterday. All week I had been looking forward to sleeping.So many things on my mind and Christmas is not one of them. I avoid places that are near shopping malls although you can't miss the frantic shoppers on the trains and buses. Bags all around them, taking up all the space.

My friend bought all her gifts online. I thought it was a fantastic idea! Why go through all that browsing in shops with no destination? Madness.

Love life: I have stopped taking calls from potential lovers because I always have better things to do and it is hard to explain to them that my "better things" often involves reading books, writing or watching movies. They are just so uninspiring if you get my drift. They bore me. I have no lust for romance.

Well, I am boring myself these days so I really should not complain about others.

Have a good week and don't shop too much. Send cards instead, that's what I do.

Hold On...

2011-12-15T21:12:00.002+01:00

Hold on people.

Life does get better if you hold on long enough.

Lots of love.

My friend went bananas...

2011-12-12T01:36:00.010+01:00

I just came from a friend's place. I think she has lost it. She was screaming, banging her fist on the table, shouting right in my face, very aggressive. I can't even explain it. It was the worst scene and also the most dramatic scene I have ever been involved in. Totally unbelievable. But first, the details...

She was pissed off at her daughter's choir mistress. Why? Because the girl had been practicing for a huge concert which they had today by the way. Last week, when they had one of the rehearsals, my friend had called to say her daughter could not make it because she couldn't bring her herself and she can't ask the babysitter to do it because the person was already doing her big favour by babysitting. Choir mistress then suggested if the daughter could not be dropped off by another kid's mother (practically a neighbour). My friend then started screaming at the choir mistress and telling her that she has no right to tell her how she should fix a baby sitter, bla bla bla, that just because she is an immigrant does not mean she can not think for herself, etc etc etc.

When she told me this story, I understood why she got pissed but since I work with kids as well, I can also understand that if it is for something huge like a concert, the teacher perhaps was just anxious about the daughter's role for the concert and in my opinion, I don't think she necessarily meant anything bad.

Anyway, when my friend told me how she had screamed at the teacher, I simply said this:

"I understand why you were upset but If that had been me, I would not have taken it so seriously"

That's all I said.

She went off the handle.

She just went nuts. Screaming, crying, saying stuff about how I was on "the blonde bitch's" side. How "no bitch" should tell her that she has not seen "the whole picture", how she spends lots of money on babysitting every year...

But the biggest insult, here it is. The one that mothers always think will hurt you because you are not one. the one that for some fucking reason, they think will be a huge blow...

She said: "And anyway, you don't have a child"

All this while, mind you, I was just sitting and watching her. When she said that, I simply packed my things (I had to take the last bus anyway so its not as if I could stay longer) and said: "All these accusations are your own words. I have not said anything of all these things you are saying. I am your friend so I am always on your side but we are very different and I am just saying that I would have reacted differently had that been me. And anyway, this is totally unnecessary. Thank you for the dinner".

I can't even be angry because I think she has alcohol issues. She and another of her friends had finished a box of wine (you know those wine boxes...how many litres are they? whatever) and another bottle of something.

However, when she calls tomorrow, I am going to tell her that while I understand her issues, that will be the first and last time she ever screams at me and insults me for whatever reason.

I will take this but only this once.

She will have to apologize and then I will also suggest that we don't meet or contact each other for a while because I don't want to see her for some time.

If she does not want to apologize for whatever reason, I guess that will be it then.

I am not sad... just worried for her. That was totally crazy. It can't be normal to react like that.

I am tired.

Another radio favourite...

2011-12-10T00:30:00.000+01:00

Yeah, wide awake.

5:09 am...

2011-12-07T05:09:00.003+01:00

and awake.

I enjoy these times alone.

I enjoy spending this time in my own world, doing my own things.

When I leave my space, I also enjoy being in the outside world doing outside world stuff.

However, anytime I am here, its my little refuge from everything and everyone.

I don't have to worry about anybody else apart from myself and that's always a huge burden off my shoulders.

A friend asked me the other day how I can be so happy to be in both places. Well, the thing is, nobody ever forces me to be outside or come back inside. I do both because I want to. When I leave this place, I enjoy doing what I have to do outside and when I come back, I look forward to coming back and being by myself. Its quite simple actually.

My friend's daughter was here yesterday. I enjoyed her company but I was also looking forward to her leaving and having my space back.

I don't think I am extreme but I agreed with my friend that I don't really have any middle ground. In both places, outside and inside, I have to enjoy doing whatever it is I am doing or else it all falls to pieces.

Yeah, perhaps some people will understand it and perhaps they won't.

But who cares? Its my world and I can do whatever I want to do.

Europe's song for the winter.

2011-12-05T12:06:00.003+01:00

Always on the radio, this is definitely the song for New Year... David Guetta is king of Europe.

"I'm gonna fucking kill myself!"

2011-12-03T21:31:00.005+01:00

I was at this concert last month and I can never forget this guy who in a moment of pure ecstasy shouted "I'm gonna fucking kill myself"! It was all too much for him. I remember everybody around me just dying of laughter cos we could all feel his emotion...lol...anyway, so I finally found a clip of it. Anytime I remember this particular moment, I smile cos everybody around me was so fucking high on the music. The moment is at 2:03. Great memory.

When we were young, crazy and poor...

2011-11-30T14:44:00.006+01:00

I read "just kids" by Patti Smith and then I thought of you.
I thought of John and Yoko Ono and I thought of you.
I thought of you when we were young, crazy and poor.
About how so many things did not turn out right
So many things I would rather forget
Fleeting nights in train stations
And all the things I did with you
Has it been so long now?
When we dreamt of places like Tibet and Las Vegas
Places where no one would find us
And we could do whatever we wanted
All those books we consumed
Now they tell me my eyes are destroyed
And that maybe I should regret those times
But the books were what kept us sane
And drove us away from our demons
I don’t know what you are doing now
But I thought of you when I read that book
Of the times when we were young, crazy and poor.

Hospital anxiety...

2011-11-22T10:41:00.004+01:00

I hate going to hospitals...

Usssssssssssssssssssssh.

Anyway, I have to go whether I like it or not.

It sucks.

Music for the night...

2011-11-21T00:47:00.003+01:00

Not sleeping.

Thinking about lots of stuff.

Some strange movie on TV.

Feeling that weird feeling that I have to move...I don't know why...like I need to relocate for some time....but if I do, what would that I mean? That I have no idea whatsoever where I am supposed to live?

My friend who relocated to London says he finally found where he is supposed to be. He has moved three times.

But I don't like London...

I just haven't found my place on earth. Which just means perhaps I have to search harder, travel more,maybe its out there somewhere just waiting for me...

I do like Croatia though...

Anyway, whatever. I'll just listen to music and suck it up as Americans would say...but my sister thinks I was born in the wrong era, she thinks I am trapped in the wrong body. She is sure that I should have been born in California during the hippie movement. I would have been a surfer, I would have played the guitar and sat around bonfires, high as a kite.

Maybe New York? I am kinda feeling New York these days...

I should just listen to music and suck it up.

November...

2011-11-19T15:39:00.003+01:00

Riding my bicycle in the cold is an experience. I think I sweat more in the cold than in the heat. I was drenched.

Things are okay even if financially, I should be worried. But what to do?

I can't believe its already the end of the year. The last three years have been tough but my friend Tina believes 2012 is going to be a great year for everybody. I feel it too.

I have a serious craving for alcohol.

I have borrowed books as usual but have not had time to read them.

I'll try to read them during the week.

What else?

Nothing.

Girl stuff...

2011-11-17T12:27:00.004+01:00

What to make of this? Please someone that is good at understanding the minds of men, help out cos I don't really get it.

1. Met someone, had great time, perfect day, was supposed to meet next day, he called saying "I can't". So never met for planned date.

2. Did not hear from him for about a week. Then suddenly he calls and wants to meet up.

3. Met up with him and had "ok" day and then again, he disappears. I don't hear from him for more than a week.

4. Now this time, I called to check what was up, we make another date. He calls and cancels.

5. A week later, he calls and wants to meet but I say I am traveling so its not possible.

6. Today he calls and asks if we can meet. I tell him I am not comfortable with all this date planning and disappearing act of his cos it just makes me very uncomfortable not knowing what he is up to. So I decide to be honest with him. I tell him that I am not meeting him because there is a possibility of having sex and if that's what he wants then we can as well stop playing games cos its just wasting both our times, however, if he wants to meet up to get to know me better, then its okay but I can't do all that "disappearing" shit. Anyway, he says its just a big misunderstanding and its mostly because he has been very busy and if it makes me feel better then, we can meet on whatever "terms" I want. I tell him just getting to know him works for me. He says then that's what we will do then. However, what's up with all that cancelling all the time and never calling? I don't know. I am not totally convinced that he is being honest with me.

7. At the same time, I feel like I should perhaps give him a chance.

8.But I seriously don't have time for complicated shit at the moment.

9. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

10. To meet him or not?

Back in town...

2011-11-16T03:22:00.002+01:00

Was away for a while.

Quite a bit happened but I am not in the mood to write it all down.

Had some very good moments and some not so good.

Happy to be back in my little space.

Its not much but its mine.

Met an old friend. Will write more on that another day when I can compose exactly the feelings that I had in me.

Thoughts at the moment: Tired and can't really deal with anything that requires my brain. I don't want to make any decisions. I think I am hungry.

Lots of love.

Good night.

Just something...

2011-11-07T21:48:00.005+01:00

He walked beside me. Fast, very fast. He does not look at me. We are going to the same place but it seems my presence makes no difference. I begin to feel invisible. Why don't you see me?

But soon enough, my mind takes over and I also begin to drift away. I forget that he is beside me, I start to hum inside and I feel the wind on my face. He says he is cold. I am not sure I care, one way or the other. Now I don't see him either.

Then we arrive and he is normal again. He sees everybody, talks to everybody. I feel good, it does not matter if he sees me or not. Other people see me. Other people smile at me. I smile at them. A woman I have only met a couple of times offers to pay for something for me.

I don't know what to say. I tell her she is nice. She says "I am not at all nice".

A guy that I have always been meaning to talk to is in deep conversation with someone else. I try to catch his eye but they are speaking in French. I forget about him too, after a while.

I eat one cookie after another and observe everything around me. I don't have anybody to talk to, but it does not matter. I have drifted away again.

Then I discover the sweets. I start to eat them too. I try all the sorts. The guy sitting next to the sweets laughs at me. He thinks it is funny.

When we leave the place, again, he is silent. He ignores me as if we had not arrived together or left together. He almost forgets to say goodbye.

I wonder what kind of a person he is but I can't be bothered to do my usual analysing...

I run to get the bus.

Now I am home and hungry.

Oh What a World...

2011-11-06T17:01:00.003+01:00

Heard this at the gym and liked it so much, so sharing...its wonderful, isn't it?

Its like this...

2011-11-04T16:03:00.007+01:00

I am thinking I must be the most boring person on earth this friday. There is nothing to do. Nobody to visit.

I wish somebody would just call me out of the blue and invite me to some house party or something.

You know, like those kind of house parties Dr Dre and Snoop used to have...full of people just grooving, food, beer, music. You know everybody and everybody knows you. You get in the room and everybodys hailing you...

Damn. I have to convince my friend to have a house party when she moves to her new house. With dress code and all... 90's hiphop. Which reminds me of my brother and his obsession with Snoop and Dre. Morning till night, he would listen to Snoop. Used to drive everybody crazy.

A nice mood...

2011-11-03T11:29:00.003+01:00

All my childhood friends in Nigeria are getting married left, right and center. There will be no singles left by the end of the year. Just talked to my brother's childhood best friend who has always been my number one hang out buddy back home and now, he too is getting married. The only thing I could think of was "who will I hang with when I go home?" but at the same time, I am quite positive for them cos that's what they all want, dream of, so in a way, it's their dreams coming true, and isn't that what we all wish for? For dreams to come true?

I feel better today so I am going back to the gym. I have been quite fucked up the last days so it will be fun to have some energy again.

What is new? Nada! Life is okay. Doing what I have to do which is all life can ask of me at the moment.

Stay cool, live life, be good.

Dreaming...

2011-11-01T11:41:00.002+01:00

Dreaming intensely again.

Although I am too lazy to write them down.

Ah! my wonderful subconscious going into overload...

Tired?

2011-10-31T15:42:00.003+01:00

So my body has been totally fucked up these past two days. I don't understand what is happening. Is it the winter? Am I going to be sick? Am I tired? Am I going to be depressed?

I have been sleeping a lot which is quite unusual. As you all know, I am not really a "sleeper".

Okay, I worked during the weekend but still, that's not enough for my body to crash as if there is no tomorrow.

Anyway, what's new?

Nothing much over here, except went through a "mini" heartbreak. Not a big one, cos after I slept and woke up, the world was back in balance, but still, my heart hurt for some hours. Somebody "played" with my feelings. By constantly inviting me out and then calling last minute to take a rain check...it was quite absurd. My friend Tina thinks maybe he read "the game" or something. Anyway, so that got me. I just wanted to scream "I AM A GOOD PERSON! I DO EVERYTHING RIGHT, WHY CAN'T THE WORLD GIVE ME A BREAK?". Anyway, after realizing that the guy was probably an asshole, life was good again.

Maybe that's why i feel tired. All those fucking emotions...

Anyway, all is well that ends well.

Love.

Saturday....

2011-10-29T14:48:00.003+02:00

Had breakfast.

Took a walk.

Talked on phone with friends.

Had coffee with friend on bench and got some sunlight.

Now I am going to the gym. Not enough time to eat so I guess I will eat after gym, and then off to work.

Tomorrow I will write and sleep. Now I have to go.

Lots of love.

At the gym today...

2011-10-27T22:11:00.003+02:00

I was so shocked when this song came on...haven't heard it in years!

I enjoyed it so much...no particular memory, but it just felt so familiar..

Back in business...

2011-10-25T13:33:00.006+02:00

I feel like my old self.

Like when I was a teenager and everything was possible (Like learning all the dance steps on MTV tapes and feeling like a super dancer, even though now when I look back, I know I sucked big time, but in my mind, I was just too super cool. Damn, those were the days!)

I feel like I should change my name and just be somebody brand new.

But hey, I wouldn't be this new person without having been that old one, right?

Why God why?

2011-10-23T00:16:00.003+02:00

And now they are showing "Schindler's list".

I know I will suffer...this film will kill me...God give me strength. Why can't I just put off the damn TV?

God, how I hate sad films...

2011-10-22T23:46:00.003+02:00

I was just clicking away on TV and got stuck in a scene in the movie, "my sister's keeper", Jesus. My whole heart hurts. I feel so sad that I feel like throwing up. I seriously hate watching movies with these extremely heart-wrenching scenes. Jesus, its like somebody put a knife in my stomach and just kept twisting and twisting...God, that was a sad scene. The girl in the hospital, about to die and the mum lies down beside her...

I broke down, men...

Thank God its over. I seriously can't take so much sadness in life. No more TV for me. I am gonna go read a book or something...

Some Persian news...

2011-10-22T20:27:00.005+02:00

So today the Persian called and sounded really upset. He wanted to know what he was to me...

Chineke, God Of Africa, what kind of question is that?

First of all, when I asked him that some months ago, he said, it did not matter, that I was his "friend", so why is HE asking me now?

"Waffy, tell me, what am I to you? am I your friend, your boyfriend or what? I want to know who I am beside you".

I told him that he gets the same reply he gave me before.

He is angry cos he called me last week and I said I would call back and I never did...

"You said you will call back, its been one week since then" he said.

"And?" I replied.

"That is your reply..."and"?

"Yeah..."and"?

It was then he went off into the speech of who he was to me.

I told him to call me back when he was in a good mood.

He should go and rest. All this drama this early evening...

Inspired...

2011-10-18T13:35:00.006+02:00

Listening to music and totally inspired to write well today. All of a sudden, nothing else matters anymore except getting my stuff done, doing my best and being satisfied. I still have so much work to do and I know that I can do it as far as I stop being distracted with all these little worldly things.

I enjoy what I do and I am so grateful that I can get so much satisfaction from such a simple process.

The world out there is full of intrigue and I am curious but I am also curious about creating my own stuff. And in the end, I think I am more curious about my creativity and the whole process than having a bit of worldly romantic stuff that is not always reliable or stable.

How on earth can I even compare the two?

I don't want to be distracted. I can't afford to be distracted.

That's why, my dear man, you do what you wanna do. Say what you wanna say, live your life the way you wanna live it, as for me...

I have stuff to do.

Therapy for my soul...

2011-10-17T15:45:00.003+02:00

I wish I was someone that you could love too...

But I am not and its okay.

Today was the perfect day...

2011-10-16T21:57:00.003+02:00

Words are not enough.

5:15 am...

2011-10-16T05:13:00.003+02:00

Came home late from a party. I made one friend who I think will become a good friend. She is about my age and we could not get enough of each other. We just had a connection that was strong. All the guys were jealous and tried getting into our little space but we were inseparable. We left together as well and had a lovely time taking shit about men.

Got home and then chatted with an old friend on skype. Talked about stuff. Mostly our past stuff. Had no good advice except "life is whatever, men, just take it as it comes". I don't know, I wish I could be more of a help but sometimes I really don't know what to say. As far as we are all alive, we are all heroes. Most things will solve anyway. It will be okay. I hope.

Its not that I am sure of anything but really, what use is there worrying? I just can't worry any more about the future. I have spent too many years and too much time and energy worrying about it. I am spent.

I am not worrying anymore.

Whatever, men.

Whatever.

2:47 and awake...

2011-10-15T02:47:00.003+02:00

On my mind:

Music.

Beauty.

Soul.

Tragic.

Hope.

Inspiration.

Vulnerable.

Tender heart.

Dreaming.

Wishing.

Love.

Life.

Thank you.

Somebody stop me...

2011-10-14T11:41:00.004+02:00

Okay, in just one week, I have hit on three different guys. Gone on one date, going on another on sunday. I don't know how this madness came on, all of a sudden, my mouth just says "do you want to have coffee sometime?". But best of all, I don't feel any commitment to any, I just want to go out and have some fun, meet people, socialise, etc. I am not looking for "love" or the other culprit, "romance". I am sort of in a "fluffy" mood so I don't really want to discuss the problems of the world at the moment or any other serious stuff. Life matters, man/woman problems, I am just not in that space. Last date, the guy is seriously into politics. "For as long as I have been alive, this has been my passion". His words. I swear. All I could say was "Damnnnnnnnn, thats hardcore". I gave him my two cents on corruption and I guess he was impressed cos I got a mail from him saying how much he enjoyed our talk and we must make it "longer" next time. But that is how life is, when you are looking for something more than fun, you never find it and when you are looking for just fun, all of a sudden this person that likes to discuss world problems comes along. I have to admit, halfway through his explanation of yet another social or cultural factor, all I wanted to say, was "did you say you can danse salsa?"

Half awake...

2011-10-13T16:53:00.008+02:00

There's something about today. Its like I am in a dream or something. Its cold. I keep thinking I am dreaming when I am awake and awake when I am dreaming. The sun is reddish, I painted my nails orange on the bed. I am listening to the radio. Everything feels so familiar and at the same time not really real. I ate a good lunch thinking that will make me feel a bit "fresh" but I still feel sort of drowsy. At the same time, I keep thinking of somebody's laughter. It was a very strange laughter. Genuine, from the heart. Its the guy that cut my hair. His laughter is stuck on my mind. He told me he went on holiday for two months but ended up staying for one whole year. We both bursted out laughing when he said that and we could not stop for a long time. I don't know what was so funny. And I kept laughing because his laughter was infectious. When he laughed, he looked straight in your eyes and laughed with you. I woke up today smiling because I remembered how happy he looked laughing.

Nice...

2011-10-13T08:44:00.005+02:00

My eye problem is finally gonna be solved! One of my eyes has serious astigmatism and I was there last year and they made me do all kinds of tests and then they said I would have to have a "hard contact" lens on that eye so I got scared and never went back, after paying for all those expensive tests.

Anyway, got a call from a very nice lady at the hospital today who said they had been reviewing my journal and saw that my journal seemed "irregular" and she doubts if I would need "hard plastic" (I still don't even know what the fuck that means)but it was important that I have something to help me, etc etc, so now I am booked for a new consultation with a very very nice lady.

Truth is, I would NEVER have called or gone back there and this has really been on my mind for the past year, that I should do something about it. I know they might say the eye is "worse" and it will all be my fault. I know that but at least, the issue will get some resolution and it can be one more thing off my mind.

Thank you life. I must be doing something right these days.

The salon...

2011-10-12T10:17:00.004+02:00

I know I have issues. I like to go to the same places that I am familiar with. Places like the salon or the gym. I hate trying out new salons cos it always takes me time to get used to the people that work there and also for them to get used to my hair. Most hairdressers complain about my hair cos it gives them "extra" work cos its very thick so you can imagine how irritating that is for me. Hearing them sighing and grumbling while I sit there, is not really a nice experience for me. The worst that happened to me once was a young guy giving up half way through and saying he would be willing to pay my money back but he just could not do it cos his arms were not strong enough to keep blow drying. Can you imagine that?

Anyway, so I found my Lebanese guys who have never once complained. In fact, they follow the life of my hair with much interest. Genuinely happy when my hair is looking good and screaming "catastrophe!" when my hair is not taken care of, which is often.

My Lebanese guys left the salon they used to work at. But one of them gave me his phone number before they left and I remember wondering why. Apparently, they were already planning their move but could not tell the customers since they were still working in that salon.

Of course, you can imagine that I lost the number. I went back to that salon sometime last year, only to find out that the brothers were gone. I almost had a heart attack. Who would do my hair now? Since that time, I have not cut my hair.

Its sick, I know. I tried getting my sisters to cut the ends for me but they thought I was being ridiculous and asked me to go to a real salon instead. I never did.

Anyway, so yesterday, I moved a painting I had, and wedged in, at the back of the frame, was a card. Who the hell keeps important cards wedged in the frames of paintings? In my sick head, I must have thought this was the most important place I would remember to look.

It was the number of one of the Lebanese guys.

I called and asked where they were now...he was in shock for some time, then he said...

"Its been two years since we moved!"

I was too ashamed to tell him that since that time, I have not had a haircut cos I did not know where they were, so I said "yeah, I have been living abroad".

Anyway, now I have an appointment for my hair, so I have to go...the good part is since I have not cut my hair, my hair is quite long now. The bad part is that it is total CATASTROPHE!

Cos its raining...

2011-10-06T13:23:00.003+02:00

Waiting for the rain to stop...

If only I was a teenager...

2011-10-05T08:24:00.001+02:00

October already...

2011-10-04T10:00:00.007+02:00

Ah! This life is just time...your clock starts ticking and then one day it stops. Jesus. I should stop looking at clocks or I'll go crazy.

What's new? Nothing much except I have returned to the gym...

The gym is an interesting place. The other day I was just putting my stuff into a locker only to be confronted by a pussy in my face. I don't understand how people do it. They just stand there, stark naked in very close proximity. I am telling you, an inch futher and it could have touched the tip of my nose. I don't get why she could not have moved a bit or tie a towel or wear her panties. And it was a very short spanish speaking girl with bow legs. She was just chatting there with her friends. There was just something bare about her. I mean there were other naked women in the room but maybe it was the bow legs...anyway, it was a rude shock.

So, I am in "aches and pains". Sore all over. I actually forgot that all that stuff hurts.

OOps. I gats to go...time waits for no man.

Have a good month and a good week. Love. Yeah, enjoy some soul. God knows we all need a little sugar in our lives...listen and pretend you are somewhere else, doing something else...except you wanna be right where you are, then just enjoy.

I don't mind but...

2011-09-27T20:23:00.005+02:00

This is the second time this kind of thing is happening to me. Some months ago, my phone rang and it was "so and so gave me your number he said you could maybe help me"...

Today, it was a friend of mine who phoned to say another friend of hers had an emergency and needed help with some writing assignment...

I don't mind helping MY friends and even strangers but sometimes people just demand so much time and energy...

So this person I am supposed to help, comes and she does not really allow me help...mostly she wants to do it herself but perhaps just needed someone that thinks calmly. I eventually figured out how to help her but it would have gone faster if she did not keep interrupting me and being so forceful. She kept saying stuff like "I am stubborn"...

Its hard to help people you don't know cos you don't know what approach to take with them. If it was my friend, I would just have said "do you want me to help you or not? cos if you want help, then shut the fuck up"...

Also, I just think its a bit presumptious to assume I would like to help THEIR friends...where do I know them from?

People just demand stuff they have no right to.

I know I could have said no, but sometimes its hard when people use words like "emergency"...

Positive Vibration

2011-09-27T08:50:00.001+02:00

Just wishing you all love and peace. Keep on keeping on!

For whoever needs it...

2011-09-21T22:42:00.003+02:00

This song is so beautiful I almost wish I had unrequited love...where was it when I needed it?

Anyway, just in case there's anybody out there suffering...you see, so many go through this business of unrequited love, its just one of those things... so keep your head up.

Love.

Library...why can't I do right by you?

2011-09-19T17:10:00.003+02:00

Its a pity. I really thought this autumn will be better. That I would start my season of borrowing with a good and clear conscience. So I paid off all my debts and started afresh. I am always ashamed when I look at my borrowing history. Always late. Never early. Always borrowing. Never returning.

I knew I had one book in my possession but I was not ready to return it yet so there it stood. On the other piles of books in the corner, accumulating dust and debt.

And now I am owing again. But worst of all, I can't borrow the other books I had set my mind on.

Ah! I feel quite irritated with myself. I don't want to fall back into old habits...

Anyway, apart from that, I feel quite okay.

Have a good week and be good.

Love.

Missing so many things...

2011-09-13T15:45:00.004+02:00

Saw the other day on the internet that Christy Essien Igbokwe is dead. Awwwwwwww... another part of my childhood, gone.

Too bad. Really, its too bad. I think I need to eat some Nigerian food or something...

Early...

2011-09-12T06:49:00.005+02:00

Totally quiet in the building. Except for me and my radio. I always wonder what people do when they just wake up...farmers, little kids, patients in hospitals, fishermen, lawyers etc. Its like one of those things that can look either extremely beautiful or completely and totally sad. Early mornings are such lonely times and depending on how you see it, can be the best part of the day or the worst part. It can be "what a beautiful morning" or "shit! am I still alive? great, another day in this mad world!".

As for me though, I am just proud of myself for sleeping six hours without waking up. Its a miracle.

This new schedule must be working...

Hope you all have a great week. Listen to lots of music, eat good food, talk to friends, enjoy your family, etc etc. All that good stuff.

Love.

Thoughts on a saturday...

2011-09-10T15:31:00.003+02:00

Have you ever woken up and all of a sudden knew exactly what you had to do? I don't know when last I had such clarity of mind. Maybe when I was in boarding school. I used to wake up knowing exactly how I wanted my day to go and what time units I had to allocate for "punishment".

Well,I woke up from a dream in the begining of this month knowing exactly how I wanted this last part of the year to be, next year and in fact some part of my future. This never happens. Me, planning stuff.

Is this a part of my brain waking up, perhaps? Has it been asleep all this while?

Two people have remarked on my new found energy. My friend Maria, said to me the other day,"this sounds like the waffy I used to know" and the Persian, who also said "you know, these days, you are full of energy, always up to something". Take today, for example. I came to the library where I now have my office(Yes, my office is in the library. You may wonder why? Well, I happen to book a couple of hours each day in a private room with a computer. Its wonderful. I pretend this is really my office. The sad part is that you can't book many hours in a day). On getting here, I realised I forgot as usual, my code. Now, the normal me, would have given up. Okay, well another day. But no, not this new person. I went back home, got the code and now I have been here doing some good work.

Anyhow, so now I actually have a working schedule. For work, for writing, for exercise, for reading, for cooking, for shopping. I am telling you. I am on the roll here.

In fact, I am going to get a calender and start ticking off stuff as the day goes by.

If only I could get a good sleeping pattern...everything would be perfect.

Happy weekend.

P.S: We'll see how long this schedule lasts...he he he he

Love.

In a reggae mood...

2011-09-09T18:07:00.004+02:00

Yeah, when I am gone from reggae for a while, my return is always so sweet...

HAPPY WEEK!

2011-09-05T10:19:00.003+02:00

Busy, busy week.

Feel quite okay.

Feeling positive.

Reading a lot.

Writing.

and back to riding my bicycle before winter sets in.

Hope you are all okay and life is treating you guys well. Here's a wonderful song for the week. Starts at 1:03. I can't get enough of it!

Just sharing...

2011-09-04T01:43:00.004+02:00

Watched the crossroads festival (2010) on TV and just loved this band and this song. Its so great. So I am sharing. I am so sorry I had never heard of them before. Well, now I do.

and here is the studio version.

Some energy for the week...

2011-08-30T15:54:00.002+02:00

Stuff...

2011-08-29T15:37:00.003+02:00

Today started out okay. Woke up quite early cos I could not sleep so I had time to dress up and leave without the usual time problems.

Anxiety: Forced myself to do something incredibly important even though I have been putting it off for ages. When that was done, I did not feel good. I thought I would get some sort of satisfaction but I did not.

An old "boss" called me out of the blue...all "a.s.a.p" and if I could rush in, emergency, bla bla bla...ehnnnnnnn a BIG FAT NO!!! That one has issues. I don't even know why she still has my number. I have erased hers months ago.

I feel tired. I think I used up all my will power to get just one thing done. Now I feel like I have to take a nap even though I drank lots of coffee. However, I feel a bit active than I have done since returning. I used my bicycle instead of taking the bus.

Anyway, I am exhausted.

Adios.

Patrice, surely, I can do better than just defend?

2011-08-25T19:41:00.009+02:00

and you know it.

Late sunlight...

2011-08-23T18:50:00.007+02:00

My skin stung...from the sun. I don't know how many hours I sat there or what I had intended to do sitting there...

Three Americans lay sprawled out on the green grass their loud laughter reaching me from time to time.

I had forced myself to go out, take a walk. Do something else than think about what I had not yet done. It was a step in the right direction.

I did not have any notebook to write my thoughts so I wrote everything in my head and went over and over it until I was satisfied about how I would write it when I got home.

I thought about the woman who was the same age as I was, handicapped with three children and she still found someone to love her.

"There is hope" my friend had said when we discussed the woman's story.

"All is not lost" I replied.

We talked about love and friendship and the dream of having both.

I did not want to talk about love, or men or dreams or possibilities. I had done good this summer. No drama with anybody. A peaceful and quiet summer. No heartbreaks, no falling in love, no crush, no dating, nothing. Except for the Persian who I am not sure counts as anything. We eat together and drink together. He buys fruits and expensive wine that I would not buy.

He knows me but he does not really know me.

In a way, he knows my moods, the things I can say and my unpredictable behaviour. He understands that I do not wish to share certain parts of me and he lets me be. In that way, he knows me.

But I don't tell him many things. I don't share many things with him. I don't invite him to my deepest thoughts or feelings. He knows nothing of what goes inside my head. He knows nothing of my dreams.

I met a friend this summer that I would have liked to share these thoughts with but he said everytime we met, that we were so different. He said it so many times that I began to believe him. In the end, I stopped trying to share anything. I went back into my shell and plastered on my face a pleasant enough smile. Its one of those times that I will remember when I am old. Should I have said something? I would have, had I been younger. I would have taken the risk and taken the bullet if I had to.

But these days, call it old age if you will, I can't be too bothered about these things. I know that these things do pass. These feelings that seem uncontrollable always eventually calms down to being controllable. So I just waited until my feelings calmed down and all was well again.

Yet...I know, that when thinking about this person, I will always wonder if he felt something, if anything, for me.

Discovered...

2011-08-23T11:25:00.005+02:00

I discovered this band, "duman" at the culture festival last week and since then, I have had this tune in my head. I actually had to go through all their videos on youtube to find the song I was looking for since I had no idea of the name of the song or what it was about or anything. But I finally found it. They make good music. I ended up watching lots of their videos, the live shows were particularly good.

and this one is also good....

Song in my head...

2011-08-19T13:46:00.002+02:00

Nothing much.

Thinking...

That I should try harder tomorrow...before time runs out like sand...do better.

Be good.

Something like that. Nothing too hard.

Welcome back!

2011-08-16T13:34:00.006+02:00

After gone for almost a month, I returned yesterday morning. It had been a good month, spent mostly with my family and making new friends. I did not spend time with old friends as I thought I would. This did not bother me so much. Its the cycle thing. I am sure it was meant to be that way because I would not trade the moments I had with my new friends anyway.

I had expected to spend my first day alone but I had to go get my keys which I had left at a friends place. She in turn, had given it to her relative who works in a shop in the city so I dragged myself and my luggage across town to get it. He was super nice to me, told me "welcome back" and gave me a hug. This was quite refreshing. Nobody ever says "welcome" when I travel because nobody is ever waiting for me anywhere.

By the time I got back home, I was very tired. I was fast asleep when the Persian called to say he was coming over.

He arrived with a bouquet of red roses. They were red like blood and fat. They looked amazing.

"Welcome back" he said.

And then he gave me a basket of fruits (ha ha ha...not suprising as he always visits with fruits)and a birthday present. A gift card to a shop I like.

This made me incredibly happy.

Then he helped me clear out my fridge, find a vase for the roses and then we went to a nearby restaurant and had dinner.

Yeah, it was not so bad to come back after all. I had dreaded returning to the emptiness of my room...

Now I am listening to music and then I will go for a walk and perhaps buy ice cream.

Love.

I am 33 today.

2011-07-26T10:39:00.011+02:00

I am 33 today and for this birthday, I have done things differently.

I am with my family. Safe and warm, I woke up in bed with my sister beside me. I have been here for a while now and I have been sleeping quite well these days.

The year has gone by so fast and my mind is so much stronger.

I have really worked hard on myself this year which I am proud of. I have done all the reading I wanted to, thought about things, made up my mind about things, faced up to stuff, etc etc.

I thought I had a lot to write about but now that I am actually sitting down to write, all I would like to say is that I am fine.

I am doing well, I feel good and I don't see how I could wish for anything more at the moment.

The best part about this birthday though is the realization that I really do know so many good people. When I look around me, I feel incredibly grateful to be able to be part of my world. I need to be more thankful about the wonderful people in my life. They are all incredibly special, original human beings and as I wish only the good stuff for myself on this day, I also hope and wish with all of my heart, only the good stuff for them.

And to my wonderful readers who are more like friends, I thank you all for sharing my world with me and for being part of my life. Even if it is this little bit on the internet.

Happy Birthday to me, and happy life to you all!

Lots of love
Waffy.

You can read my thoughts on turning 32 here, 31 here and 30 here.

Thinking...

2011-06-23T11:55:00.003+02:00

We have seen some suffering baby...

But that's life.

The tune in my head...

2011-06-21T01:10:00.002+02:00

Been cooking and listening to this...and drinking liquor...

My stuff...

2011-06-15T21:17:00.007+02:00

I read...
I walk...
I write...
I eat fruits...
I listen to music...
I think about lots of stuff...

I don't meet too many people...
I don't talk to too many people...

I basically hang around with myself...and I don't care anymore what the couples around me think. I smile at them when I see them passing me by, hand in hand. Nobody ever stops to chat but we recognise ourselves from the lift, staircase and little shop nearby.

At first, I used to be so conscious of them looking at me, wondering what I am to, again...

But somehow, these weeks, I have become totally oblivious about most things around me...

Anyway, thats it.

P.S: Ventured out to the city on my cycle again even though I had thought I wouldn't be doing anymore of that this week. Its a wild wild west out there...

I am too complicated...

2011-06-14T12:55:00.003+02:00

I can't stop it...

Today...

2011-06-13T22:12:00.004+02:00

2 hours on bicycle to my friend's place on the other side of town.

Had lunch. Drank lots of coffee so I don't sleep on the way back. Left her place by 7o'clock.

Got home by 9:30.

So many dangers on the way. Other cyclists speeding like no man's business. People on their phones not paying attention to where they are going. Old people. Cars trying to park and almost hitting cyclists. Buses. Taxis.

Lord have mercy.

I was forced to get down many times and walk cos everybody just seemed to be crazy this evening.

At one point, there were two cyclists talking and cycling side by side blocking the narrow cycling path while a third who was also with them was on the phone and zig zagging beside them so I could not get past any of them because beside the two idiots talking were cyclists coming from the opposite direction. To top it all, we got to a crossing where an old couple was trying to make it to the other side while at the same time a taxi was trying to turn or something...

I was wondering if they were all normal...for real...was I the only one seeing that this was a potential accident? What is wrong with these people?

I made it back home safely but it took total concentration not to hit someone or get hit by another.

Oh boy...

2011-06-09T10:29:00.005+02:00

The good news is that I don't have bed bugs at my place! Yipeeeeeeeeee. There was a scare earlier this year going around cos some guys down the corridor had beg bugs so now they are checking the whole building. I have to admit, I have been living in a state of paranoa since then...any itch I get, I begin to think I have bed bugs...any little bite, bed bugs, any sleepless night, bed bugs.

And now, they tell me, they is no trace of such...

and I fell in love with one of the bed bug guys...

Damn...I kept asking questions so they won't go away...and I think he could guess cos he was also just taking his time to answer my extremely stupid questions. I seriously don't know how to flirt...I made a damn fool of myself.

But damn, that guy was cute.

Thinking of...

2011-06-08T16:56:00.007+02:00

Life. And love.

Still going...

2011-06-07T09:50:00.012+02:00

With this beautiful weather has come my companion, insomnia. Even though I actually try to do lots of stuff during the day so I can be really tired when I get home, still, all night, I toss and turn until I finally give up and just sit up.

Yesterday, I tried everything possible (except sleeping pills) but nothing worked. If this keeps up, my brain is going to reverse back to its usual destructive tendencies...

However, I am grateful for many things this week. I have been admiring myself this week. In fact, I am in awe of myself. When I think about how strong I have been this year, facing up to stuff and really trying my best despite all my crap,(emotional baggage, insomnia, past, mind always on fast foward, worry about future, sensitivity, dreadful migraines etc) I can't help but feel quite happy and grateful that I am who I am.

I am not perfect but I wouldnt want to be anybody else.

The only thing I need to do is perhaps socialize more. But I am really trying my best. And later, I will be with my family so its not so bad. That will make up for these days of being totally alone.

Yep, I just have to keep going...is there any other alternative?

The only thing on radio is:

2011-06-05T17:13:00.009+02:00

At any given time, it does not matter when, this summer, the only thing on radio is this:

Or

Or this

Or

Or

Listening to...

2011-06-02T21:51:00.000+02:00

She always makes me feel like I am in a dream world or something...all I wanna do now is drink a cocktail and wear some fancy dress with red lipstick...

Cool...

2011-06-02T14:14:00.004+02:00

Nothing much...listening to music...old and new...

I am okay. A bit slow these days...a bit bored...I need some new books or something...

Any suggestions? Anything new and exciting out there? anything worth reading?

and some feel good soul...

2011-05-31T13:13:00.000+02:00

All my looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove....

Finally fixed my bicycle!

2011-05-30T15:33:00.004+02:00

So I finally did it.

I walked up to my neighbour and asked him if he could help me with my bicycle. He is good at fixing things...as I heard.

So he helped me fix it. It was not a huge problem as you can imagine. Just one of those really tiny problems that my floating mind can not really grasp.

Then I went for a long ride. Oh, the joy! It was really sunny and wonderful.

Its been a long winter for my bicycle as well. First, it was parked at a train station until december then when I moved here, I parked it outside my building. So its been out all winter. Everything looks rusty but its working fine.

Now all I have to do is get myself to start jogging again...

If only I could do that, I swear I would be happy...normally its starting things thats the problem...if I could only just start, I normally stay on to the middle part and then finishing stuff is always a problem.

So basically, I am a middle kind of person. The middle is never a problem. I am hardcore there. But try and get me to start or finish anything...

Its an issue man. I should get some therapy for that.

Which reminds me, I saw one of my old drama profs the other day just by mistake. I turned around to ask for the time, and there she was! I was so embarassed cos I was one of her shining students but do you think I ever sent her my end exam paper? ha ha ha ha...you guessed right!

Anyway, so we talked a bit and she told me she still wanted me to send it in and that I could still get my points, I was like "whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"

Which blew me away cos I never really bothered to check if I could or not. I just assumed I could not.

I explained to her about my "finishing stuff" disease and she said she had it too, so I should not worry.

And music for the soul. Love.

A summer of writing...

2011-05-29T10:09:00.005+02:00

Yep.

That's all I will be doing this summer.

Writing.

Doesn't that sound lovely?

But before then, I still have one more week of reality to deal with.

And then, its off to fantasy land! I can't wait.

This will probably be the summer before the rest of my life which will henceforth be known as the last summer of my old life. I am not waiting for a new year to begin a whole new life again. No way. My new season starts from september.

And now, my all time favourite summer song. I listen to this like crazy every summer. I cant imagine that people don't listen to this and sip cocktails or just lie in the sun...which reminds me that I have to visit the reggae record store. I havent been there in ages! I am not sure I have even been there this year at all. Dammmmmmmmmmmmn. Thats really too bad.

Just stuff...

2011-05-19T07:06:00.003+02:00

Tired.

It must be all this walking up and about.

Need to write as soon as I can settle down.

I think I and my friend have covered every philosophical topic there is to cover...

Talking about stuff feels good. I should do it more often but it has left me a bit drained....maybe I talked too much. I always feel guilty when I talk too much. Like I have made a fool of myself...

I feel good.

But she is leaving today.

I am a bit sad but I just have to be grateful anyway...

and that's where I am today. Sad but grateful.

Girl stuff...

2011-05-17T02:07:00.004+02:00

Okay. A good friend of mine (a guy) just said this to me...

"I want to slide down the rainbow with you". What does this mean?

a)I want to take you for a ride

b)I like you

c)Why don't we fall in love?

d)It means nothing

Background: Good friends for years. Know each other quite well. But haven't seen each other for years. Contact again. All grown up. Innocent flirting.

I am leaning towards B or D...

Dream and laugh with me...

2011-05-14T12:11:00.010+02:00

So my friend from this post is around and we might soon be thrown out of every bar or restaurant we visit because of our laughter.

We have the same kind of humour, so you can imagine. Everything is funny. We see the same things and laugh at the same things which means my usual "silliness" (as my mother calls it) is now double cos we seriously edge each other on, non stop. There are no breaks in the madness...

We dream and laugh like thats all there is to do in life.

And I don't want to wake up...

Cos there are lovers everywhere...

2011-05-11T18:42:00.003+02:00

Every summer, I ask the same question: Where were all the lovers during the winter?

Now its summer and it feels like Julio is at every corner...

Just a girl in a man's world...

2011-05-09T19:05:00.004+02:00

I didn't make it, suga
Playin' by the rules

Doing laundry and listening to music...

Perhaps I was the only one laughing...

2011-05-09T10:36:00.007+02:00

Things are pretty much okay. Or rather, as expected.

Drank some wine with a friend yesterday and the Persian dropped by. My friend then proceeded to interrogate him as if we were in some African village somewhere and a man had just come to ask for my hand in marraige.

Thank God I was drunk because it was quite embarassing. I think at one point she even asked "what are your intentions" or something equally irritating. I wanted die but thank God for the wine, because after a while, I actually began to enjoy the drama that was unfolding before my eyes. The Persian was looking straight at me and sitting upright while my friend was nodding away in deep concentration. They both seemed so serious.

At that point, looking at my friend and the Persian, I began to wonder if I was the only one laughing?

And some hip hop...

2011-05-08T00:03:00.005+02:00

I listen to hiphop when I have to get into my hustler mood.

So I can feel like I am hardcore, which is how I HAVE to be sometimes to get through stuff.

Especially when I am feeling extremely tired and I just want to lie down right in the middle of the street and say "whatever happens, let it happen. I ain't taking one more fucking step".

Just when I am about to make this dramatic performance on the road, I start humming some hiphop song and pretend I am some hardcore hustler...

It works, you should try it.

P.S: Today, I washed some underwear by hand cos I did not want to put it in the machine. Anyway, sun was really shining and I was thinking I should just hang it by my window...but I was not sure if the people in the opposite building would see it...after thinking for a while, I decided to just hang it. And just as I did, I heard a whole bunch of whistling and laughter! When I looked across, the window of the apartment opposite mine was open and there were a couple of guys looking at me and drinking beer. I wanted to die!!!

New stuff...

2011-05-05T10:45:00.009+02:00

Fruits in bowl (I don't buy fruits cos they just go rotten but Persian guy eats lots of fruits...so he has that...a huge bowl with fruits always on his living room table. It reminds me of the movie "Samson and Delilah").

Turkish music.

Some kind of pure sugar on a stick. Looks like a lollypop. Its for tea.

The constant tea drinking.

Dates (the fruit).

I don't mind all this new stuff. In fact, its quite comforting. Eating fruits and pretending I am in a desert somewhere in some kind of love story...wearing all that silky stuff floating in the desert breeze...while my knight in shining armour feeds me red grapes...

Another "tired" day...

2011-05-04T17:09:00.005+02:00

I have been very tired lately. Which reminds me of my terrible winter when that nasty bacterial infection caused chronic fatigue. It was the most terrible thing I have every experienced. But let me not think about that...

I am having my period and feeling very uncomfortable and disgusted with myself and everything around me. I have had a shower twice today already.

I am just irritated.

Maybe I am just tired because I have been travelling a lot around the city lately. I often have to change buses, trains...almost everyday. Sometimes I miss the bus then I have to walk and then miss my next connection etc etc... Maybe that's whats got me so beat. I don't know. In fact, looking back at all the places I have been last week and how many times, I seriously don't know how I manage. I just block my mind and get into robot mode if not, I'd feel sorry for myself.

I can't stand my hair especially. It looks frizzy and dead.

I wore ear rings today to try and feel better but it just felt like dead weight on my ears so I removed them.

I hope its just cos of my hormones cos I really feel like crap. I don't feel sick though...

Just irritated and disgusted...

My friend once told me about a beautiful sunny day, when she and her guy were walking in a beautiful park, and in the moment of beauty, they stopped and kissed...

and an old woman sitting on a bench nearby squeezed her face and almost spat out the word DISGUSTING!

I feel like I could be that old woman today...

Too Afraid To Love You...

2011-05-02T11:57:00.005+02:00

I don't want to hurt anyone.

I hate being a mean person cos I am not mean.

But I can't just let loose and enjoy anything...

And I don't want to punish anyone for another's sins...

I can't relax, you know.

The only thing I think about all the time is

"I can't afford to lose one more teardrop from my eye"

I am so fucked, men.

Tired...

2011-05-01T13:49:00.004+02:00

I feel so tired.

So I am watching some Naija music with Terry G to give me some energy...

Yep. I like that mad man Terry G.

Happy Weekend!

2011-04-30T12:02:00.003+02:00

Have a great weekend guys!

Lots of love

and remember, you are wonderful.

Note the trees have time to blossom, change their leaves

2011-04-29T07:54:00.009+02:00

It would be wrong of me to keep holding unto who I used to be...

I can hide all I want but the seasons have changed.

I need to shed my cocoon but its scary...

Cos even though the cocoon was suffocating, at least, it was safe.

But as Bob Marley says, even the trees have time to blossom, change their leaves.

I used my time well. And I guess its time to change my leaves.

Whether I like it or not, its time to get back into the groove of life.

I have to go with the flow...and be this new healthy minded person...

Thats what I have to do. After all, I did the hardwork, I might as well begin to enjoy life...

Life is mine.

Totally weird...

2011-04-28T16:29:00.005+02:00

How could this be? Okay, so last week, I put my bank card in the cash machine and all of a sudden, I realised that I was punching in my old code...so I stopped. I tried to remember my new one which I have been using for some time now. Maybe three months or so. I used the old one for many years...

So I decided to just let it be...that I am sure it would come back to me. All this while, I have had cash so it was not really a problem. Then today I thought I had remembered the code so I tried again but its a wrong code. No matter how hard I try, it just won't come back.

And I can't find the paper I got from the bank with the code on it. I can find the envelope with which I recieved the damn code but not the paper (by the way, why I keep empty envelopes is beyond me...that is certainly an issue to be analysed. I have stacks of opened enveopes...let me not even say "opened"...actually, "torn" or "ripped" apart...)

This is totally freaking me out. Why can't I remember my code?

The thing is I have so many fucking codes for all kinds of things...its no wonder this one has just taken a hike from my brain. Last week I had to learn a new code for another door again...maybe when I memorised that one my bank code was replaced.

and where is that paper? I know I did not throw it away...its here somewhere...

UPDATE: Found the paper. It was in a bag that looked like it was meant to be thrown away...at least the paper bag looked like I had gone through all the papers that were in it...ehhhhhh...that was just the appearance. Inside, there are some serious documents men...why did i just dump important papers in a brown paper bag that looked like it should be thrown away? Jesus!

Morning mummy blues...

2011-04-28T07:21:00.014+02:00

So I just saw my friend totally flip out on her daughter. She got angry cos her daughter was watching TV when she should have been dressing up for school...

Men, she just lost it and started screaming at her...

I work with kids so nothing of that sort ever disturbs me.I am sometimes alone with 15 screaming kids that never listen to anything you say. You can say the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over again...you will lose your mind if you have a short fuse.

Plus, I worked for a long time with autistic kids and now with kids that have adhd...ha ha ha ha, "normal kids" for me is just "holiday" time. At least, you are not in danger of being beaten or kicked or scratched or have your eyes plucked out...

I babysit the girl often and I have been here for some days now having abandoned my apartment for a guest. The girl is an angel. She is no problem at all. But that's what I also thought about myself when my own mum used to scream at us every morning. I used to think, "what the fuck is her problem?"(By the way, now my mum denies ever screaming at us like that. In her mind, she was always patient...right! She used to go nuts at us right before we leave the house for school. It was crazytime at our home every morning. My dad was always like how I am now. If you don't do as he says, thats your problem. If you don't comb your hair, ehen, you will go to school like that. Which is how I am. I don't sweat the small stuff...nobody will die from those imperfect little details...)

My analysis of today's morning is that my dear friend is stressed because she is running late. Its totally her fault and not the kid's but like all mothers, they just scream in the mornings...I think its a biological thing. They need to get angry to get things rolling...

I feel a bit guilty though cos I should have said something to the child when she put on the TV but I seriously did not think it was a problem. Her mum was busy going nuts in the kitchen and the girl was basically just hanging around waiting to be taken to school...

Anyway, I need to get going. I need to be out of here before my friend returns and also starts screaming at me.

Good morning.

Life matters, logic, hate, "anonymous", etc

2011-04-26T06:04:00.018+02:00

The wise discuss ideas,
The fools discuss how people behave.

Paulo Coelho

If there is anything I absolutely DESPISE is people trying to involve me in shit that does not have anything to do with my world. Those that have been coming to this blog for years already know me and the kind of life I live. Its very simple. I live mine and you live yours. What people do in their own lives, I have absolutely no need to know neither am I bothered by it. Everybody has their own path to live and thats what I believe.

One of the main issues I had when living in Nigeria is the extremely low level attitude towards life that many people have. No offense to anyone but thats how I see it. I absolutely despise this whole conniving, hate and malicious shit people say about each other. People would just come up to you and start talking shit about people you dont know and even if you did know them, is not your business ( I once was on a journey with three ladies who had a couple of mags with them. I swear for the whole journey, all they did was turn the pages of the mags, abuse all the women in it, from head to toe. You can not imagine how many hours of hate I had to sit through. That was perhaps by far, one of the worst days of my life. I was so sad that women had nothing else to do with their brains than just insult one woman after another. At the end of the journey, I asked them if they actually knew any of the women in the mags they had. Of course they did not! To devote so much time and energy on people you don't know, defies logic, at least, in my world. I just don't get it).

My brain is very precious to me, I use it for only productive matters. I seriously do not have any brain capacity for such extremely shallow issues. And even if I had a bit of space for it, then it will be something to do with my own life and not others, be they family or friends.

It is something that I have never understood and still can not understand that kind of level of shallowness, In my own universe, it does not exist. It is just beyond my scope of understanding.

For the past couple of days, somebody has been leaving very nasty messages on my blog. Now, if these messages were meant for me, perhaps they would make some sort of sense. But they are for someone else.

I do not know why this person is leaving comments here when they can contact whoever they wish to directly. There is email, facebook, twitter, if you google the person's name, you will also find a blog.

So why come on here to stalk another human being? It makes no sense.

Also, why can't the person just deal with his/her issue properly? If you have an issue with someone, the proper and sensible thing to do is to confront the person directly and discuss what your matter is.

All this going around stalking, leaving comments here and there, on some sort of "hate rampage", is just the coward's way out.

Be brave, say who you are and confront the person. Cowardice will get you no where in life. If you really feel so strongly about somebody that you can devote time and energy to the person, then you might as well do it properly. What's the point otherwise?

But like I said in the begining, Naija life for me, defies logic. People would rather spend hours, days, years, gossiping and spreading hate than directly dealing with their problems. If only people would use that energy for themselves, they would achieve much more than they actually do. Imagine having so much energy but a postive one and using it on yourself? One could get so much done in life...

Maybe people just enjoy that sort of thing. I don't know. In my opinion, such hate and anger(and more often than not, motivated by envy)is destructive and very unhealthy for the soul. Nobody should bear such hate within them. It is a burden that nobody needs.

Anyway, thats it for today.

Easter is over. Back to life.

Peace.

What I actually did...yesterday...

2011-04-25T00:29:00.005+02:00

Yesterday turned out to be pretty good.

I washed my hair like I said I would, then I met my friend Maria for lunch. We had Sushi and drank wine.

Then I hung out the Persian. He drank whiskey and coke and I drank some more wine. We went for a long walk in the forest...

Then we went to his place where he cooked rice and some Persian chicken sauce. It was quite good.

And now I am eating ice cream...

So even though I did not spend Easter with family, I had a great time after all...

By the way, I started meditating again and it feels really good.

Love to all. Hope you all had a good easter.

Today...

2011-04-24T08:39:00.005+02:00

Woke up.

I should get breakfast.

Something good.

Drink a cup of coffee.

Take a walk.

Maybe take a shower first?

Wash my hair...

Yep...I should probably do that...

P.S: The Persian is probably coming over to hang out today. Something to look forward to. I have been a bit bored.

Easter reminds me...

2011-04-23T20:56:00.002+02:00

Of Nigeria and my father....

Music, food, visitors and laughter.

Our house was always full during any celebration period... all sorts of people.

I hope you are all okay and having a good time.

I miss my father terribly. But I always have music to remind me of him. And now I want to cry...

But life is as it is, we shall be grateful all the same.

Why am I so hopeless?

2011-04-21T16:25:00.007+02:00

Why do say these things? Its terrible.

The truth of the matter is that I am having a relaxing time at home. My plan was to "maybe" cook Nigerian food and maybe not...its too hot for soup...

Anyway, so the Persian calls and we chat briefly. He says something about going to the gym...and I ask if he is coming to visit after gym? He says no, he doesn't feel so good so he'd rather go to the gym...

And what do I say?

"So you'd rather go to the gym than be with me?

and he now he says he is coming over. I told him I was only joking. One of my useless jokes. It doesn't even mean anything. But no, now he is coming over. I insited many times that he should not, cos anyway, I was planning to go and do some shopping at the African shop...but all my pleads fell on deaf ears...

Now he is on the way here.

Why am I so hopeless?