Never too old for "Hotel California"....

My friend Valentina was here for the New Year. I met her by the train station. I haven't seen in six years. I hugged her like I saw her yesterday. Her hair is now all the way down her back. It has really been six years!"Its all the way down your ass!" I scream with surprise. She hates it. She can never do anything with it. We decide to go to a pub. We get beer like we used to when we were 19 and broke.She asks me if that's really what I want. What I really want is a glass of white wine but I feel like I am 19 again....and broke. We comment briefly on the dingy state of the pub...and then proceed to talk about the only thing she wanted to talk about..."old age".She reminds me of when we used to go to the "scottish pub" and laugh at all the women..."what's she doing here? old cargo!" and we'll laugh in our drunken states. Then we'll proceed to the next stop which was always dancing to "Gypsy kings" or "Abba"...every Saturday night, the same thing. She tells me she always tells everybody I met the great love of my life dancing to bamboleo. She is devastated about turning thirty. "I am old!" she says.

"We are old! Like those women we used to laugh at!". I drink my beer and get another. She asks me if I do not care. "Why should I? I can't wait for it to be all over, frankly speaking, the sooner, the better. I am not so fond of life" I say. She hisses at me.She invites me back to a country I left six years ago. She paints a very appealing picture. Just the two of us, hitting the pubs, laughing like maniacs and eating noodles in the mornings, then she spoils it all by saying "we are fucking old!"

She doesn't look old. She is beautiful. We laugh, drink and gossip about everybody we know. Our lives are all different. Just one person got married among the old group."Its because he is catholic" she says. He married "the Bulgarian girl". I have no idea who that is. I am still recovering from the shock of not seeing the woman I thought was his "great love" beside him in those pictures. I tell her I almost had a heart attack. "Everybody is getting old, of course he has to get married". I explain that the heart attack was not for the marriage but for the woman. She says the woman I know has not been in the picture for years. I sigh.

Then we drink some more and she tells me that I should come for a visit. We'll do the pubs...and this time, the young girls will laugh at us.

She is impressed I do not smoke anymore, I am impressed that she does. I stand outside with her in the cold as she smokes. For a moment, I thought I would cry but I don't. I hug her like I will see her tomorrow and I walk home, humming "Hotel California" all the way. I wonder if she still knows all the words...she always sang along when it came on. Everybody did.

Happy New Year, now unto other matters...

I now think I have been in this city long enough. I think I am now a regular at the "food and wine" shop around the corner. He (the man at the counter) now automatically gives me my regular phone card without asking what I want. Rude man. And a little smile won't hurt, for crying out loud! I am dreading checking for return flights, the customs officers and the loud Ryan air staff.

Now that I think about it, is it me or is flying "Ryan air" like being on some sort of "all in one" bazaar/bonanza/circus ? I almost had a heart attack when the plane landed and some "horn" came on( the kind of horn that would announce the second coming of Christ) and announced that we had arrived "on time" and something about Ryan air always being on time bla bla bla. What the fuck? Aren't they supposed to be on time? I kinda took that for granted. And then the air hostesses screaming as they pass by "sandwich/tea/something to drink/coffee" and then with these huge ugly dustbin bags "rubbish? rubbish?", then they announce like 15 times about their special sales for their tax free stuff (they actually call out all the names of their perfumes!) and then just as I think that is not bad enough, somebody starts selling lottery tickets? Phew! Oh and lest I forget, there are advert cards all over the over head compartments, colourful stuff. Okay, now I am done.

Anyway, so thinking about Ryan air is not helping matters at all. I woke up early today, determined to get some writing done but the voice on the TV is driving me nuts and my mum seems to be having a good time listening to the voice. She looked up a couple of times and said "I know I am disturbing you". I smiled and lied through my teeth "Not at all", I said, and went to the other room. Now my brother is here telling me for the umpteenth time the same thing. Something about me not telling him I had no money on my phone. Apparently he wants to use my phone and is disappointed I have no money on it. Well, he did ask me if he could use my phone and I said "sure". He has now left and I do not not feel like writing anymore.

I hope you all had a great New Year. I did. I danced, drank, laughed and drank some more.

Now, I can hear someone talking about "tray" and 'balance"(somebody wants food on a tray? I wonder what that is about...)

I need to check for those flights....

Oh, and is it me or is there anybody else that won't mind "sauce kid"? Cos I don dey dream of am these days with hot sauce for im body...

Old season...in bits and pieces...

Due to popular demand, okay..I lie...due to the fact that Christmas is fast approaching and a new year is just round the corner, I have decided to write a bit about my life this past year. Of course this will not be the full story as a friend has just given me the idea to write a semi autobiography so if you are still interested by next year, perhaps there will be a book.

What was I going to write about? Oh yes...so Christmas is finally here and a year has finally gone by. I met an old friend of mine the other day. My friend is originally American but this is the fourth country he is residing in now. I remember how we both used to say that we just wanted to feel "secure" and "stable". How that used to be one of the reasons for living in a certain country."I want to be stable" and he would understand...he would nod his head and we would both stare off into the distance, wondering if we would ever feel that way. Many years have passed now and meeting him in yet another country makes me feel like we are both moving further and further away from our dream. He seems to have given up. He drank his wine in silence..."what's keeping you there?" he asked. "Nothing is keeping you there" he said." You can move if you want to".

Yes I can move.

I don't know if I'll move yet but I am definitely starting over in my heart and soul. One thing I learned this year is that we all have amazing strength within us as human beings and we just need to find a way to get it out of us.

This year, things spiralled out of control faster than I ever imagined and soon enough, I realized that I could only depend on myself to pull myself out of the hole I was in. Physically, I was able to smile, meet people and pretend I was okay. Inside, I was screaming "HELP!". So that is where I was, my heart broken into a thousand pieces, my soul totured....but...I knew, for fucking once in my life, I had made the right decision. Come what may, the time had come to move on.

It was amazing that it was during this time in my life that God had chosen to send so many beautiful people into my life. People met on trains, in seminars, on buses, libraries...and yes, even on facebook!

However, one person touched my life forever. I met someone who blew me away with an act of kindness that I can never repay. Someone who kept me stable...even if it was for a short time. I had never felt safer in all of my life.

Yes...another year has passed and again, i embark on another journey.

And hopefully I'll meet even more beautiful people and angels (and I hope you all do too!)

I wish you all a very merry Christmas!

Lots of love,

Waffy.

Very Funny!

Chop me up...

1. No, it doesn't feel like fucking christmas. Its grey and cold and the fucking christmas lights....they are blinding. I tell you!

Last year I bought so many cards, all to be sent off to all my friends all over the world. Every address tracked down in time. Old phone books found in old suitcases, old emails searched and scanned for numbers once given.

I am empty...I have no christmas spirit...

2. Oh, don't bother with any uplifting stories of love...my brain does not recognize that word anymore.

3. Chop me up. Enjoy.

Chop me up - Justin timberlake

P.S: Feel free to send me booze for christmas!

Another facebook dilemma...

A once good friend of mine had a baby shower. Other friends were there and people commented on the pictures(facebook, naturally, where else?). Here is the dilemma, she NEVER told me she was pregnant in the first place. I mean, I know facebook is the new way to announce stuff...all of a sudden a picture of a big belly or wedding pics or status changes, etc etc, but here is the deal. I see my facebook messages in my mailbox. I recieve messages and I send some. I don't think I need to be on facebook 24/7 to do that. The most important thing for me is that people that need to reach me are able to and if I need to reach someone, I can. Finish. I hardly look at pictures except somebody asks me to...and even then, I look at the specific picture I have to and I move on. I don't like people pictures. Five hundred pictures of the same people in different moments (..now I am eating...now I am walking...now I am dancing...now I am smiling seductively...now I am waving...). I get bored easily. Point is, people announcing stuff with pictures will miss me cos I don't hang out long enough to get the gist.

Lets say I was not on facebook, how the hell was I supposed to know?

Its a fucking pain I tell you. If she had told me in the first place, I would have said "congrats"...or should I just say the "congrats" and get it over with? But if I do that, then she would wonder why I am just saying it now...

Jeez....I will just wait until the baby pops out!

Move for me...

I now alternate from one bed to another depending on my mood. When we were kids we each had a bed. Three beds in one room and yet it was not uncommon to find two of us sleeping in one bed in the morning. Driven to each other by nightmares, insecurity or worries.

"Move for me"

and the other person would, without asking why...

Now, we are all women, each in her own stage in life, with new insecurities, worries and new nightmares to face.

Yesterday, I stayed up late, using the light from my computer to read my book...

"You are gonna destroy your eyes" she said.

and in a flash I remembered those years...when my Dad would switch off the lights, "Time to go to bed" he would say, removing the book from my hands and gently covering my body for the third time. My mum would already be annoyed, having told me twice already to go to sleep.

"Just one more page" I would say

"Don't you want to keep anything for tomorrow? You will have nothing to read tomorrow if you read all the pages tonight"

He would close the door and when he was gone, I would crawl from underneath the covers, towards the light that emerged through the cracks...the light from the living room where I could hear my parents still talking, the noise of the TV in the background.

"You are going to destroy your eyes" the second one would say.

"Leave her, they will catch her" the third would say.

Soon enough, I would give up...the lights from the cracks were never good enough...

"Move for me", I would say



"Why don't you go to sleep?" the second one asked

"Just one more page" I said. The light from the computer screen was not good enough...

"Move for me"