5:09 am...

and awake.

I enjoy these times alone.

I enjoy spending this time in my own world, doing my own things.

When I leave my space, I also enjoy being in the outside world doing outside world stuff.

However, anytime I am here, its my little refuge from everything and everyone.

I don't have to worry about anybody else apart from myself and that's always a huge burden off my shoulders.

A friend asked me the other day how I can be so happy to be in both places. Well, the thing is, nobody ever forces me to be outside or come back inside. I do both because I want to. When I leave this place, I enjoy doing what I have to do outside and when I come back, I look forward to coming back and being by myself. Its quite simple actually.

My friend's daughter was here yesterday. I enjoyed her company but I was also looking forward to her leaving and having my space back.

I don't think I am extreme but I agreed with my friend that I don't really have any middle ground. In both places, outside and inside, I have to enjoy doing whatever it is I am doing or else it all falls to pieces.

Yeah, perhaps some people will understand it and perhaps they won't.

But who cares? Its my world and I can do whatever I want to do.

Europe's song for the winter.

Always on the radio, this is definitely the song for New Year... David Guetta is king of Europe.

"I'm gonna fucking kill myself!"

I was at this concert last month and I can never forget this guy who in a moment of pure ecstasy shouted "I'm gonna fucking kill myself"! It was all too much for him. I remember everybody around me just dying of laughter cos we could all feel his emotion...lol...anyway, so I finally found a clip of it. Anytime I remember this particular moment, I smile cos everybody around me was so fucking high on the music. The moment is at 2:03. Great memory.

When we were young, crazy and poor...

I read "just kids" by Patti Smith and then I thought of you.
I thought of John and Yoko Ono and I thought of you.
I thought of you when we were young, crazy and poor.
About how so many things did not turn out right
So many things I would rather forget
Fleeting nights in train stations
And all the things I did with you
Has it been so long now?
When we dreamt of places like Tibet and Las Vegas
Places where no one would find us
And we could do whatever we wanted
All those books we consumed
Now they tell me my eyes are destroyed
And that maybe I should regret those times
But the books were what kept us sane
And drove us away from our demons
I don’t know what you are doing now
But I thought of you when I read that book
Of the times when we were young, crazy and poor.

Hospital anxiety...

I hate going to hospitals...

Usssssssssssssssssssssh.

Anyway, I have to go whether I like it or not.

It sucks.

Music for the night...

Not sleeping.

Thinking about lots of stuff.

Some strange movie on TV.

Feeling that weird feeling that I have to move...I don't know why...like I need to relocate for some time....but if I do, what would that I mean? That I have no idea whatsoever where I am supposed to live?

My friend who relocated to London says he finally found where he is supposed to be. He has moved three times.

But I don't like London...

I just haven't found my place on earth. Which just means perhaps I have to search harder, travel more,maybe its out there somewhere just waiting for me...

I do like Croatia though...

Anyway, whatever. I'll just listen to music and suck it up as Americans would say...but my sister thinks I was born in the wrong era, she thinks I am trapped in the wrong body. She is sure that I should have been born in California during the hippie movement. I would have been a surfer, I would have played the guitar and sat around bonfires, high as a kite.

Maybe New York? I am kinda feeling New York these days...

I should just listen to music and suck it up.

November...

Riding my bicycle in the cold is an experience. I think I sweat more in the cold than in the heat. I was drenched.

Things are okay even if financially, I should be worried. But what to do?

I can't believe its already the end of the year. The last three years have been tough but my friend Tina believes 2012 is going to be a great year for everybody. I feel it too.

I have a serious craving for alcohol.

I have borrowed books as usual but have not had time to read them.

I'll try to read them during the week.

What else?

Nothing.