Am I done growing up now?

When I was a kid, my mum used to fold my clothes and place them nicely in my drawers. This must have psychologically affected all of us somehow. To show how much we love ourselves, we like to "pack" each other's things and place them nicely in piles here and there. When my sister came to visit, all my clothes were folded, arranged, hanged, if I had an iron, she would have ironed them all. When I visit my siblings, the first thing I want to do is inspect their cupboards and see what needs to be arranged. Everybody protests, we all do, "DON'T TOUCH MY THINGS!",the same way we all did when we were kids, "mummy, I can do it by myself!" because as kids, we all had our secrets in little corners, poems, notes, keepsakes, drawings, pictures,lovenotes, cards. Once I came home, and my mum had arranged all my clothes. In order. T shirts, shorts, undies, skirts, trousers, dresses, etc etc. Everything in their own pile. The first thing that went through my mind was my valentine cards! had she seen them? Of course she had, they were all arranged in piles too. In order of names. These days when I look back on my childhood, I wonder that I never could appreciate my mother. It embarasses me to think that the only thing I thought about when I heard my mum was going around arranging cupboards was my little keepsakes.

In a feverish state, I woke up in annoyance over the dust that had gathered under my bed. I know there is dust there. I am angry over the way I have clothes strewn here and there. I am angry that my dishes are dirty in the sink. Clothes that need to go to the laundry. My hair needs to be combed.

Things need to be put back in order. Nobody can live in this chaos that I call my life. Not even I, the owner of this life can put up with it any longer.

Something's got to give. I have been prepared all my life for this very instance. All this boarding school and military school was exactly for this moment in life. All my youth spent crashing here and there was in preparation for this moment.All my relationships, living apart or together, have been in preparation for this moment.

ADULTHOOD!

Yet, here I am, behaving as if nobody told me what to expect. As if I woke up one day to find myself living alone. All my life, I have been prepared for this.

"Waffy, you see how I have folded these? This is how you fold your shirts. First, you fold in the arms, nicely, like this, then, you fold this part underneath, you see? Look, mummy will show you. What is that? Gum? I hate it when you chew gum. Who gave you bazooka? where did you get money from? Daddy? Okay, throw that away, right now. I am not raising a market woman here. Where is the gum? You put it under the table? Come, I will tell you now about bacteria..."

Feeling a bit better...

Not in tip top shape but not throwing up anymore. I still have pains though and my throat is still very sore. I have only managed to drink these past two days cos eating anything is like eating nails and barbed wire.Nose is still blocked even though I use a nose spray and blow my brains out every 30 minutes...

But now I am listening to music and hoping for the best tomorrow...I have so much to do so this is not really a good time to be this ill...but I'll just listen to some more oldies...

Sounds like the oldies I love to love...

Still sick...listening to music...and is RnB back or what? This totally sounds like the good old oldies...real soul...had to check twice to make sure that this was actually released this year. Loving the soul...nothing beats it man!

Pain...

It all started yesterday night. I came home feeling in top form. I have been on the roll this past week with everything, creatively. I came home, feeling a bit tired. I thought I would have a quick nap. Maybe 30 mins or so. I woke up a couple of hours later freezing. Nothing helped. Just walking to the toilet was pain and it seemed like that was where I was bound to spend the night, either peeing or puking. My neck hurt, my back hurt, my tonsils were swollen, I had high fever, I had a headache. In the end, I cried my self to sleep. I woke up this morning and the circle started all over again. I did not know what to do. By 5 or so, I was begining to hallucinate so I managed to call my neighbour who came in like super woman.

It is 5:05 and most of this night has been spent either freezing or sweating. However, I feel a bit better. I got drinks, fruits and tea from my neighbour and my apartment door is unlocked so she can check on me often. I know she has been here a couple of times but I was so far gone, I couldn't even lift a finger.

The biggest problem now is my throat and my back, and my waist. I am so uncomfortable, I dont know where to turn or how to lie.

Now I am sitting up even if I dont have the energy to but my back feels a bit better in this position.

I hope it all just vanishes tomorrow...

For all the little stars out there...

Just keep trying and trying
It’s just a matter of timing
Though this grinding is tiring
Don’t let it stop you from smiling
Just keep trying and trying
Sooner or later you’ll find it
It’s surprising how inspiring
It’s to see you shining
Cause in the dark of the night you're all I can see
and you sure look like a star to me

Whatever...

I am very tired. When you give people a step, they always want a mile. I helped someone with a HUGE project. Seriously went out of my way to do it but made sure he understood that this is really what I can do. I do not have the time or energy for such. I did it but it was because he just kept at me and would not give me a damn break even though I told him a hundred times of the impossibility of doing it. But I did it. I gave everything I had, did my best. Worked on it like it was mine.

But now...he wants more. I have said I can't, its impossible. But he won't let up...texts, phone calls, all hours...okay send the damn thing and leave me alone.

Now he sent the damn thing...and I can't open the document because God knows what the hell this is...

I have called, sent texts, but he wont answer his phone because he does not want to hear NO for an answer, so he sends this shit and puts off his phone.

Its supposedly his deadline tomorrow and I have to feel so bad that I stay up all night working on something that is not my problem?

Why are human beings so incredibly selfish?

I am going to bed. He will do what he has to do when he sees his text. We all gotta do what we gotta do.

Whatever. Not my fucking problem.

UPDATE: People are incredible! After worrying like crazy not cos I could not do it but just to make sure HE KNOWS that I could NOT do it, imagine what this guys says when I finally reached him this morning! That he put his phone off because he was having headache and he went to bed...

I have a headache now...

Your Big Love...

"What will I do now, Waffy?"
You ask me. As if I should know.
"It gets better. You just get on with it. What's the alternative?"
I don't know. Things are not the way any of us imagined.
You always dreamed of that knight in shining armour. Your big love.
We drank wine and talked of your big love.
We laughed until we rolled on the floor thinking about all the things you will do with your big love.
That is why telling you this is not going to be easy. All I see when I look at you is the young beautiful girl I used to know when everything was easy.
When our nights were filled with music and alcohol.
You drank Baileys when you were feeling particularly extravagant. I always drank white wine or when I was poor, beer.
Sometimes you wanted us to drink cocktails with long elaborate names.
All the time, we were looking for your big love.
We made up long fantasies of how you would meet him, how many children you would have, how many boys, how many girls, their names, where you would live.
You were always certain you would find your big love.
So even though you already had somebody, you always waited for him. YOUR BIG LOVE.
But now, its been more than ten years.
Now, you ask me, "what should I do?", you ask me because after ten years, you have finally left the man that had been your companion on the never ending wait.


I look into your eyes, its not easy to do, but we are women now. We are no longer 19 and dancing to music, high on life.
"What will happen when YOUR BIG LOVE comes? Lets say he comes tomorrow. What exactly is the big change that will happen?"
"Well, I will be happy" you say.
"I think, maybe you should start making yourself happy. This knight you know, the one we have been talking about for more than ten years, he is not yet here. And we have no idea when he will show up...IF he shows up. I think we should work with the assumption that he might..."
"WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? THAT I HAVE WASTED MY LIFE? SO WHAT HAS ALL THIS WAITING FOR BEEN THEN?"
"Well...you see, thats the thing with this life thing, there is really no garantee...so, I am just thinking, suggesting, that maybe it would be wise to forget all about this man thing...just for a while...just to get your mind a bit of peace..."
"BUT I WANT CHILDREN! I WANT TO BE A MOTHER! I AM GETTING OLD!"
"If it would make you feel any better, I have given up on "soulmate"
"WHAT??? BUT YOU KNOW YOUR SOULMATE IS THERE? WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?"
"Well...maybe he is...I don't know, but I am done waiting...anyway, just calm down for now...these things work out...do you remember coco jambo?"
"WHAT?"
"Coco Jambo..."