Thursday, April 18, 2013

Tea and nothing more.

I forced myself to close my eyes  "sleep will come".  I could hear my heart beating, and the clouds in my head getting darker, heavier....

A few hours before I had been talking with my friends. A friend of mine is getting divorced. Her sorrow is heavy. You can see it underneath her eyes, around her eyes, in her eyes. The man is not making things easy for anybody. He intends for all to suffer because of his ego so they all do.

The other woman sitting with us who hardly says anything personal, suddenly speaks "You know, once I was crying in the bedroom and my husband was ordering champaigne on the phone".

I began to laugh hysterically. The women joined in. The man next to us, who I am sure had been listening to our conversation all along, looked like he disapproved of such laughter in such a conversation.

I wished I was brave enough to look him straight in the eye and mouth "bite me".

"I don't remember anything anymore" I said. " Maybe I don't like thinking about bad times"

"I just don't want my children to suffer" she said, wearing her sun glasses and looking away.

"Life is how it is. You can't always protect them from everything, this is life. Sometimes we have to go through stuff we don't want to. We do things that we have to, not because we want to. Desperate times calls for desperate measures. They will survive. I promise you" the quiet woman said.

"I am just thinking if this is too big a price to pay. He is going to get everything, everything. After all these years, he will win. He has the money, he has the house, he has the brand new car, he is the one travelling all over the world, he has the career, and what do I get? Nothing. He will be the winner" she was crying hard. The people at the other tables looked at us. I reached for her hand across the table.

"You will have your freedom. You will have peace. You will have laughter. You will have joy. You will have yourself. You will have your life again" I said.

I could not sleep. I thought of all the degrading ways in which she had been front of the kids. No child needs to see those things.

"The price is not too high, not high at all" I thought.

Sleep still did not come. Had I really forgotten about all the bad times? I did not want to look at my diary and remember.  Nothing hurts anymore.

Is that why I was once again, putting someone else before myself, before my needs. before my priorities?

Have I forgotten how people are, how human beings are, their selfish egoistic ways, everybody puts their needs before others. Everybody does what is best for them, even if it means that another will suffer. Isn't that the way of the world?

Why did I forget?

I got up from bed. There was no use trying to sleep. It was four already. I made a strong cup of tea.

I don't want to think about, I don't want to talk about it.

I just want to drink my tea and nothing more.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

On all things waffy...

Soul: Feeling pretty good even though I am a bit fed up with usual. Hard to find the balance between being good and just saying "fuck off". I am always somewhere in the middle. Be kind, be good, be nice, remember who you are, bla bla bla bla FUCKKKKKK OFFFF! Something like that.

Love life: Its so complicated that if it gets more complicated than this, a new word will have to be invented. But then again, I am a pretty complicated individual so sometimes I have to give all that a break. Bla, bla bla, story of my life. NEXT!

Writing: Pretty good actually. Feeling positive, inspired and creative.

Finance: Not too bad. At least I wont say I am "surviving" anymore. I am okay, I guess.

Family: My clan is getting bigger and bigger. All my good friends now have kids or are pregnant so I look forward to being the extraordinary super Aunt. My own family is as supportive as ever of my madness. I would not survive in this world without my brothers and sisters. They make life worth living and give me a lot of joy and laughter in my life.

Exercise: The Lord is my strength.

Career: Still looking for a sugar Daddy.

And that's all folks!