Sunday, December 21, 2008

Old bits and pieces...

Due to popular demand, okay..I lie...due to the fact that Christmas is fast approaching and a new year is just round the corner, I have decided to write a bit about my life this past year. Of course this will not be the full story as a friend has just given me the idea to write a semi autobiography so if you are still interested by next year, perhaps there will be a book.

What was I going to write about? Oh Christmas is finally here and a year has finally gone by. I met an old friend of mine the other day. My friend is originally American but this is the fourth country he is residing in now. I remember how we both used to say that we just wanted to feel "secure" and "stable". How that used to be one of the reasons for living in a certain country."I want to be stable" and he would understand...he would nod his head and we would both stare off into the distance, wondering if we would ever feel that way. Many years have passed now and meeting him in yet another country makes me feel like we are both moving further and further away from our dream. He seems to have given up. He drank his wine in silence..."what's keeping you there?" he asked. "Nothing is keeping you there" he said." You can move if you want to".

Yes I can move.

I don't know if I'll move yet but I am definitely starting over in my heart and soul. One thing I learned this year is that we all have amazing strength within us as human beings and we just need to find a way to get it out of us.

This year, things spiralled out of control faster than I ever imagined and soon enough, I realized that I could only depend on myself to pull myself out of the hole I was in. Physically, I was able to smile, meet people and pretend I was okay. Inside, I was screaming "HELP!". So that is where I was, my heart broken into a thousand pieces, my soul totured....but...I knew, for fucking once in my life, I had made the right decision. Come what may, the time had come to move on.

It was amazing that it was during this time in my life that God had chosen to send so many beautiful people into my life. People met on trains, in seminars, on buses, libraries...and yes, even on facebook!

However, one person touched my life forever. I met someone who blew me away with an act of kindness that I can never repay. Someone who kept me stable...even if it was for a short time. I had never felt safer in all of my life.

Yes...another year has passed and again, i embark on another journey.

And hopefully I'll meet even more beautiful people and angels (and I hope you all do too!)

I wish you all a very merry Christmas!

Lots of love,


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Monday, December 15, 2008

Chop me up...

1. No, it doesn't feel like fucking christmas. Its grey and cold and the fucking christmas lights....they are blinding. I tell you!

Last year I bought so many cards, all to be sent off to all my friends all over the world. Every address tracked down in time. Old phone books found in old suitcases, old emails searched and scanned for numbers once given.

I am empty...I have no christmas spirit...

2. Oh, don't bother with any uplifting stories of brain does not recognize that word anymore.

3. Chop me up. Enjoy.

Chop me up - Justin timberlake

P.S: Feel free to send me booze for christmas!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Another facebook dilemma...

A once good friend of mine had a baby shower. Other friends were there and people commented on the pictures(facebook, naturally, where else?). Here is the dilemma, she NEVER told me she was pregnant in the first place. I mean, I know facebook is the new way to announce stuff...all of a sudden a picture of a big belly or wedding pics or status changes, etc etc, but here is the deal. I see my facebook messages in my mailbox. I recieve messages and I send some. I don't think I need to be on facebook 24/7 to do that. The most important thing for me is that people that need to reach me are able to and if I need to reach someone, I can. Finish. I hardly look at pictures except somebody asks me to...and even then, I look at the specific picture I have to and I move on. I don't like people pictures. Five hundred pictures of the same people in different moments ( I am I am I am I am smiling I am waving...). I get bored easily. Point is, people announcing stuff with pictures will miss me cos I don't hang out long enough to get the gist.

Lets say I was not on facebook, how the hell was I supposed to know?

Its a fucking pain I tell you. If she had told me in the first place, I would have said "congrats"...or should I just say the "congrats" and get it over with? But if I do that, then she would wonder why I am just saying it now...

Jeez....I will just wait until the baby pops out!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Move for me...

I now alternate from one bed to another depending on my mood. When we were kids we each had a bed. Three beds in one room and yet it was not uncommon to find two of us sleeping in one bed in the morning. Driven to each other by nightmares, insecurity or worries.

"Move for me"

and the other person would, without asking why...

Now, we are all women, each in her own stage in life, with new insecurities, worries and new nightmares to face.

Yesterday, I stayed up late, using the light from my computer to read my book...

"You are gonna destroy your eyes" she said.

and in a flash I remembered those years...when my Dad would switch off the lights, "Time to go to bed" he would say, removing the book from my hands and gently covering my body for the third time. My mum would already be annoyed, having told me twice already to go to sleep.

"Just one more page" I would say

"Don't you want to keep anything for tomorrow? You will have nothing to read tomorrow if you read all the pages tonight"

He would close the door and when he was gone, I would crawl from underneath the covers, towards the light that emerged through the cracks...the light from the living room where I could hear my parents still talking, the noise of the TV in the background.

"You are going to destroy your eyes" the second one would say.

"Leave her, they will catch her" the third would say.

Soon enough, I would give up...the lights from the cracks were never good enough...

"Move for me", I would say

"Why don't you go to sleep?" the second one asked

"Just one more page" I said. The light from the computer screen was not good enough...

"Move for me"

Friday, December 5, 2008

Chevron and the Niger Delta.

Just read this. It is a case that I have been following for quite a while and even did part of a seminar based on it. You can read more about the case here, thanks to Jeremy for the link.

Love...on my mind...

Where does all the love go?

as usual, you tube is fucking up. The video is Mariah Carey's "I stay in love"...I just can't get it out of my head.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

In the mood for something else...

He looked at me and smiled, "you have to use this one, you see, the one that shows the green light". I went over to his side. It worked. I smiled back, "thanks".

I asked him which line I should take, he said we were going the same way. We smiled and talked and laughed....he likes philosophy...he likes books, he likes writing.

He talked like he had always known me, like we were two old friends who had just met on the train. He asked me where I was coming from so late. I told him about the friends I had met. The friends it seemed I had known for so long and yet had never met...

Which made me think of friends...and how great the universe can be when its on your side...

I hope he has a great life, whoever he is...I hope we all do...

Lots of love

P.S: Glad to see a fellow blogger, free lance writer and friend, Tolu Ogunlesi nominated for the future awards here . Congrats Tolu!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The very confusing morals of Christians....

There are many discussions in blogville that I purposely stay out of simply because I know, that even in a thousand years,my opinions would not matter. Some people are just "blocked" and that is just how it is. However, in this case, I was forced to say something because of the shocking opinions (to me, they are shocking) that followed this particular post. I think we have a serious problem with Christians and their so called morals, rules and regulations. It seems everybody just picks what fits in their own life when they want it to. Every rule in the Bible can be bent and fixed whenever it suits them.

First of all, I can safely say, that there are certain crimes against humanity that I absolutely detest and on no grounds would I ever support. It is very hard to ever imagine ever turning in a loved one, husband, brother, sister, but I believe very strongly in my principles and morals. If you kill another human being, for whatever reason, it will have to be reported and hopefully, justice will take its course. I can not imagine anybody taking the life of another...except maybe if you are caught molesting a that case, you should be hung...and I will kick the damn stool.

For me, there are absolutely no grey areas when it comes to what a crime is. Or what wrong and right it. Even without the Bible, many of us have been raised to know what right and wrong is, and if your parents did not teach you, then common sense will. I really do not have any problems knowing immediately if something is wrong...or right.

However, it seems it is the "Christians" who have this problem. Even though the Bible is very clear on what a "sin" is, I think many people become confused about when they are supposed to"forgive". Also, the situation becomes extra confusing when they have to take account different "vows" made under the covenant of God(or however they put it).For example, you find out your husband has just killed your house boy. He is remorseful, did not mean to do it. What does the Christian do?

A. Call the police immediately and let justice take its course, if your husband is innocent, the truth shall set him free.

B. Pray together and ask for God's guidance. Do not do anything. A miracle will surely happen, there is nothing God can not solve.

C. Since he has already asked for God's forgiveness who are you to judge him? Remember your vows, "for better and worse", this is the "worse" part now. The best you can do, is help him destroy the evidence (although one does not have to see it that way, you are merely helping him in a difficult time), just pray to God to relieve this terrible burden from your lives and stick by your man. Divorce is a sin and you have made a covenant before God.

So you see, my dear people, it is so confusing, what is one supposed to do? Take for example, the post about the man who engages in child pornography, the options are the same. You can either do A, B OR C. Of course, I thought many people would choose option A. Unfortunately, I did not take into account the other vows and covenants the Christian has to take into account. For me, it is common sense that when a crime is being committed, one must do all in his/her power to put an end to it. Especially when it is something that endangers the lives of so many children.

I was therefore extremely SHOCKED to see many people obviously confused about the rules when it comes to child pornography. If you possess pictures of naked children on your computer, it s a CRIME. Most children that are used for this disgusting crime, are trafficked children from the poorest nations in the world. They are sold to paedophiles who in turn not only abuse and molest them but make money out of them by selling nude pictures of the poor children. I do not think I need to go into the gruesome and horrific details of the kind of lives these children live. Some will never go to school, many will die and be buried like animals. Others will cry for their mothers and only get beaten or chained. The few that will survive, will be so scarred that many end up committing suicide.

In the name of the Lord, in the name of Jesus Christ, who loved children, in the name of common sense,


I know that turning a loved one in, is hard. I know that. But as a CHRISTIAN, shouldn't your morals, values and principles be your guide?

Shouldn't you people be the first to rise up against injustice when you see one? Shouldn't you be the first to raise your voices and cry out loud when you can prevent such a terrible crime from taking place?

Who do you pledge legiance with, God or man?

If Jesus Christ came down today, I am 100% sure that he will tell you to save your child and not your fucking marriage.

There is something very wrong with how far we, as women are willing to go for the sake of our marriages. Even when we see such a terrible crime being committed, it saddens me that many women would rather save the "man" than the child. A grown man at that, who can make his own damn choices. Yet, we choose to abandon the innocent child that needs protection.

It is no wonder we have so many cases of child abuse in Nigeria. The women have failed us. Our mothers have failed us. Our own, have failed us.

Anybody that does not think child pornography is a crime, don't even bother leaving a comment. Go and ask your pastor and if he also does not think it is a crime, then sorry, you are both going to HELL!


Note: Of course, not ALL Christians think this way!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Try to remember....

Deep in December it's nice to remember

Although you know the snow will follow

Deep in December it's nice to remember

Without a hurt, the heart is hollow

Deep in December it's nice to remember

The fire of September that made you mellow

Deep in December our hearts should remember

Then follow, follow...

Thursday, November 27, 2008

You left? Just like that? Oh yes I did!

A friend of mine told me about the day she left her husband. She had not planned it, she had gone to pick up her son from day care and right there, in the middle of the street, with her son in his pram, with no money and no clothes, she thought to herself "No. I am not going back". And that was it. The decision had come just like that, so she understood me. That the fact that I had no plans, a fact that everybody else seemed to dwell upon, was quite reasonable to her.

How can you just leave a life without any plans?

She understood that that morning I left my life behind, it had come from nowhere. I just walked out, which is what I told everybody.

Next thing I knew, I was on a bus thinking "No. I am not going back".

That is how it was. I left my life behind with nothing. No clothes, no books, no plans. Just my laptop. It seemed strange to everyone else except my friend, who understood.

"Yes, you left just like that" she looked at me nodding...

It was perfectly understandable.

Note: This happened a while back, so no worries, I have since fixed what needs to be fixed so one can live like a full functioning miserable member of the society.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I can't keep myself and still keep you too...

I was supposed to be reading but irritation had wrapped its cloak around me and it is becoming harder to unravel the threads these days. My coffee felt bitter and tasteless in my mouth and I had the strong urge to hurl its contents at the couple that sat beside me.

They were part of a group. Two men and the couple. It seems the man(of the couple) wanted to stay on with his friends(the two men). He touched his wife's arm briefly as he whispered, imploring her to allow him stay on. He would meet her back home. She pretended she did not hear what he said and looked past him, her face as expressive as a slab of stone.

What was this kind of dance they were doing? This dance of "touch and go", this dance of trying always to make something out of nothing...even a scene as simple and banal like this...has become something.

The man did not stay on. His two friends left him in the scowl faced company of his wife. She promptly got up as soon as they left. They left the cafe together. In silence.

I remembered reading somewhere...something Kanye West had said, "nobody really wants to be alone".

I do not want to be alone either....but to take part in this dance of life...

"Ouch! You just stepped on my big toe"

I'm not loving you, the way I wanted to
I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true
I've got something to lose, so I've got to move
I can't keep myself and still keep you too
So I keep in mind, when I'm on my own
Somewhere far from home, in the danger zone
How many times did it take until I finally got through?
you lose, you lose
I ain't loving you, the way I wanted to
See I had to go, see I had to go
No more wasting time, we can't wait for life
which is wasting time, where's the finish line?

Monday, November 24, 2008

just another day...

In this shitty displeasure with planet earth and all its inhabitants continues...

Unfortunately, I dont have any words to describe just how I feel at the moment but think exile, alienated, dislocated, detached, etc, you know, every post colonial shit out there and I am it.

It has finally dawned on me that it might be time to get the hell out of this country.

Certainly I can't think of LIVING in Nigeria? I'll go nuts there as well...I love my anonymous lifestyle too much. Just the thought of how many people I have to call "sir, madam, aunty, uncle", the thought of all the people I would have to smile at, ask about their families, make small conversation...just the thought of having to explain just why I think "hubby", "sweetheart" (or is it sweetie?) "darling" is never gonna happen in my life, makes me wanna puke (Been there, done that, all penises should please shrivel up and fall off like rotten grapes...mind you, my current unhappiness is not caused by a penis, cos many a penis would love to think that they can wreck havoc on the lives of women. Not so. A penis is exactly what it is, just a damn penis).

I dont know what to do but the fact of life is that I have no friends here, no family....nothing.

I am leaving this shit place...God, I am suffocating!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I'll see you later...

The man does not talk. He is a man of action not words. He strides in and out as he pleases. Sometimes she imagines he is a young tiger, leisurely strolling around its territory after a kill. It is impossible to talk to him. Impossible to say all the things she wants to say. How do you tell such a man that you love him? For the rest of her life, he would be lost in his world and she in hers.

He smiled at her as he shut the door, "I'll see you later" he said.

The door left its usual noise with his departure. A sharp sound that she had now come to detest.

"I love you", she said it out loud, to the empty hotel room which now reeked of the perfume he had left behind. She looked at the clock, she had enough time for a quick shower before her next customer arrived.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Written with a red pen...

The morning was cold.I walked down a street in a town that I once knew so well. A town where I once smoked Marlboros and ate cheap breakfasts. My hands in my pockets, I walked as fast as I could, to the train station which seems to be my new residence. I am always coming or going from it. I missed the train. I got a cup of coffee and a croissant. That’s what you do when you are extremely broke. Even in your "brokeness" you must preserve your dignity. My friend calls to see if I got the train. "No", I reply, I missed it...I inform her I am drinking coffee and waiting for the next train. She thinks it’s because of the coffee that I am late. I find it funny that she does not believe me. I laugh...even though all I want to do is cry. The train journey goes by fast and before I know it,my hands are clenched in my jacket pockets again and I hiss loudly at the cold breeze that welcomes me into my city.

My hands were shaking and I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes as I looked through my things...chewing gum...gym cards...stolen sweets...all from a different time and space. I emptied the pockets of an old bag and was wondering just how old the chewing gum was when I saw it...a card...with a picture of a little boy hung with pegs on a clothes line."Hang in there" it said...I opened the card with curiosity and in it, was written, with a red pen:

Dear Waffy,

This is my little way of saying I am here for you. I'm sorry life is being shitty at the moment but keep your head up and please don't hesitate to ask if there is anything I can do. Wish I had a magic wand and we could just make our own little world with only nice people in it. I am so thankful for your friendship, I know you can get through this. You are one of the strongest women I've ever met.

Fuck the world,
Fuck all the mean
sour, negative people-

YOU are what's important and YOU deserve to be happy!

Your friend,

Jojo does not live in this country anymore and the card must have been more than three years old.

At first, I thought I would curl up and cry, with the card and the bag in my hands...I thought I would think of all my friends that are no longer here with me...I thought I would think of friendships and just how fragile they are...

But the card had said "hang in there"....I lifted my head up and did what I had come to do in this cold city. My heart felt warm and light and my back felt straighter. If she thought all that of me, then I am not going to let her down.

I am going to fucking hang in there! Clothes line, pegs and all!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Too fucked up to be "Christ like"...

Like many of you, I am still in shock after seeing the TV program about the situation in Akwa Ibom state. For those that do not live in the UK, please watch it here, that is the first part, there are six parts up on youtube, so make sure you see them all. My article on the wife of lucifer, you can read here.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Why so sensitive?

So I was a presenter today, part of a seminar focused on the future of Africa and the usual bla bla bla folks in the Diaspora like to engage themselves in. The last time I was there, many people (mostly old men) over 50 were busy blaming colonialism for the misfortunes of Africa. Now, let me state here that I do not downplay the effects colonialism has had on Africa or the terrible scars it has left behind.

However, it is boring to sing the same old song and discuss the same topics week after week after week. I therefore decided to spice up their intellectual brains a bit and made a presentation about what young Africans are discussing about on the internet and other places. Anyway, God help me I mentioned Solomonsydelle's PPP. However, I mostly focused on different ways to get ordinary people active in the society and how we can get people motivated to get active in their society. ( I talked about different examples where we could be more active, collectively)

After discussing some factors (which I will post later on this blog) I finished my presentation in a very positive light...or so I thought. Imagine my surprise when a South African intellectual told me that she could not identify herself with the Africa I had talked about and basically accused my presentation and me of being "racist"!

According to her, some racist social anthropologists had come up about similar factors about Africans (na the passive thing na im irritate am) and according to her, she had been very active in Apartheid South Africa, has always been active etc etc. Now, I had mentioned before, during and after the seminar that my experience was Nigerian and tried as often as I could to mention only examples that had to do with Nigeria. I think she took the whole thing way too personal and she mentioned later on about how she is always having to defend Africa from views like mine in the thirty years she has lived abroad.

Now, I told her the seminar was on different topics being discussed by the younger generation, and like it or not, we have mentioned the fact that we (the people) are not active enough in our society and would like to be more active. Yes, we can do more and we MUST do more if we want a change.

I think she was being too sensitive as the seminar was not about her and what she had done or not done in South Africa. I was not happy at all that instead of discussing the solutions I thought we would, I had to now defend my presentation from being tagged as "racist".

That is why I no dey too like dey do seminar with old old people. Their wahala too much self!

P.S: I heard her lamenting on the way to the train that "why can't we celebrate the hundreds of activists that have..."(didn't hear the remaining part). Honestly, there is no reason why we should not celebrate them, I would want to be celebrated(assuming I become a serious die hard mutherfucker)in the future. But that is not the seminar was about, the seminar was about "how" we can change Africa.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


Watch our democracy in action here
On the third of november 2008 on Muhri Okunola Street, victoria Island Lagos, the traffic was chaotic. A young lady (Uzoma Okere) driving home from work didn't move her vehicle out of the way of a millitary convoy on time, resulting severe beatings by armed Nigerian Navy men. The convoy consisted of Rear Admiral Harry Arogundade's personal Navy saloon car and his pilot truck, consisting of 6 armed bodyguards. The body guards in the process physically beat up several Price WaterHouse Coopers staff and destroyed cameras that were filming the event as it unfolded. The video clip was recorded from the PricewaterHouseCoopers office on a personal camera.


pic from NVS

Friday, October 31, 2008

Oh dear...another arrest?

Hia!!!!!! Just when I started relaxing this? Apparently,Emmanuel Emeke Asiwe is the publisher of this site . According to Sahara reporters, there is a witch hunt for online writers, bloggers and commentators. They claim the president "has adequately funded a special squad headed by the Director General of the State Security Service (SSS), Afas Gadzama, for this purpose".

A special squad? Just for online writers? Hot damn!

Update: Read more, here.




These great masses will have turned their backs on the grave insult to human dignity which described some as masters and others as servants, and transformed each into a predator whose survival depended on the destruction of the other. Thus shall we live, because we will have created a society which recognises that all people are born equal, with each entitled in equal measure to life, liberty, prosperity, human rights and good governance. Such a society should never allow again that there should be prisoners of conscience nor that any person's human rights should be violated. (Nelson Mandela, who for 28 years was a prisoner of conscience, on receiving the Nobel Peace Prize, 10/12/1993)


Yesterday I had the courage to fight. Today I shall have the courage to win. (Bernadette Devlin, Catholic political activist in Northern Ireland)



Check out Nigerian curiosity for more information

Both quotes taken from the warrior of light,Issue nÂș 184, Paulo Coelho

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Check Nigerian Curiosity for more details.


I am living in a bubble...seriously...I have made my very own bubble. The bubble is really not so bad. Really, you should try it. You don't even need to come out for air...I have that all figured out. You stay in until you suffocate...and...die. Thats what bubbles are for...sort of a way to get out without any effort at all. My day in the bubble yesterday was quite charming. All I did all day was to stare at eyes....I made out the iris and all that white stuff...and veins...very cartoon-like I must say. Today, I am planning on staring at finger can always tell from finger tips...I don't know how but you can. But I have not finished talking about the eyes...sometimes you think you can melt in them...i guess thats why people are always singing about "eyes". A turkish guy once said he fell in love with me because of my eyes. Seriously. He used to ask my friend, "where is that girl with the lovely eyes?" but then again...those arabs...they have serious yarns...they love all those "one thousand and one stories" kind of romance...they will take you away on magic carpets...oh sorry...where was I? I don't feel like talking about eyes or bubbles anymore...or turkish romance...that's what the bubble does to you.

And somebody, please get this song out of my head!

Money - Pink Floyd

Monday, October 27, 2008


How the hell do people do it? Most of my friends in the business world just "network" all the time, constantly getting contacts, phoning, writing mails to unknown people, etc. Like drinking water. Its nothing to them....

and me?


My name is waffy...and then what????????

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Too old to be young...

Off to a gallery...I hear there is a secret bar where one can get drunk anonymously on a sunday....

Hope you all had a lovely weekend.

Fuck youtube, I'll put up another video when I get back. Lots of love.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Financial seed!

I was doing my usual rounds on the internet when I came across this bullshit in the vanguard.I don laugh so tey I no fit laugh anymore...please note the very end of the article. I am printing it in full here just incase the link disappears(Nigerian newspapers online are such a mystery). I have highlighted the parts that I think are just hilarous. Surely this human being can not be educated? He can write I know...but who says crap like this in 2008? and why on earth is it in a newspaper? We are doomed in that country. It is over. Finished.

The Voice Christ Reality:The way out of barrenness
Written by Pastor Johnson Omomadia
Friday, 24 October 2008

To be barren means unfruitful, sterile, childless, deserted, uncultivated, dryness and something or someone that does not produce after its/his kind. Barrenness is not part of God’s covenant for His children. It must not be accepted or tolerated in any form. Don’t accept the lie that says whatever will be will be. It is a lie from the pit of hell.

God’s first blessing is for man to be fruitful. Gen. 1: 28, states, and God blessed them, and God said unto them, be fruitful, and multiply and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. This means you have been empowered by God to be fruitful, expand, multiply and replenish. Exo. 23:26, states there shall nothing cast their young, nor be barren, in thy land: the number of thy days I will fulfill. It is therefore forbidden for you to be barren. Reject it, refuse it and release it. Know that barrenness does not have power over you. You have been made victorious through the blood of Jesus Christ.

What then is the way out of barrenness? Heb. 7:25, states, wherefore He is able also to save them to the uttermost that come unto God by Him, seeing He ever liveth to make intercession for them. Intercession brings fruitfulness. You cannot intercede about an issue and not get God’s attention and God’s kind of result.

Let’s take a look at some people in the bible who were involved in intercession and see the kind of result they obtained. They turned barren situations around for good. 1 Sam 1:5, 10, & 27, states, ...but the Lord had shut up her womb ... and she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the Lord, and wept sore. For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of Him.

Here was a case of a woman who was barren. The Bible states clearly that her womb was shut. There was no hope for her to be fruitful in the natural. No medical aid could change her condition. To man, her case was closed. However, what is impossible with man is possible with God. What did she do to change her situation? She turned from her husband to God that knows no barrier and always knows what to do. Don’t you ever forget that there is no hopeless case with God.

Has men given up on you? Are people calling you a man just because you have not been able to bear a child or children for your husband? Don’t worry, God will fill your mouth with laughter and great joy shall become your portion in Jesus name. God has not given up on you. Don’t give up on yourself. It is time to turn to God just as Hannah did. Pray from the bottom of your heart, cry out to Him. He answers the prayers of the destitute. He will surely answer your prayers. He is neither a partial God nor a respecter of persons.

Call unto Him, morning, noon and night. Give Him no rest until He makes your life a praise. Hannah, cried from the depth of her heart and gave her testimony afterward when she said for this child I prayed. She went on to sing a song saying there is none beside God. Do you know what God did for her? God gave her a son that became the first prophet whose words did not fall to the ground. Her son was more important than those of her adversaries. Begin now to wage war against the devil and put God in remembrance of His promises and He will surely turn your barrenness into fruitfulness.

Hannah broke out of the power of barrenness and became very fruitful through intercession. She was dead serious about what she wanted from God. Intercession will lead to new dimensions and breakthroughs. It will open shut wombs.

Testimony: I have been married for a while now without a child and my mother-in-law and people have been asking questions. I was almost losing my peace. I got in touch with pastor who prayed asking for God’s intervention. I want to say that God has finally answered. He has put my enemies to shame. I am now eight weeks pregnant. Praise the lord.

Gly S.A.

Have you accepted Jesus as your personal Lord and savior? If not, but you desire to do so, then pray this prayer out loud and believe. Father in heaven, I have had your word. I give you my life; cleanse me of my sins with the blood of Jesus. Make me a new person. Jesus come into my life and be my personal Lord and saviour. Thank you for saving me in Jesus name Amen.

I believe that this word has richly prospered your life. Write to us or send us an e-mail of your testimony and let us rejoice with you for Jesus is real. Your praise reports and prayer request are welcome.

You can support or partner with us by paying your financial seed into any Guaranty Trust Bank (gtbank), Acct name-Pst Johnson Omomadia, Acct Nos-207-700486110, or any Union Bank of Nigeria (Aspamda Branch, Lagos) Acct name-Christ Reality Church, Acct Nos- 0961030000940, and advise us accordingly, through our contact stated below, so that we can verify and acknowledge receipt.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Illusions of nothing

I sail down corridors of paintings, paintings of dreams, where there is never anything....but it feels like all my life I have been in there. In the darkness of the corridors, I splash in colours of imagination and swim in dark circles. I wish I could say this in a way you would understand but I have never been a poet and my words sometimes feel like the fibres of chewed sugarcane on my tongue.

I have never been a poet, my words are like illusions...illusions of nothing

P.S: All I really want to say is despite the fact that I have so many stories, dreams, fantasies...I am so dry...oh, and this explanation is for those that often accuse me of talking in a roundabout kinda way...they know themselves...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Freedom of information

I am very disappointed with this news. The SSS has arrested Jonathan Elendu of Elendu reports, a political blog that features news and political articles about Nigeria. He was arrested on arrival at the airport under suspicion of being a journalist for Sahara Reporters, one of my favourite places to get the main "koko" of the matter.

What is happening? First Channels Tv, and now arresting an online blogger? I am afraid Yar'adua is going to be a surprise to many in that country. He is one of those that actually bites before even barks!

Why do we insist going backwards? When the world is developing, why do we insist on behaving like uncivilised human beings?

And all that "rule of law" bullshit, hypocrites!

Monday, October 20, 2008

The burden

The girls walked faster, as they encouraged Fatima on, don't look back, just keep walking. Keep walking, one leg after another, keep walking....Fatima suddenly stopped.

"I can't do it" she said

"I told you, she is too weak!" Mayo looked at Fatima with disdain. Her eyes took in the cheap shirt she had lent her, the torn wrapper and stained scarf on her head.

"Too weak" she said again. As if this point was not the one that had brought them to the edge of a strange town at night.

"Well, I am not going back and if you go back, you are no longer welcome to stay at our place"

"I understand" replied Fatima, her head bent and her eyes concentrated on a spot in the ground where a frog had just leapt from and left a trace of a slimy substance behind.

"I understand and I thank both of you for all you have done. I don't know what I would have done without you guys"

The girls looked at each other; they all knew this moment was the one that would bind them together. At this spot. At the edge of a town that wasn't theirs, in an unknown bush. It was ironical that six years in boarding school together had never been able to achieve this but here they were, a year after school, and this was going to be the moment. Each of them carrying with them, this memory for the rest of their lives.

"I really wish you could stay on but we can't do it anymore. You know we would help if we can but we are just students, we can't do the moment" Funke was now looking Mayo with pleading eyes. Perhaps they could allow her to stay but...the burden...

"The burden is too much" Mayo said what she could see Funke was unable to say. She was not weak; she could do and say what others could not.

"We have helped all we can. We were not even that close in secondary school yet, we took you in. Your own parents threw you out, even your grandmother. We are also struggling. The burden is too much on us"

Fatima hugged Mayo, then Funke, who would not look into her eyes

"What are you going to do now?" asked Funke

"Don't worry about me, guys. Thank you for everything. I'll be fine"

The girls walked on, living Fatima behind in a forest that wasn't hers and a town that wasn't hers. The burden alone was hers. She quickened her pace...faster and faster until she broke into a run. She could hear the child crying, she could feel the milk in her breasts leak into her blouse and she ran until she could see her burden in the basket.

"Mummy is here now, don't worry"

The child sucked at her breast hungrily, unaware of moments, and strange towns and forests. The warmth of the milk spread through out his little body and he was soon off to sleep, in the arms of his mother.

Fatima smiled at her son...this burden so heavy.

Friday, October 17, 2008


The worst feeling in life, I now understand would have to be a feeling of rejection...not only when your work is rejected but when you in turn, have to tell another person that their work is not going to be used for various reasons...

Of course I asked, "do I really have to do this?"

Unfortunately, I have to. Rather than contemplate my own inadequacy which I'd rather crawl into and die a slow and miserable death...instead, here I am trying to think of all those proverbs that come in handy at times like this. Things to do with strength, falling, rising, being brave, looking ahead, tomorrow is another day, etc etc. All that stuff that I normally reel off my head to friends and family alike.

For the love of God, why can't I think of any now?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Advertisment lingo...

I am trying to enquire about placing adverts on Nigerian radio. How ever, I do not know the lingo required. In layman's terms, I just want to know how much it costs. I am assuming you pay according to how many minutes, etc. I really have no idea...what am I supposed to be asking for here? Abeg, if anybody works in advertising in Nigeria, take pity on me before I make a fool of myself!

In fact, I change my mind. Why I dey do all this wahala self? Abeg, if anybody can hook me up with a small but reliable advertising agency that can do all this work, I will be very grateful!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Just sharing...

We see evil in others because we know evil through our own behavior. We never pardon those who wound us because we feel that we would never be pardoned. We tell others the painful truth because we want to hide it from ourselves. We take refuge in pride so that no-one can see how fragile we are. That is why, whenever you are judging your brother, bear in mind that it is you who is on trial(Okakura Kakuso, The Book of Tea, 1904).

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Honestly, I won't mind.....

email is

Friday, October 10, 2008

You guys are gonna have to do better than this to get my attention!

Come on people! Where is the imagination?
















Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I don't know you

She didn't have the ring she always had."It got lost" she said, somewhere between the first child and third. She now walked with a limp, her fast gait lost along a motorway in India."Riding motorcycles can be dangerous" she said. Paul kept hovering nearby, I could feel his eyes boring into my back, the questions would come, at night, when all was quiet and the children fast asleep. He would ask, "do you regret marrying me?", "do you regret not leaving when you had the chance?". Then we will make love and sleep off in each other's arms, the confirmation that everything is exactly as it should be. I wish Paul would go away...even my friendships are not truly mine. "How are the kids?" I finally asked. She told me they were all doing well. Joan seemed to take after her, studying art and all that "hocus-pocus" as her father called it. She has a small exhibition coming up, perhaps I'd like to come? Paul said I couldn't, we had a lot of unfinished work in the garden. That's what we would be doing next Saturday. "It is?" I looked up from staring at Agatha's hair, now black, jet black, the colour she had always wanted.Paul said it was, then he finally went away. Agatha said she had something for me, she reached into her bag, and brought out an old picture. Good lord! How old could we have been? only 16, that was before Paul and Frank had come into our lives, before the children, before the gardens, before the houses. Before we became like.... everyone else. It was great to see Agatha again, I waved until her scooter disappeared into the darkness and I could not see her scarf flying behind her anymore.

On Saturday, I wore my dress, the one he says makes me look like an old prostitute. I wore my lipstick and my black heels. He looked up from his weeding and said "You know, sometimes I don't know who you are". I did not blame him for saying that, I felt the same way too. Most mornings, I look into the mirror and I say "I don't know you".

Thursday, October 2, 2008

And you want to find the way....yeah, right.

I have been meaning to tell this story for a long time but I never could find the time to write it down. It is just one of my many observations of human beings which I find completely astonishing and unbelievable. Recently, I was at a seminar with a couple of ladies. Now after the seminar, we all decided to grab lunch together but before that, I had managed to pick up some books. A couple of the books were from this author while a couple of others were from other religious teachings including Christianity. Now, after picking up these books, I went straight to lunch so I did not have time to buy a bag or anything to put them in. I had just my laptop and these mountain of books. I figured I'd eat first before solving that problem. Hence, the books were on the table when I started my lunch. None of the other women noticed my books and especially not Lydia who sat beside me.

Now, half way into our lunch, a very dishevelled looking guy stopped in front of our table and just seemed to be staring. The other ladies of course immediately started holding unto their bags and making sure all their properties were accounted for. I don't blame them though cos this guy would not be the sort they would feel comfortable with. He had long unwashed hair, flared pants, and some tired looking shirt. I knew it was the books that had attracted him and from the beads on his neck, I reckoned he was a Buddhist.

Finally, he decides to speak and comes to my side of the table. Again, these women shift further away and are giving each other "eye signs". Apparently, we were now all in a very dangerous situation. Anyway, this guy asks me if I am a Buddhist, I say no, I am just reading the books because I enjoy them. He says he has never read any of the books but he is interested cos he belongs to that particular Buddhism path (or however it is called). He asks me if he can sit next to me and look through the books. By this time, all the women are shaking their heads and their eyes are getting rounder. I say yes of course, he can look through them. As he sits down, the ladies automatically shift further down the table. God forbid any of them should be caught dead in the company of such a man!

Anyway, this guy and I get into some deep conversations cos he notices the other religious books as well. Turns out he studies theology and is writing his thesis on "suffering and pain" or something like that. Hello! If there is anybody that has theories on "suffering and pain", it has to be me. We get into all sorts of theories and it is at this time and he starts explaining some of the things he is writing about and of course mentions a bit about Buddhism. Now, at this point, Lydia finally gets it that he is Buddhist (praise Jehovah!). She jumps in the conversation and here below, is the conversation as much as I remember it.

Lydia: Oh, so you are a Buddhist?

Buddhist: Yes.

Lydia: Oh, I was thinking of starting Buddhism, where do you think I can start?

Buddhist: ehhhh, it know there are different ways and you have to find the right one for you...

Lydia: But which one would you recommend? I was thinking of going for the trade fair coming up (yes, that's right, there is actually a fair for Buddhism)

Buddhist: Well, I don't know if I can "recommend" anyone, but I am meeting up with a couple of friends at "so and so" cafe, there are all from different Buddhist are very welcome to come along.

Lydia: But this fair...its going to be on the 27th...I think I'll go there.

Buddhist(totally not getting it): Yeah, so maybe you'll get a feeling of what is it all about. Its by 6 o'clock. I could give you my phone number if you want to come.

Lydia: I was thinking I 'll just go to this fair, you know, look around.

By now, I see that the poor man is totally confused, so I decide to jump in and save both of them from further suffering.

Waffy: I am gonna go there as well, I want to buy some more books, we could go there together if you like.

Lydia: Because at the trade fair there would be different types so maybe I'll find one I can start with.

Buddhist: Well, here is my number if you decide to come anyway...or anything you want.

Very awkward moment as Lydia has now decided to move away...obviously she ain't giving her number to this man.

Waffy: Oh great!...yeah, here is mine as case you ever want to discuss books or whatever.

We exchange numbers and say our good byes.

Lydia: About the trade fair. This is very personal for me, you know, its a journey I must take alone.


Waffy: Oh, I really don't care. It's "whatever" for me.

Lydia: I just want you to know that I am a very social person, I mean I do love going out with people, but this is just so personal...

Waffy (interrupting): No, no. You don't need to explain. I really really do not care.

My point: This is something people do all the time, everybody is looking for something. People will take the time to go to the church every Sunday, or mosque, or in the case of this woman, a trade fair. Everybody is looking for a way. People are ready to read books, sing hymns, chant prayers, we can do all the superficial that can confirm that we are actually finding our paths. Yet, when it comes to the extremely simple things in life, like sitting next to someone that is not dressed as you think is "proper", or shaking hands with someone that does not seem "clean" enough, lo and behold, it becomes impossible. Yet, come Sunday or Friday, you will enter traffic and struggle your way to where ever it is you are going to confirm once again, that you are on the right path.

Oh, another point. It always baffles me when people have opportunities to learn and they can not see it. I have seen many people wave away golden opportunities to learn something new because they are too focused on something else. I guarantee you that Lydia would have learnt much more about Buddhism in two hours from hanging out with them than she would if she spent three days in a trade fair.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Thats all you can do at two in the morning...goodnight.

Another party, to remind us of what's ahead
I bought you a helmet, to protect your head
It is of no use though, since you have no head
Its hard to remember if you once had a head
My father said he once thought you had a head
I hope you are happy not having a head
I am going to stop saying head
and get you out of my head

Jeez!!!!!!!!!I am going to bed...I am the one without a head at 2 in the morning!Oh...that was supposed to be about Nigeria...for what its worth!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Love Minus Zero/No Limit

Someone made a quote today...he said "my love speaks like silence" was something beautiful I thought...then he said it was from a Bob Dylan song...and you all know I just had to find it..and yeah...beautiful lyrics.

My love she speaks like silence
Without ideals or violence
She doesn't have to say she's faithful
Yet she's true, like ice, like fire.
People carry roses
Make promises by the hours
My love she laughs like the flowers
Valentines can't buy her.

In the dime stores and bus stations
People talk of situations
Read books, repeat quotations
Draw conclusions on the wall.
Some speak of the future
My love she speaks softly
She knows there's no success like failure
And that failure's no success at all.

The cloak and dagger dangles
Madams light the candles.
In ceremonies of the horsemen
Even the pawn must hold a grudge.
Statues made of match sticks
Crumble into one another
My love winks, she does not bother
She knows too much to argue or to judge.

The bridge at midnight trembles
The country doctor rambles
Bankers' nieces seek perfection
Expecting all the gifts that wise men bring.
The wind howls like a hammer
The night blows cold and rainy
My love she's like some raven
At my window with a broken wing.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Saturday, September 27, 2008


There are many things I can't stand in life and one of my many irritations would just have to be people that can not stand for their opinions or principles in life. People that are easily swayed by other people. Now I agree that one has the right to change one's mind. We should be able to use information and knowledge and mold it into our own lives as it fits us. Yes, one should be able to change an opinion if one thinks he/she now knows better. Those are not the kind of people I am talking about.

I am talking about those people that sway wherever the wind blows. Today when you meet them, they think one thing, tomorrow they are now thinking another, next tomorrow, its a whole different ball game. You wonder whats going on...then you realise he was with John on Monday and then with Christina on Tuesday and tomorrow he will be with Olu. First of all, if you have been brought up in Nigeria and you still behave like that, then I really pity you. It is a known fact that we talk with confidence on any subject as if we are experts. As if we have two PhDs and have done considerable research on the subject at hand. People are always telling you EXACTLY what you should be doing. They will sit down and with grave solemnity and authority tell you in great detail, what you should be doing with your life, clothes, friends, food...anything and everything. Now, if you are smart and enquire further about their unshakable convictions about a certain subject, do not be amazed to hear "because my sister's husband's cousin said that something like this happened to his neighbour and this is what the neighbour did". Also, in case you have all not noticed, we are all about the "hype". We can "hype" our way in, over, on top, across any situation. We love the "hype", the feeling that we are "in the know" when the truth of the matter is if you scrape just a little bit at the gold surface, all you will have is shit.

Now, if you are a teenager it is still permissible..that's why it is called "Peer pressure". As an adult, it is called STUPIDITY. There is no reason why anybody should still be listening to others when you have the brain and ability to make your own decisions. Do you really believe that these people are more intelligent than you? Sometimes people really have to step back and analyse the kind of people that are talking...if they knew so much, why are their own lives not top notch? Why are they not the ones enjoying the kind of life they think you should? Why are they not doing EXACTLY what they THINK you should do?

The most unattractive human being is one that has no opinion of his/her own. Sometimes, people really have to think, "who am I"? If you still do not know who you are as an adult, whatever you do, please do not live in Nigeria, because you will become a thousand and one things and none of them will be you.

And to such people, I ask, "dem give you *ogbolokokomioko chop?"

*Ogbolokokomioko is a type of love potion used to cast spells on men. It is rumoured that if such a potion is used on a man, he loses all his senses and does exactly as the women desires.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Come on!

"Come on!" that's what I screamed out loud with my hands up in the air as three buses whizzed past me going in the opposite direction. You see, I live in an area where there are two bus stops at my disposal. However, these two buses go in opposite directions but taking either of them will still get me to my end destination. Now, since I can take any of the buses one would think my life in the mornings would be so easy right? WRONG!

These two buses leave at almost the same time and I have to choose one bus stop. Now, I know the genius minds there are wondering, why not just stand in the middle? And then run to any of them when you see either of the buses appear? My good friends, the middle ground here is a fucking bridge! Even if I decide to stand in the middle and risk getting run over(possibly by another irate human being that is having his/her own traumatic morning)I cannot see the bus in time to run back or forth to either of the bus stops. The two bus stops have been designed with precise precision at the two corners of a long winding downhill road (I am sorry, this is the best I can do with the description). Let’s just call the two bus stops “uphill” and “downhill” for easy identification.

So, every morning I make a decision as to which bus stop is worth having a traumatic experience under. You see, you all know that whichever bus stop I choose, I will be standing there, watching in agony, as buses go in the opposite, I dare not run to the opposite bus stop because the moment I do, a bus will suddenly appear at the very bus stop where I had been standing all along! Sometimes I try to trick the universe and pretend I am going to the "downhill" bus stop so that the buses will then go to the "uphill" bus stop which was my original destination all along. Of course this never works; the universe knows that I am actually going to the "uphill" bus stop, so it sends the buses to the "downhill" bus stop!

Still following? Good. Now, after many months of running like a crazed woman back and forth and trying different brain tricks, I decided that each morning, I am going to stand in just one bust stop and no matter what happens, no matter how many buses whizz past me, I stand there patiently and wait for the bus. No more nervous break downs and running in zig zag.

Now, making this decision is also very problematic because both buses have advantages and disadvantages. The "downhill" bus takes you to the underground, which is actually the best and it does not matter if the bus is late because the trains come regularly. The problem with this bus is that it wastes so much time in between stops. The main causes of this problem are mothers and their prams, which I now call German tanks. The bus can only take two prams and they have to be of the regular kind. However, these days, they now have the kind that is like "double" know, they can have two kids in it. They normally have one baby and then a bigger one beside...I am sure you have seen them, huge tank like carriages. Anyway, just one of these ugly things can take up the whole space meant for two regular prams. Now, every, single morning, do you think we have just one mother with one tank? Nope. Always, more than four or five mothers arguing and pushing to try and get their tanks in the bus. This takes an enormous amount of time with the bus driver coming down and trying to decide who actually came first etc, etc...And all this while, all I can do is scream "COME ON!"

The other bus, the "uphill" one is calmer but it takes you to the train...which for some reason is not as appealing to people as the underground is. This bus would be perfect if it was not scheduled to arrive with exact precision with the train. So you take the bus, and as the bus gets to the train station, you actually have to run to get the train. Now, it does happen, quite often actually, that the bus driver decides to drive like he is in Lagos slow, that I am usually screaming with my hands in the air, "COME ON!” Many of you might think that this ride is not as traumatic as the other one but I assure you, when you run like a mad woman, through the tunnel, then up the stairs, then you see the doors close right before your very eyes...and then you look at the board and the next train is in twenty minutes....


250 million women in the EU. Not a single one good enough?

During the coming 12 months, four politicians will be appointed as leaders of the European Union. For fifty years now, the picture of European political leadership has remained the same. It is time for a change. International top posts should always go to the most competent candidate. There are 250 million women in Europe; it should not be too hard to find qualified candidates among all these.

If you wish to see at least one female appointed as leader of the European Union, sign here.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

You see how determined I am to speak french?

Yep, na by force! I must sing this song...I am halfway already...lets see how it goes by next week..

Friday, September 19, 2008

No marraige please!

This post was inspired by the debate going on here

There comes a point in a woman's life when you have to you! Nope, there is really no point in your life when you have to decide shit. I am so tired of people telling women just why it is such a joy to get married. We know all the reasons...we've been told since childhood...but what about the reasons NOT to get married? Well, let me see...lets see if I can come up with ten? Yep, that will do. Ten reasons.

1) You have to see the same damn face every morning. You wake up and oops! same mutherfucker.

2) Those little humans you bring into the world are dependent on you for...wait for it...LIFE! You have to worry about them until the very day you die. Even on your dying bed, you will worry about them worrying about you.

3) You can't return that man if you find out certain features that he came with are not up to standard.

4) Oh! the cleaning, the cooking, the never fucking ends! It just goes on and on and on....

5) You remember that cute guy that has been checking you out? The one with the big muscles and good looking ass? Forget him! You are married!

6) Its not enough that you have your family to deal comes a whole bunch of human beings...and they are on a whole other level too! It will take a life time trying to figure out how they all work...hell, you haven't even figured out the mechanisms of your own family.

7) Yeah, yeah, you've got to compromise. Forget about what you want, now its all about what "WE" want...boring!

8) This is the best part...those couple dinners, family outings with other families, birthday parties, all those smiles, teeth flashing,"oh life is so great"...exhausting.

9) The never ending maintenance of your body. Don't forget to oil and patch yourself up cos if you don't, that man sure is gonna get his servicing somewhere else!

10) Have I mentioned that you have to see the same mutherfucker everyday?

Note: If you do not have a sense of humour, just pretend you did not see this.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

To Saint Patrick

When I was a teenager, a great part of my teenage years was spent in the house of this author, planning and plotting with his sister who was about the same age as I was. A forest separated their house from the estate which I lived in(there is now a road there, thank God!)and yes, we were brave enough to walk through it when we could not afford "okada"...which was quite often.

To me, Eghosa was a "bigger boy", as all boys that went to the University of Benin were seen as those days in Warri. We watched with fascination as Eghosa and his Uniben guys cruised in and out of Warri. I and his sister enjoyed hanging around when his friends were in the house. Of course, Eghosa never allowed us to hang around for too long...we were just "small" girls...who wanted secondary school girls giggling like idiots around them? Cos that's all we did...giggle and whisper and try and get noticed. Nobody ever did notice us...but Eghosa was kind enough to give us rides from time to time...and I always got invited for his parties...although most times I and his sister were just needed there to serve and for other unworthy errands! However, it was always exciting to be around the "bigger" boys and babes of Warri.

I was therefore very excited to see this book. For not only did it remind me of those years with his sister but also, I am so happy to see a fellow waffarian(and one that grew up in the same neighborhood too!)published! It is such a joy and I am so very proud of him.

So you all know what's up, make una grab una copy fast fast and promote my brother abeg!

Up Warri, we dey sha! Haba! I throway salute!

Update: You can get the book here

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Life is a roller coaster...just got to ride it!

Okay, I know people say all the time that you really need to believe and let go, things will come to you, etc...well, they are all right! This past year, I have been working really hard in changing the way I see my life, trying to get back that positive feeling that I used to be so famous for, before I became a "fatalist" like a friend of mine calls me. Anyway, I don't know how in the world I stopped being so excited about life and everything around me. How did that happen? Well, I know. It was the fucking series and series of never fucking ending disappointments...they never ended...and I know, I contributed to it. Someone told me recently, "You know Waffy, you really are too trusting"...I thought about it and told another friend of mine...I mean, I know I am, its no secret, I trust people in good faith...and yeah, that's what fucks me up...time and time, and time again. Anyway, and my friend tells me "but that's what makes you else are you supposed to live in this world?"...and you know what? She is right, I can not live in paranoa thinking every single person I meet is dishonest or out to get me...that would be way too egoistic, cos really, I don't think I am that important to anybody.

Anyway, since summer, I've been working really hard on my life, changing mostly the way I think, and trying to find the old me. The girl from Nigeria who set out to conquer the world. The old me is not perfect, but she was strong and determined and every set back was an incentive to work harder, try harder, and do her best. That's the part I wanted most, to do my best in anything I do and not the half assed attempt I often throw in. Do my best and get satisfaction in even the little things in my life. Live my moments.

It has been hard work, trying to always be "present", giving a 100% concentration in every single thing I do. It is hard work to stop my mind running away in fantasies and dream land. Yet again, practise makes perfect. That's true as well. My mind still runs away from time to time, but now, most times, my mind is concentrated on whatever it is I am doing. It is becoming a part of my life and I can't wait until it just "is", just part of me, without effort, without thinking.

I know you all must be tired by now with all these posts about ME...I am sorry, but I am super excited and just had to I even dare to say I am happy? It sounds so strange...I am the melancholic one, the one with the dark side...the one that loves the "absurd" and "existentialist thoughts" I dare to say I am happy?

Well...I think I am! Hope you all have a lovely week! and is full of ups and downs...just ride it out...hold on.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Just another day...

What kind of life do I want? Why do I keep thinking about a future that isn't now and a past that isn't now? What about now? Sometimes, we truly have to let go...just more future plans, no more memories.Today is different, its not going to be like tomorrow and it is not yesterday. Wishing you all love.

Monday, September 8, 2008

There is no need to struggle to be free;the absence of struggle is in itself freedom

I am currently reading this book and I am totally immersed in it. I don't know when last I enjoyed reading a non-fiction book so much. I haven't put it down since I started it and have been writing down quotes after quotes...I actually slept on the train on the way home with a smile on my lips. Truly gratifying!

Ignore the "look inside" and see book here

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Maddy and John

Today is not a good day, for it is today that I learned that Maddy and John have broken up. I have not heard from them in three years. The last time I heard from them was when Maddy gave birth. John was beside himself with happiness, I drank wine on his behalf and I promised to come and see the baby one day...I never did and so three years went by. I was checking my mail today and saw a mail from another old friend of mine advising me to check my old mail box. My old mail box is the one that only very few people use...the people that I have a long history with. The people that I shared so much with and under so many years. People like Maddy and John.

I met Maddy and John almost ten years ago. I was twenty, I did not smoke and I did not drink. I knew who they were, the French couple that went everywhere together. Everybody knew who they were. They could often be heard arguing about politics and arriving or departing with rucksacks on their backs. It seemed they were determined to conquer all of Europe. I knew them because they were foreigners just like I was. We were all battling with a language that seemed to drive any sane person to drinking.

In the year that I moved into the house that would change my life, I was still a science student and hating every minute of it. I had been to the house many times before, as a guest. I drank my first vodka there and smoked my first cigarette there. I threw up for the first time there and also discovered I had good skills as a mediator, a role I soon became famous for in the house. I was the peace keeper, which was not an easy thing to do in a house full of young students of different nationalities. Tempers were often flared, mostly triggered by statements made by the French revolutionists, Maddy and John.

Maddy and John....who traveled to Bosnia to learn for themselves what the situation was because they could not believe the nationalist Croatians and Serbians of their conflicting stories.Maddy and John, who said they were going to see Istanbul and ended up living on a farm for six months...Maddy and John...who allowed me live in their flat in Paris for one month so "I could find myself"....Maddy and John who went to live in Zagreb for a year and then decided to move on to Finland....Maddy and John who have been together since they were teenagers...since Maddy had a scooter.

The day I moved into the house, I was not really sure who was living there and who was not. The house seemed to be a "stop over" house. I was promised a room of my own and told about the rent. The rent was nothing compared to what I had been paying earlier. Everybody in the house was on scholarship and making up our points was the biggest problem in our worlds. Apart from that,(the last minute frantic studying with cups of coffee) our days were spent drinking, smoking, arguing and...falling in love. Everybody wanted what Maddy and John had. Maddy and John were never on the same page in politics. If John understood the Croatians, then Maddy suddenly became a Serb patriot. You see...our house was a stronghold for the Croats, strong fierce students that had lived through the war and did not mind narrating the same stories every night...for years. It happened that we sometimes had Serbs in the house, after all, we were "love and peace", no discriminating. On such nights, my "peace keeper" role became very important

...Maddy and John...who came to visit me here...and Maddy told me she wanted a baby...and then left for Ecuador or was it Peru? Maddy and John who knew how to have sex "discreetly" in a room full of sleeping people...Maddy and John who were the last to get mobile phones.

In her mail, Maddy had said,"I know this comes as a shock".....

I looked at the mail and wondered, where did all those years go? Those years when we shared everything...we cooked together, ate together, washed our clothes together, smiled together, shared our dreams together....we took every student up on their invitations and traveled to Poland, Romania, Slovakia, Croatia...we spent many nights together huddled under blankets laughing for no good reason...and when they fought? We helped John search for Maddy on the streets(she had a habit of running off anytime they quarreled)we drank with him and waited for her. We watched them make up and smiled with satisfaction when we saw them arguing again. Maddy and John were meant to be. In our world where nothing was ever stable, Maddy and John was the constant in our lives. Even after ten years, conversations with long lost friends could never go wrong because even if we had nothing to say after all these years, we could always talk about the latest adventure of Maddy and John.

We were all going to meet again in 2010...a promise made after one wild night of drinking when we realized people were slowly moving out... after Natasha lost her scholarship in the art academy...we saw it happening...the drinking, the drugs, the "warnings" from the university piling up...until she left.

We were supposed to meet in front of the hostel where we had once all lived...the hostel before the house. It had been Maddy and John's idea. We had all signed the paper. In 2010 we would all meet, and we were sure Maddy and John would still be together...they were meant to be.

"I know this comes as a shock" she had written...I look at the recipients of the mail...she had sent the mail to every single one of us that had lived in the house. I could imagine Natasha having a heart attack, somewhere on the beach in Split. Martin, somewhere in Argentina, phoning John and saying "Hey man, this sucks". Tina in Romania drinking a sherry or something and exclaiming in that tiny voice of hers "Fuck!". Mary in Sophia, already planning a trip to France...God knows she will be of no help...Andy in Ukraine just smoking another joint and saying "Jah knows best". Greg in Greece will probably just phone Martin in Argentina and rant. Sasha in Saudi Arabia will... many names, so many many years...

I compose myself and write.

"I think it is time for an intervention...."

After all, I was always the peace keeper...shit...I need a drink.

On the question of love...


Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Friday, September 5, 2008

On the question of believing in yourself or having faith....take your pick.

Voice on phone: Hey waffy, guess what? Paul earned 1,500 dollars in one night!

Waffy: Wow! Thats really good. Good for him.

Voice on phone: and his girfriend is going back to school now...she is gonna do some economics stuff...two years...She's gonna increase her salary once that's done.

Waffy: Cool!

Voice on phone: Everybody know...simple stuff...yours is so complicated.

Waffy: Are you comparing me with Paul's girlfriend?

Voice on phone: I am just saying...your things are always so complicated...unlike others...

Waffy: Honestly, I am not interested in the paths other people choose, I have chosen mine and that's what I am doing...and you shouldn't be jealous either... of other people, by the way.

Voice on phone: Well, its all about money, you know.

Waffy: Don't worry about my life okay? I am okay, I am fine. Find other things to be active in. Stop worrying about me. I'll talk to you later, bye.

Two minutes later, another phone call

Voice on phone: Is that waffy?

Waffy: Yes.

Voice on phone: Yeah, its me, you got the job.

Waffy: Yayyyyyyyyyyy!

And so you see people, fuck em mutherfuckers.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Nothing but a fool

You live your life in a state of shrugs
One more problem, one more shrug
You never create your own circumstances
but instead are ruled by circumstances
You never take a chance
but let everything happen by chance
Your life has become nothing but a series
of chances, coincidences and circumstances
You have become nothing but a fool.

Note:This was written in a dream. In my dream, I wrote this and read it out loud for a friend of mine. Anyway, I woke up and I actually remembered it. Yes, yes, even in my dreams, I am writing. Pity I can't remember everything I wrote in that great novel that won so many prizes!

Blast from the past.

It's been more than ten years since I left Nigeria and I remember those early years, alone in a foreign country, no friends, no family, no mobile phones.The mobile phone part is particularly important because if we had cell phones in Nigeria like we do now, I would not have been as lonely as I was. Anyway, during those early years, I spent a lot of time in the library. Reading or using the free internet. One of the sites that made me feel less lonely was this site. I used to go there and read the message board and laugh my heart out. Most of the messages then were from foreign women that had met Nigerian men and wanted to find out about Nigeria. Some asked for advice, others asked for recipes, or stupid questions such as "what are magi cubes and is there something similar in the United States?"(taken from the message has to wonder the kind of men they are meeting...who can not explain what "maggi" is?)Of course, yours truly was a regular advice giver. Anyway, I stumbled across the site again and I was pleasantly surprised to see that even though the messages had dwindled, with mostly stupid adverts taking over, still, the site was still functioning. So, to the owner of that site, thank you for making a young girl's life less lonely.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Overhead conversations...

On the train, two women

Blonde one: So, when I went down, I met them at the entrance of the gym and then I said: "Yes! I have been unfaithful!" should have seen their was so funny!

Short haired one: (laughing): Thats too funny!

Blonde one: Ofcourse the next day, she came up to me and said "I did not mean it that way" and I said "Of course you didn't, but Its true, isnt it? I have been unfaithful". I mean, thats the truth.

On bus, two teenage boys

The one with shorts: I am not going to fast. I think its so false.

The other one:Does your brother fast?

The one with shorts: Yes, but I think its bullshit, cos afterwards he still goes and sees his girlfriend and all that. Its just bullshit. I am not going to fast. Everybody is so false.

On the bus, a woman and a man

Woman: I just can't do this anymore, I just can't, I have to go to work, take care of him, everything. I am too tired. I can't do it anymore.

Man: Yes, but yesterday I picked him up.

Woman: You think that helps for anything? I do this everyday. Go to work, then I have to rush to pick him up, then all the rest things...I can not do this by myself anymore. You have to help me. I am overwhelmed.

On the bus, two teenage girls

Blonde girl: So, like my hair is just this way, people ask me if I have a perm, but I don't, it just looks like I have. Like if you look here...its really straight. But I have done nothing to it.

Other girl: Mine too, it used to be really curly when I was young, but now..I think its thinning out.

Blonde girl: Mine too, it used to be so much fuller.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Sometimes, I do fold them.

You were there, in that big space where you always are. You had taken up all the space as usual. I picked you up, so heavy...but I picked you up and then I rolled you all up...I rolled and rolled until you were as small as a folded shirt. Then when you were small enough, I saw you no longer took up so much space. I stuffed you in the cupboard in the tiny corner. Where all the other men are. You should be happy I folded you so carefully. Some are not folded at all. Some I just dump inside. All crumpled with stains and all, so you should be happy I folded you as gently as I did. You know the other one? The one before you? I never folded him...I jumped on him a couple of times and then I made holes in him with a cigarette, then I just dumped him in. I don't even know if he is still in there, he is quite unrecognizable now...sometimes, I am not sure. I saw the neighbor’s dog the other day with something in his mouth that looked like him... but I am not sure. You, I was so very careful because maybe sometimes I might want to look at you...I might want to remember how good it great it felt...that’s why I am so careful with you, that’s why you are folded. I are just like the rest of them..cruel...mean...selfish...sometimes I really think that’s what you are but late at nights, when nobody is looking, I take you out and wrap myself in you, oblivious to the the rest of them. You don't know me anymore, cos that’s what happens when you are locked in the cupboard. Days will pass, and you will not remember me. Months will pass and I will also be ...just like the rest. I wonder if there will be a time when I will see the dog playing with you and I will not care. You will be full of holes and stains and I will not bother to fix you up? You will become ...rags..nothing more...will I use you to clean my window? Will I use you to clean my shoes? I don't want to think of the time when you will become rags...for now, I want to think of the times when I will take you out of the cupboard at nights and fold you in the mornings...sometimes, I do fold them.(can't embed)

Thursday, August 28, 2008

He is really waiting for me....really!

The right side of my mouth is still swollen and Johan is still very handsome with his big polished wedding band. He shook my hand before I left. Thanks. That helps alot. I was there twenty minutes early, to take the drug that knocks me out...we are not old fashioned like the States...laughing old fashioned. Here, I drink something...nasty, bitter...terrible...then wonderful, great, beautiful. I lie on the bed and he puts some screenlike blanket over my body...with an opening for my nose and mouth. I settle into the warm cocoon...I don't see him and he does not see me. Johan is young. He uses computers for everything. He is so modern and new. He has so many new gadgets and is always talking about new things. He has a TV screen on his ceiling. Last time, I watched the history of some boring town.

This time, I could not see the TV, because of the blanket thing. I remember my first meeting with Johan...almost six years ago...he was even younger then and more handsome. I had cancelled three times...he sends me texts now reminding me of my appointments...sometimes he sends letters...our relationship has really progressed, even he has noticed how great we are together. I mean six years ago,I told him, to his face, that we can never have such a relationship. You see, I thought it would hurt his feelings...I mean I did not even enter his office for this sensitive conversation but stood at the doorsteps...clutching my bag.

He has been patient. Really. He is perhaps one of the most patient men I have in my life. I really think he cares. I am now doing things I never thought I showing up for an appointment twenty minutes before. I think he is happy with me too...sometimes I think we could actually take this relationship to the next not being so drugged...I thought I was ready for this...but when I cancelled twice again...we both decided to keep the drugs in.

Update: The drugs have now worn off...and now comes the memories...I don't think I ever want to see him again. Ever.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

I dont know why I find this so hilarous.....

From the Guardian Nigeria, part of an interview with the Lagos immigration boss

What are the most important features of the e-passport, and how can it be preserved?

The public should not believe that once 'Visa Refused' is put at one corner of the passport, the international document is useless. The passport is as good as the one coming out of the press. What we are saying is this: 'this document is very sensitive, keep it the way you keep your birth certificate.'

If you can keep your birth and professional certificates sacrosanct, away from cockroaches and water, why can't you keep your passport safely; if you can keep your holy books, the Bible and the Koran, from damage, you can as well keep our national symbol neat, not in a nylon bag.

Women keep it in their handbags containing cosmetics. You cannot do that! If you have an e-passport, and you have your degree certificate, you can keep them together. If you respect your degree certificate, I don't know why you cannot keep this one.

What is the greatest danger to this document?

The obvious danger one can inflict on it is staple pin; it is not supposed to be stapled to any other document; you do not apply pin on it because of the sensitivity and the chips in-built and already activated for verifications by other missions and agencies of other countries that are ICAO-compliant.

This passport is such that any other country that is under ICAO must have the software to read the passport. So, what you see physically is not what is embedded in it; everything about you is in it. If you present it somewhere else, within 30 seconds, the person is looking at the total you - your fingerprints, your eyelids and everything.

If you wanna read the whole thing, go here

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Saturday night with music, Happy weekend!

Raisins and thoughts...

Eating raisins...while others cry for the loss of a mother, a father, a childhood, guns and bombs, scars and tissues....I am eating raisins. I wonder why I am not there, crying among the unfortunate, am I a better person than they are? Certainly not. My good deeds are yet to be written about and I know not if they affect anyone. So I watch the news and avoid your eyes...don't look at me like that, I would help if I could...does thinking about you help? I think of you often...misery...and poverty...I think of you, but mostly, I run away from you. It is scary to be near you...I am not as brave as many around the world. I could do more....more than I age long brownie principle of "one good deed a day" is no longer enough...I thought it would be...I mean...I do try...but it does not get to you does it? Even if I help an old woman cross the are still hungry and your child still will not get to I avoid your eyes...I will pretend my "one good deed a day" somehow manages to get to you, through the mystery of the beautiful circle of humanity...maybe the old woman I help will be so happy, she'll send a donation to red cross and then red cross will buy some food and then your neighbour would get a carton and because you are so good...she will share it with you? That thought makes me happy...maybe I can eat my raisins and think of you eating and your child finally smiling again? That would be something!