Monday, September 7, 2015

Fantasy and Reality.

We sit on the table, the three of us, laughing and making up stories of our future...

"When we have our baby then we will have a common tattoo" he says..."right here"

She joins her arm to his, to show where the imaginary tattoo will be.

I can not look at them...the fantasy is too much...

Later, we are alone, just the two of us...

"Do you want to have more children?" I ask

"No" she says

"But yesterday, you know all that talk with the tattoo and so on..." I say

"Yeah but all that is just fantasy" she replies

"But how do you know when its serious if its always all fun I mean enjoy the games, the mind games, going on the fantasy and so on but sometimes I feel I have to make sure it is just fantasy"

"Well, that is very easy" She takes a piece of paper and draws a line dividing into two. Everything I can in reality...everything that exists at the moment..." she writes reality on that half of the paper. "And everything that does not exist...including the imaginary baby...all that is on this side...its all fantasy"

"Ah, I understand...well I get scared sometimes...I hate empty promises, you know, all those unfulfilled the end it was just fantasy"

We look at each other and between us the air is heavy with the years of unfulfilled shit...the beach in New York, the swimming pool, the children, the villa, the country house...

"Well, I better get back to work then" she says, grabbing her keys.

I sit where I am.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

I am here.

I am here.

I did not abandon my blog.

I was in Nigeria all summer. Lagos was the usual. Alcohol and music. Friends, grilled fish and suya spice. .

Warri was love and happiness.

Love, love, love.

There were births, deaths, life.

Now I sit here in my favourite cafe, listening to Colombian music and feeling really good. I have been writing but just not here.

I thought I would be able to write about many of my experiences this summer in Nigeria but right now, my mind just wants to rest. I'll be back.

Monday, August 25, 2014

On a saturday...

On Saturday, I was sitting at home, thinking of a night in with a bottle of wine and some work when a friend of mine called. He is 27 and is recognised as an adult  and a full grown man in many societies  :) but how do I see him? Like a kid...I think its because my youngest brother is also about the same age...and you know, he will always be my baby brother...

He invited himself over and after a cup of coffee, he invited me over to his brother's place for dinner and afterwards to a dancehall and reggae party at a club.

This party was grimy, sexy, hot and nothing I had ever seen before...all kinds of women shaking their butts to some weird song that had the lyrics "tight pussy"....apparently, all the women who had tight pussys were in the middle of the floor shaking their ass.

I was intrigued and disgusted at the same time. It was a weird combination. I knew I should not be encouraging women to advertise their "tight pussy" but at the same time I could not help admiring them all for their confidence in their bodies and sexuality.

The dancehall scene was a bit too much for me so I chilled in the "roots" area where most people just drank and sat on dark sofas looking chill...

I managed to stay until 3 when the club closed...really good, considering the fact that since my thirties, I always leave anywhere (bars, clubs, parties etc)by 1 am. Experience shows that that's the best time for me to leave. After 1, everything changes. People get more drunk and desperate as the night goes on...anything can happen after 1. Also, the after 1 crowd in public transport are usually a handful. I always end up worried for somebody. A young girl throwing up alone on a platform, teenagers who look too young to be drinking, homeless people and their dogs, etc. Its just too intense.

I was going to put up the "tight pussy" song but apparently there are many dancehall tracks with the refrain "tight pussy".

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Getting away...

I have found a perfect spot. The wifi is free and I can write and watch people passing by. There was a young kid playing the cello and I am thankful he is gone. Good luck to him and whatever he was preparing for. His piece was melancholic and I was beginning to consider leaving this cozy spot. I am impressed with Helsinki airport. Everything is super modern and open and friendly. As usual, I had not planned properly for my trip. I have a one way ticket. I did my laundry yesterday night and just put my clothes straight from the dryer into my luggage. I can not tell you, what is in it. The only important thing for me was my swimming suit. Everything else, can be winged. I feel bad about not telling my friends that I was gonna leave but ....I don't know, I just wanted to get away.

I almost missed my flight. I was too optimistic as usual. I ended up having to get my lugguage in some special track and running with my boarding pass with everybody shaking their heads and saying "its late" and me saying "I know". I suppose my name had been announced enough times because as I ran to the gate, the women there called me by name. I was sweating and breathing of the women smiled at me and said,

"Take it easy, just walk down now, no need to run, you can take a newspaper too"

 " Oh, I have time for that?" I asked incredulously

With that new information, I can tell you that I took my time choosing a newspaper and walked at a snail's pace to the plane.

The problem with cheap tickets is that you have long assed layovers in airports that you would never pass through otherwise.

So here I am, in Helsinki. Across me, sits three generations of an Indian family. The grandmother is combing the granddaughter's hair. A man has pulled off his shoes and slumped in exhaustion on the chairs beside them. I am hungry and trying to decide if the restaurant opposite is worth my money. For soup and salad it seems like a rip off. However, I just loaded my bag with chocolates and booze for my hosts so I feel a bit hypocritical not wanting to spend money on food for myself.

I have two hours more. I have bought a book, taken a nap, gone to the toilet, had coffee, and now I am online.

I would like to eat just chips and mayonnaise.

Well, back to observing people.

Monday, March 17, 2014


Its been a while since I have written here. The days have gone on to be nights know...

I am back on the rat wheel. My days start by 6 every morning and end at 7 when I get home. Life as I have known it until now has been one struggle after another, dissatisfaction, never really where I want to be, always struggling so hard for the next phase, the next thing, never quite getting there...the years roll by.

I have been growing up all this while, lesson after lesson, going through the fire, taking it all in, never cowering away, walking through the mud, the shit.

Have others had it as hard as I have? Did others learn these lessons, pain free? Did everybody else grow up with minimum hurt and pain? Or have I always been the one taking life's knocks so hard?

I wake up knowing that there will be snow outside. My little home is cozy and warm...I kick the empty carton of pizza by my bedside and put on the radio. Its is 5 o'clock. No need to rush. I go back to bed, lie down and put on the TV. Something about a murder. As usual. This one was gruesome. A pregnant woman hacked to death. First, the husband was a suspect, then the neighbour...the neighbour was the husband's lover. Anyway, as I dozed off and on, I never really knew who had hacked the poor woman to death. With an axe!

It is 6 now and I take a shower while brushing my teeth. I don't have any clothes set out for the day but the snow outside dictates that it will be "boots" day.  I lazily put on my cloths and make my bed. I lock my door by 7 and cross the street to wait for the bus.

My sense of well being and purpose in life has come as a surprise to me. One day I am writhing in anxiety and nervousness and the next, I am drinking a glass of wine with my meal, sorting through old stuff and sleeping early.

Surely, all lessons have been learned by now?

Sunday, February 2, 2014 a box...

I had been indoors all day. The skies were grey. I made some tea and ate the left over noodles from the night before.

I looked at the time, my package. I got a note that said I had a package at the nearby post, waiting for me...

I dressed up hurriedly and left my apartment munching on a piece of dried meat that I had mistakenly dried up in the oven. It was supposed to be juicy and soft but I had slept off and now, it was more like a beef jerky. On my wait out, I almost fell over the boxes of a newly arrived resident. The taxi was parked right in front of the building, his bags and boxes all over the entrance.

I gave him a loud and cheery HI! as I passed and got a huge smile in return. Just to make him feel less lonely...if he was...I don't know...making someone feel welcome in a new place can be nice, I thought.

The skies were still grey and a curtain of fog hung over the heads of the people on the street. I walked purposefully, like I was on a mission. I thought of what others would think of me, they would think "there goes a woman that knows what she is doing in life", the thought that I was fooling innocent passersby made me smile. 

The guy at the counter was nice. He wasted no time getting my package.

I walked out of the shop with a new spring in my friend had sent me a package...

I got home and opened it...and...

It was hope...hope in a box.

How do you say "thank you" to that?

She knew...

(Sorry, my phone really takes terrible pictures)

Thursday, January 23, 2014

2014, new shit men!

Hello? Anybody still out there?

How are you my dear readers? I hope life is treating you all well.

I am not sure why I have avoided my blog for so long. Perhaps its the feeling that I have nothing new to report. Like a diamond on my finger or a picture of a big baby bump or you know, one of those life changing events.

I am still alive!!!

Yes. Alive and well.

I am not going to recount all the shit from 2013, its already documented here so that would be a waste of time.

2014. All I want to do this year is to get through it HAPPY big goals, no lofty ideas, just simply living from day to day with a smile on my face.

I will try to write as much as I can on my blog.

Love and Peace,