The wind was mild, the sun, shining. Lovers holding hands.
I walked behind them, taking in all the sights. The fishermen were offloading their fish and people were buying them all, straight from the net.
I stopped to stare.
"Do you want to buy some to take home?" my brother asked.
It was tempting.
"Nahhhhh. I can't be bothered" I replied.
He walked ahead, speaking with his girlfriend. She was laughing and holding his hand.
A guy jogged past without a shirt, sweating and making some strange hand movements, spontaneously, I jogged behind him, imitating his movements. I got a few laughs from the people around.
There is still so much I haven't seen in the world, I thought. So much. Where are all those ships going?
When we got to the beach, I took off my shoes and lay down.
"You are like a lizard, soaking up the sun" my brother said, taking a drag of his cigarette.
"Ehhhn, let it be. I don't care". I replied.
"You should put your feet in, its good for the blood circulation" he said.
I did that for a while and got bored. Then I lay down again.
"You would stay here all day if you could" he said.
"I would". I replied, my eyes closed.
A woman was sun bathing in a bikini. She seemed so confident. Her man kept talking pictures of her while she struck different poses.
What confidence! I thought. She was overweight.
"We should go now" my brother said.
I got up reluctantly. So much to see in the world, so much to do.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Very adult like...
I covered my ears with my hands and closed my eyes, from far away, I could hear the shrieks, prayers and the babies crying and the plane was still rocking terribly but I had forced my mind into meditation..... metta, metta, metta, metta.......
Suddenly I felt two hard slaps on my arm, I got out out of my trance in shock.
"Its okay now" the old lady sitting beside me said.
I looked around. Yes, it seemed to be peaceful. For how long had been out of it? Rocking myself like a lunatic?
"Just a little turbulence" she said
I did not reply, I stared into the dark clouds forcing myself back into reality.
Just 15 minutes more, just 15 minutes more.....
"Just a little turbulence indeed!" that's why people were holding unto each other and crying....
Was I really prepared to die? Would I have accepted death without fear? I would not want to die in fear. My heart was still racing...
"Are you visiting someone?" the woman was trying hard to get me out of my mind...
"A mini holday" I replied. "And you?"
"Oh, we have a boat there, we are going to sail this month and June"
"Oh thats really fine, really fine. You are going to have a fine time"
"I hope so " she say.
Why do I keep saying "fine?" not wonderful, or nice, or great, but "fine"?
But my language skills had now reversed to my mother tongue. All other languages had sort of disappeared with fear.
The plane landed.
"Thank you" I say to her. She knows what I am thanking her for.
"No problem" she says and rubs my hand.
I walk confidently away with my backpack like a confident adult. Yes, I am adult, I can handle all sorts of crisis, I am super.
Suddenly I felt two hard slaps on my arm, I got out out of my trance in shock.
"Its okay now" the old lady sitting beside me said.
I looked around. Yes, it seemed to be peaceful. For how long had been out of it? Rocking myself like a lunatic?
"Just a little turbulence" she said
I did not reply, I stared into the dark clouds forcing myself back into reality.
Just 15 minutes more, just 15 minutes more.....
"Just a little turbulence indeed!" that's why people were holding unto each other and crying....
Was I really prepared to die? Would I have accepted death without fear? I would not want to die in fear. My heart was still racing...
"Are you visiting someone?" the woman was trying hard to get me out of my mind...
"A mini holday" I replied. "And you?"
"Oh, we have a boat there, we are going to sail this month and June"
"Oh thats really fine, really fine. You are going to have a fine time"
"I hope so " she say.
Why do I keep saying "fine?" not wonderful, or nice, or great, but "fine"?
But my language skills had now reversed to my mother tongue. All other languages had sort of disappeared with fear.
The plane landed.
"Thank you" I say to her. She knows what I am thanking her for.
"No problem" she says and rubs my hand.
I walk confidently away with my backpack like a confident adult. Yes, I am adult, I can handle all sorts of crisis, I am super.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Tea and nothing more.
I forced myself to close my eyes "sleep will come". I could hear my heart beating, and the clouds in my head getting darker, heavier....
A few hours before I had been talking with my friends. A friend of mine is getting divorced. Her sorrow is heavy. You can see it underneath her eyes, around her eyes, in her eyes. The man is not making things easy for anybody. He intends for all to suffer because of his ego so they all do.
The other woman sitting with us who hardly says anything personal, suddenly speaks "You know, once I was crying in the bedroom and my husband was ordering champaigne on the phone".
I began to laugh hysterically. The women joined in. The man next to us, who I am sure had been listening to our conversation all along, looked like he disapproved of such laughter in such a conversation.
I wished I was brave enough to look him straight in the eye and mouth "bite me".
"I don't remember anything anymore" I said. " Maybe I don't like thinking about bad times"
"I just don't want my children to suffer" she said, wearing her sun glasses and looking away.
"Life is how it is. You can't always protect them from everything, this is life. Sometimes we have to go through stuff we don't want to. We do things that we have to, not because we want to. Desperate times calls for desperate measures. They will survive. I promise you" the quiet woman said.
"I am just thinking if this is too big a price to pay. He is going to get everything, everything. After all these years, he will win. He has the money, he has the house, he has the brand new car, he is the one travelling all over the world, he has the career, and what do I get? Nothing. He will be the winner" she was crying hard. The people at the other tables looked at us. I reached for her hand across the table.
"You will have your freedom. You will have peace. You will have laughter. You will have joy. You will have yourself. You will have your life again" I said.
I could not sleep. I thought of all the degrading ways in which she had been treated...in front of the kids. No child needs to see those things.
"The price is not too high, not high at all" I thought.
Sleep still did not come. Had I really forgotten about all the bad times? I did not want to look at my diary and remember. Nothing hurts anymore.
Is that why I was once again, putting someone else before myself, before my needs. before my priorities?
Have I forgotten how people are, how human beings are, their selfish egoistic ways, everybody puts their needs before others. Everybody does what is best for them, even if it means that another will suffer. Isn't that the way of the world?
Why did I forget?
I got up from bed. There was no use trying to sleep. It was four already. I made a strong cup of tea.
I don't want to think about, I don't want to talk about it.
I just want to drink my tea and nothing more.
A few hours before I had been talking with my friends. A friend of mine is getting divorced. Her sorrow is heavy. You can see it underneath her eyes, around her eyes, in her eyes. The man is not making things easy for anybody. He intends for all to suffer because of his ego so they all do.
The other woman sitting with us who hardly says anything personal, suddenly speaks "You know, once I was crying in the bedroom and my husband was ordering champaigne on the phone".
I began to laugh hysterically. The women joined in. The man next to us, who I am sure had been listening to our conversation all along, looked like he disapproved of such laughter in such a conversation.
I wished I was brave enough to look him straight in the eye and mouth "bite me".
"I don't remember anything anymore" I said. " Maybe I don't like thinking about bad times"
"I just don't want my children to suffer" she said, wearing her sun glasses and looking away.
"Life is how it is. You can't always protect them from everything, this is life. Sometimes we have to go through stuff we don't want to. We do things that we have to, not because we want to. Desperate times calls for desperate measures. They will survive. I promise you" the quiet woman said.
"I am just thinking if this is too big a price to pay. He is going to get everything, everything. After all these years, he will win. He has the money, he has the house, he has the brand new car, he is the one travelling all over the world, he has the career, and what do I get? Nothing. He will be the winner" she was crying hard. The people at the other tables looked at us. I reached for her hand across the table.
"You will have your freedom. You will have peace. You will have laughter. You will have joy. You will have yourself. You will have your life again" I said.
I could not sleep. I thought of all the degrading ways in which she had been treated...in front of the kids. No child needs to see those things.
"The price is not too high, not high at all" I thought.
Sleep still did not come. Had I really forgotten about all the bad times? I did not want to look at my diary and remember. Nothing hurts anymore.
Is that why I was once again, putting someone else before myself, before my needs. before my priorities?
Have I forgotten how people are, how human beings are, their selfish egoistic ways, everybody puts their needs before others. Everybody does what is best for them, even if it means that another will suffer. Isn't that the way of the world?
Why did I forget?
I got up from bed. There was no use trying to sleep. It was four already. I made a strong cup of tea.
I don't want to think about, I don't want to talk about it.
I just want to drink my tea and nothing more.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
On all things waffy...
Soul: Feeling pretty good even though I am a bit fed up with people...as usual. Hard to find the balance between being good and just saying "fuck off". I am always somewhere in the middle. Be kind, be good, be nice, remember who you are, bla bla bla bla FUCKKKKKK OFFFF! Something like that.
Love life: Its so complicated that if it gets more complicated than this, a new word will have to be invented. But then again, I am a pretty complicated individual so sometimes I have to give all that a break. Bla, bla bla, story of my life. NEXT!
Writing: Pretty good actually. Feeling positive, inspired and creative.
Finance: Not too bad. At least I wont say I am "surviving" anymore. I am okay, I guess.
Family: My clan is getting bigger and bigger. All my good friends now have kids or are pregnant so I look forward to being the extraordinary super Aunt. My own family is as supportive as ever of my madness. I would not survive in this world without my brothers and sisters. They make life worth living and give me a lot of joy and laughter in my life.
Exercise: The Lord is my strength.
Career: Still looking for a sugar Daddy.
And that's all folks!
Love life: Its so complicated that if it gets more complicated than this, a new word will have to be invented. But then again, I am a pretty complicated individual so sometimes I have to give all that a break. Bla, bla bla, story of my life. NEXT!
Writing: Pretty good actually. Feeling positive, inspired and creative.
Finance: Not too bad. At least I wont say I am "surviving" anymore. I am okay, I guess.
Family: My clan is getting bigger and bigger. All my good friends now have kids or are pregnant so I look forward to being the extraordinary super Aunt. My own family is as supportive as ever of my madness. I would not survive in this world without my brothers and sisters. They make life worth living and give me a lot of joy and laughter in my life.
Exercise: The Lord is my strength.
Career: Still looking for a sugar Daddy.
And that's all folks!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Awake...
Like a drunk that wakes up cautiously, suspicious of her environment, (who knows what has happened the night before?), I opened one eye...
I took a quick glance at the vicinity surrounding my bed. Good, there was no vodka. Or ashtrays. Or pizza cartons lying around. There was only my laptop and phone. I am not a drunk after all. Only perhaps, slightly mad. I kicked some of the books and papers out of the way.
I drank the cold tea from the night before. Iced tea never felt better.
I pushed a book down my laptop bag. Two tablets, pain killers...and what the hell is this? well, who cares? some sort of drug anyway...
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, time to hit the road. Fuck this shit.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Us.
A simple phone call, a text, a mail,
that was all I asked of you,
as minutes turned into hours
and hours turned into a day,
Your voice was all I longed to hear,
But now that means something else
Anger, stress, sadness, that's your defence
An act of love
Has become the trigger
Fired away with careless abandon
Who cares what it hits?
Underneath the beautiful moments
was always something else
The hanging threat of the truth
That at the end of the day,
There never was any "us".
that was all I asked of you,
as minutes turned into hours
and hours turned into a day,
Your voice was all I longed to hear,
But now that means something else
Anger, stress, sadness, that's your defence
An act of love
Has become the trigger
Fired away with careless abandon
Who cares what it hits?
Underneath the beautiful moments
was always something else
The hanging threat of the truth
That at the end of the day,
There never was any "us".
Sunday, March 17, 2013
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