Monday, March 17, 2014

Footsteps....

Its been a while since I have written here. The days have gone on to be nights and...you know...

I am back on the rat wheel. My days start by 6 every morning and end at 7 when I get home. Life as I have known it until now has been one struggle after another, dissatisfaction, never really where I want to be, always struggling so hard for the next phase, the next thing, never quite getting there...the years roll by.

I have been growing up all this while, lesson after lesson, going through the fire, taking it all in, never cowering away, walking through the mud, the shit.

Have others had it as hard as I have? Did others learn these lessons, pain free? Did everybody else grow up with minimum hurt and pain? Or have I always been the one taking life's knocks so hard?

I wake up knowing that there will be snow outside. My little home is cozy and warm...I kick the empty carton of pizza by my bedside and put on the radio. Its is 5 o'clock. No need to rush. I go back to bed, lie down and put on the TV. Something about a murder. As usual. This one was gruesome. A pregnant woman hacked to death. First, the husband was a suspect, then the neighbour...the neighbour was the husband's lover. Anyway, as I dozed off and on, I never really knew who had hacked the poor woman to death. With an axe!

It is 6 now and I take a shower while brushing my teeth. I don't have any clothes set out for the day but the snow outside dictates that it will be "boots" day.  I lazily put on my cloths and make my bed. I lock my door by 7 and cross the street to wait for the bus.

My sense of well being and purpose in life has come as a surprise to me. One day I am writhing in anxiety and nervousness and the next, I am drinking a glass of wine with my meal, sorting through old stuff and sleeping early.

Surely, all lessons have been learned by now?

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Hope...in a box...

I had been indoors all day. The skies were grey. I made some tea and ate the left over noodles from the night before.

I looked at the time, my package. I got a note that said I had a package at the nearby post, waiting for me...

I dressed up hurriedly and left my apartment munching on a piece of dried meat that I had mistakenly dried up in the oven. It was supposed to be juicy and soft but I had slept off and now, it was more like a beef jerky. On my wait out, I almost fell over the boxes of a newly arrived resident. The taxi was parked right in front of the building, his bags and boxes all over the entrance.

I gave him a loud and cheery HI! as I passed and got a huge smile in return. Just to make him feel less lonely...if he was...I don't know...making someone feel welcome in a new place can be nice, I thought.

The skies were still grey and a curtain of fog hung over the heads of the people on the street. I walked purposefully, like I was on a mission. I thought of what others would think of me, they would think "there goes a woman that knows what she is doing in life", the thought that I was fooling innocent passersby made me smile. 

The guy at the counter was nice. He wasted no time getting my package.

I walked out of the shop with a new spring in my step....my friend had sent me a package...

I got home and opened it...and...

It was hope...hope in a box.

How do you say "thank you" to that?

She knew...







(Sorry, my phone really takes terrible pictures)

Thursday, January 23, 2014

2014, new shit men!

Hello? Anybody still out there?

How are you my dear readers? I hope life is treating you all well.

I am not sure why I have avoided my blog for so long. Perhaps its the feeling that I have nothing new to report. Like a diamond on my finger or a picture of a big baby bump or you know, one of those life changing events.

I am still alive!!!

Yes. Alive and well.

I am not going to recount all the shit from 2013, its already documented here so that would be a waste of time.

2014. All I want to do this year is to get through it HAPPY ....no big goals, no lofty ideas, just simply living from day to day with a smile on my face.

I will try to write as much as I can on my blog.

Love and Peace,
Waffy.


Sunday, December 29, 2013

Time.

For times come and go.

And I am lost.

Drifting between times that are not  yet past but still not in the future

The clock calls me back

Tomorrow is coming

Stay, one more day

Perhaps tomorrow you will be here again.




Thursday, December 19, 2013

Short hair.

I decided at the last minute to go to the gym. I hastily packed my bags and as I put my ear phones on, I felt good, like I was doing something that deserved applause if I had an audience. Half way on the journey, I suddenly remember that I had not taken any underwear with me. The worst thing in life is wearing sweaty underwear or socks after you have had a relaxing time in the sauna and showers. God forbid bad thing. H&M is never too far away and I decide to stop and buy a pair.

I buy the underwear and remember that there was actually a short way to get to the gym from that shopping mall. I could go out through another entrance instead of going back down and through the tunnel.

As I walk towards the door, I see a familiar face, its a lady I used to know from a meditation center. Her mother was a regular at the meditation center as well and she would often come with her to meditate. Last time I saw her she was heavily pregnant but now here she was, looking extremely exhausted but pushing a stroller with a baby in it. At first I don't recognize the woman beside her, but as I hug the lady, I see that the woman beside her is her mother, except now with very short hair and looking very different. It looked like she had aged twenty years. I hug her too and I touch her hair and say,

 "Oh wow, you cut your hair" I said

"Oh...you have not seen this? I have cancer, its just growing out again" she replied

The last time I saw either of them was last winter. I had volunteered to help out with a meditation retreat because they were short of people. I was not a member and neither was I very active in  the center, I was simply one of those people that appeared and disappeared at will. Depending on who you talk to at the center, some would say I have been there for years and some might have never met me. I had worked then with the lady and her mother, helping the participants, cleaning and making sure the retreat was working smoothly. I don't even remember how we said goodbye when the whole thing was over.

All these thoughts flashed through my mind as she said those words.

I must have looked totally shocked because then she said,

"You don't need to look so devastated" she said with a bit of irritation or anger in her voice, I wasn't sure which but I understood that she did not want me to offer any kind of "oh I am so sorry"

Her daughter saves the day by saying "we should have coffee sometime"

"Yes of course" I say

"Not next week because we are going to the country side but after that" the mother says, again, I sense anger or something...something that was never there before last winter.

I hugged them both and attempted to behave normally which was what she wanted, I guess. I did not say "I am so sorry" but I tried to say it with my hug and I hope she understood.

When I got to the gym, it was packed filled with people.


The music started and jumping up and down, I imagined her looking in and seeing me doing these ridiculous steps.

Yeah, I did my steps, I jumped up and down and I even sang along to "la la love"

Life.









Tuesday, December 17, 2013

I will see again.





I don't know why we are both giggling. There is nothing to giggle about. This is a serious situation. This might be the end of a journey of almost two years. But that is just one of those moments when all of a sudden, you are connecting with another human being.

"Walk around here now, can you see?" she asked

"I can, I can" I reply

"Now, look at him, can you see him?"

"Yes, I can, I can see everything"

and now we are giggling again. There is some kind of laughter coming on, and we both recognise that its going to be one of those hysterical laughters that can't be stopped.

"So is this the one then? Have we found it?" I ask, still in a state of giggles

"I think we have" she replied.

 Everything else we do after that is done with smiles and giggles.

"You are going to have a new grip on life from next year" she says

"I know" I reply, laughing

"Next year, a new grip" she says

We dont know how to say goodbye. Are we going to hug?

I look at her and say "I know I am laughing but seriously, thank you"

I put my hand on her arm and she holds it there for a moment.

And then we both start laughing again.

"Merry Christmas" I say and I walk out of the clinic before I start laughing again.

From next year, I will see again.




Thursday, December 12, 2013

My mind is wide open.

I see you everywhere I go
You are standing
You are smiling at me
You are walking towards me
I am waiting patiently for you
But you are not here
I am only creating imaginary pictures in my head
The truth is I miss you so much
Someone loves you
I am always thinking about you.