Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The end of an era.

I remember telling this to a friend of mine the other day, my friend laughed at me and said, "awwwwwww, come on, just because I am moving to another country does not mean things will change, oh, waffarian, the things you say!". I knew it was the end of an era for us,but he did not know. Yesterday, my friend and I hade a good-bye dinner for him, he is moving to London where he got a fabulous job. It used to be just two of them and then I arrived, and we were three. We are all so different from each other and yet, so the same. We are all foriegners, we've all gone through the same "rootless" syndrome, we've gone through bad times, good times and great times! Yeah, we've seen each other become adults in such a short time. It all happened so fast, one minute we were drunk senseless talking about men and sex and the next we were talking about babies and families. Yeah......time went by and we were so busy, we did not even notice. So yesterday,we ate and drank and I got the keys to his apartment which he is renting out. He's all packed and ready for a whole new life in London. I thought of all the good times we had shared in this beautiful city, all the restaurants we discovered, our popular coffee spots, the chinese and thai restaurants, the thanks-giving dinners, the days of drunken nonsense, it was there......but somehow not there. I was happy for him but i also remembered my parents photo albums, pictures of friends......

"mummy, who is this?"
"Oh thats June, we used to be really close friends at the university, i remember once, we were so drunk, we dyed my hair red.....I wonder where she is now......last I heard, she moved to Kenya....."

Yeah, that's how I felt yesterday, I looked around me and I wondered if I will be saying that in a couple of years when our lives would undoubtedly take different directions........I already miss him.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Wellu Wellu

I couldn't resist.....heheheheh, sound is bad but video makes up for it!

Waffarian's weekend.

Okay, my people, make i tell una wetin I do for weekeend. I carry myself go the "country" or as my waffy sister dey call am "oyibo village". Anyway, I decided to participate in some winter activities this one wey be say the snow no wan end for my area. Na so oh! I dress myself well well, I enter my new snow scooter (okay.....no be my own, na oga aproko buy am,ehnnnnn, no be new one, na second hand, but the whole thing na my idea sha), anyway, na so i begin dey ride up and down for the ice(those of una wey no understand, wey temperature drop below 0, the surfaces of the sea, lakes etc freezes and if more snow falls, that melts and in its turn freezes and so on and so forth, anyway, one can go for all sorts of winter sports like ice skating, skiing, etc), infact, i even dey go the other side of the ice wey nobody dey self. Waffarian just dey enjoy herself.Na so oh, I come see two men come with one kind "drilling" machine, I carry my aproko self go ask wharrishappening, dem say dem dey measure the ice to check if it is safe for them to drive their scooters. I come begin laugh, I say okay, I ride commot. After a while, one of the guys came back with his snow scooter, drove for about 10 meters and went back on land. I come go there again, wetin dey happen? Bobo talk say im no trust the ice, e no sure say e go fit hold the weight of the scooter. I say WHAT? but me, i don go back and forth now, nothing don happen, dem say dem advise me to comot for the ice. Anyway, fear catch me, i come ask oga aproko why im no tell me say the ice no dey safe? im say the ice na "borderline". Ehhn? wetin dat one mean? oga say ehn now, say no be perfect condition, but make i no worry, make i dey drive. HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS ,dem no tell me twice before i go for land, anyway, i carry the machine go forest, chei! the thing hard oh! after i don nearly jam all the trees, i park the thing. E no sweet me anymore. I come decide to call my bros for Warri, the bobo vex me, e begin dey laugh me, say, i no know say certain sports na for oyibo people? anyway, na my weekend be dat. Next weekend, i dey go again, na me and those trees!

Friday, February 23, 2007

Lost in snow

Sometimes when I am on a bus, or train, suddenly, I feel.......lost. I look out of the window, aand I see houses, beautiful quaint houses with chimneys and I imagine the perfect family inside. Mum, Dad, two blond kids, a plate of ginger cookies, milk, dog lying by the fire, post-card experience. I imagine this and suddenly I see the opposite, I see Warri, Enerhen junction, the market at Effurhun, and I think to myself........what the hell am I doing here? I think about this for a second, and I panic. I wonder if I have made the right decision, leaving Nigeria, the country which for some darn reason won't leave me. Yesterday, as I was coming home from the gym, it started to snow a lot! I was happy, I was singing and skipping in the snow when suddenly......I saw Warri! I laughed hysterically because at that moment, if only for a second, I was totally and completely lost.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Due to popular demand........

Due to popular demand(okay......ehn....just one person), I have decided to update you all on what has been happening in my life.Its not as if I did not want to, but ehhhhhhlaziness is a disease. Anyway, this week started quite okay, things were moving rather uneventfully when one day I noticed a stack of books hidden away....on the bottom shelf of my bookshelf(or whatever it is called). Ehhhhhhhhhhhn, what the hell? didn't I return these? Last date for returning them was 22nd of december!!!!Okay, no need to panic, I'll just take them there and return them. So off I went to the library, got there, went to the computer stuff and tried to return them, well, all the stupid computer said was "item not found", shit! I'll have to talk to the staff! shit! I hate talking to them, i'd rather just do everything by computer........well, anyway, I stand in line for my turn and this is what happened

Waffarian: Ehhn, I tried to return these but ....it says "item not found"
Unsympathetic woman:Okay........let me see......(she does some stuff on the comp)..well, these books are labelled as "lost".
Waffarian: Ehnnnnn, they are not, they are just late
Unsympathetic woman: Well, they must be really late
Waffarian:I want to return them, could you do that here?
Unsympathetic woman: Yes, I'll do that but......its going to cost a lot cos they are late, and thats quite a lot of books you have there!
Waffarian:Yeah.......right......so how much is it?
Unsympathetic woman: That will be(I converted the sum to pounds)400pounds.
I start to laugh hysterically hahahahahhahahahhahahahahahah
Waffarian: Sorry, what did you say?
Unsympathetic woman:400pounds
Unsympathetic woman:what do you mean why?
Waffarian: well,that just seems to be absurd.......is that the fine cos they are late?
Unsympathetic woman: Well, as I said, they are "lost", so its the amount all the books cost altogether
Waffarian: Yeah.........the thing is they are not lost, I just RETURNED them, so forget about how much they all cost "if they were lost", tell me the fine for being late.
Unsympathetic woman: .......well, that should be 100 pounds.....
Waffarian: For what?
Unsympathetic woman: Well, administrative cost for sending the bill and so on
Waffarian: Ehhhhhn, is there anything you can do or should I be talking to somebody else?
Well, I got to see the head of bla and bla , i told her this fantastic story about me being in "Africa" and how my friend who was suppossed to be trustworthy fucked up with the books and how I will never be able to pay that amount in my entire life. She was so kind and sweet, needless to say, I am not going to pay a penny for my stupidity!

Laleh Live tomorrow

I listen to this song all the time and I want to share it with everybody, especially those of you going through hard times!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Evi Edna Ogholi - Oghene Me

For my waffy people, I know say na una go enjoy this music well well!

Morning madness

Please.....whatever you do, don't put the light on......please(footsteps are coming nearer and nearer) Oh God, don't let him do it......I swear I am going to die.....I am going to fucking kill him.....
GOOD MORNING Waffarian!!!!!!!
Oh God noooooo, he is happy........I hate people that are happy in the morning, what is wrong with him......it's morning! I am going to die!

Good morning lover( I am really going to kill him.......wait.....what is he doing? is he dancing? why the hell is he dancing? Its morning! I am really going to die)

Do you want me to drop you?
No darling, its okay, I don't have to leave untill 10 today.(please........just go....)

Okay, wait........thats the front door......finally......he is gone. I should set my alarm for 9.....I need to print that stuff........that will take some time....I have to be there by 1.....I have never been there before........it might take some time to find, I should probably leave by 10:30 latest.....I'll just close my eyes for a minute......wonder why that one was so happy.......just a minute

Fuck! Fuck!! I am so dead! Its 10:30, I shouldn't be here, I should have left, Fuck! I forgot to set the alarm, okay, calm down, waffarian, calm down, one step at a time, if you are really fast, you can take the bus by 11:20 and get there right on time or a little bit late.....or should I just skip it? No! Are you crazy? I know you can make it, start printing and while you are printing, you take a fast shower.......you can do it! Common! remember boarding school! fast! super fast! lets go bitch!

Okay, its 11:10, I really need to be out of here, the printer, the lights, the tv, everything is okay, I need to get out......FUCK! where is my bag? Ohhhhhhhhh I am going to die, I can't deal with this shit, where is my bag? Calm down......It should be here, somewhere........I swear that asshole has put it somewhere! why would he hide my bag? should I call him? he is in a meeting, who fucking cares? I need my bag! Fuck! I swear I am going to kill him, this has really gone too far......hiding my bag.....Oh!there it is........okay......I need to get out...one minute left.....fuck! I think it just went by, I heard something........the bus! fuck fuck fuck!

Stupid bus! it is always late, but today, it comes on time! just my fucking luck! Okay, its official, I am late. Can't do anything more......might as well calm down.....but why was my bag behind the chair? If not for the bag, I would have made it, I am sure he put it there...I should call him and scream at him...ah, later, when he comes home, well, maybe the next bus will come earlier...I might be lucky.....

Okay, so first of all, this stupid bus comes late and now I have to stare at these two kids all the way? I hate fucking prams! and this one is a double one! with two kids in it! its an old model.....looks like a fucking wheel barrow!Fuck! the big kid is bullying the smaller one! I hope she doesn't start crying! why the fuck is the big one doing that? stop it! sadist! fucking bully!wait...is the small one going to cry?......please don't cry, I beg you......I swear i'll die........maybe I should tell the father? okay........wait.....the big one has stopped......good....I'll make it.

Somebody's phone is ringing!Fuck! I'll look, fuck, its a Somalian! Please don't speak your language, please........anything but that.....if I'm lucky she might be Ethiopian.....amharic is okay.....I could deal with that....wait...okay, she is not that loud, okay, I might make it after all.......

Shit! Where the fuck is this building? I am just 10 mins late, not too bad......If only I could find this building, 10 mins is not that bad.......

Fuck! now I am 30 minutes late! I can't find the place.....I feel like crying......should I cry? What should I do? This is sick! Its not normal! Wait! theres a map.......I might make it.....30 mins is not bad.......

Hello Waffarian, glad you could join us
Yes, you know, traffic problems, the snow.
Yes ofcourse.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Waffarian's winter survival manual.

Okay, my people, I don tire to see all of una for bus stop dey chatter una teeth anyhow, stamp feet like say na only una cold dey catch!So, i wan help una. E be like say una never understand this whole winter weather. cough........make I clear throat.
1. When una wake up for morning, first thing, rub ya body well well with all those "pomade" wey una dey accumulate over all the years.....eh.....you hear me, I know say una know wetin I dey talk about.

2. Wear thick stockings and vests, for the men, dem get special ones for una, no fear to ask! If ya money no reach for those better woolen stockings, no fear, them get "tights" for h/m, them dey okay too. If you no wan invest in tights, oya bring out dat old leggings wey dey ya wardrobe! ehhhhhhn, dat one, the one wey u dey nak to do ya cleaning.

3.Na dis part dey important well well. My people, no be because jacket be like astronaut space suit mean say dem dey warm! make una try for dat area, because sometimes, i dey fear say una go float for air!(JJCs, this rule no apply to una, i know say ever since una watch "coming to America", una wan try those kain jackets!)

4.Baby girls, no be everybody suppose nak boots with heels for winter!if you know say na public transport you dey use, abeg invest in some real winter boots. And how i fit talk this one? abeg, leave ya trainers at home, na im make una dey fall anyhow!

5.Buy sacrves, gloves, hats, dem dey necessary i don tire to see una for bus stop dey cover ya ears with hand.

6.Before you comot for ya house, check the internet for what times your trains/buses go. If you no get internet for house, go internet cafe, download the timetables for those trains/buses you commute with. Cellotape am for ya door. I don tire to see una dey cry for bus stop! time yaself well well so that you come 5 mins before.

7. Carry "thermos" with you wit ya favourite hot drink!. Me personally na coffee dey my own, because once winter reach, na so i dey sleep anyhow like mumu, but no fear to put hot bournvita or milo. For una wey dey wonder wetin thermos be, e be like flask, abeg, no be dat big one wey some people dey put for their breakfast settings oh! Those days, if you go village dem go get one big flask for table, special if you be guest, for morning, dem go put two slices of white bread(no butter, nothing nothing) for saucer, one tin of peak milk plus that big flask for tray! heheheheheheheh!the only other alternative na to eat hot yam and pepper stew. Till today, i no know wetin dey dat flask cos na yam i dey wack!

8. Okay this rule na better: If you get ipod or whatever, make sure say u no leave ya house without am, na im go make you no concentrate for the cold!

9. Abeg, make una dey moisturize una lips, especially the guys, una lips too dey break anyhow!and I know say una get vaseline for house!

10. This one na the last but most important!: No be because e dey cold outside una go dey heat una house anyhow! ah ah! some people, u go their house na so u go dey sweat anyhow! abeg, na im make una day freeze anyhow wey una comot house!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

mmiri maara m

For all you lovers on valentine's day! love is sweet oh!

I go yarn - eLDee

My people, don't forget us in the NigerDelta oh!

Monday, February 12, 2007

Latest trend in African Community

Mmmmmmmmmm, My dear Nigerians, wetin my eye don see for this my "so and so" country na way oh! Na so, because of aproko gist,(make una thank me wellu wellu I just dey waka anyhow so as to bring better gist for una, anyway, I saved this gist cos there have been new developments)I carry my self go Sengalese party! I have to admit, the food was really good, just one weird thing, they eat cooked okra with their rice. I had some kind of brown rice(it was really good, i don't think its made of tomatoes like our own jollof rice, I am suspecting oil and buliong)with fried chicken and the okra by the side. Instead of moi-moi, okra. Anyway, as I dey look around, everybody just dey wack anyhow, na so me too, i join. I started trying to make conversation with two couples next to me, and found out that the guys could only speak french as they were both new in the country. Na so me too I clear throat begin dey speak my french. Hahahahahah! Una dey laugh? Una think say just because I be waffy I no fit nak french? heheheheh! Well, brothers and sisters, you will be surprised to know how many languages I speak ........coughs........ back to the subject at hand. I soon found out both men had recently arrived, and on doing so had also managed to get their wives pregnant almost immediately. Well, trust una sista, I begin dey ask one question after another. When the two husbands finally moved on, the wives laughed and explained to me that since there was scarcity of senegalese muslim men in "so and so country",they had gone back home to bring husbands. Na so three of us begin laugh!the irony being before it used to be men that went home to bring their "virgin brides", meanwhile these were women, actually going back home and practically doing "choose and pick"! My friends, the thing amuse me no be small! I asked them why? and they explained to me that women with "papers" were like queens at home and that they each chose the guy that they wanted! This said with lots of "hand-clapping" and "hailing". Well, there was another young babe there, about 25 and baby girl said she was going home to get a man for herself!, Na so, for my mind, I see all the young village virgins lined up naked, if na me, i go make them do all kinds of physical tests! hehehehehhehe!the image sweet me well well!
Anyway,na so oh, that babe, go their village for dat side!within one month, the babe marry. After all their immigration waka, the bobo just landed "so and so" country! Chei! the bobo fine well well, muscular, dark, fine dimples and i take style spy down there.....oh girls, e be like say im hold oh! Anyway, this one na for all ya single ladies out there, make una no shame, go ya village, collect ya own oh! I don inform una, if una like, make una siddon there!

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Sir Victor Uwaifo - Arabade

Naija oldies!na wah!

Wahala don land. Part 3

Na so oh, my people, I carry myself wait outside station where we suppose meet. 30 minutes pass, she no show, I went to a nearby cafe (after all, i was going to have coffee in the first place, no need to let that hr go to waste!), I sat and read newspapers for a whole hour, even had lunch after that, baby girl no show. I called her cell phone a couple of times, no answer. I then called the strange number that she had been calling from, a very brutish male voice answered with a hint of slavic accent, na so fear catch me, i no even know which language to speak first, bobo say "Martina no here", okay, wetin i suppossed do? shebi i don try? Anyway, na so I come decide say , first of all this whole shady thing no concern me, why I go fear? na naija cos all this thing, person hear police, na so fear go catch am! I never do anything, e hen, if them call, i go say wetin I know, which is nothing. Anyway, to celebrate my new found boldness, I went out with a couple of girlfriends and got totally drunk! and thank God for that, cos later that night, I saw I had missed lots of phone calls, yeah, you guessed right! That fool had been phoning all night long! Thank God for vodka! Me, I no dey answer any calls anymore, the less I know, the better for my sanity!

Friday, February 9, 2007

Wahala don land. Part 2

Infact, the more I think of it, the more I have come to believe say if not for Oga aproko, chei, I no for dey this wahala. As they say, a woman's intuition is definitely on the mark! Anyway, na so 2 days ago, I come home, Oga aproko come begin im campaign for wahala again.

Oga aproko: You have a couple of "missed calls"
Waffarian: Ehhhn ehn.
Oga aproko: check who it is
Waffarian: I will check later! let me eat first now.....ah ah!
Oga aproko: I´ll check............
Waffarian: hissssssssssssssssssssssss, who was it?
Oga aproko: Its your friend Martina! perhaps she is already in the country!
Waffarian: Okay.
Oga aproko: Aren't you going to call back?
Waffarian: I'll call later! what is your own self?
Oga aproko: Nothing! I am just helping you out, cos you always say your friends are upset cos you never return their calls.........
Waffarian: Well, this one is not a friend.
Oga aproko: Thats not a nice thing to say........sometimes.........you are a so strange......honestly you are such a complex person.........why don't you just call her and get it over with? its just coffee!how hard can it be?
Waffarian: Leave me alone.
Anyway, to cut the long story short, wahala called again and this was our conversation
Waffarian: So what time do you want to meet up for coffee?
Martina: What time is okay for you?
Waffarian: Well, I am quite busy after lunch, so it will have to be before............ what about 10?
Martina:.............silence.........I am kind of busy then..............what about around lunch time? 12:30?
Waffarian: Ehnnnnnnnnnn ............Okay, see you then..........
Martina:...............waffarian...........before you drop..........incase I don't see you.........the police might be contacting you
SAY WHAT???????HE?????WHAT THE FUCK? i KNEW IT! ??????????????
Waffarian:(very calm and adult like, if I may say so myself):...........Police? why?
Martina: Well, cos of my relationship with Peter
Waffarian: Peter?
Martina: You know my boyfriend Peter, I left him two yrs ago
Waffarian(AND HOW THE HELL DOES THAT CONCERN ME???BITCH?):.........Okay.........but I still don't understand............why will they want to talk to me?
Martina:............I can't talk about this over the phone..........I'll explain everything when we meet.......
Waffarian: Well, you have to tell me something now.........cos i don't understand.........
Martina: Well, i discovered something very bad about him while we were together...........I can't talk about it...........anyway, I mean the police will just want to know how you thought my relationship with him was............I mean, you were at our place right? you saw him?
Waffarian: Well............I can't imagine what I saw that will be helpful..............I mean, i don't know so much............
Martina: Just tell them what you know
Waffarian: But...........I don't know anything........what happened? what did he do?
Martina: I can't talk about it........well...........i discovered he was "buying girls" you know................
The biggest silence in the whole fucking world

Waffarian: (OGINI? WHICH KAIN YAWA BE THIS?) what??????????????
Martina: I'll tell you all about it when we meet.

Na so, my people, all my life, I never enter yawah before oh, the only thing I've ever done was to ride the trains and buses without ticket, but that was a long time ago, during my bohemian days............now this gal wan involve me for dis kain nonsense! which kain thing be dis ehhhhhhn?

Thursday, February 8, 2007

Wahala don land. Part 1.

This my nice nice don land me inside concrete wahala! Years ago, when I was at "so and so" university, I happened to be friends with one girl, which I believed at that time to be my age mate. Well, we did the usual things that foriegners do in a new country, we drank coffee. That was all. I was invited once for dinner at her place and that was about it. I lost touch with her and I never heard from her again untill last week. Infact, na my bobo cause all this wahala. Na so oh, for a couple of days, my phone kept ringing, an unknown number.........an unknown country......... well, my instincts told me to ignore it, after all, it was not family and I was 100% sure that it was none of my close friends. Na so everytime the phone rang and it was that suspicious number, I ignored it, untill................oga aproko come notice me.
Oga: Isn't that your phone?
Waffarian: Ehhhhhhhhhn?
Oga: Your phone has been ringing........aren't you going to see who it is?
I pick up my phone and put it down.
Oga: Who is it?
Waffarian: I don't know...........its a strange number..........
Oga: So answer it.
At this point, Oga is looking at me suspiciously, I decide to answer it (against my better judgement) before im go think say I dey do mago mago.
Waffarian: waffarian........
wahala: Hello...............waffarian?
Waffarian: Yes?..........
wahala: Its Martina
Waffarian: Who?
wahala: Martina
Waffarian:...............Oh hello Marcia.........how are you?(i have no clue who it is still)
wahala: No, no, it is Martina, you know, we studied in "so and so" university together.
Waffarian:Oh............hello, wow! its been so long! sorry, I could not recognise your voice! it must be 4 yrs, right?
wahala:(laughs), yes, it has really been long, anyway.........(silence)
Waffarian:Ehhhhhhhhn, do you still live here?
wahala: No, i now live in Greece, moved there about two yrs ago
Waffarian: Okay..........
All this time I dey think, what the hell does she want? the whole conversation was just too awkward
wahala: well, i just called to say i will be coming to "so and so country " next week
Waffarian: Okay..............(silence)........ehhhhhhn, do you want to meet up for coffee?
wahala: Yes.
Waffarian:Okay...........well, call me when you get here then..........its been too long.......
wahala:Okay, bye.
So she rings off, and in the pit of my stomach, I just know something is wrong
Oga: Who was it?
Waffarian: Martina
Oga: who?
Waffarian: You know Martina from so and so university.............I wonder how she got my number after all these yrs...............very strange
Oga: How nice! what is she doing now?
Waffarian: I wonder what she wants.........
Oga: why does she have to want anything? she used to be your friend right?
Waffarian: Well, she was the one that cut off contact with me...........I called her a couple of times while we were still in school and she never wanted to meet up...........I wonder what she wants............
Oga: Why are you always suspicious of people?
Na so, I forgot about the whole incident untill two days ago.........when the phone calls started again.

Stereoman (Ekwe) : E dey pain me gaga

For my fellow waffarians, the conflict in Delta state is yet to be resolved. E dey pain me!

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Abeg, no tell me wetin ya pappa be!

See me see trouble oh! Its not as if I have been living under a stone, I know all the Nigerian social rules, I know that in our world it is okay to fling in the professions of family members that have achieved status in society, but I have always thought it went something like this:

Socialite1: Ah do you know my friend? her father is General so and so
Socialite2:Ah really! My uncle Lt so and so is in the Navy actually...............
or scenario 2.
Socialtite 1: Good evening , have you met my friend? her father is in the army, perhaps you've heard of him, he was in the news the other day, General so and so
Socialte 2: Really? maybe he knows my uncle, infact my uncle was in that same news, do you know Lt so and so?

So in my big head, I have always thought it was other people that was meant to sing the praises, well...........my dear people, wetin one of my friends do the other day...........haba! infact, i am still dazed from that conversation oh! Lets call my friend Sophia........ please read this and tell me if it is normal.
Me: ah ah! long time oh! how was your trip to Nigeria?
Sophia: It was so wonderful, infact, it was spendid!
Me: Ehnn ehnnnn, so what did you guys do now?
Sophia: Well........(coughs)....... you know my parents just moved to a very big house. Infact, it is very beautiful, it was really wonderful.
Me: Congrats! how is the family? mumsie, popsie?
Sophia: Very well, you know (coughs), my popsie just bought three cars, infact while we were there, we recieved one straight from the factory(coughs again)
Me: Really! wow! things must be really good in Naija oh! if not that I can't stand the "no light" buisness , i for go dat side, try my luck!
Sophia: Yes oh.........(coughs) infact,my popsie.........................
BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!
Needless to say, that was how the conversation started and ended. Through out the conversation, I had an urgent need to scream: "What about you? You brainless fuck! what have you achieved lately!" Well, I did not do that ofcourse, I just had to follow our Nigerian etiquette, which is: get as much information as possible and pass it on!!!!

Monday, February 5, 2007

To you

I remember the first day I saw you, I asked if you had some tape?
Do you remember? you were quiet and tall, you did not speak much
but your quiet ways made me curious
We were in the same class and soon became friends
I thought we were so different
but still, we became friends
it was not long before i came to rely on you
you always seemed to be there, my quiet, tall friend
One day, I woke up and you were gone, suddenly out of my life
For years, I missed our friendship, your quiet subtle ways
the laughter we shared that never seemed to end
I missed you my friend, I missed you.

Sunday, February 4, 2007

Na Beanz?

Just like this guy....he seems so cool for a Naija artist!

Because of Egusi soup.

Lying awake.
Stomach rumbling
Tossing and turning
Because of egusi soup
God, who asked me?
Who sent me message?
Was it greed? Was it the surplus meat?
Was it because I ate a whole pot all by myself?
Was it because I put extra maggi inside?
All this palaver
Because of egusi soup

Friday, February 2, 2007

Especially for you, madam happy!

Hahahahah! I know you'll be curious enough to come and check it out again! Well, i will write a happy story since you decided that my last post deserved "a word" with you! HAPPY, HAPPY! I am overjoyed, ecstatic! anyway, funny story: went to the only African shop we have around here, to buy poundo, the shop is run by ghanians.........quick question: do Ghanians hate Nigerians? or do they just lack respect for us? anyway, went in there, asked about poundo, was informed that only "Nigerians" eat poundo, Ghanians eat "fufu", like fufu is better than poundo! Whatever, those people were damn right rude! and by the way, this is not the first time, I've noticed that everytime I come into the shop, somebody always has to say a stupid comment like: "you are Nigerian right! I knew it!"(at the same time with a strange expression on). Hissssssssssssssssssssss, whatever!The shop is always full with people, I can never figure out what they are doing there, hiding from immigration officers I guess, hahahahhaha and there always seem to be some kind of activity going on in the back room! The next time I go there and anybody makes any of their funny "Nigerian jokes", na both of us go enter one sokoto! nonsense and ingredience! hisssssssssssssssssssssss.

Pretending to be an adult

I have decided that today will be a new day, a day full of promise. I can make it through, I am an adult, how do other adults survive? I mean those that are not on antidepressants or whatever? how do they wake up everyday, put their cloths on and go to work? how do they do that?Well, i have been trying to grow up.........nothing is happening! For years I've been pretending to be an adult! Really, I've got them all fooled, even my dearest partner, he thinks I am responsible!hahahahahahha! I just pretend! I pretend to know about economics, I pretend to read newspapers, I pretend I know about the price of housing, I pretend I understand what exactly the parliament does..........but deepdown, I am just playing my part, I guess the world is really a stage! Well, dear friends, I will be off! Have to go and do my part...........I've done it so many times...........I am almost Perfect...........almost.

Thursday, February 1, 2007


For those of you that don't know what aproko means, it is "amebo" "tatafo" or "bizzy-body", we all have that one friend, that friend that is constantly in our buisness, that one girlfriend that seems to know everything, offers their advice about everything and everybody. Yes! You know them, they call us only when they have the "latest gist" or "gossip", they seem to thrive on your misfortunes, always there to lend a helping hand on your way down. Forget about being positive, they will help you see the "misery" of the situation in its full glory and tell you where you went wrong! You see, my dear human beings, I have this one friend that turns up now and then, lets say three times a year. At these times, our friendship is intense, she calls me at all times of the day to gossip and rant about somebody who has either left their boyfriend or husband, is about to, forget about other life situations, that does not matter, what? job?, career? school? that does not matter, she doesn't care about those areas! the one area that is interesting is the "love life"! Yes, my dear people, Nigerian movies have taught us that a husband is the answer to all our problems, a husband! Ah, you think i am lying? Watch those movies again, how many times have husbands left wives or fiancees, tempted by the devil? and what does the poor woman do? get a job? No! be independent? hell no! Well, my dear people, she goes to church ofcourse! and somehow, by the end of the movie, through prayers and "perseverance", the husband comes back to her! hahaha! and what happens to the other woman? she is driven out with nothing! hahaha oh, i forgot, "To God be the glory!" So, i doubt if my friend has learnt this disgusting behaviour from the movies, but one thing is for sure, she is obsessed with peoples' relationships! At this very moment, as another friend's life is unravelling, amebo is there, right beside her, caring, listening, encouraging! hahahahah, i guess for the next two weeks, i'll have to pretend to be away, some faroff destination where there is no internet or phone connections!