Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Think less but see it grow...

Used to it.

Being with myself.

I read, listen to music. Write.

Now, I don't even remember when I fall asleep anymore.

All of a sudden, its night, then morning, then night.

I drink coffee. Go for walks. Watch movies. Make dinner.

Go for a drink.

Eat breakfast. Read newspapers.

Listening to...

Monday, March 28, 2011

Seriously need to fix something...

That has been bothering me for such a long time. Its been over a month now and I am still messing around. It needs to be done. I hate that I am like this, dragging things till the last minute. Its always has consequences...

Putting this song in my head and gonna give it a good try today...

Friday, March 25, 2011

In this kind of mood..

Was at the African shop today buying stuff for friends.

Thought a bit about my childhood and how different kinds of music symbolises different eras.

Like when Delta state was still part of Bendel state and we watched N.T.A (Nigerian Television Authority) Benin and during the breaks, (there were lots of "Please stay tuned" moments) they used to play either edo music (I can't find the music on you tube but it went "oba wedo wedo",) or Eek a mouse. I am not kidding. And this particular one.

You all get Victor Uwaifo instead, since its also edo music.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


I am going to be a Godmother on sunday. My Godson's name is Billy.

I am looking forward to fixing stuff for all just wait and see...anything he wants, Godmother gets. When Godmother is rich, ofcourse.

Spring condition...

Just got back from first jogging of the year.

I thought my condition may be bad...but I did not expect it to be this bad.

Its terrible. Horrible. I think my heart must have been in shock. I could not breathe...

I managed twenty minutes at least. I plan to jog everyday from now on...except the weather gets bad again...otherwise, thats the plan.

I almost did not go when I could not find my sports bra. I can't jog without my sports bra. But I found it anyway.

Spring is in the air, I guess. Otherwise, I would not have this new found optimism.

I want... start jogging again.

I havent jogged for a very long time now. I think the last time was sometime in september or october. Just before winter anyway. But remember, I had a tough winter, I was ill most of the time.

However, the sun is out and everywhere I go, people are running. And I am jealous.

It will be very tough. My bones will creak. My heart might stop. It will be a nightmare the first week.

But I really feel that I need to start it. I walk a lot, so my muscles won't protest so much, but still, I dont think my condition is that good.

I am quite good with healthy eating so that will be okay.

Anyway, thats the new mission. See if I can take that first jog...

My favourite jogging music by the way...I can listen to this over and over again...

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Still mellow...

I do not jump...

I am the only one alone there. I know it and everybody else knows it. Everybody has arrived in groups or in pairs.

But I do not mind, and the guys at the restaurant are used to me. At first, they had looked curiously at me. Everytime I arrived alone. I always did the same thing. I ordered the same food, sat at the same table and read a book. Sometimes I did not eat, I just drank something. They now smile at me when I come in. I don't really care what they think of the fact that they never see me with anyone. It does not bother me. Their thoughts, their assumptions.

Today, they have a reggae band playing. I order the usual and sit alone in my usual corner. I am enjoying the music. The band is playing and I am having a good time. A young couple ask if they can sit at my table. I wave them on. Of course. Somehow, me in my corner, and the couple in theirs feels comfortable. We smile at each other from time to time. They watch my bag when I go to pee or buy a drink. The band plays on.

Two guys come in. The two guys are also having a good time, and then one of them leaves. Immediately, the other looks uncomfortable. His eyes start roving and I am praying, hoping they will not end on my table, but they do...

He begins to circle me. I decide to go to the dance floor instead, mingle among people, see if I can throw him off, perhaps he would think I am with a group of people or something. I find a good spot right behind a group of spanish people dancing. I begin to dance. They smile at me. I am hoping it will work.

After a couple of minutes, I notice the guy is right behind me.

Shit! this is worse. I leave the dance floor and go back to my table. He follows me there. The young woman there catches my eye. I get a look of sympathy from her.

"Do you like to jump?" he asks, smiling.

I get a whiff of bad breath...say it isnt so...


"You like rastafari? you like to jump?"

I assume he means "dancing" or I smile back and say...

"Yeah, its okay"

He asks me where I am from, I tell him. Then I tell him he is from Ethiopia. He looks surprised.

"How did you know?"

I point to the scarf around his neck, with the ethiopian flag...

He says his name is "Zariah" or something that sounds like that. We shake hands. The young woman is looking curiously now. Then he says he is going to the toilet. I wonder if this will be a good time to bail, before he comes back. But why should I allow him spoil my evening? I was having such a good time before he showed up. So I go back to the dance floor, I close my eyes and begin to move to the music...

all of a sudden, I hear my name...

"Jump, waffy, jump"

What the fuck is this with this "jump" thing anyway? and why the hell is he not jumping then? I smile at him and continue my slow movements. When I see he is staring at the band a bit longer than usual, I go back to my seat. He realizes after a few seconds that I am no longer there and comes to sit beside me.

"You don't like to jump?"

"I am cool how I am" I say.

"Don't you want to dance anymore?" he asks

"I am cool"

"Do you have rastafari in Nigeria?"




All of s sudden, a couple at the end of the dance floor break into some kind of "swing dance". I begin to cheer them on...they are very entertaining. He is throwing her up and down, etc...

"They don't know what they are doing, that's not for reggae" he says

"Who cares? its fun" I say

"But that is not the "real" reggae" he says

What exactly is wrong with this imbecile? I think. Of course, its not for reggae.

I keep looking at the couple...

"They don't know real rastafari"

Is he really going to go on about this? Everybody else was clapping and cheering them on and this guy was shaking his head from side to side...

"Don't you want to jump?"

Is he fucking back to this jumping thing again?

This time I ignore him and just keep clapping.

The band stops playing. I begin to gather my things.

"Are you going? he asks

"Yeah. I have had enough. But you go and dance, enjoy yourself" I say.

I walk out of the restaurant and all of a sudden I see him beside me.

"Good night" I say as firmly as I can and begin to walk fast without looking back.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Doing it well...

This sudden change of weather stuff is killing me. One minute its sunny, then its snowing and then I have a cold. I am a sensitive person. Sudden changes affect me. I need things to happen gradually.

Cyprus guy is gone, I think. He hasnt called or sent any texts and I refuse to. He was not that exciting anyway. He does not read. I have decided that I only want to date people who read. Its my new thing. We'll see how it goes...

"Coach woman" was in India and told me she came back with a lot of "insight". I can't wait. It will definitely be excruciating the next time we meet. She is going to talk s...l...o...w...l...y about lots of spiritual stuff. Just guessing...

Doing laundry. For some reason I got it in my head that I had only one hour to wash my clothes but actually, its one and half. I put my bedsheets on some long program which would have taken 75 minutes which would be okay. But what happened? I come in when its still 40 minutes left and I get into a panic that my time was running out, so I changed the program to some fast program which took only 20 minutes. I only realized that I still had lots of time left when I got home. But I have learned to accept such mistakes. At least they are washed. Which is better than seeing my clothes pile getting higher and higher everyday and saying to myself "this week, I will surely book a time".

Now, I will take a nap. For some reason, I remembered this song today.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


I missed you...

But don't worry, this is all my "psychological bullshit".

It means nothing.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Streets, no destination, smash, etc.

I had a strong urge to pick my laptop up and smash it against my wall. I wanted to see it shatter, fall to pieces all around me. I call this the "smash your laptop demon". Once, a friend of mine told me how sometimes he has a need to just delete his facebook account. He would wake up so irritated that all he could think about was just not wanting to be on facebook. He used to say it was some kind of demon that would be awakened in him. In my case, its my laptop. On some days, I just hate seeing it. Everything would be so disgusting that I would just want to smash something...and the only thing that ever catches my eye is my laptop. I would begin to fantasize about seeing the pieces all around me. How would they look? would I need to use a lot of energy or would just flinging it across the room do the trick? The funny part of this, is that my laptop is my life. I would probably die if one day, I woke up and it refused to start. I use it all the time, I have so much in it. So many unfinished manuscripts...plays, novels, novellas, short stories, diaries, poems, all sorts. I would definitely be seriously devastated if anything happened to my laptop. So why do I have this terrible need to destroy it?

On such days, I just leave the building as fast as I can and walk and walk and walk...

Until the knot in my heart loosens and I begin to breathe again.

Most of the time, I never have any destination. Like today. First, I thought I would walk to the nearby library and read a book or something. When I got there, I realised the knot still hadnt loosened so I decided to take the metro to another library. When I got there, I realised I had forgotten my password for the computers there and according to the woman at the desk, "the IT guy" was not around. All of a sudden, I did not feel like being there anymore, so I decided to walk some more. I walked and walked and ended up lost. The only thing to do was return from whence I came. This irritated me some more. Why don't I have any sense of geography? Its a disadvantage in life. I can't read maps properly, I have no sense of direction. I finally found my way back to the library and then took the road I knew back to the metro. I thought I was going home but half way, I decided that I wanted to buy a new note book for writing. I got it into my head that I would start writing by hand again, maybe then I would not want to smash my laptop. I went into the book shop I normally buy books from but everything they had was terribly ugly. So I jumped back on the metro and went a couple of stops until I found another bookshop. I found a blue nice book. I decided I wanted to start writing in it immedeately so I went to another library nearby. When I got there, I could not write. I had no pen. So I sat down and read a book instead.

By the time I left that library, I had been gone six hours...

At least, my laptop survived and I am happy to see it once again.

Lets hope the "smash your laptop demon" does not rear its ugly head once again...

Count Your Blessings

Many terrible things happening around the world...imagine if I was in Libya or Japan...but I am here, safe and free, writing on my blog...

For that, I am grateful. Many things are seriously fucked up could be worse.

I am good.

Monday, March 14, 2011


Woke up with a migraine.

I need drugs and food.

Will be back when its gone.

Sunday, March 13, 2011


I am so grateful for music, men...its great to have music in life. Life would be so dry otherwise...damn.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Lovely day

You can not imagine the anxiety I had this morning when I woke up. The thought of meeting the "coach" woman was really getting on my nerves. As I have explained before, she is not easy to work with. First of all, the last time I saw her, she was so fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. We had a visitor at the seminar, and when this woman was introduced, everybody was just normal and was like "hi" or whatever. Anyway, what do you think madam coach does? She just starts smiling at this visitor and then says very slowly:


And then, she smiles and nods at this woman for like 5 minutes! I wanted to scream "Come on!"...

I can not describe the degree of fakeness. And anytime she speaks, she speaks and smiles, so "ethereal" but not in the good way, like Meryl Streep, but in that fake assed way (and I know its not real cos I have seen the cat claws come out with the other lady )

Anyway, so I wake up this morning with this anxiety of meeting her. I almost did not go, I am serious men. It was that bad. Just thinking about having discussions with her was giving me high blood pressure...

But...she did not show. Maybe she is sick or something. All I know is that my heart stopped hurting and I began to breathe the moment it became clear that she was absent.

Basically, I had a good day.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Turn My Swag On

18:00pm, 1995, somewhere in Nigeria
I pull up my mini skirt. I put on all my bangles. My friend is still doing her hair. My hair is the usual. Sleek, long, black. I don't have any makeup on but I don't need any, I got my swag on.

11:00pm, 2002, somewhere in central Europe
I put on my high heels. My jeans is the usual, black. My make up done by an artist who likes to experiment. I can hardly recognise myself. My top is figure hugging, the usual. My friend is still doing her hair. I look in the mirror and take a shot of vodka. I got my swag on.

16:00pm, 2011 somewhere in northern Europe

I pull up my boots. I have just my leggings on. I wear a pullover, then another. I put on my jacket. The collar is upturned. I don't comb my hair, I don't have any makeup. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I leave the lift. "Whats up?" I ask myself. Damn, I have got a swag on...

Saturday, March 5, 2011

We'll see...

I have only one answer for men these days and that's "we'll see..."

"Oh waffy, we'll do this and that"
"We'll see..."

"Oh waffy, we'll go here and there"
"We'll see..."

"Oh waffy, you know, I am this kind of man that bla bla bla bla (by the way, why do men like to always tell you the "kind of men" they are? Its boring. They usually all say the same thing anyway)
"We'll see..."

"Oh waffy, I know you will like this and that"
"We'll see..."

For everything they say, "we'll see" won't we?

So the Cypriot said "next week when I get back, we'll do lots of fun stuff, go out, maybe to the movies, have dinner somewhere"

and I said: "We'll see"

and he said "Why do you say that? don't you want to?"

and I said "Well, nobody knows tomorrow, you could just drop dead"

I mean, come on, if we are gonna do those things then we just do them...all this "we'll do this and that", its quite irritating. You know how many things I am supposed to be doing right now with all kinds of men? Hell, I should be in Cape Verde by now, drinking barcadi and cola...

Friday, March 4, 2011

Yes, I know, I am stuck on MIKA again...

Oh I've been watching
How you behave
Not much like a lover
More like a slave

Great lyrics...

Thursday, March 3, 2011

All these things...

Thinking of all the things I need to do that are not yet done. I promised myself I won't enter the month of March this way, things lingering on my mind then growing bigger and bigger cos I never do anything about them...

But its a new month and I NEED to just do it.

Just stop thinking too much (which is hard to do because my favourite thing to do on planet earth is "think") and you know...just do it.

Lord have mercy.

Update: Managed to remove two big ones on my mind. Now to remove the other three...

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Does it ever end?

"What would you work on, waffy, when you are done with this?" she asked.

"Emmmmmmmm, maybe I could work on you know, the one I showed you last time, or...oh, oh, I know, I could do the other projects I have done only half way...or I could just..."

"You have to choose one now, so you know what you will do after this"

"Oh...okay...I choose the one I showed you last time"

"Okay, cos it will be good if you know what you want to do after this"

You see, I did not take her seriously. After you give out everything you think you have, surely, you would not want to begin immediately something else?

But its been three days now and I am already getting bored. I thought I would not want to do anything ever again. But now, I am feeling restless and irritated with myself. I really, should have taken her seriously. I should have given it a lot of thought cos now, here I am, with all sorts and I really don't know what I want to ideas are bossing me around again...uschhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

One of those irritating memories...

I was going to get the keys to my new apartment and I was grining from ear to ear. You said you knew where the office was and offered to go with me there. I did not mind, I was in a good mood. When we got to the office, you found a spot in a corner and stood there.

Just as I finished talking with the lady behind the computer, I noticed three other people waving at me. I knew them, they were friends of friends. I was excited about my keys and I must have infected them with my enthusiasm because soon enough, we were all in very high spirits. But you just stood, in the corner.

I beckoned at you with my eyes, but you did not come. Then I waved you over but still, you were standing there. Finally, we all just walked over to you and they introduced themselves.

We left them there and as we opened the door to leave the office, one of them blew me a kiss. I blew a kiss right back!

You were quiet on the way back. I asked you what was wrong. You said there was a part of me that I did not show you. The part that was only reserved for my friends. You said I was bubbly and happy with my friends but not with you. You said you did not understand why I could not be that fun when it was just two of us.

I did not want to be in a bad mood so I ignored all that I heard. Instead, I tried to link my hands in yours but you snatched your hand away.

I began to feel a dark cloud coming over my head. The more I looked at you, the angrier I got. The more I looked at you sitting opposite me, the madder I got. You began to irritate me. Your round head, your eye glasses, your k legs, your briefcase, everything about you began to disgust me.

Then you asked again, "why can't you be like that with me?"

And I replied "and you were just standing there..."


Of everything that disgusted me about you at that very moment, the most disgusting was how you just stood there, in that corner. Everybody else was looking over at you, waving and smiling...but you just stood a damn fool.