Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Why should I be the one?

Why should I be the one to help others? huh?

Is there fucking "Maria Theresa" written on my forehead?

Why should I always be the one that has a fucking moral obligation. Huh?

Why? Why should I be the one that reacts when I see something bad? Someone in trouble?

Why should I be the one? After all, how many help me? How many people have helped me when I was in fucking shit?

Nobody. There was nobody.

And what exactly do I get for my troubles? Do I get a "thank you?" No. Do I get flowers? No. A card maybe? Huh? Nothing.

Instead, the person you are trying to help makes you feel like an idiot. Makes you feel like you should never have bothered cos all it does is cause more shit in your life. So why should I be the one?

Why?

If there is anybody out there that has an answer, please tell me cos I feel so fucking demoralized right now. What kind of world is this where you get punished because you want to do the right thing? because you believe in doing the right thing? Because you know that the truth is all we have and removing it will never make anything right again.

Tell me. Please. Because at this very second, if I see another human being in trouble, I am ready to look away, just like everybody else.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Monday, January 23, 2012

Just stuff on my mind...

Once in a while I get a bit worried about stuff. I try not to be but it feels like there is just so much I still need to fix in my life. Okay, I have worked very hard the past three years to tie up all the loose ends but sometimes it feels like its taking forever...

I know after this year, things are pretty much going to be very stable but still, I have to mentally push my self everyday to be strong and sometimes it feels like if I even stop for a moment, I won't be able to keep going so I try not to think too much and just concentrate on all the things I need to do.

Its really hard not having any "buffer" or whatever. Its like there is no room for failure. I don't have any more alternative plans. This is it men, everything needs to work or else I am pretty much screwed.

Do you know how hard it is to have that kind of pressure on the mind?

But what to do, I just have to keep going. I stop to even think a bit and it will all fall apart.

Life.

Monday, January 9, 2012

5:06 am and ...

Listening to this...



Nothing much.

Cider.

Finished reading "Freedom" by Jonathan Franzen. It was weird reading that book cos its just about ordinary boring mundane human relations. Nothing too dramatic or spectacular and yet I was so absorbed in it. I don't know what it was that got me sucked in...definitely not the drama...perhaps just the fact that he can really describe those fucking useless seconds of life that most are too lazy or impatient to do. Damn, that man must be a patient human being. Even I, who love all that emotion shit would have been willing to skip some stuff. I don't know how he did it but it is strange to be reading with excitement something that is boring.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Editing...

has to be the most boring thing on earth...

I am sick of it.

Going out for a walk.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Just another "classic" male ego...

Okay, I am really not at all a "snotty" kind of person. I hardly talk about myself (apart from on my blog of course and my diary)to others except I am asked. If not, I don't naturally just talk about myself. Anyway, so this guy comes over yesterday and we are having a good time, drinking wine and just chatting, he asks me if he can smoke. I say "sure, no problem". He takes out his cigarette, takes a drag, and all of a sudden, turns to me and says...

"You think you are better than everyone else"

"Huh?"

"You think you are better than everyone else, you have your nose all up in the air with your books"

"Huh?"

"What? You think you are better than me cos you have books and a bookshelf?"

(Mind you, my books have been in boxes for years and I only got a bookshelf recently from my neighbor and that was the first time he was seeing my books or bookshelf. Of course, it is noticeable cos it was not there before, but other than that, its not a fucking big deal. Anyway, no need to explain further. Everybody has bookshelves, its not anything spectacular).

When he said that last sentence of course, I began to smile cos it was amusing. Was he being intimidated by books? Jesus have mercy! Cos I mean, its not me he is intimidated by cos until he saw those books, he never thought I was stuck up or anything. In fact, he always said I was such a down to earth person, now all of a sudden, I am stuck up?

I looked at the books and wondered which of them had got to him? Anyway, so in my mind, I am thoroughly amused to see him all worked up in such a way...

So there he is, smoking and looking at me to see if he can get a reaction from me.

I did not really feel like saying anything so I just kept starring at the books, wondering how pieces of paper can bring forth such a strong reaction...

Anyway, after a while, he comes and sits next to me and says...

"Is it not true? You think you are better than me?"

"Its not true"

"But you think you are better than me? That's the truth"

"Its your opinion, its not the truth. That something is an opinion does not make it true"

After a while, I see his shoulders relax and then he kisses me on the cheek and says

"I was just joking, you are such a nice person. You are the nicest person I have ever met, it was just a joke"

WHAT THE FUCK, MEN?

What kind of useless humour is that? I think he was really serious cos in some fucked up way he wanted to hurt me but since the only reaction he got was amusement, he decided to play it off as a "joke".

Yeah right. What kind of low esteemed man gets intimidated by a bookshelf?

That's fucked up, men.

They are just books.

Meanwhile: Am I really gonna start off 2012 with some man telling me who I am? Really? Is that really the way my relationship with men is gonna be this year? Cos if that is the case, then this year is gonna be another hopeless year. But hey, it just the beginning...lol...Lord have mercy.

and meanwhile, he wasn't all that either...if you get my drift:

Sunday, January 1, 2012

2012!

Hell yeah! Lets see...progress report.

State of mind: Best it has been in years!

My brother, reacting to my new state of mind said to my mum "ah! that's Waffy. She is always happy every New Year and then depressed the rest of the year"

Ha! A big HA!

I am the new, improved Waffarian.

Just wait till he sees my smile, as Alicia Keys would say.

Men: Bite me!

Work: Good potential

Money: Good potential

Traveling: Even better potential

Seems my year is full of potential.

Love and peace.

Life is gonna be good this year. I can smell it in the air.



Yeah, I know this song has been on my blog a couple of times already. What can I say? I just like it.