Sunday, December 29, 2013

Time.

For times come and go.

And I am lost.

Drifting between times that are not  yet past but still not in the future

The clock calls me back

Tomorrow is coming

Stay, one more day

Perhaps tomorrow you will be here again.




Thursday, December 19, 2013

Short hair.

I decided at the last minute to go to the gym. I hastily packed my bags and as I put my ear phones on, I felt good, like I was doing something that deserved applause if I had an audience. Half way on the journey, I suddenly remember that I had not taken any underwear with me. The worst thing in life is wearing sweaty underwear or socks after you have had a relaxing time in the sauna and showers. God forbid bad thing. H&M is never too far away and I decide to stop and buy a pair.

I buy the underwear and remember that there was actually a short way to get to the gym from that shopping mall. I could go out through another entrance instead of going back down and through the tunnel.

As I walk towards the door, I see a familiar face, its a lady I used to know from a meditation center. Her mother was a regular at the meditation center as well and she would often come with her to meditate. Last time I saw her she was heavily pregnant but now here she was, looking extremely exhausted but pushing a stroller with a baby in it. At first I don't recognize the woman beside her, but as I hug the lady, I see that the woman beside her is her mother, except now with very short hair and looking very different. It looked like she had aged twenty years. I hug her too and I touch her hair and say,

 "Oh wow, you cut your hair" I said

"Oh...you have not seen this? I have cancer, its just growing out again" she replied

The last time I saw either of them was last winter. I had volunteered to help out with a meditation retreat because they were short of people. I was not a member and neither was I very active in  the center, I was simply one of those people that appeared and disappeared at will. Depending on who you talk to at the center, some would say I have been there for years and some might have never met me. I had worked then with the lady and her mother, helping the participants, cleaning and making sure the retreat was working smoothly. I don't even remember how we said goodbye when the whole thing was over.

All these thoughts flashed through my mind as she said those words.

I must have looked totally shocked because then she said,

"You don't need to look so devastated" she said with a bit of irritation or anger in her voice, I wasn't sure which but I understood that she did not want me to offer any kind of "oh I am so sorry"

Her daughter saves the day by saying "we should have coffee sometime"

"Yes of course" I say

"Not next week because we are going to the country side but after that" the mother says, again, I sense anger or something...something that was never there before last winter.

I hugged them both and attempted to behave normally which was what she wanted, I guess. I did not say "I am so sorry" but I tried to say it with my hug and I hope she understood.

When I got to the gym, it was packed filled with people.


The music started and jumping up and down, I imagined her looking in and seeing me doing these ridiculous steps.

Yeah, I did my steps, I jumped up and down and I even sang along to "la la love"

Life.









Tuesday, December 17, 2013

I will see again.





I don't know why we are both giggling. There is nothing to giggle about. This is a serious situation. This might be the end of a journey of almost two years. But that is just one of those moments when all of a sudden, you are connecting with another human being.

"Walk around here now, can you see?" she asked

"I can, I can" I reply

"Now, look at him, can you see him?"

"Yes, I can, I can see everything"

and now we are giggling again. There is some kind of laughter coming on, and we both recognise that its going to be one of those hysterical laughters that can't be stopped.

"So is this the one then? Have we found it?" I ask, still in a state of giggles

"I think we have" she replied.

 Everything else we do after that is done with smiles and giggles.

"You are going to have a new grip on life from next year" she says

"I know" I reply, laughing

"Next year, a new grip" she says

We dont know how to say goodbye. Are we going to hug?

I look at her and say "I know I am laughing but seriously, thank you"

I put my hand on her arm and she holds it there for a moment.

And then we both start laughing again.

"Merry Christmas" I say and I walk out of the clinic before I start laughing again.

From next year, I will see again.




Thursday, December 12, 2013

My mind is wide open.

I see you everywhere I go
You are standing
You are smiling at me
You are walking towards me
I am waiting patiently for you
But you are not here
I am only creating imaginary pictures in my head
The truth is I miss you so much
Someone loves you
I am always thinking about you.

Monday, December 2, 2013

A million reasons to leave...



Saboteur, Saboteur,

You did a good job,

Fucking up everything that came your way.

Pushed everybody away

Did you ever face it?

Saboteur, Saboteur,

In your isolation,


You saw it,

Saboteur,

That hole was not fun anymore was it?

 "I don't want to be here anymore"

The cocoon, your only friend,

Now suffocating isn't it?

Ha!   You saboteur.

Find your way

Out.












Saturday, November 9, 2013

"What will they say?"

I always find it extremely hard to understand how so many people continue to suffer in situations mainly because of the social consequences that come with getting out of that particular situation.  I understand people who for economical reasons choose to stay on in a job or relationship that they hate. I wouldn't do it but I understand it. Money for many people is extremely important and many people do get a sense of security from having wealth.

Anyway, so people stay on in extremely hard situations because of all kinds of reasons. The one reason I will never understand though is the worrying about the social aspect. As in, leaving a relationship might mean losing out on some of the social shit people do as couples together. You know, the dinners and all that crap. In Nigeria, it would be all those functions one attends as a couple, weddings, burials, birthday parties and what not. Being a couple guarantees you an invite for many couple related activities. Many people get out of relationships and lose many friends. This happened to me a couple of years ago when I got out of mine. I suddenly found myself totally alone. Till today, many of the people I thought were my friends I have never met again. Its a very strange thing but my logic is, people who are only your friends because you are part of a "couple" were never your friends anyway, so losing them to me was not really a loss. How can you lose what you never had? I was not so worried either about peoples reactions to leaving a stable and secure situation. My biggest problem in life has always been what I think about me. I had lost my own respect my being a part of something that I did not believe in. It has taken me years to forgive myself.

"What will they say?" First of all, who the fuck are "they"? Is it the neighbor? is it that woman in your church? Is it your husband's best friend's wife? Is it the gate man and the house maid? Is it your colleagues at work? Who, out of all these people, is controlling your life? Be specific,  who amongst these people are you willing to die for?  Cos in essence you are not living your life for yourself, you are living for them so you might as well offer yourself to them. Cut an arm, give a liver.

If you are unwilling to die for any of those people who are "they" then I suggest you start living for yourself.


Sunday, November 3, 2013

Just normal stuff...

I have been down to the laundry room. There are no available slots. I have missed my time slot three times this week. I often think I will wake up super early to go to the gym and do my laundry.

I am not so successful.

In my bid to get my writing back on track, I am now forcing myself to write here again. So some pieces might not be meaningful. In fact, useless and worthless.

My bicycle is outside. I don't think it will survive another winter.

There are many things to think about. I am not as strong as I thought I was. A bit too sensitive and I hurt easily.

The year is coming to an end and I have to say that even though the first half of the year was really, bad,this second part has not been totally rubbish. Still fucked but not really really bad.

I met a random woman yesterday who said to me  "You think having children will be the best thing ever and then you have them and realize that they are are going to disturb you all day long"....

I met her at the library...it was closed. So I sat on a bench and ate my lunch. She arrived, I told her it was closed and she just starts talking to me about all kinds of stuff. I am a polite person so I listen but in the end she was becoming more and more animated and all worked up especially when she started talking about children...

It was like a confession.

I noticed she was working towards the metro, I was going that way too but the prospect of listening to more talk of her life situation was not so appealing so I decided to take the bus instead.

I did not feel guilty at all. I put on some music and watched the rain fall.


Monday, October 21, 2013

Its not raining...

Life continues.

Days turn into nights, nights turn into days, the usual cliche. I try to be motivated, find the things in life that are worth doing. Living alone for many years should become one of those psychological tests they use to crack people.  Many people would crack, I tell you. I now live on the ground floor and many nights I have the option of either sleeping or starring into my window hoping no face would suddenly pop up against the glass. I have stopped watching C.S.I, seems there is no end on different ways to kill innocent people in all kinds of places. And the mutherfuckers show all those crime series late at night too. Very annoying. I wish every channel would just stick to late night Seinfield or talk shows or whatever. Just something banal and lighthearted.

 Sooner or later, you begin to imagine all the fun you would be having if there was just someone there. But like all fantasies, experience shows that having someone there might be more stressful than dealing with your self 24/7.

I am not sure if I am my own friend yet. I try to be but sometimes I see the kind of shit I do and I wonder whose side I am on. Get a grip, woman.

Apart from all the psycho stuff, I am alive and doing fairly okay. Not totally miserable as one might assume with this nonsense post but not exactly dancing with marracas on a table either.

God of creativity where art thou? Have you abandoned me and my mad brain? I need to be inspired again, see life with all its colours and glory on a fucking field of ....what was that song by Sting again? Field of something....gold...

Kisses,
Waffy

Monday, September 9, 2013

If you ever want a crazy girl...

Here I am.

Yes, you know where you can find me. I walk in the rain just to feel that I can feel.

I pinch myself at nights to know that I am real.

And if you hold me tight...

Everything will be fine again.

I will walk with an umbrella and find a home.

Yes, I will.



Sunday, August 25, 2013

I will miss you when you go...

He was taking stuff off the walls...I paced back and forth...watching him...

"I don't understand why you are packing now...you still have three weeks...who will give me coffee when You are gone?" I asked

"Then you will just have to come and visit me" he replied

"You will visit me cos now you wont have a proper kitchen" I said.

"You won't be here anyway" he said, removing more nails from the walls

"Is there anything here you want? a collection of national geographic?"

"Please! I have way too many books and shit...I don't want more books and mags" I replied, following him around as he put things in boxes.

"Oh, by the way, I know something you can have, I have a gift for you" he said

"Oh, what is it? a gift? for me?"

"Yes, I saw something that made me think of you so I bought it for you" he said.

"How interesting! what is it?"

He walked to a cupboard, brought out two bangles and reaching for my hand, he gently put them through...

"Ha! you liar! you did not get them for me, you got them for some girl and now you changed your mind and you are giving them to me"

He did not turn back as he took down more pictures off the wall...

"No, I got them for you. Its a gift"

"Oh..."

"So did you want coffee?"

"Anything sweet?"

"Tea?"

"Nahhhhhh"

"Carbonated water? I can put lemon in it?"

"Ok"

We drank the water in silence.

"I need to go get something from the shops" I said

"I need to read" he replied.

I walked quickly home. In my room I looked at the bangles. Nobody had given me a gift just because...for a long time. The bangles were brown, with some sort of white splashes on them. Its the kind of thing I would have bought for myself. That he knew me so well made me smile. I sent a text.

"Thank you for the bangles"  it said. "They are perfect".









Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Moving again!

Yep, that's right people, this woman is on the move again, lol...I know what you are thinking, does this human being not miss stability? security?

Nope. Time to shake things up. Life has been too dry these past years, reading my blog you might disagree but I promise you that I have spent way too much time in my head and brain, weaving another life that might not be so out of reach after all.

Yep, somebody told me that I have to live life with "bravado", everybody is afraid of the unknown but better to try at least. If only she knew how waking up each day for me is an act of bravery...lol.

P.S: Once again, let me assure all those who suffer from a broken heart, all those who think they will never meet anybody like "that" again. Believe me, its only because you are not meeting enough people. There are millions of people in the world, chances that you will not meet more people better than that loser is quite slim. People come and people go. Let them go in peace, I beg you. Life is too big and too much to revolve around one person. There is so much to do and many more fantastic human beings out there to meet, others will come in if you let them.

Of course, as you all know, I am the heroine of  all things miserable so believe me, I will not lie to you. Time heals everything. I am the broken bird that has been crushed way too many times and still, "I arise!"  lol.

Love you all. Keep living, keep loving, let the bullshit go.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Home- Near, far and everything in between.

I know the system, I get off the plane and I fit in with my jeans and trainers, I look back at the overdressed Nigerians, in pumps, gold necklaces, white suits, their Sunday best...they are traveling abroad. I look back and laugh as I casually fit in with the backpackers in sandals, looking for the next gate. This is why you should wear something comfortable so you can jog to the next gate and also in case the plane crashes. I walk out of the plane, I know no one is waiting for me. At the corner of my eye I see a placard "welcome home Pablo", fuck Pablo. I walk briskly to the ticket machine and buy my ticket. Everything works. I know this place. I am certain of everything but what am I doing here?

The silence, the peace, no loudspeakers warnings about "thunder and fire" and the end of the time. Its peaceful. My life is peaceful, everything works here you know. It fucking functions!!!

But...but...over there, where the trees are green, they are so green, and the smell of the earth, it smells of rain... there...people call and ask "where you dey?" people invite me for naming ceremonies, dedications, marriages, birthday parties, thanksgiving ceremonies, "get-together"s. You go for a party and as you leave, you get an invitation to another. There is a never ending circle of parties and functions.

I dump my suitcases on the floor of my bedroom. I lie down on my bed. What the fuck am I doing here?

My skin is back to normal, no more bubbles of sweat and the constant wet skin. No more sneezing and watery eyes. No dust. My network connection is the fastest it can be. Come on, what do you expect?

I look through my phone...The pain had returned. That sharp pain that left my chest as the plane landed in Warri  had returned again. Shit! Does it only disappear in Africa? Crap.

I decide to go for a walk. It is hot and nobody is smiling or waving at me. Nobody stops me on the road to ask "how is your mother?", I get to the shop with no interruptions.  I buy "cherry coke" and return to my apartment. I stare at the ceiling.

But I am telling you, things work here. There is constant light, the water...its the best in the world, straight from the tap, there are no potholes on the road, look, I left my bicycle out all winter and now its summer, its still there. You can't understand it. You can't.

I am far, I am near, I am no where.




















Friday, June 7, 2013

Not in the way...

I sat on the last free table and watched the traffic pass by. It was not too bad I guess, coming back...again to a part of town that held so many memories. But for some reason, my life here has me coming back from time to time to this part of town that I once knew so well. Nothing seemed to have changed, the old people were still there, the library and cafe beside it exactly as it was eleven years ago. I felt comfortable sitting in the little square and watching people.

I was too early for my appointment. My anxiety either has me showing up too early or too late for appointments. Today I was an hour early. I did not want to wait in the reception room so I went to the little square and sat there reading my book. Two foreigners approached me, one to ask directions to the library and the other to a bank.

I got bored and decided to talk a walk, another woman approached me. She wanted directions to a place where "unemployed immigrant women met to study together". No fucking idea. Her language was faulty. I thought she needed directions for either the unemployment agency or the language school. No. It wasn't a school she was looking for or the unemployment agency, it was some place for women to meet and "study together". After trying for some minutes to figure out what she meant, she looks at me accusingly and says "you don't live around here do you?" What the fuck does that have to do with anything? I say "no, but I used to". She nods her head and looks at me knowingly....as if that explains everything. I could not help her because I did not live around here and therefore did know know this strange place where unemployed foreign women met to study together. The truth was I could not help her because I had no fucking clue what she was talking about. Anyway, it would have been useless to argue so I agreed with her. "Yes" I replied. "You should ask somebody else, I don't know this area". She smiled and nodded in sympathy.

I left her by the roadside and went back to the square. Two old ladies and a dog  approached me. One had only a big front tooth sticking out of her gums. "Can we sit here with you?" she asked. "Yes, sure, its free" I replied. "Very sweet of you" she said. Her companion walked to one of the chairs by the table with the dog but did not sit down. The one toothed old lady told the other she was going to get them some coffee. The dog started barking. She told the other woman to hold the dog's "jaws together" and then shuffled off. The companion was unable to do that, she kept trying to appease the old dog by talking nicely to it, the dog went off on a barking spree.

The other old people around were slowly getting irritated. I was quite amused. The old lady kept talking to the dog "she will soon be back" "why are you embarrassing me?" "you are so spoiled"  etc etc, it all seemed very familiar, this had happened many times, it was a routine. The old woman looked at me and said "sorry, she is old, thirteen years".

"Well, you better sit down, I think". I said.

I was more concerned about the woman's bad posture than the dog's barking. She had not sat down since they arrived and was half way bent, trying to soothe the barking dog. It looked like a very uncomfortable position to be in. The couple nearest to us looked at her in irritation and buggered off to another bench far away. Another old woman went off with disgust. The dog kept barking.

The one toothed old lady came back with their coffee "Why did you not shut her jaws?" she asked clearly irritated, she used her walking stick and began to roughly prod the dog "shut up" she said to the dog. The dog barked back and back and forth it began, the one toothed old lady began a quarrel with the dog, the other woman interjecting in from time to time, "stop it, you are not helping matters". The three of them seemed oblivious to their surroundings, they were lost in whatever psycho drama this was. More people left the surrounding tables. I looked on in amusement.

Unfortunately, it was time to leave. As I began to pack up my stuff, one tooth says "oh you don't have to go, you are not in the way".

"I have to go anyway, not leaving because of you guys, I have an appointment to keep. Have a good day ladies" I said.

As I left, I thought of what one tooth said "you are not in the way"...ha ha ha ha...for Christ's sake, they were in my way!!! I was sitting alone there before they came along with their psycho drama. "Not in the way" indeed!!! ha ha ha funny people.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Second, third, fourth, chances...chances...

I swear I won't fuck up this time, I swear, I swear, I swear.

I will do all that I am supposed to do.

I will pay my bills. I will return my books back to the library.

I will clean my room.

I will do my laundry.

I will do everything I am supposed to do.

I will finish my research papers.

Let me have this last chance, please, please, please.

I swear I won't fuck up this time around.


Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Somewhere else.

The wind was mild, the sun, shining. Lovers holding hands.

I walked behind them, taking in all the sights. The fishermen were offloading their fish and people were buying them all, straight from the net.

I stopped to stare.

"Do you want to buy some to take home?" my brother asked.

It was tempting.

"Nahhhhh. I can't be bothered" I replied.

He walked ahead, speaking with his girlfriend. She was laughing and holding his hand.

A guy jogged past without a shirt, sweating and making some strange hand movements, spontaneously, I jogged behind him, imitating his movements. I got a few laughs from the people around.

There is still so much I haven't seen in the world, I thought. So much. Where are all those ships going?

When we got to the beach, I took off my shoes and lay down.

"You are like a lizard, soaking up the sun" my brother said, taking a drag of his cigarette.

"Ehhhn, let it be. I don't care". I replied.

"You should put your feet in, its good for the blood circulation" he said.

I did that for a while and got bored. Then I lay down again.

"You would stay here all day if you could" he said.

"I would". I replied, my eyes closed.

A woman was sun bathing in a bikini. She seemed so confident. Her man kept talking pictures of her while she struck different poses.

What confidence! I thought. She was overweight.

"We should go now" my brother said.

I got up reluctantly. So much to see in the world, so much to do.




Sunday, May 5, 2013

Very adult like...

I covered my ears with my hands and closed my eyes, from far away, I could hear the shrieks, prayers and the babies crying and the plane was still rocking terribly but I had forced my mind into meditation..... metta, metta, metta, metta.......

Suddenly I felt two hard slaps on my arm, I got out out of  my trance in shock.

"Its okay now" the old lady sitting beside me said.

I looked around. Yes, it seemed to be peaceful. For how long had been out of it? Rocking myself like a lunatic?

"Just a little turbulence" she said

I did not reply, I stared into the dark clouds forcing myself back into reality.

Just 15 minutes more, just 15 minutes more.....

"Just a little turbulence indeed!" that's why people were holding unto each other and crying....

Was I really prepared to die?  Would I have accepted death without fear? I would not want to die in fear. My heart was still racing...

"Are you visiting someone?" the woman was trying hard to get me out of my mind...

"A mini holday" I replied. "And you?"

"Oh, we have a boat there, we are going to sail this month and June"

"Oh thats really fine, really fine. You are going to have a fine time"

"I hope so " she say.

Why do I keep saying "fine?" not wonderful, or nice, or great, but "fine"?

But my language skills had now reversed to my mother tongue. All other languages had sort of disappeared with fear.

The plane landed.

"Thank you" I say to her. She knows what I am thanking her for.

"No problem" she says and rubs my hand.

I walk confidently away with my backpack like a confident adult. Yes, I am adult, I can handle all sorts of crisis, I am super.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Tea and nothing more.

I forced myself to close my eyes  "sleep will come".  I could hear my heart beating, and the clouds in my head getting darker, heavier....

A few hours before I had been talking with my friends. A friend of mine is getting divorced. Her sorrow is heavy. You can see it underneath her eyes, around her eyes, in her eyes. The man is not making things easy for anybody. He intends for all to suffer because of his ego so they all do.

The other woman sitting with us who hardly says anything personal, suddenly speaks "You know, once I was crying in the bedroom and my husband was ordering champaigne on the phone".

I began to laugh hysterically. The women joined in. The man next to us, who I am sure had been listening to our conversation all along, looked like he disapproved of such laughter in such a conversation.

I wished I was brave enough to look him straight in the eye and mouth "bite me".

"I don't remember anything anymore" I said. " Maybe I don't like thinking about bad times"

"I just don't want my children to suffer" she said, wearing her sun glasses and looking away.

"Life is how it is. You can't always protect them from everything, this is life. Sometimes we have to go through stuff we don't want to. We do things that we have to, not because we want to. Desperate times calls for desperate measures. They will survive. I promise you" the quiet woman said.

"I am just thinking if this is too big a price to pay. He is going to get everything, everything. After all these years, he will win. He has the money, he has the house, he has the brand new car, he is the one travelling all over the world, he has the career, and what do I get? Nothing. He will be the winner" she was crying hard. The people at the other tables looked at us. I reached for her hand across the table.

"You will have your freedom. You will have peace. You will have laughter. You will have joy. You will have yourself. You will have your life again" I said.

I could not sleep. I thought of all the degrading ways in which she had been treated...in front of the kids. No child needs to see those things.

"The price is not too high, not high at all" I thought.

Sleep still did not come. Had I really forgotten about all the bad times? I did not want to look at my diary and remember.  Nothing hurts anymore.

Is that why I was once again, putting someone else before myself, before my needs. before my priorities?

Have I forgotten how people are, how human beings are, their selfish egoistic ways, everybody puts their needs before others. Everybody does what is best for them, even if it means that another will suffer. Isn't that the way of the world?

Why did I forget?

I got up from bed. There was no use trying to sleep. It was four already. I made a strong cup of tea.

I don't want to think about, I don't want to talk about it.

I just want to drink my tea and nothing more.








Wednesday, April 10, 2013

On all things waffy...

Soul: Feeling pretty good even though I am a bit fed up with people...as usual. Hard to find the balance between being good and just saying "fuck off". I am always somewhere in the middle. Be kind, be good, be nice, remember who you are, bla bla bla bla FUCKKKKKK OFFFF! Something like that.

Love life: Its so complicated that if it gets more complicated than this, a new word will have to be invented. But then again, I am a pretty complicated individual so sometimes I have to give all that a break. Bla, bla bla, story of my life. NEXT!

Writing: Pretty good actually. Feeling positive, inspired and creative.

Finance: Not too bad. At least I wont say I am "surviving" anymore. I am okay, I guess.

Family: My clan is getting bigger and bigger. All my good friends now have kids or are pregnant so I look forward to being the extraordinary super Aunt. My own family is as supportive as ever of my madness. I would not survive in this world without my brothers and sisters. They make life worth living and give me a lot of joy and laughter in my life.

Exercise: The Lord is my strength.

Career: Still looking for a sugar Daddy.

And that's all folks!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Awake...



Like a drunk that wakes up cautiously, suspicious of her environment, (who knows what has happened the night before?), I opened one eye...

I took a quick glance at the vicinity surrounding my bed. Good, there was no vodka. Or ashtrays. Or pizza cartons lying around. There was only my laptop and phone. I am not a drunk after all. Only perhaps, slightly mad. I kicked some of the books and papers out of the way.

I drank the cold tea from the night before. Iced tea never felt better.

I pushed a book down my laptop bag. Two tablets, pain killers...and what the hell is this? well, who cares? some sort of  drug anyway...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, time to hit the road.  Fuck this shit.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Us.

A simple phone call, a text, a mail,
that was all I asked of you,
as minutes turned into hours
and hours turned into a day,
Your voice was all I longed to hear,
But now that means something else
Anger, stress, sadness,  that's your defence
An act of love
Has become the trigger
Fired away with careless abandon
Who cares what it hits?
Underneath the beautiful moments
was always something else
The hanging threat of the truth
That at the end of the day,
There never was any "us".



Sunday, March 17, 2013

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

A message from the past...

Today I got a mail that touched my soul. Of all the people that have hurt me in this world, this particular person has NEVER hurt me in anyway. We lived together years ago, in some sort of commune and sure, as young people are, we did all kinds of crazy shit but he never did anything that made me hold a grudge and we have always been friends and kept in touch even after so many years. Apparently, he feels things have not been going so well in his life and he needs to apologise for his past. Embedded in a long letter detailing his life, he wrote:

 "Please waffy, if  you think there is hope for me, please forgive me for all the shit I ever said, thought or did to you"

It really touched me because for the love of God, I can't think of anything at all. I have tried to think of all the shit we have been through but I can't of think of anything that really bothered me. lt he had done anything to me, I would not have remained friends with him.

Which made me think of all the people that DID fuck me seriously over the years and till today, have never apologised. Yet, this sweet guy, that I think of with so much fondness thinks he somehow  has to apologise?

Those that are good are constantly apologising for something, afraid they have hurt someone and those that are evil, go about in the world without any conscience at all. In fact, they have probably forgotten that they ever hurt you. Mad world.

Life can be itchy...

I woke up this morning with the feeling of irritation on my skin. The sun had revealed how much dust was on my bookshelves and the sight disgusted me. I felt a sense of panic, my back began to itch, as if the dust was on my back and not on the shelves. I ran to the bathroom and scrubbed my skin until the itch disappeared.

A normal person would immediately begin to do something about the bookshelves. Not me, I began to prepare my escape from the shelves and the dust. I dressed up as quickly as I could, gulped my coffee and took the stairs two at a time. By the time I sat on the bus, I was calm again and life did not seem so itchy.

I met a man for lunch. There is an unseen magnet between us, drawing us to each other, no matter the circumstances. At the same time, our life circumstances make it impossible for us to be together. There is always an intensity that makes the soul more vulnerable. Looking into his eyes, hurts my eyes. Maybe in another time and place things could have been. Maybe we have missed our chance. Nobody is prepared to make the sacrifice needed for us to be together. We are both on journeys and let it not be said that one did not allow the other to reach long awaited destinations. Perhaps that is the sacrifice we each have to make? To let ourselves go, despite the unyielding force of the magnet? Love can come in many shapes and forms. Letting go can also be an act of love.

Spring is on the way, and it brings the promise of newer things. When I look back at this time in my life, I will remember many things. The promise of love, the bonds of friendship and sisterhood, the gripping hold of insomnia, the end of fear of the end, the strong will of freedom and the promise that my life will never be a consolation to those who did not pursue their own dreams. I therefore, must succeed. Failure, is not an option.

There are many sacrifices to be made and many, I have already made. But there is still more to come and that too, I must be prepared for.

So here's to those of you that struggle in long journeys. Life will never give us all that we want. We all, must choose. Some choices are harder to make than others. Make the choices you can live with, but above all, be true to yourself.

Love.







Friday, March 1, 2013

Weekend...

Looking forward to a very chilled weekend...

Long walks, coffee, reading, writing, I don't want no trouble at all...

Mood

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Early...

 
 
Got some sleep, now I am off. Today is the day that everything changes...AMEN.
 
 

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

What brings order in the world is to love and let love do what it will...

Nothing to wait for, nobody to wait for. No phone calls or texts to wait for. No mails, no letters, no cards, nothing. I have got nothing to wait for.

"I wish someone was waiting for me somewhere" is my all time favourite book title. Anytime I am on a train, bus, plane, I remember that title.

"What will you fill days with now Waffy?" a friend asked me.

Well, I fucking know what I am NOT doing.

Yesterday, after watching so much tv that my head began to hurt, I laughed at the madness of the world. On one channel a group of housewives were findng problems out of nothing, doing nothing out of nothing. I have to admit, I am fascinated with all the housewives shows they have in America. How the hell do they manage to make nothing out of nothing?  Quite fascinating. I won't mind moving to Miami when I am fifty and try to figure that out. On another channel, there was some real life series on crimes. A husband suffocates his wife with a pillow after drugging her up. Apparently, he just wanted to get out of it or be with someone else. We will never know. "Why did you just not leave?" People are such cowards. How can a relationship get so infected that  it actually got to the point where instead of walking away, that became your only option? On the text tv, there was a report of the insurance people asking a dying man for a date of his expected demise. Perhaps to calculate how much will be needed for his upkeep. Assholes!How tactless!

Of course, all this made me burst into laughter. What a mad world. Talking of a mad world, facebook most be the craziest space on earth. The kind of shit one sees there...quite sick. People with over inflated egos giving blow by blow accounts of their incredibly mundane lives. And with pictures too, to top it all.

What will I fill my days up with?

Writing, writing, writing. I have so much unfinished projects that it is totally crazy. I don't even know where they all are...here and there.  So yeah, will be writing more on my blog now just so I get my flow going every morning. If I start the day writing, I usually get into a good flow.

How am I? Feeling pretty great now that I am no longer in the middle of the road. What's that quote again?  Just saw it on an old blog "We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over".

You've gat to have the heart to stay or quit.

I usually quit. Wish I had the heart to stay in complicated shit and wait it out but I never have. Life should not be hard. It should be simple. Once it gets too complicated, I bail the fuck out. I don't handle complications well. Never have. That's why I am alone, I guess and will probably remain so until I find someone who also wants the simple things in life.  Laughter, music, beauty, joy in simple things. A joke shared, a smile over coffee, a touch, a kiss.

Fuck money, fuck status, fuck the villa, fuck your fucking need for fame and fortune.

But now off to the library.


What a rant this post has been! But loving it, regardless. This is what I am listening to at this very moment.








Monday, February 25, 2013

Returning to my space..


I am back, back to the space that is mine.
Back to the world that is mine
You can't find me here
You can't hurt me here
I return to my world
Where I create everything I want to happen
Where the pictures form into words
And nothing you say can be anything here
All I have to say, I say it here
All I want to happen, I make it happen here
I return to my world
And I am not taking you with me
For this is my space
And when I create,
No one can find me.
No one can hurt me here.

This is my space.

The runner...

The bus was going to be in nine minutes. Three girls passed me by, I heard one of them say, "here, we are used to having pain in our bodies". I wondered what that conversation was about. I had no idea, but in my mind, I heard myself say "preach, sister!". I felt like my whole body was in pain. My heart, my legs, my shoulders, my finger tips. I was in pain.

I began to walk. I did not want to take any short cuts, so I just walked. It was cold and I was freezing. After a few minutes, I could not feel my ears anymore but I kept walking, past the bench where I used to sit in the summer, past the fields that would turn golden in the autumn, past everything that once gave me pleasure in the summer.

I walked and walked, my shouders felt heavy and I remembered a time many years ago when my brain did not want to cooperate with my my body. My brain said to my legs "you can't possibly take another step. You are done". I felt that way. That my brain was doing its own thing. It had abandoned my body to the world. I focused on listening to my foot steps on the snow, the sound came into my ears as if from another place. It echoed in my ears. "You are so slow, you need to sit down. You can't walk anymore". I reached a tunnel, there was a slab of concrete, a block, just there, waiting for me. "You need to sit down now" my brain said to my body.

I was afraid that if I sat down, I will never get up anymore. My body would be found in the morning, frozen.

I kept walking, I heard the sound of foot steps behind me, confident foot steps, somebody that knew where he was going. I knew it was a man even before he passed me on my slow journey.

"I wish I could walk like you, I wish I knew where I was going"

He passed me by, confident and his head held high in the freezing temparatures.

I was alone again, on a path that was leading somewhere, somewhere.

Across the road, I saw a winter runner. Yeah, show me how much of a loser I am,  I thought. I heard a screeching sound, and I stopped and starred as I saw him do an extraordinary slide and fall badly, on the slippery road. We both were in shock.

"Fuck!" he screamed.

I was just going to ask "are you alright?"

But before my mouth could form the words, he just got up and kept running. He did not even hesitate for a moment. He did not check to see if he had any injuries or dust the snow off his clothes. He just got up and kept running.

Now thats how you do it. I thought. You just do it.

I took a deep breath and quicked my pace. Who cares how you fall? Its how you get up that matters.

I am tired of falling. I am.

But just like that runner, sometimes there is no need to stop and check for the damages. Perhaps sometimes seeing the damages and knowing that they are there is more of a burden than I can manage.

All I have to do...is just do it.


Saturday, February 23, 2013

The Circle...

My mum always told me never to be kind to people with an expectation. Kindness comes from the heart and its a conscious choice that should be done without any expectations. She always said that more often than not, kindness will come back to you but rarely from the same person you were kind to.  It comes back in different shapes and forms.

All my life, I have followed this rule, it doesn't matter if those you are kind to are ungrateful or never help you out in your time of need, you will get it back, regardless.

I have many classic examples of random strangers coming to my aid when friends have failed. My flat mate often reminds me to record my meetings with strangers and many of those meetings I hope I have written down somewhere. Its hard to keep track of all my writings.

Today, was one of those days. I did not sleep a wink last night, insomnia. I waited all morning for a call that never came. I was distraught. "I don't deserve this", I thought. "I don't".

I remembered that I had promised to help a friend out today in her cafe and even though I was tired and sad, I decided to go there anyway. On my way back home, I had to top up my bus card and for some reason, perhaps because I was tired, hungry and sad, I just could not figure out what zone I needed, what coupons I had to buy... I was getting a bit frustrated. The guy at the ticket office saw me and came over.  He was unbelievably patient and kind to me. Explaining everything very gently and asking me patiently, questions so he could help me.

For many people, this might not be a big deal, but to me, it was. His kindness made me relax and I began to smile at my own foolishness, I heard my train in the distance but I did not want to leave and neither did he. It was one of those meetings that was just humane. Perhaps he too, was craving for some kindness and human contact, perhaps nobody had looked in his eyes today. But he saw me, and I, him.

I stood by the ticket office, chatting about nothing. Another train passed.

"Well, if you ever have any problems with your card, just come back here any time, and I will help you out"

I did not tell him that I lived miles away, and the possibility of us ever meeting again, was quite slim.

"I will" I said, "Thank you".

As I walked away, I thought of the circle of kindness, how strangers often touch me with simple gestures, simple acts that others take for granted.

I came back home and just as I was about to make my dinner, my phone rang, it was an old friend.

"Hello?" All I could hear was the sound of sobbing....I had not talked to her for months...

"What's the matter? Tell me, I am here"

"Imagine I have to call you in another country! I don't have anybody to talk to" she cried.

"Does it matter what country I am in? That's why I am your friend. What is wrong? I am here"

As I listened to her, it occurred  to me that I was right there, in the circle that never ends...



Thursday, February 14, 2013

Happy Valentines Day!

"I know I am difficult"

You are the easiest person I can be myself with

"I feel like I am not enough"

You are more than enough for me.

"I wish I could do more for you"

You have done more for me than anybody has ever done

"I want to make you happy"
 
Knowing that you exist, makes me happy.

"I am sorry I did not get you any present"

You are my present, everyday, you are.





Friday, February 1, 2013

I hear the song that breaks my heart...and think of you...


Your own shit should be easier to clean...

My mother says the funniest things. After complaining about the huge mess I have made of stuff  and how I now had to clean it all up, she says, well better to clean your own shit up that somebody elses!. Your own shit should be easier to clean.

Well, it made sense. At least its mine. lol.

Nothing new here, my friend fixed my old laptop so I am super happy. Only problem is for some reason, I cant use the quotations marks and other symbols...anyway, I am sure thats also an easy thing to fix.

Been listening to a lot of music...

Trying to crawl back into some sort of social life...I have been neglecting that...I mean, I go out, its not like I am stuck in some kind of hole somewhere but I have not had my usual variety. I have just been doing the same things all the time. Boring.

Getting to the end of a journey is always hard. I totally freaked out last week. My brain was on overload and with insomnia, you can imagine. No structure, no organization,just running about like a chicken without a head.

Now sleeping is a bit under control. I try to take naps and I sleep some hours now at night.

I am hungry. Have to go.









Monday, January 28, 2013

Soul adventurer...

Snow, white, the train passes places I recognise. I jogged there, I cycled there, I cried there, I was happy there, I was sad there, it passed through my memories of the city. I sang to myself, "stop that train I 'm leaving", Peter Tosh. Everything was familiar and known.

The bus was already there when I arrived. 2 mins. I did not have to run. There was nobody on the bus. It was very cold. Nobody was outside. The driver waved me in, without looking at my ticket. Great. It occurred to me that I have been having a particularly good  run with this ticket. I have been all over the city in two days and just two controllers have put a stamp on it. They mostly just wave me in. This might be because I always greet the drivers. People don't greet.I think its rude to enter a bus and not acknowledge the person at the wheel so I always say hi. Anyway, this made me feel like perhaps I was actually a lucky person, despite all the disappointments I usually have, when it comes down to it, on a daily basis, I actually meet more kind people than most people. Random people, of course. I have to be the world's expert on meeting random people. I got off the bus. There was a lonesome taxi at the end of the street. The street was desolate. It would have been perfect for one of those winter horror movies...or something existentialist....the buildings on both sides of the road looked abandoned and sad. If not that I had just talked to my friend, and knew for sure that she was in one of these buildings, walking down that road, with a taxi cab with its lights on at the end of a snow covered road would not have been attempted. What will be in the taxi? A dead body? A weird looking taxi driver, perhaps conveying ´ghosts or vampires to other dimensions of the universe. Who knows? There was no such thing of course, just a taxi driver who seemed to have lost his way. He looked as scared as I looked. Like "what the fuck is this shit all about?". I know men, I know.

My friend had coffee on when I got to the cafe. Its an art cafe, I helped out there in the summer. Had a good time doing nothing, just writing and trying to paint.  She had coffee on when I arrived and a box of luxury chocolates. I thought she had got that as a present, "oh, nice present?" I asked. "I bought it myself" she replied. Well done!  So I settled in with coffee and chocolates and we talked about our lives.

She is much older than me, about my mother's age but she is a good friend. Her husband, who is much younger than she is, is not one for conversations, he scrambled away as soon as I arrived and went about pretending to be busy. Whatever, it would not have been fun with him anyway.

Well, after coffee, I was dropped off at another God forsaken bus stop. A bus almost drove past me but it stopped a few meters after the bus stop. Got on, was waved in, again, empty bus. Still going well with the lucky ticket.

"Stop that train I'm leaving", "Stop that train I'm leaving", still in my head.

Observed all kinds of people getting on the train. I felt good with the mix of the people on the train. Mothers with crying babies, hard core looking gangsters with hoods, recovering alcoholics or whatever else they were recovering from, teenagers with head phones and old people returning from God knows where.

"Stop that train I'm leaving"...




.....whether I am right or wrong...


















Thursday, January 17, 2013

Fly...

I am tired of how human beings behave. How is it that people just can't get it?

I am tired of sending texts that go unanswered. Tired of waiting for calls that never come. Tired of sending mails that get no replies.

What more  do I have to do in life for some fucking respect? I treat you kindly, I think of you, I pray for your well being, all I do is wish you well, but you dismiss me and my own well being as if I was just another fly on the wall. "Oh there's a fly".

I deserve to be taken seriously and treated with respect. If you think my texts, mails are unworthy of your attention, well guess what? you do not deserve my attention.

Fuck you too.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Winter, gym, travelling...

I went back to the gym yesterday, the first time this year. I have been slacking. Seriously.

It was snowing, white fluffy snow...I met a friend for lunch then he dropped me off and I walked to the gym. On the way, I saw a homeless person all curled up under a dirty grey blanket on the side walk. I suppose he/she was sleeping. I did not have any money and I was not brave enough to stop and ask whoever it was underneath if there was no where else he/she could go. It was freezing. Nobody should be sleeping out in this weather. Well, unfortunately, I walked on by. I could almost hear the song "its another day for you and me in Paradise" in my head.

 The gym was not as painful as I thought it would be. But today my stomach muscles hurt. I tried to wake up early to go to the gym but ofcourse I fucked up. The alarm rang and all of a sudden, sleeping seemed so important.

Life in general is okay. I am seriously thinking of  travelling...for long periods of time...in different parts of the world... Or at least Asia. It is a fact that my life is not going to be the regular normal society-demands-of-you kind of life. It is not going in that direction and never has so why not embrace my lifestyle fully? Whats the use of being free and at the same time not enjoying it? Its not like there is another choice at the moment so I might as well enjoy myself completely.

I am not waiting for anything to happen. Its happening now, this is it. My life is not regular, I accept it as it is.

Now all I have to do is save some money.


Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Lots of stuff...

I have a lot on my mind.

These weeks are going to be tough. So much to do, so much that needs to be done.

I just have to bite my lips and get on with it.

But after January, things will be easier. I will update more often and  hopefully I will have interesting experiences to narrate. Unfortunately, I haven't been describing the wonderful stuff that happen to me anymore on this blog. Feels like it has become more of "oh yeah, I am still alive" kind of blog but that is all going to change soon. Soon, very soon.

Love.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Happy New Year..

Happy New year dearest friends.

We are alive, we made it. We are heroes.

I have spent the holidays with my family. It was really good.

Now I am back, sitting in my room listening to some good old soul music.

I have a good feeling about this year. Its gonna be alright!

I really wish the best for all of us. Love, peace, happiness, I really do.

Yeah, things are gonna be fine.

Kisses to all!