Monday, May 31, 2010

Sharing...

Rabbi Zuya had so much faith that he wanted to know the divine mysteries. To do so, he decided to imitate the life of Moses.

For years he tried to behave like the prophet, but he did not obtain the results he had hoped for. One night, exhausted from so much studying, he fell asleep. In his dream, God appeared to him.

“What disturbs you so much, my son?” He asked.

“My days on Earth will end, and I am far from being like Moses,” answered Zuya, “though I have tried with all my strength, I have not succeeded.”

“If I needed another Moses, I would have created him already,” said God, “when you come before Me on Judgment Day, I shall not ask why you were not like Moses, I shall ask why you were not who you should have been. Try to be a good Zuya.”

From Warrior of the light, Issue nÂș 225

Saturday, May 29, 2010

In another space...



I am finding myself, creatively. What a shame that I have limited myself for so many years!

I am more "me" than I have ever been.

I am in a good place. Creatively and mentally.

I am happy.

P.S: I firmly beleive that if a woman is on a personal journey of finding herself or recovery, whatever it may be, having men in her life would be a great disadvantage. I advice to get rid of men during that period. (I know many can't because they have husbands already etc so you might have to make do with NOT involving him in it. Men have a tendency to enjoy telling women who they are). All the men I met while on my journey seemed to be sent for the same purpose: Destroy her, she can not get there. It is only when I purposely stayed away from those devils that things finally started rolling along. If you are serious about going on a personal journey and healing your soul, stay away from men. Avoid them like a plague. I am not saying all men are devils, but MOST are. Talking about those human beings, I have decided to stay away from them for at least another year. Lets see just how great I can be! hehehehehehe

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Things that have happened...

I love you...
The couple met each other at the entrance of the building. He was going out, she was going in. She said "you are late" as he rushed past her. He did not stop, he just kept walking fast, but he laughed. She entered the building, the door closed heavily behind her. Then as if on second thought, she opened the heavy door again and called out to him "I love you!". We both turned to look at her. Her lover, and me, the passing neighbour.

Hitting Rock bottom...
I hadn't see her for a while. I was not sure if she had been avoiding me or if she had really been busy. Now we meet at the bus stop. She had many excuses, her usual. I was calm. I had ceased to stop caring about such issues. It was up to her if she wanted to get in touch. Such things are not in my power. She said she wanted to move...again. I said quietly that shouldnt she be focusing on her various health issues instead of causing more stress for herself? She recoiled from me. What did she expect me to say? I was worried for her, yet at the back of my mind, I knew, that she was one of those women whose rock bottom is deeper than mine. In my mind, her state was rock bottom. For her, she had not even began the steep descend. I shrugged and got on my bus.

Note on bus stop
"Found bag". We would like to get in contact with you, who found our daughter's bag on bus 700! We got your number on a piece of paper from the police, but the paper has disappeared. We would be very grateful if you contact us on this number, xxxxxxxxx, or send us an sms and we will gladly call you back!
I saw this note on every single bus stop on that bus route. Amazing, what parents do for their children!

Goodbye!

"Good bye!" he said. I could not see him, but I shouted from the other wing, "goodbye"! I walked to the door, he was about to shut it behind him, I gave a small wave, "bye". He opened the door wider, and then gave me a hug. That made me smile.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

It's your world...

Chilling with music...so just sharing...



The ground beneath my feet
I know was made for me
There is no any one place where I belong.
My spirit's meant to be free

and soon now everyone will see
life was made for us to be what we wanna be!

It's your world!
It's yours and yours and yours
and what you see
was not meant for me.
It's your world
but you don't have to be lonely
'cause in your world
you are truly free!

The thoughts that fill my mind
are a very special kind
because they're home to me and me alone
.
and then I realize
that we all have a home inside
that was meant for us to be what we wanna be

It's your world
It's yours and yours and yours
and what you see
was not meant for me
It's your world
but you don't have to be lonely
Cause in your world, you are truly free!

Music of life fills my soul
Music of love makes me feel whole
as human history unfolds before my eyes.
My spirit's meant to be free
and soon now everyone's will be.
It's your right to be whatever you wanna be!

It's your world
It's yours and yours and yours
and what you see
was not necessarily meant for me

It's your world
but you don't have to be lonely
'cause in your world
you are truly free!

It's your world
It's yours and yours and yours
and what you see
It was not meant for me
It's your world
but you don't have to be lonely
'cause in your world
you are truly free!

YOU ARE TRULY FREE!
BE WHAT YOU WANNA BE!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Everything...in moderation...

An old friend from secondary school has been visiting this week, so its been a little bit of tourism...my feet hurts. They have been such great guests. Cooking, cleaning and taking care of me. Its been quite refreshing. I will miss them when they leave. I really do enjoy having a fellowship of women. It is very nice. The energy is all sweet and calm. I encourage all women to hang out with their friends and sisters. I am a bit spoiled though, cos I have two sisters, so for me, its familiar territory and one that I am used to. Plus, I went to boarding school.

Anyway, its been a fun time. They are my first real guests here and I am so glad anybody would think of visiting me. It makes me all warm inside. I am always the one visiting people. Nobody ever says "you know, waffy, I 'd like to visit you". I am always the one making an effort, so this has been quite pleasant, actually. As everybody knows, I am a bit of a loner, so its not like I really want people to be here all the time, but once in a while is good.

Something funny that happened: Well, my two guests are two extremely polite and thoughtful people. Anytime they have to do anything, its always a struggle who should do it cos they both want to help and they both want to be the one that serves. By the way, I am not talking only about them wanting to be polite to me, but it was mostly them wanting to be polite to themselves as well, and helping each other. Take a simple task like carrying a shopping bag which they had both put their stuff in...

Guest 1: Please, please, let me carry it.
Guest 2: No, no, I want to carry it, let me carry it.
Guest 1: But please, let me carry it, I want to carry it.
Guest 2: But you said your feet hurt, let me carry it.

I promise you that I observed countless scenes like these this week. While this is all very sweet, I saw immediately that this was quite inefficient in getting things done. As tourists, they were terribly at a disadvantage cos it meant there were many scenes like this:

"What would you like to do? I remember you saying you wanted to see the castle".
"But you wanted to see the city hall, lets go do that"
"But I know you talked about the castle"
"Lets do what you want to do"
"No, I would really like to go and see yours"

Now, you get my drift...for tourism, its the worst way to be...

Take the simple task of walking fast to get the bus. If one of them was tired, then the other did not want to insist that she walks fast, cos she is so considerate. Then they miss the bus, then they miss the planned excursion, etc etc.

I personally took control of the schedule today because yesterday I noticed that things were not getting done. I was brisk and thorough. No dilly dallying here. You have things to do.

Anyway, as nicely as I could, I pointed this out to them today. I told them that I really think its sweet that they are so considerate of each other's feelings, but the truth is, it does not work when two people that needs to get things done are indecisive. I suggested that one might need to become "mean". And in their world, thats simply someone that would decide after only asking what everybody thought, ONCE.

I gave them my principle in life: Anything in moderation is pretty much okay.

Its good to be polite, but in moderation. Otherwise, it just turns to inefficiency.

Now, they laughed when I said this. And what has happened now? One of the bags full of their tourist stuff is missing. I remember them having one of those scenes of "let me carry it", "no, let me carry it", "pls let me carry it" etc etc. They went on for a few minutes, and I remember asking "should I decide"? Everybody laughed but now, it is gone. They both can't remember who carried it, since they had so many scenes of such...with different bags.

Of course I sympathized but I hope they have learnt their lesseons.

Have a great weekend guys!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Until there's nothing more to live for...



Feeling inspired and happy...have a great weekend, guys.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Learning from the best....

I am learning a huge lesson at the moment about humility...HUGE. Its the best ever...and I hope you guys also learn from it...

Anytime I read a book or watch a documentary that really touches my soul, I ALWAYS try and find out the email contact where I can write the artist, to say thank you. This is because I think its very important for people to know how their work has affected you and why. Not only does it encourage artists, to know that their work is valued by all kinds of people, but it is also very important to be thankful anytime you get something beautiful. I am never shy to do these things. Artists need to know they are appreciated.

The first author that ever replied me, was Paulo Coelho. It was so huge to me then. I could not imagine that he would reply. In fact for years, I have wondered if he was the one that actually replied or some secretary. After following his blog for a couple of years now, I do believe he is the one, as he makes it a duty to read all his mails by himself and often talks about the letters he recieves from his readers.

Anyway, that one reply, encouraged me to write to anybody whose work deeply affected me. You might think thats a lot, but it isnt. Even though I read all the time, its not often you read something that makes you stop reading and have a good cry, laugh or you just simply stare...for minutes. Most of the time, when you read, you might smile, chuckle, etc, but you dont put the book down and start thinking...you know...thats what I mean. When you start thinking for a long time about something you read, then you know it got you. And thats the author you need to write to. To say, you know, I feel you...

Recently, I wrote to another artist, (I did not know he was an artist or how huge he was then). I am not going to write his name down cos I would not want to betray his trust, regarding the mails. Anyway, so I wrote to him regarding something I saw on TV that moved me beyond words. It was just something that was overwhelming and inspiring. It was easy to get a contact mail...facebook and twitter. Anyway, so I write to this person, not knowing how huge he was...at all. All I wanted to say was I enjoyed your movie because of this and that, and of course, to say thank you, for the inspiration.

To say the truth, I did not expect a reply. It was mostly for myself, to feel better that I had said "thank you", that I have done my bit in encouraging him on his journey.

The letter I wrote was quite personal, cos I wrote about why his work had affected me the way it did and I recounted a similar experience I had had.

First of all, he replied. Which is huge in itself. But then, he also wrote about something personal relating to his work and his life. Which is also huge. If I expected anything, it would have been just a line saying "thank you, I am glad you liked it, etc etc". I did not expect him to reply in such a way. My own letter was written in a very offhand way, just cos I did not expect any reply. I mostly just blabbed about many things. Like the way I do on this blog.

So of course, I had to reply again. But this time, I had googled...and WHOZAH! I almost had a heart attack...I have spent the last three days in another world. Well, this guy...incredible. Its a world of graphic art, graphic novels and music. It has been seriously exhausting finding out all these things about his world. Let us just say that in the world of graphic art in this country, he is as legendary as they come.

Anyway, so I replied telling him how exhausting it has been finding out all these things about him. Its just HUGE and I don't even know where to start cos that is not my usual familiar territory...and of course, I gave him a progress report of the other situation we had first talked about.

And then he replied, again. Giving me a list of graphic novels to begin with, introducing the novels, a bit about the people who wrote them, and of course, an introduction to his own work as well. It was a very long list and he must have really taken his time to make sure I get a full education on the subject, with personal references as well.

This guy is just too huge and too busy to take such time and care to write to me. Plus, he has a new family life...

It just blows my mind that he would do that. He did not have to...

Its just very humbling that someone with the kind of life he has, would even take time to reply an unknown human being.

Well, I guess human beings can be special. He is special. Now I am off to buy some of the books he recommended...its a whole new world for me.


P.S: I guess I do have time for anybody that wants to be friends (you know, my last blog post). If this guy can take his time to reply my useless mails, I see no reason why I can not give another human being some minutes of my time...and I am a nobody. Its not like I have so much that I am doing that I can't spare a few minutes...it will be tasking( and I am sure I will be bored out of my skull), but for the sake of the universe, I will try and be friends. God help me!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Can we be friends?

There are many ways to build foundations for friendship. Sometimes a friendship can be based on shared interests. Like two men having a love for football. They watch the games together, go to games, discuss the games, bet on games, etc etc. They might not have anything else in common, but their friendship is based on that. Some friendships are based on "fun". You might have nothing at all in common, except the ability to laugh your heads off and have a jolly good time, even in the most dire of circumstances.Some people do not need more than that, they just want someone to have fun with. Others may base their friendship on the serious task of listening. Someone that is always there, always ready to listen to your problems no matter when, or where.

There are many ways to build a friendship. Even alcohol or drugs can be something to build a friendship on.

Some might have different friends for different occasions. Like me. I have different friends for different things. The friend I go to the library with is not the same person I go to the bar with. They are two different people, but equally important to me in their own special way.

Why am I writing this post? Yes, I remember. Well, you see, I am a very open person. I talk to anybody and everybody. I listen to people. I am quite good at listening. I am also quite good at finding things in common with people. It does not matter what, if you are a human being, I will find something in common with you. I am a firm believer that all human beings have more in common than we like to think. So, I am good at finding that one thing. Even if it is your "button", yes, I once had a button like that. If its there, I will find it.

But what happens when the day comes when you meet someone that you can't find that "one" thing? What do you do? I mean, you would like to become friends but...there is just NOTHING.

That, my dear readers, is the issue at hand. You see, recently, someone quite plainly asked me, if we could be friends. I am not used to such questions. Most of my friendships have developed spontanously, without me even knowing it. Even my friendships on blogville have developed quite naturally. One minute, we are leaving comments, the next, we are chatting, then we are on the phone, then we meet, and now we are friends. I don't think anybody has ever asked me to be "friends" since primary school.

Anyway, so this person asked me to be friends. I thought it was weird to begin with, so that just made me feel awkward. Then, I think...but what can I build this new friendship on? We have no common interests, I don't know the person well enough to "crack" jokes, I don't know the person well enough to go out with...Can I really call this person " a friend"?

Now you see, normally, I would have let all this slide...well, if he wants to be friends, no wahala, we can be friends...doesnt take too much out of me, I can be generous with my time...Or can I?

The only people I make such "generous" time for are old people, lonely people, sick people, and children.

However, if you are a healthy man, with lots of friends and comrades, a good job, hobbies, everything going for you, surely, I can not be asked to give away my "reserve time?"

I REALLY don't have anything in common with this person. I tried. Please believe me I tried, I just could not find it.

Sigh...its just a pity. Perhaps this is the one person in the whole world that I might not have something in common with...just a pity.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Life... with me in it...



I have been sleeping a lot lately and thinking...

There is so much on my mind these days. Mostly, about the woman I have become.

Someone called me up yesterday and said something amusing. He said "You sound so calm". Well, I thought, I am calm. My mind is in an okay place, and I am working on getting my mind and body in balance, so I guess I am doing a good job.

I have been thinking a lot about my life and everything I have been through...its no wonder I am calm. I feel wise beyond my years and a self confidence I don't remember having. Although, I still feel lonely at times, I don't feel that nervous about life anymore. I feel happy that I have tried my best in the things I did and the choices I made. I don't think I could have have done things differently than the way I did with the knowledge I had then.

Certain things I wish had not happened. Especially since my mind and confidence was so fragile...but I guess that's what life is. You learn never to let yourself get in such situations if you know you can't handle it.

Which perhaps, is the best lesson. To know yourself so well, that you can protect yourself better if you know you are not at your best.

That of course, takes a lot of honest soul searching. And a lot of work. But I think women need that, from time to time.

I like the person I am becoming, which is a good thing. I am not so nervous anymore about how I will cope with life and all its bullshit. I think I will do pretty okay, which at the end of the day, is all I really want. To be okay.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Most interesting...

Well, I am just about to shut down my computer when I see that a friend of mine, had commented on somebody's "facebook" status. He had commented something like "I can not say I am not jealous", so automatically, my brain goes, "jealous of what?", so of course, I click on the status. The status just says "Going to X" (x is the name of a city). My brain goes "Dryyyyyy". Then, anyway, since I am on this stranger's page, I just look around, for fun. Well, seems he has a website, and I am like, well, I might as well go see whats on it. Well, you can not imagine...he must be the most interesting human being I have come across!

First, lets learn a bit about this stranger. He was born in 1978. Good year. He is doing a doctorate in theology. His politcal views: Anarchist. Religious views: Agnostic. Relationship status : Engaged to "so and so".

Interests....

Now, my friends, here we go.

Our stranger loves animals and does know a bit about guinea pig farming. In fact, he has written a couple of articles on the matter. Nice pictures of the pigs.

Music: Our stranger plays some strange kind of piano instrument, is a member in four bands. Two made up of just him and his friend. One, made up of him alone. I have listened to all his music on myspace. Not bad at all, Quite impressive. He says his band will play for beer, backgammon (they bring theirs if you dont have one), and you pay for transportation...except they can get there on bike.

Books: Gosh! I really thought there was no one, who read as much as I do. But this guy...well, he has a "Reading diary", which I have too, but mine is just a very tiny book and I mostly forget to write in it anyway! Well, well, do you think our stranger forgets? Nope. He reads, writes and even writes down quotations he enjoyed. And he reads all sorts as well. Incredible. I could not go through them all, so I jumped to the next interest.

Plants: He also enjoys growing plants, all kinds of scientific names...

Job: So, apart from this doctorate thesis, he works as an "archiver" you know, those people that work in the government...in the archives. They archive stuff...you know...(anybody that knows the correct English name for such a profession?)

Art: He takes pictures of street art. I also went through all the pictures. Impressive.

Body modification: Well, no pictures of these, but it says so in his facebook profile that he is interested in this as well. And I could see some tatoos on his picture on facebook.

Finally, my brain pauses, and asks "and who, for the love of God, can manage to steal some affection from this incredible busy human being?"

So I clicked of course, on the link of his girlfriend on facebook.

Quite a scary picture, I must say. She must be into "body modification" and all that stuff...

All in all, an interesting facebook adventure.

You belong to yesterday...

Lately, I have been thinking about you.

I wonder what you are doing? Are you thinking about me too?

When things get really bad, I often think about you. Of course, I don't have to worry, you will be right there, where you always are.

But you are not here anymore.

I almost called you yesterday.

What would I have said? That I am sick, and lonely.

What would you have said?

I did not call you though.

"Got to be hard" that's a line from a song.

"No more looking back", thats what I have to do.

I can't look back everytime I feel sad, or lonely, or sick.

You don't belong here anymore. You are no longer by my side. You can't help me anymore.

I have got to be hard.


YEP! No time for all this crap. Got to go get my eyebrows done and fix my hair. So What? Life never turns out the way we want anyway. It could be worse. I have seen worse. I know someone right now who is pregnant for the husband she hates. Now, thats a life I wouldnt want to be living. Nah. It could be worse. Enough with this sad and sick stuff. So what? Everybody gets lonely sometimes. Time to buckle up and get things done. Fuck it. Life is what it is. I can only do my best. Maybe one day I'll be free of you, but until then, got to be hard....

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Just when I was feeling lonely...

Yesterday night was terrible for me. I had the worst fever ever. The kind that makes you freeze and sweat at the same time. Like Malaria fever. I turned up the heat in my apartment. Every trip to the bathroom was torture cos it meant I had to creep from underneath my bedcovers...it was not a pretty sight. I was too feverish to even feel any pity for myself. All I wanted to do was stay underneath those covers. My lips were parched and from time to time, I would attempt to drink water from a water bottle I kept by the bed. That was not pretty either. In the early hours, the fever finally broke, with me drenching my bedsheets with sweat.

When I woke up this morning, it was already nine. My bedside was quite chaotic. A paper bag filled with used tissues, a glass filled to the brim with used tea bags, a packet of tea on the floor, an opened jar of honey, a dirty bowl with the remnants of tuna fish in it, four different books, tossed away in annoyance, a dirty spoon, throat tablets, and a packet of pain killers. All these, lay in disarray. I had also managed to change my clothes sometime in the night. I could not really remember how I had passed the night. I just remember being scared. And alone.

Just when I was feeling lonely, I opened my blog, and there were two comments on my last post that cheered me up immensely! Thanks, Anengiyefa and "anonymous".

And then, my sister called and I told her all about my feverish night. We had a good chat, and I felt better when she said she would call me every hour so I don't feel scared.

Then I got a text from an old secondary friend reminding me of her visit sometime in the month.

Then I got a phone call from a family friend in Warri who calls in from time to time to check on me. Strange that he should call today of all days.

Then my mum called.

Then my neighbour dropped by with the left over cake from her kid's birthday birthday.

And now I don't feel so alone anymore.

I am grateful to the universe for always providing me with what I need, when I need it.

Hope you are all having a great weekend. Peace and love.

P.S: I had at first written "rest over" cake...hehehehehee...thats funny...I think I just directy translated.I kept staring at those two words, I knew there was something not quite right about it. I just finally realized that of course it has to be "left over" not "rest over"!