I am back on the rat wheel. My days start by 6 every morning and end at 7 when I get home. Life as I have known it until now has been one struggle after another, dissatisfaction, never really where I want to be, always struggling so hard for the next phase, the next thing, never quite getting there...the years roll by.
I have been growing up all this while, lesson after lesson, going through the fire, taking it all in, never cowering away, walking through the mud, the shit.
Have others had it as hard as I have? Did others learn these lessons, pain free? Did everybody else grow up with minimum hurt and pain? Or have I always been the one taking life's knocks so hard?
I wake up knowing that there will be snow outside. My little home is cozy and warm...I kick the empty carton of pizza by my bedside and put on the radio. Its is 5 o'clock. No need to rush. I go back to bed, lie down and put on the TV. Something about a murder. As usual. This one was gruesome. A pregnant woman hacked to death. First, the husband was a suspect, then the neighbour...the neighbour was the husband's lover. Anyway, as I dozed off and on, I never really knew who had hacked the poor woman to death. With an axe!
It is 6 now and I take a shower while brushing my teeth. I don't have any clothes set out for the day but the snow outside dictates that it will be "boots" day. I lazily put on my cloths and make my bed. I lock my door by 7 and cross the street to wait for the bus.
My sense of well being and purpose in life has come as a surprise to me. One day I am writhing in anxiety and nervousness and the next, I am drinking a glass of wine with my meal, sorting through old stuff and sleeping early.