"What will they say?"

I always find it extremely hard to understand how so many people continue to suffer in situations mainly because of the social consequences that come with getting out of that particular situation.  I understand people who for economical reasons choose to stay on in a job or relationship that they hate. I wouldn't do it but I understand it. Money for many people is extremely important and many people do get a sense of security from having wealth.

Anyway, so people stay on in extremely hard situations because of all kinds of reasons. The one reason I will never understand though is the worrying about the social aspect. As in, leaving a relationship might mean losing out on some of the social shit people do as couples together. You know, the dinners and all that crap. In Nigeria, it would be all those functions one attends as a couple, weddings, burials, birthday parties and what not. Being a couple guarantees you an invite for many couple related activities. Many people get out of relationships and lose many friends. This happened to me a couple of years ago when I got out of mine. I suddenly found myself totally alone. Till today, many of the people I thought were my friends I have never met again. Its a very strange thing but my logic is, people who are only your friends because you are part of a "couple" were never your friends anyway, so losing them to me was not really a loss. How can you lose what you never had? I was not so worried either about peoples reactions to leaving a stable and secure situation. My biggest problem in life has always been what I think about me. I had lost my own respect my being a part of something that I did not believe in. It has taken me years to forgive myself.

"What will they say?" First of all, who the fuck are "they"? Is it the neighbor? is it that woman in your church? Is it your husband's best friend's wife? Is it the gate man and the house maid? Is it your colleagues at work? Who, out of all these people, is controlling your life? Be specific,  who amongst these people are you willing to die for?  Cos in essence you are not living your life for yourself, you are living for them so you might as well offer yourself to them. Cut an arm, give a liver.

If you are unwilling to die for any of those people who are "they" then I suggest you start living for yourself.

Just normal stuff...

I have been down to the laundry room. There are no available slots. I have missed my time slot three times this week. I often think I will wake up super early to go to the gym and do my laundry.

I am not so successful.

In my bid to get my writing back on track, I am now forcing myself to write here again. So some pieces might not be meaningful. In fact, useless and worthless.

My bicycle is outside. I don't think it will survive another winter.

There are many things to think about. I am not as strong as I thought I was. A bit too sensitive and I hurt easily.

The year is coming to an end and I have to say that even though the first half of the year was really, bad,this second part has not been totally rubbish. Still fucked but not really really bad.

I met a random woman yesterday who said to me  "You think having children will be the best thing ever and then you have them and realize that they are are going to disturb you all day long"....

I met her at the library...it was closed. So I sat on a bench and ate my lunch. She arrived, I told her it was closed and she just starts talking to me about all kinds of stuff. I am a polite person so I listen but in the end she was becoming more and more animated and all worked up especially when she started talking about children...

It was like a confession.

I noticed she was working towards the metro, I was going that way too but the prospect of listening to more talk of her life situation was not so appealing so I decided to take the bus instead.

I did not feel guilty at all. I put on some music and watched the rain fall.