Thoughts @ 40

“Step away from the ledge Sylvia" a friend said to me. And I did, I truly did.

Yeah, “growing up” is a shit phase.  It has not been fun at all but hey, it had to be done. My brain has been analysed by me over the years and every corner, thoroughly inspected. Sometimes, I was convinced I must clearly, be mad. In fact, I have considered many times turning myself in and saying “Look, I don’t get this world. These things happen and I don’t get it. I give up, I am done”. I have considered joining a monastery, I mean, how hard can it be to be a nun? All I have to do is pray and sleep and best of all, I never have to pay any bills. I am telling you, it has been a serious option. I have considered just disappearing, packing up and moving to a deserted Island, I die when I die.
Yeah, I didn’t do any of that. I am here.

Before I grew up, I fretted about goals not achieved, all the shit I thought I wanted to do.  I was constantly on the ledge. Always about to dive into one anxiety or the other. Constantly worried about myself. “What are you going to do Sylvia? How will you cope in this world? You are clearly not equipped to handle this, you will fuck up, as usual”

Ah! But you see, over the years I found out I was not as fragile as I thought I was. Turns out I am quite a strong person. Looking back over my life, now lived half way, I am impressed by my survival skills. “So this is you Sylvia? I ask myself.

And I smile. Yes, this is me.

I am still stumbling through life and what can I tell you? Every day that begins surely must end. And yes, as cliché as it sounds, one has to take each day as it comes. Do what you have to do today and tomorrow is another day. It works for me.
So who am I at 40? I am a strong woman. Made many mistakes, forgave myself and just kept on going and will keep on until you all hear I am in an asylum or monastery J.

Hallelujah!