If the cap fits...

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense"

- Tom Clancy


"Waffy, look, just bone up. You hear me? Fuck everything, you are strong, you can do this, bone up...you hear me?"

That was my sister.

"Waffy, toughen up, you have been through worse, you know where you are coming from, toughen up"

That was my friend, Emeka.

"Buckle up, my friend!"

That was my mother.

"You need a strategy"(strategy said with a french accent)

That was my brother.

"Abeg, life is not that hard"

My other sister.

"When I get a good job, you can get anything you want, as far as I can pay in installments"

My other brother.(Yes,it did make me feel better!)


Everything now seems hilarous to me(at the end of the day, the line is quite thin). I mean, sometimes life is so absurd that one do nothing but laugh about just how deliciously ridiculous things are.

Come on, there must be more to life than acting this role that I am expected to. I mean, who gave me that particular role anyway? I did not get any memo saying "waffy, this role has been made specifically to suit your character". I don't even know what this theatre show is about anyway, how am I expected to act my part?

Nahhhhhhhh, y'all just go ahead and have a good time. I'll observe from the sidelines and when I see a part that might suit me, I'll jump right in!

Until then, I intend to treat every thing as if it was meant to be laughed at.

I am all "boned up".

P.S: Don't bother making sense of this post, I can't either. But the point is , I am now "hard core"...you know, untouchable...

I am cool!

Okay, check this out. I am not weird, funny or strange....somebody actually thinks I am super cool! Okay, she did not say "super" but she did say I am cool! Thanks Sandrine.

If you know say u dey feel dis groove, somebody say OH YEAH!

Abeg, feel this groove...

(sorry oh, na only link i fit do, i no fit put up the video)

Okay, I dey update!

Catwalq, thank you for giving me topics to choose from because I swear to God, I no even know wetin I be wan write. So I choose "Obama is in!" and for your information, that post was written after a night of insomnia and not after a night of illegal organic substances....thanks for your faith in me. Okay, Okay, I lie...it was after a night of vodka, not as bad as you thought ehn?

Obama is in and all I could think about during the inauguration was how terribly sorry I am for my own country. I just felt ashamed for my county and...INSPIRED to do something about those rotten human beings that won't let us have our own obama. But not to worry, change is coming, I swear, if I no give speech like Obama, I no go rest. Haba! I must give speech. Just once, just once on a podium somewhere, even if na for my papa village, even if nobody dey understand wetin I dey yarn, I must give speech.

As you can see, I have absolutely nothing to write about. My life is at a standstill at the moment. I have now become one of those people you see who stares absent mindedly in bus stops and train stations. My phone ringing gives me high blood pressure and my mailbox makes me nervous.

My only joy these days is the thought of playing wii and thrashing all my opponents. Perhaps wii will give me back my joy in life? Who knows?

As for heart issue, Oh Lordy! Somebody give me a heart of stone cos my useless heart is not capable of behaving itself. It is a burden on my soul.

Hope you are all good?

Lots of love, jare.

Life must move on....hisssssssssssssssss!

It's alright!

Lovers or friends
Let loose or get close
I ain't got no where to go
I ain't got no one waiting
We can do it all night
or just for the moment
Get inspired for the day or forever
Anything you want, I am game
Play the game or do it right,
anything you want baby, it's alright!

Never too old for "Hotel California"....

My friend Valentina was here for the New Year. I met her by the train station. I haven't seen in six years. I hugged her like I saw her yesterday. Her hair is now all the way down her back. It has really been six years!"Its all the way down your ass!" I scream with surprise. She hates it. She can never do anything with it. We decide to go to a pub. We get beer like we used to when we were 19 and broke.She asks me if that's really what I want. What I really want is a glass of white wine but I feel like I am 19 again....and broke. We comment briefly on the dingy state of the pub...and then proceed to talk about the only thing she wanted to talk about..."old age".She reminds me of when we used to go to the "scottish pub" and laugh at all the women..."what's she doing here? old cargo!" and we'll laugh in our drunken states. Then we'll proceed to the next stop which was always dancing to "Gypsy kings" or "Abba"...every Saturday night, the same thing. She tells me she always tells everybody I met the great love of my life dancing to bamboleo. She is devastated about turning thirty. "I am old!" she says.

"We are old! Like those women we used to laugh at!". I drink my beer and get another. She asks me if I do not care. "Why should I? I can't wait for it to be all over, frankly speaking, the sooner, the better. I am not so fond of life" I say. She hisses at me.She invites me back to a country I left six years ago. She paints a very appealing picture. Just the two of us, hitting the pubs, laughing like maniacs and eating noodles in the mornings, then she spoils it all by saying "we are fucking old!"

She doesn't look old. She is beautiful. We laugh, drink and gossip about everybody we know. Our lives are all different. Just one person got married among the old group."Its because he is catholic" she says. He married "the Bulgarian girl". I have no idea who that is. I am still recovering from the shock of not seeing the woman I thought was his "great love" beside him in those pictures. I tell her I almost had a heart attack. "Everybody is getting old, of course he has to get married". I explain that the heart attack was not for the marriage but for the woman. She says the woman I know has not been in the picture for years. I sigh.

Then we drink some more and she tells me that I should come for a visit. We'll do the pubs...and this time, the young girls will laugh at us.

She is impressed I do not smoke anymore, I am impressed that she does. I stand outside with her in the cold as she smokes. For a moment, I thought I would cry but I don't. I hug her like I will see her tomorrow and I walk home, humming "Hotel California" all the way. I wonder if she still knows all the words...she always sang along when it came on. Everybody did.

Happy New Year, now unto other matters...

I now think I have been in this city long enough. I think I am now a regular at the "food and wine" shop around the corner. He (the man at the counter) now automatically gives me my regular phone card without asking what I want. Rude man. And a little smile won't hurt, for crying out loud! I am dreading checking for return flights, the customs officers and the loud Ryan air staff.

Now that I think about it, is it me or is flying "Ryan air" like being on some sort of "all in one" bazaar/bonanza/circus ? I almost had a heart attack when the plane landed and some "horn" came on( the kind of horn that would announce the second coming of Christ) and announced that we had arrived "on time" and something about Ryan air always being on time bla bla bla. What the fuck? Aren't they supposed to be on time? I kinda took that for granted. And then the air hostesses screaming as they pass by "sandwich/tea/something to drink/coffee" and then with these huge ugly dustbin bags "rubbish? rubbish?", then they announce like 15 times about their special sales for their tax free stuff (they actually call out all the names of their perfumes!) and then just as I think that is not bad enough, somebody starts selling lottery tickets? Phew! Oh and lest I forget, there are advert cards all over the over head compartments, colourful stuff. Okay, now I am done.

Anyway, so thinking about Ryan air is not helping matters at all. I woke up early today, determined to get some writing done but the voice on the TV is driving me nuts and my mum seems to be having a good time listening to the voice. She looked up a couple of times and said "I know I am disturbing you". I smiled and lied through my teeth "Not at all", I said, and went to the other room. Now my brother is here telling me for the umpteenth time the same thing. Something about me not telling him I had no money on my phone. Apparently he wants to use my phone and is disappointed I have no money on it. Well, he did ask me if he could use my phone and I said "sure". He has now left and I do not not feel like writing anymore.

I hope you all had a great New Year. I did. I danced, drank, laughed and drank some more.

Now, I can hear someone talking about "tray" and 'balance"(somebody wants food on a tray? I wonder what that is about...)

I need to check for those flights....

Oh, and is it me or is there anybody else that won't mind "sauce kid"? Cos I don dey dream of am these days with hot sauce for im body...