It's not as if...

I wish sometimes, I could be like you. Smile, shake hands and pretend I know why I am doing what I am doing... but I am not you. Most times, I have no idea what I am doing. I wake up each day, knowing that I can only be me. I just live my life and I do not understand you and your handshakes and phony smiles. Yesterday, you opened your eyes wide when you told me something. I don't remember what it is now because I don't always listen. Most times, my mind drifts above your words and I see just the top of your head. I make tracks on your head and pretend that ants are carrying pieces of sugar from one end to another. You finished talking, you made your final point. I did not say anything. I drank my coffee and imagined you were from another planet and those tracks on your head had now become trenches...I poured my coffee in and watched it slowly sip in...It's not as if I do not have better things to think about, but sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder what exactly is underneath your scalp...when you smile like that, shake hands like that...

Happy Sunday!

Hello fellow bloggers,

I miss you all and wish I had the time and energy to go round and say hi to everybody, but I have no time and if I did, I would probably spend it sleeping.

I hope you are all good and I wish you all lots of love and peace in your hearts this sunday.

Take care of yourselves.

Back to writing...

I need to manage my time properly so I can do more writing. I need to be more disciplined. Before, I always had the time but never "felt like", then I always "felt like" but never had the time. Well, time to grow up. I spent the last days just sleeping, eating and watching tv. Yeah, I had some days off, which I really needed. I actually thought I would faint from exhaustion. I cried once at work cos I was frustrated that I was always tired. I really could not get my mind or body to move in any direction at all. I kept thinking I would somehow find energy that I did not have...so, I just did what I always do when I don't know what to do, "baff, eat and sleep". So thats what I did, I spent my days doing nothing and now I feel quite good. I think my major problem is organising my time so I can get everything I want done.

Anyway, hope you all have a good weekend,

Love,
waffy

The time was 5:45...

and it was still dark. I had to get to the train station and there were only two possibilities. Walk through the "short cut" or walk through the long way round. Both were equally depressing. I live on top of some sort of hill. When I got this apartment, I was desperate and the fact that it was a bit far from the city did not deter me. I was desperate. I mean, it was described as one of those new environmental friendly buildings...I could learn to sort my thrash, I thought. Sorting coloured bottles from white can be a bit tasking...but I could learn. On a hill? a small hill? Not so bad, the exercise will do me good. Near the woods? Thats okay too, perhaps nature will help in healing my broken heart.

Now it is 5:45 and it is dark, and my two options are depressing. The first one, my short cut...cut in the middle of a forest, it is a path which is meant for only pedestrians. In the summer, I enjoyed walking through it but now it is winter, and these days, I see all kinds of nollywood figures lurking about. The second option is not so bad, I basically have to walk down the road the bus uses...but is is dark and quite lonesome....and the sidewalk is right beside the forest, which means, I have to walk right in the middle of the road, which I often do.

My problem with this forest/woods business started after I saw one of those reconstructed real life criminal files or whatever they are called.

Basically, for 8 years, a rapist went crazy in a small town.He would not only brutally rape the women, but he would beat them up as well. He was just a nasty human being.

Now, here is the begining of the reconstruction I watched...

There is an empty road, a bit foggy...and then, all of a sudden, you see a fence, and a man jumping over it. Then he walks to the empty road and just stands there, right in the middle...then a car slowly drives up...he walks to it, opens the door and enters. Apparently, its his wife picking him up.


(Now, why is it that people in small towns, always have to pick up friends and acquaintances in obscure locations? Why can't they just pick them up in front of the town hall, or church, or local pub or whatever it is that they have there? But no, I am sure this is how the conversation goes when they need to pick up someone...

"Should I pick you up at Carl's?"

"Isn't that a long way off for you?"

"Yes it is"

"What if I walk across Larry's farm, then jump over the fence of that huge wasteland and then you pick me up on that closed road that we used to play when we were kids?"

"Oh yeah, I know it. Thats much better, I will meet you there then. Right beside the lake where Elizabeth almost drowned the summer we were in scout camp")

Then the car drives off...and he is in bed, images of what he has done just keeps flashing...a woman screaming for all she is worth, he drags her by the hair, from a path beside the woods...it is not even concealed, quite open, he keeps punching her in the face and when she is all bloody and messed up, he starts raping her...she screams and screams...

I just can't get that image out of my head, the sidewalk...the path...forest...middle of road...

And standing by the bus station is just as bad. I have never met anybody going to work at that time.

I don't even want to tell you how bad it is when I get home late at night. I now walk from side to side...like I have something between my legs. I pretend that I am a man.Ussssssssssssssssssssssssssssssscccccccccccch!