Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Streets, no destination, smash, etc.

I had a strong urge to pick my laptop up and smash it against my wall. I wanted to see it shatter, fall to pieces all around me. I call this the "smash your laptop demon". Once, a friend of mine told me how sometimes he has a need to just delete his facebook account. He would wake up so irritated that all he could think about was just not wanting to be on facebook. He used to say it was some kind of demon that would be awakened in him. In my case, its my laptop. On some days, I just hate seeing it. Everything would be so disgusting that I would just want to smash something...and the only thing that ever catches my eye is my laptop. I would begin to fantasize about seeing the pieces all around me. How would they look? would I need to use a lot of energy or would just flinging it across the room do the trick? The funny part of this, is that my laptop is my life. I would probably die if one day, I woke up and it refused to start. I use it all the time, I have so much in it. So many unfinished manuscripts...plays, novels, novellas, short stories, diaries, poems, all sorts. I would definitely be seriously devastated if anything happened to my laptop. So why do I have this terrible need to destroy it?

On such days, I just leave the building as fast as I can and walk and walk and walk...

Until the knot in my heart loosens and I begin to breathe again.

Most of the time, I never have any destination. Like today. First, I thought I would walk to the nearby library and read a book or something. When I got there, I realised the knot still hadnt loosened so I decided to take the metro to another library. When I got there, I realised I had forgotten my password for the computers there and according to the woman at the desk, "the IT guy" was not around. All of a sudden, I did not feel like being there anymore, so I decided to walk some more. I walked and walked and ended up lost. The only thing to do was return from whence I came. This irritated me some more. Why don't I have any sense of geography? Its a disadvantage in life. I can't read maps properly, I have no sense of direction. I finally found my way back to the library and then took the road I knew back to the metro. I thought I was going home but half way, I decided that I wanted to buy a new note book for writing. I got it into my head that I would start writing by hand again, maybe then I would not want to smash my laptop. I went into the book shop I normally buy books from but everything they had was terribly ugly. So I jumped back on the metro and went a couple of stops until I found another bookshop. I found a blue nice book. I decided I wanted to start writing in it immedeately so I went to another library nearby. When I got there, I could not write. I had no pen. So I sat down and read a book instead.

By the time I left that library, I had been gone six hours...

At least, my laptop survived and I am happy to see it once again.

Lets hope the "smash your laptop demon" does not rear its ugly head once again...



7 comments:

Jaycee said...

Are all your documents backed up on an external drive (or a jump drive)? Please do. In case of anything, you'd want your important docs safely tucked away.

The Corner Shop said...

Please oh! Back up. But me that i'm advicing i haven't either. And i would simple DIE if anything happened to it. You should get a toy laptop to be smashing lol!!

Adiya
P.S I am so bad with directions it is unbelievable!!!

Myne Whitman said...

I had the exact same thought as Jaycee and Adiya. Please copy your files to an external drive o. Smashing demon or not, you really need to do that.

Longsufferer said...

lol...by an external hard drive then you can smash the laptop..as often as you want.

Patrice said...

Your computer is bound to fail one day. Make sure you regularly backup the files on it that you can't live without onto an external drive or memory stick.

That song, Under The Bridge, is about loneliness and addiction. Why did you choose it for this post?

Waffarian said...

Hello girls! thanks, will definitely do so! Thanks for caring.

@Adiya: Good to know someone else that is bad with directions. lol. Everybody I know are great with maps and stuff.

@Patrice: Well, I have always liked that song exactly because it captures a certain kind of
"state of mind" whether thats brought by addiction (or a state of mind that might even lead to addiction) or other circumstances...

for me, its more about isolation...and having that state of mind where you feel alone...you have no connection with anybody and there is no one out there...then you turn to writing...but that writing process makes you feel even more lonely...


So you go out so you won't be "alone" and the only way not to be alone is to just walk through the city or something...

You find "community" with stangers, the streets you know, the shops you are familar with, restaurants, libraries...etc.

I like the song. I can relate to it.

Ginger said...

Sista, please o dont smash the lap-top. you'll definitely regret it. think of the cost of replacing it? Break glass or something innocouous.

I loved that song when it was re-sang by All Saints. Maybe cause it had this more intense sound.