Second, third, fourth, chances...chances...

I swear I won't fuck up this time, I swear, I swear, I swear.

I will do all that I am supposed to do.

I will pay my bills. I will return my books back to the library.

I will clean my room.

I will do my laundry.

I will do everything I am supposed to do.

I will finish my research papers.

Let me have this last chance, please, please, please.

I swear I won't fuck up this time around.

Somewhere else.

The wind was mild, the sun, shining. Lovers holding hands.

I walked behind them, taking in all the sights. The fishermen were offloading their fish and people were buying them all, straight from the net.

I stopped to stare.

"Do you want to buy some to take home?" my brother asked.

It was tempting.

"Nahhhhh. I can't be bothered" I replied.

He walked ahead, speaking with his girlfriend. She was laughing and holding his hand.

A guy jogged past without a shirt, sweating and making some strange hand movements, spontaneously, I jogged behind him, imitating his movements. I got a few laughs from the people around.

There is still so much I haven't seen in the world, I thought. So much. Where are all those ships going?

When we got to the beach, I took off my shoes and lay down.

"You are like a lizard, soaking up the sun" my brother said, taking a drag of his cigarette.

"Ehhhn, let it be. I don't care". I replied.

"You should put your feet in, its good for the blood circulation" he said.

I did that for a while and got bored. Then I lay down again.

"You would stay here all day if you could" he said.

"I would". I replied, my eyes closed.

A woman was sun bathing in a bikini. She seemed so confident. Her man kept talking pictures of her while she struck different poses.

What confidence! I thought. She was overweight.

"We should go now" my brother said.

I got up reluctantly. So much to see in the world, so much to do.

Very adult like...

I covered my ears with my hands and closed my eyes, from far away, I could hear the shrieks, prayers and the babies crying and the plane was still rocking terribly but I had forced my mind into meditation..... metta, metta, metta, metta.......

Suddenly I felt two hard slaps on my arm, I got out out of  my trance in shock.

"Its okay now" the old lady sitting beside me said.

I looked around. Yes, it seemed to be peaceful. For how long had been out of it? Rocking myself like a lunatic?

"Just a little turbulence" she said

I did not reply, I stared into the dark clouds forcing myself back into reality.

Just 15 minutes more, just 15 minutes more.....

"Just a little turbulence indeed!" that's why people were holding unto each other and crying....

Was I really prepared to die?  Would I have accepted death without fear? I would not want to die in fear. My heart was still racing...

"Are you visiting someone?" the woman was trying hard to get me out of my mind...

"A mini holday" I replied. "And you?"

"Oh, we have a boat there, we are going to sail this month and June"

"Oh thats really fine, really fine. You are going to have a fine time"

"I hope so " she say.

Why do I keep saying "fine?" not wonderful, or nice, or great, but "fine"?

But my language skills had now reversed to my mother tongue. All other languages had sort of disappeared with fear.

The plane landed.

"Thank you" I say to her. She knows what I am thanking her for.

"No problem" she says and rubs my hand.

I walk confidently away with my backpack like a confident adult. Yes, I am adult, I can handle all sorts of crisis, I am super.