Train thoughts...

...I have twenty minutes...the train comes in twenty minutes...

In twenty minutes, I could get a sandwich or a fruit...a fruit would be nice. Like a water melon, red, dripping, juicy...water every where, running down my chin...but there are no fruit stands here...what about something salty? with Ketchup? Like chips? Chips with ketchup? That can be good. A burger will be way too much. All that meat, clogged up in the intestines and the bread...ewwwwwwww...on such a hot day? Maybe, I should ditch the train and look for the water melon? Nah...then I'd get home late...better to get it over with. Chips can be good. Its salty and takes a while to finish...I can observe human beings while I eat...

Hmmm...so many people eating burgers? In this heat? Ewwwwwwwwwww....yes, just chips. Large. and Sprite. Sprite Zero. Yeah, thats healthy enough. No need to over do it and drink water with chips...

Now, lets see...interesting couple...ohhhh, they are so in love...oh, lovey, love, lovey...assholes. Lets look at someone else...

Quite dry...no interesting characters today...whats the world coming to? Just mediocre humans all over the place! Where are the weirdos? the eccentrics that make the world exciting? Where are the people who talk to strangers? By the way, If I may, I mentioned the other day, to the guy sitting across me, that the colours of his shoes were really nice! (purple and blue and something...sea blue...turquoise...whatever) and what did he do? He kept squirmishing on his seat, looking so uncomfortable, like I was going to rob him of his shoes! What an idiot!...

Now the train is here...no characters in here either...ah! teenagers! I have a head ache already...time to read my book...

Surreal...

I am on holiday!!!!!!!!!!!

I am doing my "crack dance" which is basically the same way this guy in Boney M dances...its basically just going nuts and moving your body in whatever direction suits you...

P.S: I am gonna get so high on life...somebody hold me back!

Chilling...its 10:17...nothing on TV...football sucks...

Facebook...AGAIN!

I was busy minding my business online, replying mails and clicking on links when someone began to chat with me. I say "someone" cos I dont consider the person a friend, acquintance or anything. He happened to have gone to the same school with me and therefore, he is on my page. No big deal. I am usually polite enough to say hi back if I am online. Also, if I have time and I am not so busy, I don't mind chatting a bit. However, these days, even when I am online, I do not really have that kind of time anymore cos I always have so much to do when I am on my computer.

But back to the story: I am online, minding my business. This guys starts chatting with me. For some reason, I am quite sure I have had that same conversation with him before. I am almost 90% sure of it. Its the usual start up conversation, how are you? where are you? what do you do? etc etc, you know the drill. Anyway, as usual (as is with all Nigerian conversations with ANYBODY at all, somehow, no matter how you steer the conversation, the fact that you are 31, a woman and not yet married causes everybody great stress in their own lives) the conversation gets to the part where I do not have a husband....

BOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO....

Now, I let him say whatever he wanted to say. Truth is, I was not really interested cos I dont even know this person in the first place, so whatever.

Then, he gets to the part where he says that all one can do is pray to God for a partner, etc, you know, the usual.

I then make a comment, which was simply "thats assuming one wants a partner"

(I am so sick of people putting their own life values on me. Why would anyone make an assumption like that? What if, I do not want a partner cos I only have six months to live and might die anytime? What if I just lost a husband? What if, I just had an accident and my legs just got cut? After all, he knows NOTHING about my life...what if I am a lesbian? Come on!)

Back to the story... so, I make this comment,"thats assuming one wants a partner", and then he says that so he takes it that I am not interested in having a partner.

and then he asks:

"WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT IN LIFE, WAFFY?"

Now, I had to look at the question again and calm myself cos I was ready to explode! First, let us analyse this irritating bullshit question...

Now, the fact that he asks me this question just because I make a general comment about his "assumptions" reveals his way of thinking...

a) Because I do not have a partner, that means I am looking for something in life.
b) Because I do not have a partner, must mean that I want something in life (which of course, I am yet to find)
c) All those that are now married, must have found the meaning of life. Therefore, they search no more. They now know what they want.

Okay, lets forget about the stupidity of his reasoning...even thinking about this kind of reasoning irritates the hell out of me...lets go to the best part.

Now, lets say, really, I am thinking about what I really want in life, why the hell would I tell somebody that I hardly know?

a) He is not my closest friend that I just got drunk with and now we are talking about "deep" stuff.
b) He is not a psychiatrist that I went to for help in finding out the meaning of life.
c) I am not in church or any other religious gathering where ministers enjoy asking such "fundamental" shit...
d) AM I ON OPRAH????


Anyway, after all these thoughts raced through my mind in perhaps two or three seconds, all I said to him was that since he did not know me, I did not think such a question was appropraite since I did not ask for any kind of help. Secondly, such a question was not for him to ask me, but for me to ask myself, thats assuming I am "wanting" something in life...

But the best part is this:

Men really have such huge fucking egos. Why the hell does he think he can ask me, such a question?....ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

Now, I am done.

6:48...

I am off today...I told a friend I'd have breakfast with her. Why do I say these things? Now, I just want to sleep! Who wants to wake up and visit another person for breakfast??? How do I get myself into such situations? I just wanna sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! Anyway, gonna go shower now. When is a good time to go to somebody's house for breakfast? I don't even know!

P.S: I dreamt that I rented beach house somewhere and when I got there, they had not changed the sheets. All the rooms looked like somebody had just rolled out of bed.

I just want to sleep...

Being Nigerian...

Being Nigerian is not easy especially when it involves sitting amongst Nigerian men who are ALL football analysts. In my midst, sat coaches, players, technical advisors, water boys, reserves, etc. Every one hurling one thing or the other at the TV screen. The host of the day, in his Ngerian T shirt, kept us fed and drunk. At least, I got drunk. There was really nothing to do but amuse myself with the anthropological study of men and football. However, I have to admit that I did get into the game as well. I managed to shout a few times with excitement so I am quite satisfied with my contribution.

I was driven home which must have been a good thing cos I dont remember the drive.

I just woke up. It is 3:43 am. I have a message on my phone that says :"I got home safely. Nice to see you again. Good night". It must have been the nice guy that drove me home...

Please Lord, I hope I did not run my mouth too much in that drive. Even if I did, I hope I did not speak in a condenscending way to the man. Also, I really hope I did not laugh in a mean way at anything he said or did as I am wont to do when drunk...

P.S: and also Lord, let Jaycee not get disappointed with my liquor habits...

Somebody say Amen...

Saturday...

It is a windy day...I can smell rain in the air...nothing seems really real. I think about many things...I wondered if I could ask someone I know, a question: "what do you do when you feel unreal?". I wonder what answer he'll give.

Its a windy day...and I am thinking of many things.

Sunset....

Trippy writing...

Uhuh...yep, that's right. Its 12:09 on a Tuesday and I am on another level...don't blame me, bob does it for me...

What I am thinking about...

How are you feeling?: Damn trippy!

So, you are happy?: Am I? Is this what happiness is?

Maybe you are just high: On life?

You are not in love, are you?: With who?

Oh, okay, maybe you are in love with yourself! You are feeling pretty cool with yourself, aren't you? Thinking you are all that?: Yep! I am super cool!

Is that how you feel?: I am pretty cool, I am telling you...

I think this is what is called "not giving a shit": You mean this style of writing?

Yep, its fucking ridiculous! Stop writing like you are on crack!: Ok!

I Used to Love Him...

Do you know that there was once a man in my life?
Do you know that sometimes I would think of only him?
Do you know that sometimes I would dream of only him?
Do you know that I would have done anything for him?

But it does not make any difference anymore

Because that was when I used to love him...

Alternative..

This weekend: Spent time time with people who live very differently from I do. One was preparing to go camping for two days in nature...so it was all about getting the back pack ready with stuff. Frying pan, water, sleeping bags, it was quite interesting. Two days all alone in the forest...I asked if one could take a book along, but was told taking a book might not be so necessary cos there will be a lot of walking, hiking involved, etc. It was quite interesting. Then somebody else showed me a collection of games. The lives of people that play games...quite fascinating.

There is really no way to live life but to do the things you love to do. And sometimes, it just means that you might have to be a bit "alternative" which is okay.

I mean, basically, somebody looking into my life might be quite amused with my many strange interests, the same way I was amused observing the arrangements for going camping in the wild.

Its not the life everybody will be able to relate to, but its mine. Its not the usual but its mine.

As I got off the train and another backpacker joined the troupe, I felt kinda mellow...

Everybody must live their lives and do the things they love to do, even if its the "alternative"...

There are really no "rules" on how life is supposed to be lived. No rules at all...we just have to do what we can to make life worth the fucking trip.

Hiding...

I have been so blessed to meet many beautiful people in my life. I wish I could do so much more for the many great people that have touched my life in so many ways but it always feels like I am never enough...and then I just want to hide away because it feels like I can never fully express my feelings to them...

I am thinking of two people now...

One of them knows I love him so much but it feels like I am never there...

The other does not really know how much he has meant to me. He is in a very sad place now, he just lost somebody that means a lot to him and I just feel like nothing I say will be enough to help...

I wish they would just know that I am there...I think about them a lot, but I just don't know what to do, sometimes...

Sometimes, I am brave and say all these things, and sometimes I just don't know how...so I hide away...

Now I am leaving my bed.

Have a good weekend guys!

Makes me smile...

Its incredible how many of my friends remember how nice my dad was...anytime I find my old friends on facebook, the first thing they do is to say how sorry they are about my dad and how they remember him.

Its really incredible that almost everybody that met him as a child with me, remembers how gentle he was, with us. Also, that he was a serious joker. In his eyes, I was perhaps the funniest person on earth. I could crack him up with my silly moves...I think he was the first person that ever thought I was funny...

Today, a lady who I knew as a child found me on facebook after many years. She left Nigeria when I was still in primary school. The first thing she talked about was how gentle my dad was...even old students from my secondary school that met him, often talk about him in that light. Even though it makes me so sad when people ask about him, still, it makes me smile when they start talking about how kind he was to them or when they remember how he was with us...

When I was a kid, I used to drum on my father's stomach...and put my ear to it so I could hear the different sounds coming from it...

I really hope fathers know how much they affect their children...please give them beautiful memories cos thats all I have now, memories and I am so happy that they are good ones and not bad ones...

I have stopped counting the years since he has passed...even now, I still cry when I think about him...I wish I could be a kid again and hear him laugh at my "entertainment show" I used to put up...with my mother going crazy and screaming at me to stop my stupidity and my father cracking up cos I just go on and on, nonstop madness...

Nobody laughs like that when I am being silly...everybody just thinks I am irritating...

`Tired...

It is 5:59...I have to go to work...I feel so tired. Exhausted. I feel exhausted, like I really can not make it today. I have no idea what to do. I am going to take a shower but I am really so tired...