In my head...

3:20 am, 27th of Feb, 2010...

My heart is beating very fast.

I actually think I am done.

But can it be?

It's surreal.

Olga.

Olga works in the small shop nearby. I go into her shop almost everyday on my way home. I buy small things. Some sweets. Noodles. A bar of soap. But my favourite thing to buy there is cider.

Olga always seems so alone in this small shop.

Today, I asked her about the different phone cards she had on display and we got a chance to chat.

She is from Russia. Her husband who I often see in the shop is from Syria. They have been married for 26 years. They are both engineers and her husband studied for his Phd in Russia and thats how they met. They moved to the Ukriane first before moving here. They have one son who attends the technical University, also studying to be an engineer.

This is how life is, she said. She says her husband regrets studying for so many years and now...this is what it has come to. A small shop. She never thought this would be her life, but this is what it is now. This small shop. She is happy she did not waste so much time studying...like her husband.

Well, there you have it.

My favourite inspiration...

Spending all weekend writing.

Feels good. I am in the zone these days. But it has not been easy to get into the zone. I have needed lots of motivation to get me here.

My favourite inspiration sent me this some months ago to help me through my dark hours. And believe me, my dark hours are indeed dark. It has become perhaps the only thing that keeps me going when I am tempted to give up.

Two days left and this is all I am going to listen to.



By the way, a good friend of mine recently told me that I am so dramtic with my observations. He said this after we parted at a station and I felt incredibly sad. Now, let me give you this picture: We get off the escalators and there, in the middle are two tunnels. The two tunnels lead to our different trains. This is the place we have to say good bye, and you know that once you say goodbye, you cant turn back to wave again, or say something witty or perhaps just to see if the other person turns back to smile at you. It has to be final. Right there. In the middle. So we hug ourselves. First he gives me a kiss on one cheek and then we hug. Then we hug again and I give him a kiss on his cheek. And then, we just walk down the tunnels. Now tell me, isnt there something incredibly sad about that scene? I can replay it many times in my mind and still feel the weight of sadness and longing to be with him again.

However, reading again what I wrote about writing this weekend and the final countdown, etc etc, perhaps there is something in his observations. But I don't know if I will call it "dramatic" but I agree there's something "extreme" about my feelings.

Anyway, whatever it is, it is me and I like it.

Have a good weekend all.

4:25 and supposed to be sleeping...

I got good advice today about my eating and sleeping habits. I am supposed to be eating, sleeping and taking good care of myself.

Yet, here I am. Yet, here I am. Yet, here I am. Yet, here I am. Yet, here I am. Yet, here I am. Yet, here I am. Yet, here I am. Yet, here I am. Yet, here I am.Yet, here I am.Yet, here I am.Yet, here I am.

Yet, here I am.

Woke up hungry!

I am craving jollof rice (Nigerian food).

And I dont have any tomatoes or pepper. This is really a problem.

I am so hungry. But I have eggs.

Okay. I am so hungry.

P.S: Cyprus guy called yesterday and for real, I am starting to forget him. Its not even funny. My mind is somehow switching off on him...if he does not come back soon, I might actually forget his existence.

Writing: Had a good "in the zone" time yesterday. Lets hope for great things today.

I am so hungry.

On my mind...

My constant migraine: I need a resolution.

I am begining to feel restless. Like I want to do new things, see other things.

My sister's text which said :Keep smiling.

People that talk anyhow: Why do people talk without thinking? I can't stand it. Bla bla bla bla bla bla, it never stops.

Dancing: I helped my mum fix her CV today and where it said hobbies, she wrote :" dancing and travelling". I am not sure why that was shocking. What did I expect her to write? Cooking and cleaning? It was just funny to see that on paper. So she really likes this dancing thing? She used to dance when we were small and over the years,(and I know this is too bad, but I am sure you all make fun of your parents as well, so), it has become one of those old reliable "can always get you a laugh" kind of thing when we go out. One of us will just start doing her dance steps and ask "guess who I am? guess, who I am?" And now I see that this is actually her hobby! The things you find out as an adult!

Cyprus guy: Haven't met Cyprus Guy since the last time I saw him. He is still out of town. He has been sending texts though. And today when I called him just to say hi, he answered with "Hello baby!" which made me smile, of course.

Writing: Thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking. My brain is boiling over.

Family: My sister is pregnant and everybody else is just buying stuff for her and I want to too but I am so poor. I feel terrible not being able to buy teddy bears and all that. My other sister bought a teddy bear that said "My first teddy bear". I am tempted to just sew a pant for the teddy bear. I used to sew clothes for my teddy bears when I was a child. I could just sew a pant and do an embroidery that says "my first Teddy bear's first pants". At least, it would get a laugh.

Clothes: I wish I could be high class. With heels and fixed nails. Why do I have this "loafer" look?

Books: I am in an odd phase. Everything looks dry these days. Havent bought a book in weeks now...


Migraine: I need a resolution.

I don't know why...

People feel so threatened when others have more knowledge than they do. I am always fascinated by people who know more than I do. I learn as much as I can from them and I just love learning new things. However, not many people think like I do. These small minded people are always so insecure, they feel like everybody is somehow in their way.

In the recent weeks, I have actually watched in amusement a very young woman bully an older woman for no reason! Half the time, it seemed the young one was just sour that she did not come up with the kind of creative stuff the older one was capable of doing. Funny enough, for me, I was just fascinated with the older lady and all her creative projects, I was just happy to be in her company cos stuff just happened all the time. But this other one...Lord have mercy. The only thing she has done since I have met her is...complain, complain, complain. And she is always sour. It just seems like she is always pissed off when the older lady comes up with these brilliant ideas.

I dislike insecure people. Grow the fuck up, study and learn instead of being pissed off about the things you do not know. Either you try to know them or concentrate on the things you do know. You cant go around in life being sour because you are a dumbass. Accept your fate or try to change it.

Gosh. People need to grow the fuck up, men. Its ridiculous.

Date/No date

I was suppposed to be on a date tonight. With some guy from Cyprus(I know, I find all kinds in this city). However, this morning he called to let me know that he unexpectedly had to go to another city and would be back pretty late. He still wanted to meet up...but...

10:30...I am comfortable and cosy in my bed, watching one of those British murder thingys...why on earth should I dress up, get into the city, for max, an hour or so before the bar/restaurant closes, get back home, etc etc...gone are those days. When I was younger, I promise you, I would have been there in a jiffy! Before you could blink, I would have done my hair and make up and crawled through the snow...lol...

He is gonna be out of town for the next two days and I am probably not gonna be around for the next three...

I told him we would see next week then. He was a bit surprised. But he said if I wished so...

Yes, I wish so. I wish so.

I can't be bothered (by the way my neighbours upstairs are having sex like rabbits, disgusting! how long do they intend to go on for? Uschhhhhh....)

But yeah, its not like I would not like some nice company, wine, etc etc...but...gone are those days when I inconvenience myself cos of a man.

In one week, we could both meet when we both have time and its not such a drag. And if he is gone by then, well then...ciao. Others will surely come along...

(Just got a text from him saying how much he was looking forward to seeing me...boo hoo hoo. Cry baby!)

P.S: and nobody needs me to remind me of those lonely nights when I listen to music, wishing I just had some company. I know, I know. Its the irony of life.

UPDATE: So he came over to my place, since I said I was not moving an inch. Nice guy. I am not sure what he wants but he thinks I am funny and was laughing quite a lot. He says I am good company, sweet and sexy. Chineke! It was okay. I did not have anything at home and he did not mind. I felt guilty though by my non chalant attitude but he did not seem to care. I said I'll see him next week...maybe...

I am quite busy with my various projects so I am not sure I have time for men.

Some sex would be nice though lol...we'll see...

Friday night...

Grateful...

That I know so many good people. Really good people, who despite my eccentricities seem to understand me. I don't understand how they do it, but they do.

Today, I have been communicating with two different people who just seem to know exactly what to say to make my anxiety over certain issues just disappear.

I am really thankful that there are such people in the world who are able to open their hearts to understand another human being. It takes a lot of patience, tolerance and kindness.

I can only hope that I can do the same for others.

It means so much to me that I am understood.

Where have they all gone?

I was just reading an old blOg post from 2007 and I can't believe the number of Nigerian bloggers that have just disappeared from Blogville. Of the twenty five bloggers that left a comment on that particular blogpost, only one still has a blog! I wonder where they all are...living life I guess. This documentary of my life better be useful to someone someday, lol. I think it will be mostly useful for me anyway. When I am old and gray and can laugh at the madness and insecurity of my youth.

My former neighbours are moving back to Tanzania and my friends here are moving to another town on the same date.

I feel like its that "recycle" time again. Once every few years, its bound to happen. People leave, others come in, then they leave, etc, etc. A couple of years ago when my American friends left, I was really sad. It felt like I would never have new friends to hang out with...ever. I knew it would be hard to keep in touch and it has been. I hardly ever see them. I have seen them maybe three times or so since they left. And these are people I hung out with almost everyday.

I am scared we will lose touch and life would just go by and then we will, like people often do, remember these years with fondness and that will be it.

Anyway, that's life. I accept it as it is.

I have decided to immerse myself in my books and writing and ignore this recycling stuff. Off to the library.

Seriously...

I swear. I am seriously ready to be a house wife. I ain't joking. I can be third wife. Even fourth wife. As far as I never have to open any more white envelopes. If you are a rich man ready to pay my bills, please contact me.

So many things to do today!

I have serious anxiety just thinking about all the things I have to do today. I hate paper stuff. Thats why I have to be rich so somebody else can do all this administrative stuff. Just thinking about filling forms, sending forms, gives me a headache. Lord have mercy. I feel so weighed down...men. I need strength. I should drink red bull or something...