Tired?

So my body has been totally fucked up these past two days. I don't understand what is happening. Is it the winter? Am I going to be sick? Am I tired? Am I going to be depressed?

I have been sleeping a lot which is quite unusual. As you all know, I am not really a "sleeper".

Okay, I worked during the weekend but still, that's not enough for my body to crash as if there is no tomorrow.

Anyway, what's new?

Nothing much over here, except went through a "mini" heartbreak. Not a big one, cos after I slept and woke up, the world was back in balance, but still, my heart hurt for some hours. Somebody "played" with my feelings. By constantly inviting me out and then calling last minute to take a rain check...it was quite absurd. My friend Tina thinks maybe he read "the game" or something. Anyway, so that got me. I just wanted to scream "I AM A GOOD PERSON! I DO EVERYTHING RIGHT, WHY CAN'T THE WORLD GIVE ME A BREAK?". Anyway, after realizing that the guy was probably an asshole, life was good again.

Maybe that's why i feel tired. All those fucking emotions...

Anyway, all is well that ends well.

Love.

Saturday....

Had breakfast.

Took a walk.

Talked on phone with friends.

Had coffee with friend on bench and got some sunlight.

Now I am going to the gym. Not enough time to eat so I guess I will eat after gym, and then off to work.

Tomorrow I will write and sleep. Now I have to go.

Lots of love.

At the gym today...

I was so shocked when this song came on...haven't heard it in years!

I enjoyed it so much...no particular memory, but it just felt so familiar..

Back in business...

I feel like my old self.

Like when I was a teenager and everything was possible (Like learning all the dance steps on MTV tapes and feeling like a super dancer, even though now when I look back, I know I sucked big time, but in my mind, I was just too super cool. Damn, those were the days!)

I feel like I should change my name and just be somebody brand new.

But hey, I wouldn't be this new person without having been that old one, right?

Why God why?

And now they are showing "Schindler's list".

I know I will suffer...this film will kill me...God give me strength. Why can't I just put off the damn TV?

God, how I hate sad films...

I was just clicking away on TV and got stuck in a scene in the movie, "my sister's keeper", Jesus. My whole heart hurts. I feel so sad that I feel like throwing up. I seriously hate watching movies with these extremely heart-wrenching scenes. Jesus, its like somebody put a knife in my stomach and just kept twisting and twisting...God, that was a sad scene. The girl in the hospital, about to die and the mum lies down beside her...

I broke down, men...

Thank God its over. I seriously can't take so much sadness in life. No more TV for me. I am gonna go read a book or something...

Some Persian news...

So today the Persian called and sounded really upset. He wanted to know what he was to me...

Chineke, God Of Africa, what kind of question is that?

First of all, when I asked him that some months ago, he said, it did not matter, that I was his "friend", so why is HE asking me now?

"Waffy, tell me, what am I to you? am I your friend, your boyfriend or what? I want to know who I am beside you".

I told him that he gets the same reply he gave me before.

He is angry cos he called me last week and I said I would call back and I never did...

"You said you will call back, its been one week since then" he said.

"And?" I replied.

"That is your reply..."and"?

"Yeah..."and"?

It was then he went off into the speech of who he was to me.

I told him to call me back when he was in a good mood.


He should go and rest. All this drama this early evening...

Inspired...

Listening to music and totally inspired to write well today. All of a sudden, nothing else matters anymore except getting my stuff done, doing my best and being satisfied. I still have so much work to do and I know that I can do it as far as I stop being distracted with all these little worldly things.

I enjoy what I do and I am so grateful that I can get so much satisfaction from such a simple process.

The world out there is full of intrigue and I am curious but I am also curious about creating my own stuff. And in the end, I think I am more curious about my creativity and the whole process than having a bit of worldly romantic stuff that is not always reliable or stable.

How on earth can I even compare the two?

I don't want to be distracted. I can't afford to be distracted.

That's why, my dear man, you do what you wanna do. Say what you wanna say, live your life the way you wanna live it, as for me...

I have stuff to do.

Therapy for my soul...

I wish I was someone that you could love too...

But I am not and its okay.

Today was the perfect day...

Words are not enough.

5:15 am...

Came home late from a party. I made one friend who I think will become a good friend. She is about my age and we could not get enough of each other. We just had a connection that was strong. All the guys were jealous and tried getting into our little space but we were inseparable. We left together as well and had a lovely time taking shit about men.

Got home and then chatted with an old friend on skype. Talked about stuff. Mostly our past stuff. Had no good advice except "life is whatever, men, just take it as it comes". I don't know, I wish I could be more of a help but sometimes I really don't know what to say. As far as we are all alive, we are all heroes. Most things will solve anyway. It will be okay. I hope.

Its not that I am sure of anything but really, what use is there worrying? I just can't worry any more about the future. I have spent too many years and too much time and energy worrying about it. I am spent.

I am not worrying anymore.

Whatever, men.

Whatever.

2:47 and awake...

On my mind:

Music.

Beauty.

Soul.

Tragic.

Hope.

Inspiration.

Vulnerable.

Tender heart.

Dreaming.

Wishing.

Love.

Life.

Thank you.

Somebody stop me...

Okay, in just one week, I have hit on three different guys. Gone on one date, going on another on sunday. I don't know how this madness came on, all of a sudden, my mouth just says "do you want to have coffee sometime?". But best of all, I don't feel any commitment to any, I just want to go out and have some fun, meet people, socialise, etc. I am not looking for "love" or the other culprit, "romance". I am sort of in a "fluffy" mood so I don't really want to discuss the problems of the world at the moment or any other serious stuff. Life matters, man/woman problems, I am just not in that space. Last date, the guy is seriously into politics. "For as long as I have been alive, this has been my passion". His words. I swear. All I could say was "Damnnnnnnnn, thats hardcore". I gave him my two cents on corruption and I guess he was impressed cos I got a mail from him saying how much he enjoyed our talk and we must make it "longer" next time. But that is how life is, when you are looking for something more than fun, you never find it and when you are looking for just fun, all of a sudden this person that likes to discuss world problems comes along. I have to admit, halfway through his explanation of yet another social or cultural factor, all I wanted to say, was "did you say you can danse salsa?"

Half awake...

There's something about today. Its like I am in a dream or something. Its cold. I keep thinking I am dreaming when I am awake and awake when I am dreaming. The sun is reddish, I painted my nails orange on the bed. I am listening to the radio. Everything feels so familiar and at the same time not really real. I ate a good lunch thinking that will make me feel a bit "fresh" but I still feel sort of drowsy. At the same time, I keep thinking of somebody's laughter. It was a very strange laughter. Genuine, from the heart. Its the guy that cut my hair. His laughter is stuck on my mind. He told me he went on holiday for two months but ended up staying for one whole year. We both bursted out laughing when he said that and we could not stop for a long time. I don't know what was so funny. And I kept laughing because his laughter was infectious. When he laughed, he looked straight in your eyes and laughed with you. I woke up today smiling because I remembered how happy he looked laughing.

Nice...

My eye problem is finally gonna be solved! One of my eyes has serious astigmatism and I was there last year and they made me do all kinds of tests and then they said I would have to have a "hard contact" lens on that eye so I got scared and never went back, after paying for all those expensive tests.

Anyway, got a call from a very nice lady at the hospital today who said they had been reviewing my journal and saw that my journal seemed "irregular" and she doubts if I would need "hard plastic" (I still don't even know what the fuck that means)but it was important that I have something to help me, etc etc, so now I am booked for a new consultation with a very very nice lady.

Truth is, I would NEVER have called or gone back there and this has really been on my mind for the past year, that I should do something about it. I know they might say the eye is "worse" and it will all be my fault. I know that but at least, the issue will get some resolution and it can be one more thing off my mind.

Thank you life. I must be doing something right these days.

Cos its raining...

Waiting for the rain to stop...

If only I was a teenager...

October already...

Ah! This life is just time...your clock starts ticking and then one day it stops. Jesus. I should stop looking at clocks or I'll go crazy.

What's new? Nothing much except I have returned to the gym...

The gym is an interesting place. The other day I was just putting my stuff into a locker only to be confronted by a pussy in my face. I don't understand how people do it. They just stand there, stark naked in very close proximity. I am telling you, an inch futher and it could have touched the tip of my nose. I don't get why she could not have moved a bit or tie a towel or wear her panties. And it was a very short spanish speaking girl with bow legs. She was just chatting there with her friends. There was just something bare about her. I mean there were other naked women in the room but maybe it was the bow legs...anyway, it was a rude shock.

So, I am in "aches and pains". Sore all over. I actually forgot that all that stuff hurts.

OOps. I gats to go...time waits for no man.

Have a good month and a good week. Love. Yeah, enjoy some soul. God knows we all need a little sugar in our lives...listen and pretend you are somewhere else, doing something else...except you wanna be right where you are, then just enjoy.