When we were young, crazy and poor...

I read "just kids" by Patti Smith and then I thought of you.
I thought of John and Yoko Ono and I thought of you.
I thought of you when we were young, crazy and poor.
About how so many things did not turn out right
So many things I would rather forget
Fleeting nights in train stations
And all the things I did with you
Has it been so long now?
When we dreamt of places like Tibet and Las Vegas
Places where no one would find us
And we could do whatever we wanted
All those books we consumed
Now they tell me my eyes are destroyed
And that maybe I should regret those times
But the books were what kept us sane
And drove us away from our demons
I don’t know what you are doing now
But I thought of you when I read that book
Of the times when we were young, crazy and poor.

Hospital anxiety...

I hate going to hospitals...

Usssssssssssssssssssssh.

Anyway, I have to go whether I like it or not.

It sucks.

Music for the night...

Not sleeping.

Thinking about lots of stuff.

Some strange movie on TV.

Feeling that weird feeling that I have to move...I don't know why...like I need to relocate for some time....but if I do, what would that I mean? That I have no idea whatsoever where I am supposed to live?

My friend who relocated to London says he finally found where he is supposed to be. He has moved three times.

But I don't like London...

I just haven't found my place on earth. Which just means perhaps I have to search harder, travel more,maybe its out there somewhere just waiting for me...

I do like Croatia though...

Anyway, whatever. I'll just listen to music and suck it up as Americans would say...but my sister thinks I was born in the wrong era, she thinks I am trapped in the wrong body. She is sure that I should have been born in California during the hippie movement. I would have been a surfer, I would have played the guitar and sat around bonfires, high as a kite.

Maybe New York? I am kinda feeling New York these days...

I should just listen to music and suck it up.

November...

Riding my bicycle in the cold is an experience. I think I sweat more in the cold than in the heat. I was drenched.

Things are okay even if financially, I should be worried. But what to do?

I can't believe its already the end of the year. The last three years have been tough but my friend Tina believes 2012 is going to be a great year for everybody. I feel it too.

I have a serious craving for alcohol.

I have borrowed books as usual but have not had time to read them.

I'll try to read them during the week.

What else?

Nothing.

Girl stuff...

What to make of this? Please someone that is good at understanding the minds of men, help out cos I don't really get it.

1. Met someone, had great time, perfect day, was supposed to meet next day, he called saying "I can't". So never met for planned date.

2. Did not hear from him for about a week. Then suddenly he calls and wants to meet up.

3. Met up with him and had "ok" day and then again, he disappears. I don't hear from him for more than a week.

4. Now this time, I called to check what was up, we make another date. He calls and cancels.

5. A week later, he calls and wants to meet but I say I am traveling so its not possible.

6. Today he calls and asks if we can meet. I tell him I am not comfortable with all this date planning and disappearing act of his cos it just makes me very uncomfortable not knowing what he is up to. So I decide to be honest with him. I tell him that I am not meeting him because there is a possibility of having sex and if that's what he wants then we can as well stop playing games cos its just wasting both our times, however, if he wants to meet up to get to know me better, then its okay but I can't do all that "disappearing" shit. Anyway, he says its just a big misunderstanding and its mostly because he has been very busy and if it makes me feel better then, we can meet on whatever "terms" I want. I tell him just getting to know him works for me. He says then that's what we will do then. However, what's up with all that cancelling all the time and never calling? I don't know. I am not totally convinced that he is being honest with me.

7. At the same time, I feel like I should perhaps give him a chance.

8.But I seriously don't have time for complicated shit at the moment.

9. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

10. To meet him or not?

Back in town...

Was away for a while.

Quite a bit happened but I am not in the mood to write it all down.

Had some very good moments and some not so good.

Happy to be back in my little space.

Its not much but its mine.

Met an old friend. Will write more on that another day when I can compose exactly the feelings that I had in me.

Thoughts at the moment: Tired and can't really deal with anything that requires my brain. I don't want to make any decisions. I think I am hungry.

Lots of love.

Good night.

Just something...

He walked beside me. Fast, very fast. He does not look at me. We are going to the same place but it seems my presence makes no difference. I begin to feel invisible. Why don't you see me?

But soon enough, my mind takes over and I also begin to drift away. I forget that he is beside me, I start to hum inside and I feel the wind on my face. He says he is cold. I am not sure I care, one way or the other. Now I don't see him either.

Then we arrive and he is normal again. He sees everybody, talks to everybody. I feel good, it does not matter if he sees me or not. Other people see me. Other people smile at me. I smile at them. A woman I have only met a couple of times offers to pay for something for me.

I don't know what to say. I tell her she is nice. She says "I am not at all nice".

A guy that I have always been meaning to talk to is in deep conversation with someone else. I try to catch his eye but they are speaking in French. I forget about him too, after a while.

I eat one cookie after another and observe everything around me. I don't have anybody to talk to, but it does not matter. I have drifted away again.

Then I discover the sweets. I start to eat them too. I try all the sorts. The guy sitting next to the sweets laughs at me. He thinks it is funny.

When we leave the place, again, he is silent. He ignores me as if we had not arrived together or left together. He almost forgets to say goodbye.

I wonder what kind of a person he is but I can't be bothered to do my usual analysing...

I run to get the bus.

Now I am home and hungry.

Oh What a World...

Heard this at the gym and liked it so much, so sharing...its wonderful, isn't it?

Its like this...

I am thinking I must be the most boring person on earth this friday. There is nothing to do. Nobody to visit.

I wish somebody would just call me out of the blue and invite me to some house party or something.

You know, like those kind of house parties Dr Dre and Snoop used to have...full of people just grooving, food, beer, music. You know everybody and everybody knows you. You get in the room and everybodys hailing you...

Damn. I have to convince my friend to have a house party when she moves to her new house. With dress code and all... 90's hiphop. Which reminds me of my brother and his obsession with Snoop and Dre. Morning till night, he would listen to Snoop. Used to drive everybody crazy.

A nice mood...

All my childhood friends in Nigeria are getting married left, right and center. There will be no singles left by the end of the year. Just talked to my brother's childhood best friend who has always been my number one hang out buddy back home and now, he too is getting married. The only thing I could think of was "who will I hang with when I go home?" but at the same time, I am quite positive for them cos that's what they all want, dream of, so in a way, it's their dreams coming true, and isn't that what we all wish for? For dreams to come true?

I feel better today so I am going back to the gym. I have been quite fucked up the last days so it will be fun to have some energy again.

What is new? Nada! Life is okay. Doing what I have to do which is all life can ask of me at the moment.

Stay cool, live life, be good.

Dreaming...

Dreaming intensely again.

Although I am too lazy to write them down.

Ah! my wonderful subconscious going into overload...