Those were my thoughts when I started this post. I was going to write about how terribly insecure I was feeling. But then, I decided to meditate just before the clock struck twelve. I have always wanted to do that on my birthday. I sat down to meditate and for the first few seconds, an inventory of my worldly goods flashed before me. My small kitchen table and two chairs, microwave, coffee maker, tv, dvd player, small radio (with broken antenna) cupboard, bed, bookshelves and books...only those are maybe worth something. Everything else, I can throw away. Two old carpets. Clothes...etc.
I started laughing. Then I cried for a second, then laughter again. How pathetic I am! I thought. But then suddenly, a big smile came on my face. And I did what my father would have wanted me to do and always did for us. I prayed for myself. (I don't do religion because that is such a complex issue for me but I was comfortable to use God in my prayer, so there it is).
Thank you God for everything.
I know I am a hopeless case.
I don't have to tell you too much.
You know my doubts, my fears, my nonsense.
You know very well my thoughts, all my stuff.
But I am not blind and I don't have cancer.
My life is pretty okay.
Today I walked alone in the forest
There was the sea, and the trees and brown earth beneath my feet,
There were all these things and I felt quite happy to be able to see and do these things.
I am alone and sometimes I feel lonely but I am so grateful that I am free.
I am free, I am free, I am free.
You can read about my thoughts on turning 30, 31, 32, and 33. How time flies on this blog. Fuck!