Thursday, July 26, 2012


I just came from facebook, yet another childhood friend just married his heavily pregnant girlfriend. Last week, two of my good friends announced the births of their sons.The week before, another friend had a baby, etc etc. And just two months ago I attended the wedding of one of my closest friends.Needless to say, I am the last woman standing.What will become of me? 

Those were my thoughts when I started this post. I was going to write about how terribly insecure I was feeling. But then, I decided to meditate just before the clock struck twelve. I have always wanted to do that on my birthday. I sat down to meditate and for the first few seconds, an inventory of my worldly goods flashed before me. My small kitchen table and two chairs, microwave, coffee maker, tv, dvd player, small radio (with broken antenna) cupboard, bed, bookshelves and books...only those are maybe worth something. Everything else, I can throw away. Two old carpets. Clothes...etc.

I started laughing. Then I cried for a second, then laughter again. How pathetic I am! I thought. But then suddenly, a big smile came on my face. And I did what my father would have wanted me to do and always did for us. I prayed for myself. (I don't do religion because that is such a complex issue for me but I was comfortable to use God in my prayer, so there it is).

Thank you God for everything.
I know I am a hopeless case.
I don't have to tell you too much.
You know my doubts, my fears, my nonsense.
You know very well my thoughts, all my stuff.
But I am not blind and I don't have cancer.
My life is pretty okay.
Today I walked alone in the forest
There was the sea, and the trees and brown earth beneath my feet,
There were all these things and I felt quite happy to be able to see and do these things.
I am alone and sometimes I feel lonely but I am so grateful that I am free.
I am free, I am free, I am free.

And to round off my prayers.... 

You can read about my thoughts on turning 30, 31, 32, and 33. How time flies on this blog. Fuck!


Anonymous said...

You are not alone.You have friends and family who care about you and this is what is the most important,not earthly possessions.This network of love will always be there for you.Also you are an amazing person and you need to remember that.


Patrice said...

Ah, there is nothing wrong at all living simply as a single woman. Try not to dwell on it too much or you'll be too preoccupied to notice all the other good stuff in your life. Maybe on your next birthday you'll be blogging from your BMW while lecturing your husband, pacifying your baby, and . . . longing for the good ole days when you were 34.

Happy 34th birthday, Waffarian.

Shweta Singh said...

Oh! I could relate to this post so much. All my friends are getting married and I often ponder the same. Am I the last one ? :)))