All these years I've been learning to save fingers from burning...

Tomorrow is my turn...

Work...

Finally have some time to update this blog. What has been happening in my life?

Well, after my panic/shock of last week, things are pretty much back to normal except that I feel unusually restless at nights. Did not sleep at all last night....not thinking or anything, cos I am too tired every night to do my usual deep thinking, analysing, etc...I mostly just stare at the ceiling...

But, lets get back to what I have been up. My day looks exactly like this:

5:00 am: Alarm goes off, I spend the next hour trying to wake up and getting myself out of bed.

6:00 am: I finally get up, mumbling and irritated.

6:30 am: I have had a shower, and I am now sitting on my bed staring at the floor....trying to get dressed.

6:45: I wear whatever as I have now run out of time and I can't put off leaving the building.

6:50: I walk briskly to the bus stop.

6:53: The bus leaves. I sit on the bus. Lost in my thoughts.

7:00: I get off the bus. Buy a cup of coffee from a nearby shop.

7:08: Sitting on the bench at the train station drinking coffee.

7:11: Get on train.

Okay, I am bored with writng this post. Basically, by 8 I am at work and I am there until 4. The same thing as above pretty much happens on the way back except in reverse.

Lonely soldier...

I could not stop crying today.

I was supposed to have an eye operation today and it was cancelled at the last minute cos they suddenly decided it did not need to be done after all. I was lying on the table and all...

I don't know why it affected me so badly. I had not slept the whole night yesterday because I was very nervous and summoned all my courage just to wake up today and go there.

Long story cut short, (lots of medical reasons I can't be bothered to get into now), they decided that it would be best to wait.

I got in some sort of panic. I was given something to calm me down. I was okay again.

My friend E came to pick me up. I cried when he came. Then it was okay again. We went for coffee, lunch, I was back to myself.

He dropped me off at home, I started crying again. On his way he called and heard my voice so he turned back and stayed with me a bit to calm me down. It worked. He left.

I wanted to watch some TV, I could not.

Went to bed and then the fucking tears would not stop. I cried and cried. Slept off.

Woke up, ate something, thinking of cooking...

and now I feel like crying again...

It just wont stop. I am incredibly sad.

 Everything is wrong. I feel alone.

I feel fucking pathetic.

Sweetness!

So, I was lying in my bed after coming up from the laundry room without doing any laundry. I was just going to begin my daily search for stand up comedians when my friend burst into the apartment...

"Guess who is downstairs?" he asks, his eyes twinkling mischievously...

I knew immediately who he was on about. It was the young French guy that I often made jokes about becoming his sugar mummy...

"Really?"

"Yeah, he is down there..."

Well, nobody had to ask me twice. I put on my jogging shoes without socks and followed my friend behind.

I just happened to run into him...

"Oh hi" I say...

He kisses me on the cheeks...

Hot damn!

 We begin to chat, about nothing...something about shoes and running...I ask him if he wants to go out for a drink.

He follows me back to the apartment, I grab my coat and we go to the nearby bar.

I felt like a Puma. How old is he?

We talk about stuff, he laughs at all my jokes. I ask him if he has a girlfriend. He says he doesn't. The girl I thought was his girlfriend is only a friend. He does not like going to clubs. That's alright, I say. I and my friends just hang out at bars. He won't mind going out with me to a bar.

Really?

He walks me home. Kisses again.

I walk around to my neighbour's,  another French guy. He comes out and smokes a cigarette on me. I am a passive smoker. We talk about our latest updates on romance. I tell him about the young guy. We both have a good laugh.

We hug.

Life is sweet.

We never played by the same rules anyway....

I needed to get out of the apartment. I was suffocating, the walls were closing in...

I picked up my bag and left. I thought I had a destination.

I ended up walking aimlessly in the city for the first two hours after I left the apartment. I thought I was going somewhere....

I got to a park. Three people were meditating on the grass. "Falu Gong" the leaflet said. Goodness, patience and something else. I don't remember the third. The park was full of kids playing with the kind of enthusiasm that sometimes shocks me. How on earth can they be so happy? At the last minute I decided that happy kids were not really my cup of tea today.

I walked into a neighborhood that I had never really noticed before. I never noticed it because it was the kind of place that required cultural and economical capital for me to even notice it. I looked at the exorbitant prices in the shop windows and realised that even if I did manage somehow to climb my way to the top, how would I cope with the new "shoulds" that comes with that level? Cos thats what happens when you get that kind of money, there are so many "shoulds", "Oh darling, you should come with us to Nice, you simply must!" "You should get a maid". "You should buy a country home" "You should attend the charity event!"...it would never end...."you should"...

Twelve o' clock, already. Time for lunch. I went to a restuarant, ordered some beer and had Sushi. I began to feel quite good with myself. Walking with no destination was good for the soul. I don't have to do anything I don't want to.

My friend Tina calls. I realise how much I miss her. I have neglected her recently. Caught up in my own world, I have been closed to the world.

Another friend calls. Asks me if I want to have dinner with her. I accept.

Life has been interesting these past weeks. I don't know why I keep trying to understand the choices people make in life and why they choose to live life the way they do.

I will never understand how anybody can be weighed down with all that societal obligations...I just don't get it, so I give up. Trying to understand is just a waste of my energy...I never played by those rules.

 The fact is we all don't play by the same rules and that's okay. Its as simple as that.

Its hard...

Its hard.

To know that you are not here with me.

Its very hard.

Sweet and Sour...

Friday.

I can't believe the week has ended....can't believe the year is almost ending...

Well, well....

I think I am gonna buy some wine today and make myself a nice dinner. Oh yeah, I need to buy a book. Was at the bookshop the other day and I just could not buy anything. All the books seemed so dry but I will just have to force myself to buy something otherwise I will soon go out of my mind.

The return of winter. The return of dark days and nights. Luckily, I have so much to do, writing, writing, writing...

and of course...we always have sweet, sweet music.

Love.