The bus was going to be in nine minutes. Three girls passed me by, I heard one of them say, "here, we are used to having pain in our bodies". I wondered what that conversation was about. I had no idea, but in my mind, I heard myself say "preach, sister!". I felt like my whole body was in pain. My heart, my legs, my shoulders, my finger tips. I was in pain.
I began to walk. I did not want to take any short cuts, so I just walked. It was cold and I was freezing. After a few minutes, I could not feel my ears anymore but I kept walking, past the bench where I used to sit in the summer, past the fields that would turn golden in the autumn, past everything that once gave me pleasure in the summer.
I walked and walked, my shouders felt heavy and I remembered a time many years ago when my brain did not want to cooperate with my my body. My brain said to my legs "you can't possibly take another step. You are done". I felt that way. That my brain was doing its own thing. It had abandoned my body to the world. I focused on listening to my foot steps on the snow, the sound came into my ears as if from another place. It echoed in my ears. "You are so slow, you need to sit down. You can't walk anymore". I reached a tunnel, there was a slab of concrete, a block, just there, waiting for me. "You need to sit down now" my brain said to my body.
I was afraid that if I sat down, I will never get up anymore. My body would be found in the morning, frozen.
I kept walking, I heard the sound of foot steps behind me, confident foot steps, somebody that knew where he was going. I knew it was a man even before he passed me on my slow journey.
"I wish I could walk like you, I wish I knew where I was going"
He passed me by, confident and his head held high in the freezing temparatures.
I was alone again, on a path that was leading somewhere, somewhere.
Across the road, I saw a winter runner. Yeah, show me how much of a loser I am, I thought. I heard a screeching sound, and I stopped and starred as I saw him do an extraordinary slide and fall badly, on the slippery road. We both were in shock.
"Fuck!" he screamed.
I was just going to ask "are you alright?"
But before my mouth could form the words, he just got up and kept running. He did not even hesitate for a moment. He did not check to see if he had any injuries or dust the snow off his clothes. He just got up and kept running.
Now thats how you do it. I thought. You just do it.
I took a deep breath and quicked my pace. Who cares how you fall? Its how you get up that matters.
I am tired of falling. I am.
But just like that runner, sometimes there is no need to stop and check for the damages. Perhaps sometimes seeing the damages and knowing that they are there is more of a burden than I can manage.
All I have to do...is just do it.