Just normal stuff...

I have been down to the laundry room. There are no available slots. I have missed my time slot three times this week. I often think I will wake up super early to go to the gym and do my laundry.

I am not so successful.

In my bid to get my writing back on track, I am now forcing myself to write here again. So some pieces might not be meaningful. In fact, useless and worthless.

My bicycle is outside. I don't think it will survive another winter.

There are many things to think about. I am not as strong as I thought I was. A bit too sensitive and I hurt easily.

The year is coming to an end and I have to say that even though the first half of the year was really, bad,this second part has not been totally rubbish. Still fucked but not really really bad.

I met a random woman yesterday who said to me  "You think having children will be the best thing ever and then you have them and realize that they are are going to disturb you all day long"....

I met her at the library...it was closed. So I sat on a bench and ate my lunch. She arrived, I told her it was closed and she just starts talking to me about all kinds of stuff. I am a polite person so I listen but in the end she was becoming more and more animated and all worked up especially when she started talking about children...

It was like a confession.

I noticed she was working towards the metro, I was going that way too but the prospect of listening to more talk of her life situation was not so appealing so I decided to take the bus instead.

I did not feel guilty at all. I put on some music and watched the rain fall.

Its not raining...

Life continues.

Days turn into nights, nights turn into days, the usual cliche. I try to be motivated, find the things in life that are worth doing. Living alone for many years should become one of those psychological tests they use to crack people.  Many people would crack, I tell you. I now live on the ground floor and many nights I have the option of either sleeping or starring into my window hoping no face would suddenly pop up against the glass. I have stopped watching C.S.I, seems there is no end on different ways to kill innocent people in all kinds of places. And the mutherfuckers show all those crime series late at night too. Very annoying. I wish every channel would just stick to late night Seinfield or talk shows or whatever. Just something banal and lighthearted.

 Sooner or later, you begin to imagine all the fun you would be having if there was just someone there. But like all fantasies, experience shows that having someone there might be more stressful than dealing with your self 24/7.

I am not sure if I am my own friend yet. I try to be but sometimes I see the kind of shit I do and I wonder whose side I am on. Get a grip, woman.

Apart from all the psycho stuff, I am alive and doing fairly okay. Not totally miserable as one might assume with this nonsense post but not exactly dancing with marracas on a table either.

God of creativity where art thou? Have you abandoned me and my mad brain? I need to be inspired again, see life with all its colours and glory on a fucking field of ....what was that song by Sting again? Field of something....gold...

Kisses,
Waffy

If you ever want a crazy girl...

Here I am.

Yes, you know where you can find me. I walk in the rain just to feel that I can feel.

I pinch myself at nights to know that I am real.

And if you hold me tight...

Everything will be fine again.

I will walk with an umbrella and find a home.

Yes, I will.

I will miss you when you go...

He was taking stuff off the walls...I paced back and forth...watching him...

"I don't understand why you are packing now...you still have three weeks...who will give me coffee when You are gone?" I asked

"Then you will just have to come and visit me" he replied

"You will visit me cos now you wont have a proper kitchen" I said.

"You won't be here anyway" he said, removing more nails from the walls

"Is there anything here you want? a collection of national geographic?"

"Please! I have way too many books and shit...I don't want more books and mags" I replied, following him around as he put things in boxes.

"Oh, by the way, I know something you can have, I have a gift for you" he said

"Oh, what is it? a gift? for me?"

"Yes, I saw something that made me think of you so I bought it for you" he said.

"How interesting! what is it?"

He walked to a cupboard, brought out two bangles and reaching for my hand, he gently put them through...

"Ha! you liar! you did not get them for me, you got them for some girl and now you changed your mind and you are giving them to me"

He did not turn back as he took down more pictures off the wall...

"No, I got them for you. Its a gift"

"Oh..."

"So did you want coffee?"

"Anything sweet?"

"Tea?"

"Nahhhhhh"

"Carbonated water? I can put lemon in it?"

"Ok"

We drank the water in silence.

"I need to go get something from the shops" I said

"I need to read" he replied.

I walked quickly home. In my room I looked at the bangles. Nobody had given me a gift just because...for a long time. The bangles were brown, with some sort of white splashes on them. Its the kind of thing I would have bought for myself. That he knew me so well made me smile. I sent a text.

"Thank you for the bangles"  it said. "They are perfect".

Moving again!

Yep, that's right people, this woman is on the move again, lol...I know what you are thinking, does this human being not miss stability? security?

Nope. Time to shake things up. Life has been too dry these past years, reading my blog you might disagree but I promise you that I have spent way too much time in my head and brain, weaving another life that might not be so out of reach after all.

Yep, somebody told me that I have to live life with "bravado", everybody is afraid of the unknown but better to try at least. If only she knew how waking up each day for me is an act of bravery...lol.

P.S: Once again, let me assure all those who suffer from a broken heart, all those who think they will never meet anybody like "that" again. Believe me, its only because you are not meeting enough people. There are millions of people in the world, chances that you will not meet more people better than that loser is quite slim. People come and people go. Let them go in peace, I beg you. Life is too big and too much to revolve around one person. There is so much to do and many more fantastic human beings out there to meet, others will come in if you let them.

Of course, as you all know, I am the heroine of  all things miserable so believe me, I will not lie to you. Time heals everything. I am the broken bird that has been crushed way too many times and still, "I arise!"  lol.

Love you all. Keep living, keep loving, let the bullshit go.

Home- Near, far and everything in between.

I know the system, I get off the plane and I fit in with my jeans and trainers, I look back at the overdressed Nigerians, in pumps, gold necklaces, white suits, their Sunday best...they are traveling abroad. I look back and laugh as I casually fit in with the backpackers in sandals, looking for the next gate. This is why you should wear something comfortable so you can jog to the next gate and also in case the plane crashes. I walk out of the plane, I know no one is waiting for me. At the corner of my eye I see a placard "welcome home Pablo", fuck Pablo. I walk briskly to the ticket machine and buy my ticket. Everything works. I know this place. I am certain of everything but what am I doing here?

The silence, the peace, no loudspeakers warnings about "thunder and fire" and the end of the time. Its peaceful. My life is peaceful, everything works here you know. It fucking functions!!!

But...but...over there, where the trees are green, they are so green, and the smell of the earth, it smells of rain... there...people call and ask "where you dey?" people invite me for naming ceremonies, dedications, marriages, birthday parties, thanksgiving ceremonies, "get-together"s. You go for a party and as you leave, you get an invitation to another. There is a never ending circle of parties and functions.

I dump my suitcases on the floor of my bedroom. I lie down on my bed. What the fuck am I doing here?

My skin is back to normal, no more bubbles of sweat and the constant wet skin. No more sneezing and watery eyes. No dust. My network connection is the fastest it can be. Come on, what do you expect?

I look through my phone...The pain had returned. That sharp pain that left my chest as the plane landed in Warri  had returned again. Shit! Does it only disappear in Africa? Crap.

I decide to go for a walk. It is hot and nobody is smiling or waving at me. Nobody stops me on the road to ask "how is your mother?", I get to the shop with no interruptions.  I buy "cherry coke" and return to my apartment. I stare at the ceiling.

But I am telling you, things work here. There is constant light, the water...its the best in the world, straight from the tap, there are no potholes on the road, look, I left my bicycle out all winter and now its summer, its still there. You can't understand it. You can't.

I am far, I am near, I am no where.

Not in the way...

I sat on the last free table and watched the traffic pass by. It was not too bad I guess, coming back...again to a part of town that held so many memories. But for some reason, my life here has me coming back from time to time to this part of town that I once knew so well. Nothing seemed to have changed, the old people were still there, the library and cafe beside it exactly as it was eleven years ago. I felt comfortable sitting in the little square and watching people.

I was too early for my appointment. My anxiety either has me showing up too early or too late for appointments. Today I was an hour early. I did not want to wait in the reception room so I went to the little square and sat there reading my book. Two foreigners approached me, one to ask directions to the library and the other to a bank.

I got bored and decided to talk a walk, another woman approached me. She wanted directions to a place where "unemployed immigrant women met to study together". No fucking idea. Her language was faulty. I thought she needed directions for either the unemployment agency or the language school. No. It wasn't a school she was looking for or the unemployment agency, it was some place for women to meet and "study together". After trying for some minutes to figure out what she meant, she looks at me accusingly and says "you don't live around here do you?" What the fuck does that have to do with anything? I say "no, but I used to". She nods her head and looks at me knowingly....as if that explains everything. I could not help her because I did not live around here and therefore did know know this strange place where unemployed foreign women met to study together. The truth was I could not help her because I had no fucking clue what she was talking about. Anyway, it would have been useless to argue so I agreed with her. "Yes" I replied. "You should ask somebody else, I don't know this area". She smiled and nodded in sympathy.

I left her by the roadside and went back to the square. Two old ladies and a dog  approached me. One had only a big front tooth sticking out of her gums. "Can we sit here with you?" she asked. "Yes, sure, its free" I replied. "Very sweet of you" she said. Her companion walked to one of the chairs by the table with the dog but did not sit down. The one toothed old lady told the other she was going to get them some coffee. The dog started barking. She told the other woman to hold the dog's "jaws together" and then shuffled off. The companion was unable to do that, she kept trying to appease the old dog by talking nicely to it, the dog went off on a barking spree.

The other old people around were slowly getting irritated. I was quite amused. The old lady kept talking to the dog "she will soon be back" "why are you embarrassing me?" "you are so spoiled"  etc etc, it all seemed very familiar, this had happened many times, it was a routine. The old woman looked at me and said "sorry, she is old, thirteen years".

"Well, you better sit down, I think". I said.

I was more concerned about the woman's bad posture than the dog's barking. She had not sat down since they arrived and was half way bent, trying to soothe the barking dog. It looked like a very uncomfortable position to be in. The couple nearest to us looked at her in irritation and buggered off to another bench far away. Another old woman went off with disgust. The dog kept barking.

The one toothed old lady came back with their coffee "Why did you not shut her jaws?" she asked clearly irritated, she used her walking stick and began to roughly prod the dog "shut up" she said to the dog. The dog barked back and back and forth it began, the one toothed old lady began a quarrel with the dog, the other woman interjecting in from time to time, "stop it, you are not helping matters". The three of them seemed oblivious to their surroundings, they were lost in whatever psycho drama this was. More people left the surrounding tables. I looked on in amusement.

Unfortunately, it was time to leave. As I began to pack up my stuff, one tooth says "oh you don't have to go, you are not in the way".

"I have to go anyway, not leaving because of you guys, I have an appointment to keep. Have a good day ladies" I said.

As I left, I thought of what one tooth said "you are not in the way"...ha ha ha ha...for Christ's sake, they were in my way!!! I was sitting alone there before they came along with their psycho drama. "Not in the way" indeed!!! ha ha ha funny people.