Tea and nothing more.

I forced myself to close my eyes  "sleep will come".  I could hear my heart beating, and the clouds in my head getting darker, heavier....

A few hours before I had been talking with my friends. A friend of mine is getting divorced. Her sorrow is heavy. You can see it underneath her eyes, around her eyes, in her eyes. The man is not making things easy for anybody. He intends for all to suffer because of his ego so they all do.

The other woman sitting with us who hardly says anything personal, suddenly speaks "You know, once I was crying in the bedroom and my husband was ordering champaigne on the phone".

I began to laugh hysterically. The women joined in. The man next to us, who I am sure had been listening to our conversation all along, looked like he disapproved of such laughter in such a conversation.

I wished I was brave enough to look him straight in the eye and mouth "bite me".

"I don't remember anything anymore" I said. " Maybe I don't like thinking about bad times"

"I just don't want my children to suffer" she said, wearing her sun glasses and looking away.

"Life is how it is. You can't always protect them from everything, this is life. Sometimes we have to go through stuff we don't want to. We do things that we have to, not because we want to. Desperate times calls for desperate measures. They will survive. I promise you" the quiet woman said.

"I am just thinking if this is too big a price to pay. He is going to get everything, everything. After all these years, he will win. He has the money, he has the house, he has the brand new car, he is the one travelling all over the world, he has the career, and what do I get? Nothing. He will be the winner" she was crying hard. The people at the other tables looked at us. I reached for her hand across the table.

"You will have your freedom. You will have peace. You will have laughter. You will have joy. You will have yourself. You will have your life again" I said.

I could not sleep. I thought of all the degrading ways in which she had been treated...in front of the kids. No child needs to see those things.

"The price is not too high, not high at all" I thought.

Sleep still did not come. Had I really forgotten about all the bad times? I did not want to look at my diary and remember.  Nothing hurts anymore.

Is that why I was once again, putting someone else before myself, before my needs. before my priorities?

Have I forgotten how people are, how human beings are, their selfish egoistic ways, everybody puts their needs before others. Everybody does what is best for them, even if it means that another will suffer. Isn't that the way of the world?

Why did I forget?

I got up from bed. There was no use trying to sleep. It was four already. I made a strong cup of tea.

I don't want to think about, I don't want to talk about it.

I just want to drink my tea and nothing more.

On all things waffy...

Soul: Feeling pretty good even though I am a bit fed up with people...as usual. Hard to find the balance between being good and just saying "fuck off". I am always somewhere in the middle. Be kind, be good, be nice, remember who you are, bla bla bla bla FUCKKKKKK OFFFF! Something like that.

Love life: Its so complicated that if it gets more complicated than this, a new word will have to be invented. But then again, I am a pretty complicated individual so sometimes I have to give all that a break. Bla, bla bla, story of my life. NEXT!

Writing: Pretty good actually. Feeling positive, inspired and creative.

Finance: Not too bad. At least I wont say I am "surviving" anymore. I am okay, I guess.

Family: My clan is getting bigger and bigger. All my good friends now have kids or are pregnant so I look forward to being the extraordinary super Aunt. My own family is as supportive as ever of my madness. I would not survive in this world without my brothers and sisters. They make life worth living and give me a lot of joy and laughter in my life.

Exercise: The Lord is my strength.

Career: Still looking for a sugar Daddy.

And that's all folks!

Awake...

Like a drunk that wakes up cautiously, suspicious of her environment, (who knows what has happened the night before?), I opened one eye...

I took a quick glance at the vicinity surrounding my bed. Good, there was no vodka. Or ashtrays. Or pizza cartons lying around. There was only my laptop and phone. I am not a drunk after all. Only perhaps, slightly mad. I kicked some of the books and papers out of the way.

I drank the cold tea from the night before. Iced tea never felt better.

I pushed a book down my laptop bag. Two tablets, pain killers...and what the hell is this? well, who cares? some sort of  drug anyway...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, time to hit the road.  Fuck this shit.

Us.

A simple phone call, a text, a mail,
that was all I asked of you,
as minutes turned into hours
and hours turned into a day,
Your voice was all I longed to hear,
But now that means something else
Anger, stress, sadness,  that's your defence
An act of love
Has become the trigger
Fired away with careless abandon
Who cares what it hits?
Underneath the beautiful moments
was always something else
The hanging threat of the truth
That at the end of the day,
There never was any "us".

Last night...

A message from the past...

Today I got a mail that touched my soul. Of all the people that have hurt me in this world, this particular person has NEVER hurt me in anyway. We lived together years ago, in some sort of commune and sure, as young people are, we did all kinds of crazy shit but he never did anything that made me hold a grudge and we have always been friends and kept in touch even after so many years. Apparently, he feels things have not been going so well in his life and he needs to apologise for his past. Embedded in a long letter detailing his life, he wrote:

 "Please waffy, if  you think there is hope for me, please forgive me for all the shit I ever said, thought or did to you"

It really touched me because for the love of God, I can't think of anything at all. I have tried to think of all the shit we have been through but I can't of think of anything that really bothered me. lt he had done anything to me, I would not have remained friends with him.

Which made me think of all the people that DID fuck me seriously over the years and till today, have never apologised. Yet, this sweet guy, that I think of with so much fondness thinks he somehow  has to apologise?

Those that are good are constantly apologising for something, afraid they have hurt someone and those that are evil, go about in the world without any conscience at all. In fact, they have probably forgotten that they ever hurt you. Mad world.

Life can be itchy...

I woke up this morning with the feeling of irritation on my skin. The sun had revealed how much dust was on my bookshelves and the sight disgusted me. I felt a sense of panic, my back began to itch, as if the dust was on my back and not on the shelves. I ran to the bathroom and scrubbed my skin until the itch disappeared.

A normal person would immediately begin to do something about the bookshelves. Not me, I began to prepare my escape from the shelves and the dust. I dressed up as quickly as I could, gulped my coffee and took the stairs two at a time. By the time I sat on the bus, I was calm again and life did not seem so itchy.

I met a man for lunch. There is an unseen magnet between us, drawing us to each other, no matter the circumstances. At the same time, our life circumstances make it impossible for us to be together. There is always an intensity that makes the soul more vulnerable. Looking into his eyes, hurts my eyes. Maybe in another time and place things could have been. Maybe we have missed our chance. Nobody is prepared to make the sacrifice needed for us to be together. We are both on journeys and let it not be said that one did not allow the other to reach long awaited destinations. Perhaps that is the sacrifice we each have to make? To let ourselves go, despite the unyielding force of the magnet? Love can come in many shapes and forms. Letting go can also be an act of love.

Spring is on the way, and it brings the promise of newer things. When I look back at this time in my life, I will remember many things. The promise of love, the bonds of friendship and sisterhood, the gripping hold of insomnia, the end of fear of the end, the strong will of freedom and the promise that my life will never be a consolation to those who did not pursue their own dreams. I therefore, must succeed. Failure, is not an option.

There are many sacrifices to be made and many, I have already made. But there is still more to come and that too, I must be prepared for.

So here's to those of you that struggle in long journeys. Life will never give us all that we want. We all, must choose. Some choices are harder to make than others. Make the choices you can live with, but above all, be true to yourself.

Love.