Loving it!

Obsessing...

Great Lyrics! Can't get over them!

If you’re living the unlivable
By loving the unlovable
It’s time to start changing the unchangeable
Be leaving the unleaveable

Come on

If you’re living the unlivable
By loving the unlovable
It’s time to start breaking the unbreakable
And replacing the irreplaceable

Alas! the experiment ends...

You can all breathe a sign of relief. There shall be no more dates or exciting new meetings with interesting characters. After much thought, okay, I shall not lie. I gave it no thought at all, except a feeling suddenly came over me that I was through. So, did I find anybody interesting? Somebody that I want to know more of? No. Not really. Out of 6 men! you might scream with awe. Do not scream. I am not picky. As a line goes in a song I know, "we light the fire with paper and not wood". Basically, my fire for dating has burnt out. It's one of those fires that burns fast, cos it was not real fire anyway, not with wood. I wanted to be sure that I had done EVERYTHING, so I can now offer all those that might question my life as a spinster, the following words, "I tried everything". That said, I had a lovely time observing and noticing details, making up stories in my head and indulging in one fantasy or the other. Why I have chosen, today of all days to end my play with "paper fueled" fire, is a mystery.

Everything is going well, I have two potential lovers and there is hope that my heart might finally let go and I would be bouncing along in bubbles of delight and love. However, it has come to my attention that I am not taking any of these dates as seriously as I should. I spend most of my time drinking in their details and making notes about potential characters. It is sad indeed. Should I not be falling in love or at least having some sex? Taking all these facts into consideration, I have decided to end my dating spree for the time being. Perhaps in the future I might have a sudden burst of energy again? Who knows?

But for now, I hang up my jacket and drink some tea.

Where were we?

Even I, am confused with all my dates...but lets try and sort this out.

Met date number 4 again.

I think I like him cos he seems calm and fun. He works hard and plays hard, which I think is what life should be about. What is the point of working so hard if you don't get to enjoy yourself? Also, he was quite a gentle man. I think I mentioned that before. It all seems to be going so well, except for this minor complication...which is date 6.

Date number 6

Well, not actually a "date", but I am giving him a number too , so he can be in the race. I kinda bumped into him at the bus stop. Yes! I know! My dream of just casually meeting the man of my dreams at the bus stop or preferably on the train, might actually come true...well, lets not get ahead of ourselves here. I met him at the bus stop. I was rushing like mad to get the bus and the bus just left! He was smiling and said "you just missed it" and I must have said a couple of incomprehensible sentences including swear words. We got on the same bus later on and just got chatting...

Anyway, so date number 6 is very much like me. Global. I like "global". Laughs a lot. I like laughing. Swims. I swim. Might be "intense"...ehhhh...halllllllllo! I am "intense" and spontaneous. I am spontaneous.

The big fear of course, as my lovely friend Tina put it (Thanks Tina!) was that there was a potential that next week he will buy me a necklace and declare his undying love for me (Why exactly a necklace, I do not know, but I am assuming Tina has experience with those types). That just means, it might get serious really fast which is what WE (I and Tina) do not want at all. We would like it to be slow and calm, which is what we have decided that I need. Which brings us back to date number 4...

Date number 4.

Well, it seems his catch phrase might be "sleep on it". As we departed again, last night, I asked him if he thought I liked him at all..


This seemed to startle him and I am quite sure he stammered a bit. Finally he said "Sleep on it"...

I started laughing...

What exactly do we know of date number 4? He is an only child, lived in Germany for ten years, enjoys sailing, hockey, football and drinking beer. Seems to be living a care free life full of sports activities and friends. Been single for a long time. Why????

Basically, they both have the potential to kill me one day and leave me in a dustbin...according to Tina. We really know nothing of these two characters. Except one is very forward and the other laid back.

Update on date 6

Not sure I am "that" interested anymore. He walks very slow. I can't stand people that walk as if they don't have any time limit. It irritates the hell out of me. This must come though from the fact that I always disliked seeing all those rich men in agbadas in Nigeria, strolling without a care in the world, with somebody else carry their briefcase. I guess those images have traumatized me for life.

*agbada*= traditional Nigerian Attire, mostly worn by rich big bellied men.

What else?

I am back in the groove...

Have a good week, people.

Tired of debates, speeches, election campaigns, politics...

Yesterday I dropped a few coins in a hat
Your heads were right on top of us
Smiling down at us, picture perfect posters
White teeth gleaming in the subway
Smiling down at the dirt and filth
and yet you hardly see anything
and now I can't see anything...

You have blocked my view.

Back in "Alicia Keys groove"...

Happy Sunday. Spending the day "cleaning" (we'll see how that goes), listening to music and drinking beer.

Lots of love.

Update on "ze men"...

Okay, so for those that do not not know, I have been on a series of dates. You can check out them out here. Anyway, lets move on. What number are we on now? Yeah, number 5, I guess.

Date number 5

Talked way tooooooooooooooo much. He made me nervous, men. For anything I said, he said five times more. Anything I have done, he has also done, and even more. Anything I knew, he also knew. He seemed like a nice guy but he was not relaxed at all. I was not at all comfortable, but the weird thing was that he apparently likes me, a lot! And I am like "huh?" Upper class, well dressed, etc etc. I apparently, want a "bum" in my life since there is really no reason why I am so turned off by these nicely dressed men with expensive watches and nice gold cards.

God, please send waffy a bum.

Okay...

I am up. Drinking coffee and pretending I am a very strong and brave woman that can take on the world. I have to actually get in character to be able to leave my apartment today. How am I? How am I?

Well, despite the fact that I have been quite depressed, I have to say, I am quite lucky. I remember writing a post once about how I always get calls from people I have not heard from in a while on days when I really feel bad...

I can't dig out that post now, but its the weirdest thing. Let us take yesterday, the worst of the days. I was down. Completely out. Let's look at the people who got in contact with me, yesterday, of all days.

1. My two sisters (okay, not a surprise cos I talk to them quite often)

2. A colleague from work. ( A surprise)

3. An old friend from Nigeria (???)

4. My ex's mother (???)

5. An old room mate I have not spoken to in more than 8 years (??? we ended up talking until 4 in the morning)

6. A mail from another friend from Nigeria (possible he read my blog??? but I doubt it)

7. Phone call from good friend who just got back into town so I met her up at the station and we had coffee.

I can be in complete solitude for months, without a word from anybody, and then suddenly, everybody gets in contact on the same day! If they could only spread themselves out a little bit, over days and months, it would help.

However, I am grateful that I am loved.

So now, I shall drink coffee and pretend I am strong and brave.

Crap life.

Scared...

I fall so deep sometimes
I try to crawl out
but darkness envelopes me
Its hard
So hard
and I see nothing
There is a light, they say
If I look hard enough
There is a light, they say
I try to crawl out
but its so dark
so dark
and all I do is fall...

Be Drunken...

Be Drunken, always. That is the point; nothing else matters. If you would not feel the horrible burden of time weigh you down and crush you to the earth, be drunken continually.

Drunken with what? With wine, with poetry or with virtue, as you please. But be drunken.

And if sometimes, on the steps of a palace, or on the green grass in a ditch, or in the dreary solitude of your own room, you should awaken and find the drunkenness half or entirely gone, ask of the wind, of the wave, of the star, of the bird, of the clock, of all that flies, of all that speaks, ask what hour it is; and wind, wave, star, bird, or clock will answer you: "It is the hour to be drunken!"

Be Drunken, if you would not be the martyred slaves of time; be drunken continually!

With wine, with poetry or with virtue, as you please...

-Charles Baudelaire

Wouldn't it be great...

If you could just walk up to someone and say "You! I have a good feeling we could be good together"...


Wouldn't life be so simple? But no, we have to go through all this long drawn out process of knowing someone, then the hopeless dates, and so forth...

It might actually take a whole year to get to the point, which will probably be the same thing. He/She will say to the other " I think we could be good together". That's if they actually get to that point...one day...

Or, you could always do it my way, which just involves seeing someone from faraway and having day dreams...you don't make an effort at all. You just watch and are satisfied having your secret crush. In your sick fantasies,one day, he will see you. He will walk up to you and say "I think we should get some coffee" and you will both know, immediately that you will be together, forever and ever...

Well, that's the long version.

The short version is that he fell in love with you at first sight and at that moment, walks up to you and say "It is me and you"...

With Nina Simone playing in the background...


How pathetic!

A series of men....

Date number 1

I was excited. Nervous. He had talked about beautiful mornings, coffee and croissant, books and films. He would be mine. We talked about everything, our past, our future, our hopes, our dreams, he was just wonderful...or was he?

His apartment smelt of cat. Cat hairs all over the place. Why would a single man want to live with only a cat? His bookshelves were filled with books but it looked like books he had inherited. The apartment looked inherited. Everything was old and looked like it belonged to someone else. I did not really understand why he lived this way. Everything about him suggested a modern man that lived in a modern apartment...yet, his habits seemed old and calculated. He was in all sorts of boring clubs and unions. His music taste ended with classical. I was afraid to mention my love for hip hop and reggae...

Those wonderful summer days, spent walking by the sea, holding hands, reading together, sharing our secrets...wasn't it amazing? And when he did not call as often as he should, did I not fret? Cos I liked him so much...or did I?

There was the issue of his "dryness"...he did not laugh easily, and was perhaps a tad too serious. Compared to him, I was childish. Laughing easily at a picture of a man who had a tattoo of a butterfly on his buttocks. I thought it was funny, and laughed heartily while he looked at me like I was embarrassing him. There is also the issue of his singing in the choir. I don't trust anybody in a choir. I don't know why, but it all seems like fishy business to me...I have never liked "choirs" for some absurd reason. But he did give me his toothbrush to use... Two points. And minus ten for dryness. And the cat issue...

Date number 2

I wish I could give you details of erotic sex scenes, wild passionate nights, sex drugs and rock and roll, after all, when two creative people meet, shouldn't it be an explosion? Sadly, my second date was devoid of any sexual attraction. There was nothing to suggest that there would ever be any kind of spark between us. I had never really been with anybody who at 38, still dresses like "Green day". An old punk. But an incredibly nice old punk. He was some sort of sound artist, and he spent the night educating me on his art. I am hopeless with technical details and of course, did not understand anything, but it was interesting. He made an effort to get to know me and we spent the whole night talking. We did not talk about meeting again. There was really no need to mention something as obvious as the lack of attraction between us. It was unspoken, but friends we shall remain.


Date number 3

Considering date 1 also started off with a wonderful exciting feeling...I shall have no expectations. But he seemed nice. Thoughtful. Caring. And he walked me all the way to the station... he wrote afterward, that he had had a great time, but could that be trusted? It was lovely to see him again and he laughed at all my jokes and I totally got his too! We both did not want to go home yet, so we walked for quite a while, laughing all the time. The MINUS: He just got out of a relationship that he is not completely over yet. The plus: He has potential??? One more plus: He has lived in Africa and knew a lot about Afro beat, high life, etc. Big plus?



Update: Date number 4

I have to say, I am pleasantly surprised! Just came back from "date number 4". First of all, you should all know that I made no effort at all. For some reason, I just could not be bothered. I went there with an attitude. My attitude was "okay, lets get this over with loser!" Very sad, I know. The fact that I expect all men to be "losers". Anyway, so I go there with this attitude and who comes in? One of the most normal men I have met so far. Very much himself, was just okay. First we had coffee then we went to get some drinks. Just a normal conversation, nothing too spectacular. It was "pleasant", comfortable, not too tasking. Don't know what else to say, except, I think there is a possibility of me at least being curious enough to want to get to know him. Yes, I know that sentence looks complicated but I can't really describe it any other way. When we said good bye at the station,

He said "Maybe we'll keep in touch, yeah?

I said "Maybe"

"Well, sleep on it" he said.

For once my dear friends, for once, I am in the position to CHOOSE! HA HA HA HA HA (devilish laugh). Men are always "choosing" me. Not this time, mutherfuckers, now, I choose. I shall check them all out, weigh their pros and cons, and then, I SHALL CHOOSE! HA HA HA HA HA...anybody I don't like, well, out you go, and NEXT!