The last shit of the year.

A stupid internet site has just taken all my money in my account because in my haste many months ago, I never looked through the conditions of what I signed on for.

Now I see they have an "automatic payment" system which I thought only I could authorise with my bank but I guess I was too stupid to understand that they could take it from the card I used.

That, hopefully, is the last shit from 2010 for me. I have written mails, I have called my bank, it had been reserved six months ago on my card so its gone already. C'est la vie.

This year was shit and it ended shitty.

2011 can't be worse than 2010. If I survived this year, then I can survive any year.

I am super woman.

and still liking...

(Patrice&2008)

I like 2011!!!

I like me in 2011 already...I am already looking good...he he he he...

Merry Christmas my dears!

Lots of love.

On a Sunday...

I was at the hospital yesterday. Finally, I got some strong anti biotics and something else for my chronic sinus inflammation. Just getting myself there was so tough. I was totally disorientated and I had no idea where I was but the kind nurse was really patient and understood that I was really ill which unfortunately, some others could not understand. I was in tears by the time I got there cos I was so very tired. According to the doctor, this extreme fatigue I have been experiencing is because of a strong infection and because my whole system is totally fucked up. He assured me that I will be better in a week or so. I am counting.

This whole christmas season is going past me cos I have not really had energy for anything and I still do not. All I want to do is sleep and get better. I guess the partying will be saved for the new year instead.

I saw all kinds people yesterday, everywhere. An addict, walking back and forth with sores and blisters on his mouth, looking confused. A man with the most amazing mustache staring lovingly at his pregnant wife who was in hijab. A French couple who both looked pinched. Another couple who laughed all the way on the bus....

Now I am tired again. Later.

Going to bed...

My life...

Ooops...

I have been in darkness since I moved in because I took out the lamp that hung and wanted to hang mine. It did not work. Tina said it was because the bulbs had gone out so I bought new ones and still it did not work. Then I decided to try different ways to hang it, well, obviously I have been plugging it in the wrong "holes"...whatever. Its not as complicated as it sounds, its just that I don't know these things.But now its working anyhow so its all good.

I found my old wallet. Its been gone for two years...I found all my library cards....which is such a relief. I already got a new one for one of the libraries that I use often, but never got around to making new cards for the others. There was no money in it though. Disappointing...

I found a luxurious bar of soap though in an old travelling bag. Quite useful.

I am slowly unpacking but its taking time.

I need bookshelves.

But I am averagely okay.

In new place...

This post is a little bit "scattered", but I can't really be bothered to get my thoughts in order...


I haven't really been able to properly think about anything because I am having such a tough time recovering. I think its because I have not rested properly. Anyway, somehow, I don't know how, but I managed to get through moving day yesterday. Carrying boxes and all, but to say the truth, I had two really strong friends that did most of the heavy work. Without them, it would have taken me the whole day. It took us, just three of us, 4 hours.

Then I was left alone with boxes in an empty apartment. It felt like when your parents drop you off at boarding house. They help you pack, make sure everything is okay, you have everything, nothing is left behind, and then all of a sudden you are alone.

Feels like it happened without warning even though you have been going through the motions packing.

But it was not that bad. I ate at Tinas place yesterday and her son had set the table for me, and was really concerned that I ate, which made me want to cry.

And Tina was here and made the place a bit more homely with just a few tricks. Carpets and television. And then she was off, like Mary Poppins.

This gave me strength to do a few things. Like fixing the internet and insurance and booking laundry time.

My brother called me yesterday just before I was about to sleep and that made me feel not so alone.

I woke up this morning and lifted boxes here and there, just to make some room for my legs.

I feel a bit vulnerable but I have to think of the advantages of this new place...

Oh by the way, heard an interesting comment from Mario( noble prize winner) on the little round table discussion with all the Nobel prize winners (I have to say it was not at all as interesting as it should be. Not impressed. I don't know what I was expecting but the other years have been more interesting than this, just Mario was impressive). Anyway, so, the moderator made an interesting observation, that most of the Nobel prize winners are people who have lived in different countries, ie, have lived a couple of years here and there, etc, he asked if they thought it was because they moved to those countries that they had become successful.

And Mario said, no, it was only because those kind of people that move around a lot are naturally curious, can adapt easily and are willing to continue to learn new things which is probably why most of the panel are Nobel prize winners, because of their nature and not because of the countries they have lived in.

Anyway, internet is working, even though I am not sure I have clicked the right boxes. That will be solved over the phone. Same for insurance. Any problems will be solved over phone. For now, things are working so I am happy.

Now I have to get something to eat.

I think it will be good here, as soon as I get myself to IKEA...

In this apartment...

I am surrounded by boxes. I am moving.

I have fought so many battles in here, with myself.

Oh how I have cried here! and regretted moments, days, years, I was unconsolable. I was so sad...

But how I have danced here! Free and with arms and feet, I have danced and danced...I was unstoppable. I was so happy...

For sure, I have been lonely. Very lonely. Sometimes I could not sleep. I would be awake, hoping someone would call me. Nobody ever did.

But this is also where I learnt to love my own company. I found a friend in me and many times I was awake, having the best of times and hoping nobody would call.

Oh, but wasn't this also where I had some sort of mental block? and couldn't write for months?

Oh yes, but this was also where I began to paint, and sing, and draw, and do things I had never done before.

But did I not used to drink at nights here, just to be able to close my eyelids?

But I began meditating here too, morning and nights, and I did close my eyelids.

But did I not lose love again here? Remember the man that you thought was just like you?

What love? Isn't this the same place I laughed out loud at the stupidity of it all? Oh how I laughed at them all...

How I have grown in this apartment!

But the greatest gift this apartment gave me, was my favourite inspiration.

This is the best gift I got. I found inspiration again, to just be me.

But as my friend Tina said, "Its time now, Waffy. Its played its part".

And its true. This apartment has played its part. Now its time to move on.

Closer to the city, closer to friends, closer to life.

I am grateful for having been in this place and the people I have met here.

Life calls. Adios.



Just cos this is on the radio now...

Arrogant asshole...

The last time I saw him, he said he was not looking forward to Thanksgiving. He did not have many American friends here and would probably have to watch the football game alone. That is why I thought it would be a good idea to wish him a happy Thanksgiving on that day. I wrote "Happy Thanksgiving, hope you enjoy the football". I did not think much of it, so when I did not get a reply, I wasn't bothered either. I hardly knew him to be bothered about not receiving a reply.Perhaps I had sent it to the wrong person....

I was about to leave when I saw him today. I began a sentence "I sent you a text to say..." he cut me off. He did not look at me as he swaggered down the corridor, all I could see was his back and his jeans hanging a bit too loose from his waist like a teenager, as he said, "Yes, I appreciated that, I had a lot of texts on that day" and then he turned left and disappeared.

What I was going to say, before he cut me off, was "I sent you a text to say Happy Thanksgiving but I probably sent it to the wrong person". Why did he not let me finish my sentence? Why did he not face me while he was talking to me? Eye contact would have been nice but perhaps that would be asking for too much. At least, he could have turned to look at me while he was talking, or is that also too much to ask for?"

I continued with my "winter business" without acknowleding what had happened. I stuffed the legs of my jeans into my winter boots. I wore my gloves and my jacket. I said goodbye to all and began the walk down to the bus stop. I walked the same way I had seen him walk, with a non chalant swagger and my shoulders straighter than usual. My hands were in my pocket and I had a smile plastered on my face. It would not surprise me if anybody who watched me from behind would assume that I was whistling as well. That was the image I wanted to give. Care free and nonchalant, just in case he happened to be watching from the window.

It wasn't until I sat down on the bus that I allowed my shoulders to drop and muttered "arrogant asshole".

In this kind of mood...

Sunday.

White.

Sublime.

One of those videos

Just one of those videos my parents had in their tapes of "top of the pops". You can not imagine how many times I watched this as a kid. I used to think these women were just the coolest I had ever seen in my life. Although my parents always "fast forwarded" the vidoes they thought were a bit too much, still I watched this and many more with my brother who is two years older than I am. When I was really small, my favourite past time was to follow him around for no apparent reason. He'll just be doing his own stuff, building lego or whatever, and I'll be there, just standing around...I must have been such a nuisance...

Listening to...

Bless you all!

Lots of hugs, guys! I wish you all nothing but the best from the bottom of my heart! Hope life is treating you well, and if its not, keep your head up. Good times will surely come...one day...hopefully...but it doesn't matter. Its today that counts, so keep your head up.

Lots of love

On the mend...

I woke up by 4 today. Washed dishes. Cleaned. Even mopped floor.

I feel better. Nose still blocked. Fever gone. Throat on the mend. Hungry for first time this week.

Can't wait to get back to the library. I have lots to do.

How are you all? I do hope you are all doing well and preparing for Christmas. As you all know, I won't be preparing for anything. I will basically drag myself through it.

But don't lose hope for me just yet. I might still find my old Christmas CD in one of these boxes and sing along...while dragging myself through...ha ha ha ha...

Finally...

Combed my hair. It was not pleasant.

I tried to find a video on youtube to show the dreary process that I have been going through but I could not find any that had the kind of serious knots my hair is capable of producing. My hair is long as well but I really have no idea how it is able to tangle itself so much that it looks totally flat. Flat. Like somebody molded somebody's dreadlocks and then ironed it flat on my head. Its amazing.

First, I emptied half a jar of hair cream in it...yep.

I am so tired, I can't even finish this post. I dont know why I really felt like I needed to detangle the damn hair. I just felt so irritated by everything and a nearby scissors was seriously tempting me...

Its done now and I feel better. I don't think I will be tempted to chop it all of when my fever returns. My hair might survive this illness afterall...