34!

I just came from facebook, yet another childhood friend just married his heavily pregnant girlfriend. Last week, two of my good friends announced the births of their sons.The week before, another friend had a baby, etc etc. And just two months ago I attended the wedding of one of my closest friends.Needless to say, I am the last woman standing.What will become of me? 

Those were my thoughts when I started this post. I was going to write about how terribly insecure I was feeling. But then, I decided to meditate just before the clock struck twelve. I have always wanted to do that on my birthday. I sat down to meditate and for the first few seconds, an inventory of my worldly goods flashed before me. My small kitchen table and two chairs, microwave, coffee maker, tv, dvd player, small radio (with broken antenna) cupboard, bed, bookshelves and books...only those are maybe worth something. Everything else, I can throw away. Two old carpets. Clothes...etc.

I started laughing. Then I cried for a second, then laughter again. How pathetic I am! I thought. But then suddenly, a big smile came on my face. And I did what my father would have wanted me to do and always did for us. I prayed for myself. (I don't do religion because that is such a complex issue for me but I was comfortable to use God in my prayer, so there it is).

Thank you God for everything.
I know I am a hopeless case.
I don't have to tell you too much.
You know my doubts, my fears, my nonsense.
You know very well my thoughts, all my stuff.
But I am not blind and I don't have cancer.
My life is pretty okay.
Today I walked alone in the forest
There was the sea, and the trees and brown earth beneath my feet,
There were all these things and I felt quite happy to be able to see and do these things.
I am alone and sometimes I feel lonely but I am so grateful that I am free.
I am free, I am free, I am free.

And to round off my prayers.... 





You can read about my thoughts on turning 30, 31, 32, and 33. How time flies on this blog. Fuck!

In the groove...

Sun is shining.

Back on track?

Okay, so I do try from time to time to break out of my usual. Meet new people, socialize more, etc etc, try and make new friends, you know. My mum would say that is progress.

But...

Why should I do all these things when nothing ever comes out of it except me getting disappointed with humanity?

I have never come out of these adventures feeling refreshed, rejuvenated  with hope for the world. More often than not, it is "damn, human beings suck!". So I usually just go back to my old life style which is not so bad. I have really good friends and family that loves me. I have my clan, so to speak. People that I know actually love me. Not people that I am not even sure if they "like" me or not. I feel better when I am doing my own things, just living my life as it is day to day, doing the things I am supposed to do and trying fucking hard to be a good person. Surely, that must be enough? Why do I keep going out there????

I am happier in my misery than in the misery of the world.

The truth is, I don't want to hide but more often than not, I can't help it. These sudden bursts of extrovert-ism often leave me exhausted and crawling back into my cocoon. 

Combing hair...

Its kind of therapeutic, combing hair. Well, at least since it takes me a long time with the same motions....

My window is open. I wish I had wine. Maybe I should just make some tea...

Yesterday was quite interesting. From high to low, to high again. Like a roller coaster.

Its 12:23 but I will go for a walk anyway...

Strange...

 No matter how clear things seems to be for me, (perhaps I should say "in my head"), when it goes out there in the world, among other humans, it just looks weird, strange...my thoughts somehow get configured on the way to its destination and on arriving, everything is just fucking strange.

Too honest? Too honest for this world?

Better to keep quiet and go with the fucking flow?

 If I am strange so be it. I am tired of apologising for the good stuff.

Ah, I laugh at life.

Its not that serious anyway. Yeah, yeah, I am strange. Whatever.

Near and far...

Near, near, near and then you are so far away again...

I woke up this morning and realised how far you were from me.

Something is in between us, an ocean, a wall, a dining table, what the fuck.

Waiting for a cup of coffee did not seem right.

Yeah, I bailed.

Part of something...

Why on earth would they play "who run the world? GIRLS!" at 2:21 on radio at night? Who wants to listen to that crap?  Its the worst song ever written.

I was gonna write some of my thoughts, the usual you know, about life.

But this song just threw me off.

I think I just wanted to say how great it was to feel loved and appreciated by all the wonderful people I met today.

It was fun just being my usual goofy self with people who have the same kind of humour. Of course, it helped that we were all wasted.

I don't know, I just felt really good. Like they really liked me, you know.

All of a sudden I felt like I was part of something, part of whatever it was that we were sharing at that moment.

And it felt great.