3 years and still blogging! Whozah!

My blog, is three years old today. It is funny, that the only reason I feel like mentioning it is because I remember quite clearly, when Jeremy of Naijablog wrote about his blog when it turned three. I had just started blogging then, the year was 2007. I remember thinking, "3 years! Ol boy, this guy dey try oh".

I was surprised that anybody would actually be blogging for so long...now here I am, three years later, and I am still blogging. I started blogging for the sole reason that my head felt like it was gonna explode. I always seemed to have too many things to say. I had no idea what "blogging" was. It just seemed like a cool idea, write whatever you want on the Internet. Who cares?

Do I have anything profound to say, you may ask? Nope. Not a damn thing.

Highs: I have made many good friends blogging...its crazy when I think about it. Some of my friends I have met and had good times with. Others I am yet to meet, but I know there will be good times ahead.

Lows:1) Strangers getting upset about the opinions of other strangers. 2)Deceit: Goddamn, 419 dey reach dis side too oh. 3)Paranoa: Anonymity always creates a certain level of paranoa...

My attitude though, through the highs and the lows, has always remained the same: who cares?

Oh, I forgot one high: Being nominated for "most confusing blog"...didn't jaja win that one? hahahahahahahahaha

Ah! My darlings, thank you all for coming to this space of mine. Some call it confusing, others call it depressing and some just call it "the waffarian". Thank you all for leaving comments, playing my you tube videos, writing me mails, chatting with me, sometimes even calling me up. Your participation in my life is deeply appreciated. I wish you all nothing but love, peace and harmony.

Blog on!!!!!!!!!

Name inscribed...

I got my ring back today, with your name inscribed at the back. I forgot to look at your fingers, if you still wore yours. For many months now, I have wanted it, yet, now that I look at it, I don't know what to do with it. I remember when we got it. We had searched for many days. No, I was not the usual girl. You knew you could not ask me to marry you and then give me a ring, cos I would have said, "who sent you message?"....yeah, you knew.

So you asked me to go hunting with you, and boy did we go hunting! We searched everywhere and in the end, we decided we should have it made. I just could not find anything good enough. And then, on that day, in the heat of summer, after going to a jewelers who had to measure my finger and all, "there", you said, lets try one more...and there we found it. I just saw it and said, "thats it". You did not ask how much, you just bought it, and put it on my finger. That was the story of our ring.

For years, people would ask where we bought it. It was a ring that only I, could find. You had it all these months. I would think many times that one day, it would be on the finger of another woman. I would be on the metro, and there, on the finger of the most beautiful woman, would be my ring. I have mourned that ring a thousand times. It has died a thousand deaths.

It was lying in the velvet case, which you had put in a cheap bag. "Both your rings are there", you said. I did not look at you as you put it on the table. I pretended that I had no interest in them. Then you asked for the keys back. I started crying. Years have past, but I still have your keys. Perhaps this is the final closure. Your keys. My keys. I cried.

You, perhaps, have moved on. Like I thought I had. You perhaps, have another woman. Maybe she needs the keys. So I cried. But my mum had said, "its over now, let it go, let it go". Why did I hold on so long to your keys? I never went there, even once. I never took any of my things.

My bottles of prefumes are strewn all over my bed. You say, "I have never seen so many in my life". I wonder how you did not see me collect them all those years. Of all of them, you bought only one. "Live, jennifer lopez", I remember how disappointed you were by my reaction. Jennifer Lopez? Estee Lauder, Lancome,( with the accents) thats what I knew...Jennifer Lopez...

I could never be really grateful, could I? Thats perhaps what you thought. I can not find my red shoes in these boxes, you insist there is nothing of mine left at yours. You changed my bulb...the roof is too high and I can not reach...the hall way has been in darkness for more that a year now. "Don't you have any friends that are tall?" you ask, "I have no friends" I say.

I don't know why I feel so sad. Its the keys. I have held on for too long. Now you are gone, I call you and say "the red shoes are not here". I hear the irritation in your voice, you do not care.

Now I have even more boxes. All my books are here, except those you now refer to as "grandfather's". I wonder why you did not refer to them as such when nobody wanted them. When they were about to be thrown away, when you got mad at me for stubbornly insisting on keeping them all. Now you refer to them as "grandfather's". When everybody else wanted gold and silver, all I wanted were those old books about to be thrown out. Now they are not here, in these boxes, because they are "grandfather's". I have cried today, but it is okay. You have your keys, I have my perfumes, books and my ring. I guess that is all I wanted in the end.

Sapphire

So! Even though I am a bit tired, I have decided to go to the book meeting with Sapphire. Of course, you all know about the book, "Push" which is now a movie, "Precious" and has made the rounds in film festivals, etc. Anyway, the book is creatively written, especially if you know the way the mind works, and words, and reading and teaching, and the minds of teenagers, kids, etc. I love the story as well, but most of all, it was the way she told the story that made me love the book. I remember reading the book and smiling, thinking, "ah! she has a great mind...yeah, this is creative...umhmmm, yeah, yeah, well done" Most of the time, I was more into the way the story was unfolding than the story itself. Anyway, I don't think I have any questions...but they usually come up when I am there, so we'll see. Also, it will be interesting to know more about her. I think she is pretty exciting anyway!

Update: Well, I knew she would be intelligent but I did not know she would be funny as well! I am glad I went. I did not get to ask my question, but it really did not matter because she really got into the discussions and she had so much energy! She has a strong presence as well, for such a tiny person. You should have heard her read the first page of the book! What a performance! Well, she is a poet and used to performing, so I guess less could not be expected. I bumped into a friend of mine as well there...all in all, it was an interesting and worthwhile experience.

Jacob the dreamer...

I have decided to start writing down my dreams/nightmares. One of the reasons I do not enjoy sleeping is because I dream a lot. And they are always quite intense. I dream about my own thoughts, actions and even fantasies. That is why, I do not watch action/thriller movies and defintely, no horror movies. Anything that happens in my life manifests itself in my dreams and vise versa. My sister calls me "Jacob the dreamer". I also often dream about my family and friends as well, and I know when someone is ill, in trouble or sad. But that is a story for another day. Apparently, my grandmother was a great dreamer as well, as is my mother. Anyway, from now on, my dreams would be narrated here. If you are interested in giving interpretations, feel free. I am writing them down just because. Perhaps I can make sense of my life? Perhaps it will be therapeutic? I have no idea, but they shall be written down.

Sleeping pills...

Any of my regular readers would know this already, I have insomnia. Last week was the worst week in the history of my insomnia. I slept only three hours on thursday night. The rest of the week nights, I was awake. I normally do not sleep well, but at least, every week, I do manage to get a day or two where I can have a good night's sleep and that just happens to get me through the week. You might think that's crazy, but it's true. I am always grateful to get just that one night. But last week...I had none of those nights. I have taken sleeping pills a couple of years before when it was really bad, but havent had them in recent years. Well, after a week of no sleep, I shall be taking myself to the hospital tomorrow and asking them to do with me as they please. I shall take any drug cocktail required. I need to sleep. I need drugs.

Apart from that, things are okay. Most people are shocked when they find out how little I sleep. The funny thing is, I do not really do anything at nights cos I am too tired anyway. I mostly browse the internet or watch TV in a dream like state. I can not even read cos my eyes just see dots all over...

I need to get to Ikea. I need to get laid. I need to sleep.

Its all quiet...

I can't sleep
Rocks turn to oceans and oceans to rocks
Life, twisted, meaningless
one thing today
another tomorrow
So much to do
and I never do
Take each day at a time
they all say that
but they are not here in my dreams
when rocks and oceans become one
its all quiet when they do that
soon I wont be able to differentiate them anymore
I will run into the ocean and straight into ugly, grey
there will be blood, lots of blood
then they will say again, take each day at a time
but i bleed in my dreams i will say
and you are never there
because when they become one, the rocks and the oceans
its all quiet.

Note: do not ask me what this means, I have no clue. It is 5:45 am.

OOOPS! I DID IT AGAIN!

There is really no feeling in the world that can be worse than realizing you have just made an utter fool of yourself. I swear. This particular feeling is the one that will keep you "wincing" for decades. God damn! Must life be so hard? I mean its always better to realize this sooner than later, but still...it is annoying, cos perhaps you have been smiling a bit too much? sharing a bit too much? all of a sudden you realize you have fucked up...but you wanna know too...thats the worst part. Deep in your stomach, you feel it coming...you wanna puke...you can taste it in your mouth, but you still wanna know. So now you know, what you suspected...that perhaps, you have fucked up? Christ...I need a drink...

Happy New Year!

I love new beginings! We can all now just breathe a sign of relief and start all over! That's the miracle of time. You keep getting second chances for no apparent reason. Just because...

Round up of last year: I am super woman. I really have no idea how I pulled it all off. New jobs, new apartment, new everything. There is not much progress in my living conditions, I have to be honest. Believe it or not, my apartment is still as it was when I moved in. I have done absolutely nothing at all to make the place better. I never have the time. But...it is a brand new year and this year, I shall be better at planning and paying my bills...and taking vitamin C.


Writing: Feeling better about it, yeah, I know. I have a strange relationship with writing...sometimes I feel really good about it and sometimes I just can't write exactly what I want. I read books and think "but thats exactly what I wanted to say!" only somebody else found a way to write it better. It is a constant battle, I think. To be able to write the way you want. It takes a lot of time and practice... keep going through stuff over and over in your mind and hope the right sentence comes out.

Reading: Oh wow! So many good books I read last year but the one that left the most impression on my mind would have to be "the brief wondrous life of oscar wao" by Junot Diaz. Its really a good book. Interesting and full of so many details. Creatively though, I'd have to give it to Herta Muller's "The land of the green plums"...great, great, writing. Poetic and lovely. How can a translated book still be so good? Normally, things are often lost in translation, but this not this one. If anybody has not read these books...then, you have to.

Friends: Where dem dey? Just kidding! I have a couple of friends I keep in touch with but none that live where I live. So its mostly chatting, mail and phone calls. Even though it would be nice to have friends here as well, I am kinda used to it.

Job: I enjoy my job. It gives me a very warm feeling, and I don't feel useless on planet earth.

Melancholy moments: Not so bad actually. I think I will always have such moments in my life but I doubt if they will overshadow my happy moments. I have come to terms with that fact.I doubt if there is anything that can be done about it short of going on prozac!


Health: I need to get back to the gym! All this eating in the night is really not good for me....but now its 8:00 pm and I feel like eating an omelette!

Hobbies: I need to find other hobbies apart from "reading and writing". I mean, "reading and writing" means I am basically boring. I just sit at home doing one or the other. I should be more fun! Perhaps I should take up painting? But I can't paint. I think I 'll try bowling. I tried it during the hols but I totally sucked...I could improve...yeah, bowling seems like a good idea...


Men: They exist, I am told.


I wish you all a very good year. May we all have lots of love, beauty, harmony and peace in our lives this year.