Tender heart...

I have never been one of those people that tried hard to be in a group. Sometimes I am in, sometimes I am not. It does not really matter to me. I just drift along and go wherever the tide takes me.

Anyway, recently I was among a group of people that I have known for a quite a while. I really like every single person in this group. However I have never really thought about their feelings towards me. I was not too bothered if they liked me or not. To say the truth, I never even thought about it.

Recently, we sat down for coffee and I was surprised when they started giving me compliments...with me sitting there. It was so difficult for me. I think I was in shock. I really believe I would have handled it better if they has said things like "You know waffy, you are so weird". I would have laughed and said something like "yeah I know". However, nobody said anything bad. Everybody had something nice to say about me. "You are nice to us", "You have so much energy" "I am always happy to see you" etc etc. I did not know how to behave.

It was all so strange to me...and this is the problem.

Why should it be strange to hear nice things about yourself?

And this is not the first time that I have behaved like a fool when I get compliments. Anytime a good friend of mine attempts to thank me for anything or give me a compliment, I never even say "you are welcome", instead I say things like "but that was not good enough, I could have done this or that, etc" or I change the subject. I never even fully accept any compliment.

And that is exactly what I did with my group. I tried so hard to change the subject...


But, the worst part of it all, is knowing that if they had said negative things about me, I would have been somehow relieved. Everything would have been very natural to me...

How sick is that? That's not right.

I know why I do it. It's to save myself the pain of once again being "the odd man out". The way I think has always been different from many people I know. Anytime I say things, people behave as if thats the first time they've ever heard such a thing. With time, I have just got used to thinking that I am a bit different wherever I go. I stopped giving people a chance to know me or see the real me. Everybody kinda gets a watered down version of myself because I always protect the "real" me.

It saddens me that I have become this way.

It saddens me that I can never really accept beautiful things about myself.

It saddens me that because of certain men in my life, I have believed that the real me is not worth much.

It saddens my heart.

I think I might be able to trust this particular group of people. I think I might be able to laugh and be generous. I think I might be able to love them with all of my heart. I think I might be able to let them see the beauty in me.

I think I might be able to accept through their eyes and maybe someday through mine, that I am beautiful.