Abeg, no tell me wetin ya pappa be!

See me see trouble oh! Its not as if I have been living under a stone, I know all the Nigerian social rules, I know that in our world it is okay to fling in the professions of family members that have achieved status in society, but I have always thought it went something like this:

Socialite1: Ah do you know my friend? her father is General so and so
Socialite2:Ah really! My uncle Lt so and so is in the Navy actually...............
or scenario 2.
Socialtite 1: Good evening , have you met my friend? her father is in the army, perhaps you've heard of him, he was in the news the other day, General so and so
Socialte 2: Really? maybe he knows my uncle, infact my uncle was in that same news, do you know Lt so and so?

So in my big head, I have always thought it was other people that was meant to sing the praises, well...........my dear people, wetin one of my friends do the other day...........haba! infact, i am still dazed from that conversation oh! Lets call my friend Sophia........ please read this and tell me if it is normal.
Me: ah ah! long time oh! how was your trip to Nigeria?
Sophia: It was so wonderful, infact, it was spendid!
Me: Ehnn ehnnnn, so what did you guys do now?
Sophia: Well........(coughs)....... you know my parents just moved to a very big house. Infact, it is very beautiful, it was really wonderful.
Me: Congrats! how is the family? mumsie, popsie?
Sophia: Very well, you know (coughs), my popsie just bought three cars, infact while we were there, we recieved one straight from the factory(coughs again)
Me: Really! wow! things must be really good in Naija oh! if not that I can't stand the "no light" buisness , i for go dat side, try my luck!
Sophia: Yes oh.........(coughs) infact,my popsie.........................
BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!
Needless to say, that was how the conversation started and ended. Through out the conversation, I had an urgent need to scream: "What about you? You brainless fuck! what have you achieved lately!" Well, I did not do that ofcourse, I just had to follow our Nigerian etiquette, which is: get as much information as possible and pass it on!!!!

To you

I remember the first day I saw you, I asked if you had some tape?
Do you remember? you were quiet and tall, you did not speak much
but your quiet ways made me curious
We were in the same class and soon became friends
I thought we were so different
but still, we became friends
it was not long before i came to rely on you
you always seemed to be there, my quiet, tall friend
One day, I woke up and you were gone, suddenly out of my life
For years, I missed our friendship, your quiet subtle ways
the laughter we shared that never seemed to end
I missed you my friend, I missed you.

Na Beanz?

Just like this guy....he seems so cool for a Naija artist!

Because of Egusi soup.

Lying awake.
Stomach rumbling
Tossing and turning
Because of egusi soup
God, who asked me?
Who sent me message?
Was it greed? Was it the surplus meat?
Was it because I ate a whole pot all by myself?
Was it because I put extra maggi inside?
All this palaver
Because of egusi soup

Especially for you, madam happy!

Hahahahah! I know you'll be curious enough to come and check it out again! Well, i will write a happy story since you decided that my last post deserved "a word" with you! HAPPY, HAPPY! I am overjoyed, ecstatic! anyway, funny story: went to the only African shop we have around here, to buy poundo, the shop is run by ghanians.........quick question: do Ghanians hate Nigerians? or do they just lack respect for us? anyway, went in there, asked about poundo, was informed that only "Nigerians" eat poundo, Ghanians eat "fufu", like fufu is better than poundo! Whatever, those people were damn right rude! and by the way, this is not the first time, I've noticed that everytime I come into the shop, somebody always has to say a stupid comment like: "you are Nigerian right! I knew it!"(at the same time with a strange expression on). Hissssssssssssssssssssss, whatever!The shop is always full with people, I can never figure out what they are doing there, hiding from immigration officers I guess, hahahahhaha and there always seem to be some kind of activity going on in the back room! The next time I go there and anybody makes any of their funny "Nigerian jokes", na both of us go enter one sokoto! nonsense and ingredience! hisssssssssssssssssssssss.

Pretending to be an adult

I have decided that today will be a new day, a day full of promise. I can make it through, I am an adult, how do other adults survive? I mean those that are not on antidepressants or whatever? how do they wake up everyday, put their cloths on and go to work? how do they do that?Well, i have been trying to grow up.........nothing is happening! For years I've been pretending to be an adult! Really, I've got them all fooled, even my dearest partner, he thinks I am responsible!hahahahahahha! I just pretend! I pretend to know about economics, I pretend to read newspapers, I pretend I know about the price of housing, I pretend I understand what exactly the parliament does..........but deepdown, I am just playing my part, I guess the world is really a stage! Well, dear friends, I will be off! Have to go and do my part...........I've done it so many times...........I am almost Perfect...........almost.

Aproko!

For those of you that don't know what aproko means, it is "amebo" "tatafo" or "bizzy-body", we all have that one friend, that friend that is constantly in our buisness, that one girlfriend that seems to know everything, offers their advice about everything and everybody. Yes! You know them, they call us only when they have the "latest gist" or "gossip", they seem to thrive on your misfortunes, always there to lend a helping hand on your way down. Forget about being positive, they will help you see the "misery" of the situation in its full glory and tell you where you went wrong! You see, my dear human beings, I have this one friend that turns up now and then, lets say three times a year. At these times, our friendship is intense, she calls me at all times of the day to gossip and rant about somebody who has either left their boyfriend or husband, is about to, forget about other life situations, that does not matter, what? job?, career? school? that does not matter, she doesn't care about those areas! the one area that is interesting is the "love life"! Yes, my dear people, Nigerian movies have taught us that a husband is the answer to all our problems, a husband! Ah, you think i am lying? Watch those movies again, how many times have husbands left wives or fiancees, tempted by the devil? and what does the poor woman do? get a job? No! be independent? hell no! Well, my dear people, she goes to church ofcourse! and somehow, by the end of the movie, through prayers and "perseverance", the husband comes back to her! hahaha! and what happens to the other woman? she is driven out with nothing! hahaha oh, i forgot, "To God be the glory!" So, i doubt if my friend has learnt this disgusting behaviour from the movies, but one thing is for sure, she is obsessed with peoples' relationships! At this very moment, as another friend's life is unravelling, amebo is there, right beside her, caring, listening, encouraging! hahahahah, i guess for the next two weeks, i'll have to pretend to be away, some faroff destination where there is no internet or phone connections!