Totally high on life!!!!!

I need to get something to eat...I am sooooooo hungry...hope you are all good...

Have a nice week, and remember, "The family that pounds their yam with loud noise thinks the family that pounds quietly do not eat"...

Which basically means that just because you live your life and do your own stuff quietly, does not mean you are doing less than those who make the loudest noise. People that have a need for "hype" and "self congratulatory" messages will never understand why others do not have that same need. They may choose to believe that your life is less than theirs because they have not heard you blowing your own trumpet.

That is okay.

The naija circle is mostly about "hype" and it still surprises me when people fall victim to such pressure..you don't need to "prove" anything to anybody.

Be yourself. Be true. Be good.

Do your own stuff!

Now I have to eat. I am very nervous but deliriously happy! Tmrw I meet an artist who has inspired me and totally changed the way my mind sees things, creatively! I am super excited and can't wait!

Ciaoooooooooooooooooooooo!

A cause for concern...

Just realized why I can now see the contents of my bathroom window sill...they've got rid of all the shrubs, bushes, small trees, flowers, etc that have given me some sort of security all this while...and NOBODY thought to ask me how I felt about that? I am not happy at all. I live on the ground floor. The "reclying bin" is right beside my window. People are constantly there, throwing bottles. I like leaving the window a bit open when I shower. To let out the steam, if not I suffocate. And I like the feeling of being free in the bathroom...this is going to be a problem.

Yesterday, when I came home, I was surprised to recognize the shape and colour of my "shower cap" from outside. I thought it was weird but did not think further of it. But now, I just went in the bathroom and realized that it was wayyyyyyyyy too bright.

If you are wondering about the bathroom window, it is on the same level like if you have a table right under. I can't explain but its not high up. It's a big assed square window that takes up half the whole wall. Basically, if I open it, I can get my bicycle in and out. And all I'd do is have to stretch a bit to lift it over. That's the level I am talking about. This, is a problem.

What overambitious gardener did not think of this???? I am so freaked out!

And talking about being freaked out...enjoy...

Ze Germans...

My eyes are fucked up.

I was at a club the day before yesterday. With my friend and her friends from Germany. Totally crazy guys. I think partying in Germany must be seriously hard core cos they wanted to do "pre-party", then clubbing, then "after-party". Well..

We were denied entry into the first club because the "bouncers" thought two of them were too drunk to get in. I actually thought it was a joke.I have never been turned away from a club because of that...so that was a first! Then we went to the next club and this time, the third German guy was the culprit. The bouncer asked him how many drinks he had had...and he said "just a glass of vodka"...I thought I would burst out laughing...it was too much. Anyway, they let us in, with the promise that he was going "to take it easy" when he gets in. Well...you can imagine..."take it easy"...

These guys are in their thirties and are out every weekend in Munich...they were looking for some serious club with lights and all that...

First of all, before we all went to the "pre party", I was in a very strange mood and did not feel like trying...at all...plus I was really hungry. I thought..."this is gonna be dry" so I called my friend Tina to ask for advice...

"Just say you have diarrhea"

"I should say this to the German guests?"

"Oh they are Germans? well, be patient then, maybe they have synthetic drugs"

Basically, this is how we see Ze Germans. Hard core party animals.

Of course, there were no "synthetic drugs". Just Rum and Cola.

Anyway, so I decided to stay on with my friend and be a good tourist club guide. Which I suck at, cos I never go to clubs...about ten years ago, yeah, I knew stuff. But now, I just know the best places to drink coffee and read books...but we did our best and actually ended up in a pretty decent club. Nice settings, lights, music...and...SMOKE!You know that white smoke thing they use in concerts? I have no idea what its called...but anyway, I almost got blind from that shit. Why the hell they had to blind everybody in the club is beyond me...

I woke up yesterday with swollen eyes...

It is just terrible. I am writing a mail to whoever is in charge about that smoke thing. That can't be healthy. And their DJ sucked too. I'll include that as well.

Happy Weekend. All I am gonna do this weekend is sleep. Ze Germans totally killed me.

Love.

On the road again...

I have had enough of my adventures. My time of decadence has been greatly appreciated and definitely given me enough material to last me a life time. Even with all the madness, I have still managed to immerse myself in books. Its amazing the number of books I have read during this time and never finished. I start one, and just fling it somewhere, then go to the next. What is wrong with me? That's no way to read. What is this new impatience I have? Not only have I been reading like a lunatic but music for some reason, has crept back into my life. I listen to the same songs over and over again...like I used to when I was a teenager.

I looked around me the other day and concluded that something has got to be done. Glasses every where, empty bottles, opened boxes of packages, envelopes, just all kinds of stuff dumped in heaps here and there. This is no way to live, I thought. So I did my dishes.

Not met anybody special yet...why can't I meet anybody "special"? All a bunch of losers. People that never really know what they want or just can't make up their minds about what is important in life.

Met someone but he was not "special". We are both on the opposite ends of the scale on how we see humanity. Lets just say I am the kind one and he is the selfish one. Harsh? Not at all. Even he, admitted that he just wanted things the way he wanted them when he wanted them cos it feels "right" for him that way. A more useless explanation I have never heard. Of course it feels right! Cos its all about you! Selfish mutherfucker! Well, kiss my ass. Move on, cos I want wayyyyyyyyyyyy more than this. Thank God, I am bullet proof these days. I felt bad for some hours of course.It's not easy to let people go, of course not...but what to do? Just have to be brave and keep on moving...settling for less is not an option. Being with such a person would mean waiting for his call day and night and not really knowing "when" or "if" he would call. Enough to drive a girl crazy. Nah. I want more.

Cinnamon...

"You smell of Gardenias" I said, sniffing his collar.

"Its cinnamon"

"I am definitely smelling gardenia"

"There's lots of stuff in there...you wanna try?"

He rooted around in his bag and brought out a small bottle. He sprayed it on my neck...

"Yeah...it is Cinnamon...but there is gardenia in there"





"I am sorry I am not going to walk with you...I don't want you to think I am a terrible person"

"Oh please!...I don't think anything"

"Cos it would be nice to walk with you, I know you don't know me and you don't expect anything"

"Please...its okay...I didn't expect...don't worry about it"

"I know, I know. I know you did not expect me to...you hardly even know me...but I like you and it I am just saying that it would have been nice to walk with you"

"Don't worry about it, please. Its okay"

"Its just so complicated, you know"

"What is? are you married?"

"No"

"Have a girlfriend?"

"No...we broke up...two and a half ways...

"What? its been two and a half years since you broke up?"

"No, no, we were together for two and a half years and we broke up in march"

"Oh...yeah, these things take time...its gonna take a while...you still see her?"

"Yes, its complicated. I'll tell you if we meet again"

"If"?

"Yeah, well, you did not "add me" yet on face book"

"So this all hangs on me now, right?"

"Yes it does"









"

I try...

Don't really what this world is about but I do try my best...I do try...that's really all I can do...

Hope you are all good. Don't worry too much about life. Do your best and that's about it.

I am reading, not a lot of writing (I hope that will come soon) and renewing contacts with old friends and enjoying "auntyhood" (children of friends). I am wondering if I should start taking that role more seriously seeing that my children expect more participation from my side in their lives. Last time, I taught one of them my "secret" when brushing teeth. Now his mum says he enjoys brushing his teeth...that made me feel a bit special. I am wondering if I should start making a regular of having a special time, with the kids? Maybe every Wednesday or something? I could be the "fun aunty", you know, the one that takes them cycling and stuff...

I will think about it...I am often so tired these days...

Love to all...

Thoughts...on...just all kinds...of stuff...

The sofa

"Should we go to bed?" he asked, rubbing my feet..

"I can sleep on the sofa"

"If anybody has to sleep on the sofa, it would be me" and with that, he promptly got up and walked towards the bedroom.

"I thought about you a lot this week"

"What did you think about?"

I could feel him breathing, his heart was racing. That made me feel better. To think that I had some kind of effect on him.

"I don't know"

He laughed. It felt like he scoffed...why couldn't he wait for a couple of seconds? I was gathering my thoughts...

"I thought of many things. That you are "unreachable", and that it did not matter what I did. You were just unreachable"

Our relationship was based on our ability to agree to disagree. I lived my life intuitively. He wanted to plan his life. He worried about the future. What good is worrying about something you can't affect? You can only affect the present. You can only affect "now". He thinks I think he is ridiculous because I laugh a lot. I reassure him that I do not think he is. I told him my latest theory. The one about "mental strength". He wanted to bring all sort of social factors in my theory. I told him I did not care. I liked my theory the way it was. He laughed again. Or was that a smirk? But this was when he were still at the bar. When we got to the apartment, he had bought a book that I had thought of buying but did not buy because I was almost sure I already had it somewhere. James Joyce.

Then he went on a monologue about Ulysses. This was when we were on the sofa. I don't know what he drank. But I drank "Limocello" cos I had seen it so many times on TV and had never tried it.

Then we argued about why artists are a depressive bunch. I argued that it was some sort of "catalyst". Then he said a good artist is a good artist. It would not matter if one was sad or happy. I said creativity is a very lonely process and sometimes the very process of being creative can bring out depression and not the other way round.

He did not agree.

This man. He is a quiet one about his feelings. On every other thing, he has opinions. Like Belgian beer. He knows quite a lot about Belgian beer. I felt uncultured as he ordered something for me. Thank God we did not have to order some wine. Did he know so much about that too? I only drink one kind of wine.

I did not talk any more. I tried to listen. Then he rubbed my feet...

"Should we go to bed?"


What does it matter?

What does it matter that I am falling for you?
What does it matter that I hear music in my head?
What does it matter that rain makes me think of you?
What does it matter that the music is so beautiful in my head and words make me dream of you?

What does it matter?
I only think of the end. The "happily ever after" end that will never come...
What does it matter?

If more could be said. I would say it. But nothing matters.

"I am just going to bed. Night Sweetie"

That's all I said.


Resolved
I did not know how it would be, to see him again. He once said he thought I had no morals...because I took down posters from the streets..."how can you do that?" he had asked. "Laws of the streets" I said. Anything goes...

For some reason, that act of vandalisation turned him off. Completely. I did not return the poster. It had a beautiful poem on it. I still have it...

I did not see him for months afterwards. He avoided me. I did not avoid him. He had a right to his own ideas.

Now, there he was at, standing by the door.

"Wow! great to see you again" he said.

I smiled back.


Everything went so well except for the little fact that we all got incredibly wet on the way back...

"Its so nice to work with you...everybody is always happy when you are here"

"Thats how it should be" I said.

He took my coat off. "I'll get this dry for you. And your shoes too" he said.

Just before I was about to go home, he came back with both.

"Put your coat back on now, its very warm now"

It was warm. "Thank you so much"

"You know, I tried to call you several times, thought maybe you'd like to get a beer with me or something"

"Really? Never saw any of your calls"

"Well, they never even went through"

"Maybe I was not around then"

"Thank you so much, for jumping in like this. I really appreciate it"

"Its not a problem. Anytime"


Mental Strength

I am not sure people know their own strength. I never did. I have always thought leaving alone was easy. I am a product of boarding house. Doesn't that prepare you, somewhat, for independence? So we like to believe. So we think. We just do things. We put on these cloaks of personalities and begin to play our roles. Now we are adults, now we can handle these kinds of things. It is not a big deal. So many people, live alone, some live alone for years and years. Some even die alone. People have always been able to live alone.

You've accepted this, as part of life. No thoughts on the matter.

Until you live alone. For a long time. Then you begin to realize...the strength it takes...wow! you mean all these people, who have lived alone, have had to mentally, be this strong?

You will be shocked. Shocked that these people, who you have seen as ordinary people, have had to be strong...for so long.

You begin to imagine all the young people over the world, who have had to become this mentally strong to live alone.


It is overwhelming. Are we really required to live life being mentally strong for so long?

Not really. That's why people pair up, reproduce, we cant be alone. We don't have to be alone.

Together, we can share the misery.

A small note on life...

I got a phone call today...and here it is:

"Hello? Is that Waffy?"

Why is this person calling with such a serious tone? Did somebody die? I had seen the same number more than three times on my phone now...

"Yes?"

"I am calling from "so and so" bags. You ordered a bag from us that you should have picked up by now"

"Oh yeah, but like I said to someone that called before, I am so busy this week, but I'll pick it up today "

"But you said you'd pick it up on the 31st"

Is she fucking kidding me? She actually thinks I'll feel bad cos I did not pick up a bag? She must be joking...and why does she sound like she is about to cry?


"Yeah, but my work...sometimes we have crisis situations so thats why I couldnt come, but I am free today so I'll be there"

"Yes, but yesterday, we were near to give it away"

Why is she prolonging this conversation? Does it look like I really care about a bag?

"Yeah...I understand"

"If you don't come today, we will be forced to sell it "

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

"Okay then"

"Just so you know"

"Yeah, of course! Ciao!"

People really take life way too seriously. Its only a bag. She could have sold it, whatever. I would have just ordered a new one or gone to another shop. I could care less. And to actually think she thought I would feel bad in anyway...its just a bag. Whatever.

P.S: It was not some "limited edition" bag, or "designer bag" or some sort of special bag. It was an ordinary bag that they had run out of the day I was in the store and I did not feel like buying anything else that day. They INSISTED that they could get that particular bag. I really did not care so I said they could go ahead. And its not some small fancy bag store that is run by a family that depends on it to eat their daily bread. It was just a normal store that sold bags...nothing special or interesting about it. I believe somebody just wants to feel a bit powerful. The almighty decider over bags. Its like when "gatemen" think they have some power over who goes in or out their "oga's" house.

Still having fun...

News of the day : Everybody IS fucked up...

Everyday when I come home from work, I ask myself "what is wrong with you?". The reason for this question is because of the obvious fact that I have been back from holiday since the ending of June and the luggage I travelled with is still right by the door. The clothes have been taken out and washed, but that damn suitcase, is still right by the door with all my tourist memorabilia and shoes in it. Also, its been a week or two since I have done my laundry and instead of folding my clothes neatly and putting them in drawers and cupboards, yep! You guessed right! They are still all wrinkled up in my huge Ikea bag, and I pretty much just take my clothes from there everyday and go to work. That is why, every single day, I ask myself that question "what is wrong with you?"

Yesterday, I visited a friend of mine. He is much older than me, and I always thought a lot more matured and set in his ways...but what do I see as I enter his flat?

His suitcase, still by the door. He has been back from his holiday for over a month now. And in his room, what do I see? His clean laundry in his own Ikea bag...I am guessing he just takes his clothes from there...

I began to think of all my friends and the things I have noticed in their homes...Roland is just a mess. Things are EVERYWHERE. If anybody is fucked up, its got to be him. Tibb, who is always so pedant and notorious for his clean habits at work....you won't believe it! His apartment...lets not talk about it. I even offered to help him put away stuff...

But unto the married couples...even worse. Shoes and jackets everywhere, plates in the kitchen sink, stuff all over the sofa, laundry bags full...children making a mess everywhere...its terrible.

I came home today and for the first time in ages, was not irritated with my damn suitcase by the door. I smiled at it. Its okay. I am not the only one fucked up. Everybody is fucked up.