Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I don't know you

She didn't have the ring she always had."It got lost" she said, somewhere between the first child and third. She now walked with a limp, her fast gait lost along a motorway in India."Riding motorcycles can be dangerous" she said. Paul kept hovering nearby, I could feel his eyes boring into my back, the questions would come, at night, when all was quiet and the children fast asleep. He would ask, "do you regret marrying me?", "do you regret not leaving when you had the chance?". Then we will make love and sleep off in each other's arms, the confirmation that everything is exactly as it should be. I wish Paul would go away...even my friendships are not truly mine. "How are the kids?" I finally asked. She told me they were all doing well. Joan seemed to take after her, studying art and all that "hocus-pocus" as her father called it. She has a small exhibition coming up, perhaps I'd like to come? Paul said I couldn't, we had a lot of unfinished work in the garden. That's what we would be doing next Saturday. "It is?" I looked up from staring at Agatha's hair, now black, jet black, the colour she had always wanted.Paul said it was, then he finally went away. Agatha said she had something for me, she reached into her bag, and brought out an old picture. Good lord! How old could we have been? only 16, that was before Paul and Frank had come into our lives, before the children, before the gardens, before the houses. Before we became like.... everyone else. It was great to see Agatha again, I waved until her scooter disappeared into the darkness and I could not see her scarf flying behind her anymore.

On Saturday, I wore my dress, the one he says makes me look like an old prostitute. I wore my lipstick and my black heels. He looked up from his weeding and said "You know, sometimes I don't know who you are". I did not blame him for saying that, I felt the same way too. Most mornings, I look into the mirror and I say "I don't know you".

9 comments:

Naapali said...

who are we and who do we become?

naijalines said...

We know who we are we just try to deny it sometimes...

Lost at The End said...

What gets me is how slippery it all is. One minute you think you've figured it out. The next minute, you're back in the whirlpool, asking yourself the same fucking questions.

Standtall said...

Hmmm what of her inner being? She must focus on that. Most time we focus on our outter self while our innerself is waiting to liberate us

naijalines said...

@ Standtall
Thats pretty deep...and it's true.

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Ah, time, weaves through the fabric of our lives changing everything and nothing at all. I hope to never wake up someday and not know who I am. The possibility is dreadful. But, for some, probably very liberating.

How you dey? Make you go yarn on your national psyche oh...

geisha.song. said...

i think this was very well written.
really like it

Standtall said...

Yeah I guess

Red Eyes said...

waffy...its probably true, you dont know yourself