Happy Weekend!

Have a great weekend guys!

Lots of love

and remember, you are wonderful.

Note the trees have time to blossom, change their leaves

It would be wrong of me to keep holding unto who I used to be...

I can hide all I want but the seasons have changed.

I need to shed my cocoon but its scary...

Cos even though the cocoon was suffocating, at least, it was safe.

But as Bob Marley says, even the trees have time to blossom, change their leaves.

I used my time well. And I guess its time to change my leaves.

Whether I like it or not, its time to get back into the groove of life.

I have to go with the flow...and be this new healthy minded person...

Thats what I have to do. After all, I did the hardwork, I might as well begin to enjoy life...

Life is mine.

Totally weird...

How could this be? Okay, so last week, I put my bank card in the cash machine and all of a sudden, I realised that I was punching in my old code...so I stopped. I tried to remember my new one which I have been using for some time now. Maybe three months or so. I used the old one for many years...

So I decided to just let it be...that I am sure it would come back to me. All this while, I have had cash so it was not really a problem. Then today I thought I had remembered the code so I tried again but its a wrong code. No matter how hard I try, it just won't come back.

And I can't find the paper I got from the bank with the code on it. I can find the envelope with which I recieved the damn code but not the paper (by the way, why I keep empty envelopes is beyond me...that is certainly an issue to be analysed. I have stacks of opened enveopes...let me not even say "opened"...actually, "torn" or "ripped" apart...)

This is totally freaking me out. Why can't I remember my code?

The thing is I have so many fucking codes for all kinds of things...its no wonder this one has just taken a hike from my brain. Last week I had to learn a new code for another door again...maybe when I memorised that one my bank code was replaced.

and where is that paper? I know I did not throw it away...its here somewhere...

UPDATE: Found the paper. It was in a bag that looked like it was meant to be thrown away...at least the paper bag looked like I had gone through all the papers that were in it...ehhhhhh...that was just the appearance. Inside, there are some serious documents men...why did i just dump important papers in a brown paper bag that looked like it should be thrown away? Jesus!

Morning mummy blues...

So I just saw my friend totally flip out on her daughter. She got angry cos her daughter was watching TV when she should have been dressing up for school...

Men, she just lost it and started screaming at her...

I work with kids so nothing of that sort ever disturbs me.I am sometimes alone with 15 screaming kids that never listen to anything you say. You can say the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over again...you will lose your mind if you have a short fuse.

Plus, I worked for a long time with autistic kids and now with kids that have adhd...ha ha ha ha, "normal kids" for me is just "holiday" time. At least, you are not in danger of being beaten or kicked or scratched or have your eyes plucked out...

I babysit the girl often and I have been here for some days now having abandoned my apartment for a guest. The girl is an angel. She is no problem at all. But that's what I also thought about myself when my own mum used to scream at us every morning. I used to think, "what the fuck is her problem?"(By the way, now my mum denies ever screaming at us like that. In her mind, she was always patient...right! She used to go nuts at us right before we leave the house for school. It was crazytime at our home every morning. My dad was always like how I am now. If you don't do as he says, thats your problem. If you don't comb your hair, ehen, you will go to school like that. Which is how I am. I don't sweat the small stuff...nobody will die from those imperfect little details...)

My analysis of today's morning is that my dear friend is stressed because she is running late. Its totally her fault and not the kid's but like all mothers, they just scream in the mornings...I think its a biological thing. They need to get angry to get things rolling...

I feel a bit guilty though cos I should have said something to the child when she put on the TV but I seriously did not think it was a problem. Her mum was busy going nuts in the kitchen and the girl was basically just hanging around waiting to be taken to school...

Anyway, I need to get going. I need to be out of here before my friend returns and also starts screaming at me.

Good morning.

Life matters, logic, hate, "anonymous", etc

The wise discuss ideas,
The fools discuss how people behave.

Paulo Coelho


If there is anything I absolutely DESPISE is people trying to involve me in shit that does not have anything to do with my world. Those that have been coming to this blog for years already know me and the kind of life I live. Its very simple. I live mine and you live yours. What people do in their own lives, I have absolutely no need to know neither am I bothered by it. Everybody has their own path to live and thats what I believe.

One of the main issues I had when living in Nigeria is the extremely low level attitude towards life that many people have. No offense to anyone but thats how I see it. I absolutely despise this whole conniving, hate and malicious shit people say about each other. People would just come up to you and start talking shit about people you dont know and even if you did know them, is not your business ( I once was on a journey with three ladies who had a couple of mags with them. I swear for the whole journey, all they did was turn the pages of the mags, abuse all the women in it, from head to toe. You can not imagine how many hours of hate I had to sit through. That was perhaps by far, one of the worst days of my life. I was so sad that women had nothing else to do with their brains than just insult one woman after another. At the end of the journey, I asked them if they actually knew any of the women in the mags they had. Of course they did not! To devote so much time and energy on people you don't know, defies logic, at least, in my world. I just don't get it).

My brain is very precious to me, I use it for only productive matters. I seriously do not have any brain capacity for such extremely shallow issues. And even if I had a bit of space for it, then it will be something to do with my own life and not others, be they family or friends.

It is something that I have never understood and still can not understand that kind of level of shallowness, In my own universe, it does not exist. It is just beyond my scope of understanding.

For the past couple of days, somebody has been leaving very nasty messages on my blog. Now, if these messages were meant for me, perhaps they would make some sort of sense. But they are for someone else.

I do not know why this person is leaving comments here when they can contact whoever they wish to directly. There is email, facebook, twitter, if you google the person's name, you will also find a blog.

So why come on here to stalk another human being? It makes no sense.

Also, why can't the person just deal with his/her issue properly? If you have an issue with someone, the proper and sensible thing to do is to confront the person directly and discuss what your matter is.

All this going around stalking, leaving comments here and there, on some sort of "hate rampage", is just the coward's way out.

Be brave, say who you are and confront the person. Cowardice will get you no where in life. If you really feel so strongly about somebody that you can devote time and energy to the person, then you might as well do it properly. What's the point otherwise?

But like I said in the begining, Naija life for me, defies logic. People would rather spend hours, days, years, gossiping and spreading hate than directly dealing with their problems. If only people would use that energy for themselves, they would achieve much more than they actually do. Imagine having so much energy but a postive one and using it on yourself? One could get so much done in life...


Maybe people just enjoy that sort of thing. I don't know. In my opinion, such hate and anger(and more often than not, motivated by envy)is destructive and very unhealthy for the soul. Nobody should bear such hate within them. It is a burden that nobody needs.

Anyway, thats it for today.

Easter is over. Back to life.

Peace.

What I actually did...yesterday...

Yesterday turned out to be pretty good.

I washed my hair like I said I would, then I met my friend Maria for lunch. We had Sushi and drank wine.

Then I hung out the Persian. He drank whiskey and coke and I drank some more wine. We went for a long walk in the forest...

Then we went to his place where he cooked rice and some Persian chicken sauce. It was quite good.

And now I am eating ice cream...

So even though I did not spend Easter with family, I had a great time after all...

By the way, I started meditating again and it feels really good.

Love to all. Hope you all had a good easter.

Today...

Woke up.

I should get breakfast.

Something good.

Drink a cup of coffee.

Take a walk.

Maybe take a shower first?

Wash my hair...

Yep...I should probably do that...

P.S: The Persian is probably coming over to hang out today. Something to look forward to. I have been a bit bored.

Easter reminds me...

Of Nigeria and my father....

Music, food, visitors and laughter.

Our house was always full during any celebration period... all sorts of people.

I hope you are all okay and having a good time.

I miss my father terribly. But I always have music to remind me of him. And now I want to cry...

But life is as it is, we shall be grateful all the same.

Why am I so hopeless?

Why do say these things? Its terrible.

The truth of the matter is that I am having a relaxing time at home. My plan was to "maybe" cook Nigerian food and maybe not...its too hot for soup...

Anyway, so the Persian calls and we chat briefly. He says something about going to the gym...and I ask if he is coming to visit after gym? He says no, he doesn't feel so good so he'd rather go to the gym...

And what do I say?

"So you'd rather go to the gym than be with me?

and he now he says he is coming over. I told him I was only joking. One of my useless jokes. It doesn't even mean anything. But no, now he is coming over. I insited many times that he should not, cos anyway, I was planning to go and do some shopping at the African shop...but all my pleads fell on deaf ears...

Now he is on the way here.

Why am I so hopeless?

Another cool song for the summer...

So my play list for summer is growing...another complusory song...definitely. Enjoy...



P.S: Had to do some bank errands so was forced to go to the city today. Hot damn! It was FULL of people. Human beings everywhere. People just shopping, eating, drinking, making noise. Turists everywhere. Children, prams, cars, motor cycles, bicycles. People eating on side walks.

Jehovah! I almost got into a panic. Not to mention the metro. Full of all kinds of families. I know its easter and great weather...but...haba! Must we all be at the city at the same time?

Anyway, I bailed the hell out of there! I think I was the only one walking in the opposite direction...

Now I am home.

Migraine...

And nothing at home....7 more hours until dawn...

Lord have mercy.

I mean, until the shops open...

Paco the judo pop corn!

I am always inspired by this guy cos he just does his thing...I have most of his stuff...anyway, check this blog out and support if you can or you can go directly here on kickstarter.com. I am totally looking forward to seeing this on TV!

And this is me trying real hard...

So when the sun is out and its really good weather, normally the reason I go out is so I don't feel like I have not done something with the sun...that's how sick I am. I don't go out cos I want to, but to give myself some reassurance that the sun was not wasted.

So now, I have taken to timing myself. As far as I am in the sun, walking or sitting or reading, for 45 minutes, I feel like I have done my bit. And gladly, Persian guy is on the same wave length...

Him: Hello?
Me: What's up?

Him: What's are you up to?
Me: At home, chilling.

Him: Where you out in the sun today?
Me: Yeah...

Him: For how long?
Me: Like one hour...

Him: Well that's quite enough.
Me: yeah...

Him: I just finished from work, I am also going out into the sun
Me: For how long?

Him: Maybe 30 minutes or so...is that enough?
Me: Yeah...but maybe you can push it to 45 though...

Him: Hmmmm, maybe...talk to you later.
Me: Okay. Ciao.


The best thing about life is talking to people that totally get you. Its so effortless.

The sun is still out but I am going to cook instead and then I have to look for a book I bought ages ago so tmrw I can have something to read for this whole sun business.

1:07 and many thoughts...

I wish I could go out now and take a walk. In any other city, I would have. But not in this city.

When I lived in another city, I used to take night walks. Sometimes with friends and sometimes alone. There were always people outside.

I would just wear my shoes and say to my house mates, "I am going for a walk". Or I'd call my friends who lived in the adjacent street and ask if anybody wanted to go for a walk. There was always somebody.

We would walk through the streets, smoking ciggerates. Sometimes we would sit by a park and just watch people. Mostly drunkards.

Once, I sat down with my friend and she just started puking. In the waste basket beside the bench.

"What is wrong?" I asked

"I don't love him anymore" she said

"Shit. You are so fucked" I said

We never talked about it because for many years afterwards she was still with him.

I wish I could take a walk...

By the way...

For all my people who inspire me all the time. Friends, family, strangers.

Keep on keeping on...

Take it easy...hugs!

The Argentinian...

Please don't ask. Its just the way it is. As my friend says, I only attract dislocated souls. That's just how it is.

I met up with a friend of mine at a bar. She was with some people. Amongst them was an argetinian guy who was very nice but totally fucked up. Apparently, he just broke up with his girl of many years and he was still trying not to kill himself.

Of course I listened to his woes in life. That's my job when I go to bars. To listen to human bings and their stories.

Anyway, so he was very nice but at the end of the night, totally drunk. We found out we had a lot in common. Not only through experiences but also, he actually lived on the same street as me! The friend he was with made me promise to deliver him safely home, so I promised.

It was a weird journey. From being this extremely social and nice person, the moment his friend left, he practically withdrew into himself. He just put on his ear phones and was gone. In one way, it was much better than him puking or making an ass of himself on the train, so I did not really mind, whatever.

Anyway, I get him to our street and there, we see a whole bunch of people heading to some party. He starts saying we should go there and I tried to convince him to just go home. He looked like he was just spoiling for a fight cos back at the bar, he almost got into one with some guys outside but then, his friend had been there to pull him out. I told him there was no use going to a party if he just wanted to be sour there, and then I gave him a lecture on his foul attitude. He however, still insisted on crashing this party.

He was being totally impossible so I considered my job done. I could not convince him to go home so I just gave him my number(in case he got into trouble) and sent him along with the crowd.

Anyway, from being this very nice man, he became just a total pain. It was weird and irritating.

His whole vibe just changed. I hope he is okay and did not get into any fights. He seemed to be so nice...maybe he is just seriously fucked up.

What I do in my spare time...

I often have to make "exercises" that involves movement and music. The purpose is to get people to learn without the usual theory stuff...anyway, its hard to explain but basically,depending on the subject, I combine certain movements and music...the thing is, getting fitting music is quite hard cos it needs to be something that can allow them to move but give them freedom of expression while at the same time allowing their mind to associate everything together...like therapy.

Anyway, so I am always hung up on getting the right kind of music for whatever I am putting together. So far, everything I have chosen have worked out perfectly. I am getting better in finding music that allows for many things to happen...or at least I think I now know what I am looking for...

My last "exercise" was a big hit and then I had this song...



Here is a good one, I think, that allows for lots and lots of stuff...I predict this will also go well...

Thursday and feeling invincible...

Sometimes I feel like I can see everything and nobody sees what I see... or even sees me. I just sort of float around....which you might think is a bad thing but for me, its not. This is how I am when I am feeling good. I just sort of float around, existing but not existing at the same time. Its like I'm high...not really caring at all about anything but knowing at the same time that I have got to do the practical stuff...which is great because its "practical" stuff that often stresses me out and causes my anxiety. If only I could be like this all the time...

P.S: The weird thing about this kind of feeling good is that none of the guys I have ever been with have understood it. They always used to stress me with stupid questions "what is wrong?"...even when I said nothing was, my being like that stressed them out! ha ha ha. The only people that actually gets my "feeling good" signals are my family. They always know when I am feeling good and then, they use it to their advantage. Thats when somebody would say, "waffy, why not make your famous jollof rice?" or "don't you feel like baking today?"...and I would be like "yeah...sure, of course!"




P.S.S: and proof that today was a good day: I found two bottles of red wine and two cans of beer in a paper bag under my seat in the metro. I had a real struggle with my conscience about what to do with it. At first, I wanted to just leave it there, but there were so many teenagers and young people in that wagon so that would be a serious risk if any of them found it. Then the next option was to take it to the "lost and found" but I was seriously running late and the third option was to keep it, of course. Anyway, after discussing it with Persian guy, we decided that the best option was to drink it. First of all, we can't be sure that "lost and found" people will not drink it. Secondly, the chances of anybody actually going to the "lost and found" to check if their alcohol is there is quite slim...this city is full of alcoholics, especially on the train. They would know its a lost cause. Finally, its just alcohol. I am actually doing everybody a favour by keeping it. It's the responsible thing to do.

Needless to say, I am having a beer right now.

Cheers.

I will NEVER catch a grenade for any man...

I can't believe there actually was a time I could. I swear to God. I could have died for a man. I think I even did. Many times. I could climb a mountain, swim across oceans, all that stuff. Sacrifice my soul. I could have done anything for love. Thats how in love I could be. And I did too. Many times. I don't think I have ever been in a relationship where I was a priority. The other person always was the main focus. His well being, his dreams, his happiness...and I was just there to make it all happen...for him.

Now, I don't even go for a cup of coffee that is a bit out of my way. You wanna have a drink? Get on the bus, take a train, drive. Whatever. I could care less.

A male friend of mine was going on about how he wants to go to Jamaica but he wishes he had someone to go with him to enjoy it.

All that fucking longing, hoping, wishing, for that person...

Jeez. I am not saying it is not a good thing. Its a wonderful thing but is it wonderful enough to allow life pass you by because you ain't got it?

Nope. Its not that wonderful. My brain is wonderful. If I did not have my sanity, then I would be a bitter human being and life could pass me by for all I care cos anyway, I would not enjoy it.

However, as wonderful as "love" is (and in this case I am not talking about "romance" which is what so many people think is "love"...all that holding hands, doing romantic stuff, having great sex, running in the middle of the night to wait for someone, etc, all that is just good old romance, nothing to do with "love", thats why so many people end up wondering "but we were so in love, what happened?" Nothing happened. You were not in love. You were both in love with the romance. The fantasy world you both created) it is not worth that much to kill even a little bit of your soul over.

You already have love. From your family, from your friends, from God (if you are spiritual in that way). Love is already all around you. One more person loving you is great but thats just getting that wonderful "extra" cherry on your cake. The fact is you already have your cake. With all the icing even. The cherry is luxury cos not many people in the world is gonna get it.

What many people will get, is romance which will lead to that great institution called marraige. And anybody can be married.

Why would anybody wanna catch a grenade for that cheap commodity, romance?

That's cos romance often comes disguised as love and thats why we are willing to sell our souls in the search for romance because in our poor minds, this also leads to happiness.

Romance gives you pleasure, not happiness. Its pleasure for a while and when you stop being all romantic, that pleasure with also disappear.

And that is why I will never catch a grenade for any man. Because most of the time, what they are offering is nothing I even want.

I already have everything I want. There's nothing that needs completing anymore.

I am not willing to take any risks for romance.

For love, however, I can take a risk. I can make some time for you out of my very important life and meet you for coffee and if you find some good old stable road, we can perhaps hold hands and try and keep ourselves laughing all the way. However, I don't do mountain climbing, ocean swimming or grenade catching. As wonderful and great it would be to have a genuine friend and companion, its still just an extra luxury...that I can do without. So lets take it easy and enjoy life. Otherwise, I can always enjoy life alone.

Always...let me be kind...

Let me be patient, let me be kind
Make me unselfish without being blind
Though I may suffer, I'll envy it not

And every summer...

Another favourite summer song. It always works, men. Yep. I am ready for summer. I am already preparing my playlist for the summer. Damn skippy! I am so ready for summer men. I can't wait. Spring is just in the way.

The return of the Persian...

In case nobody remembers the Persian, here is his story.

I was not quite kind to him, I have to admit. After meeting him twice or so, I just stopped taking his calls. Not because I did not like him or that I did not have fun with him, but simply because of my own uselessness. It was during the time when I was not in the mood to meet anyone, and especially not men. I just wanted to be left alone. Also, my work then made it impossible for me to meet people. I was always tired and any free time I had, I spent sleeping. But it was mostly because I was not in a good state of mind. Anyway, after a while, he stopped calling. I met him once again on a bus and funny enough, he was not mad at me at all. He was really happy to see me and understood that I was just not feeling good. So he said I should call when I feel up to it and I promised him I would.

So yesterday, a year after I actually met him, I decided to call him. I remembered him cos recently, I met another guy from Persia and I was like, "shit! I forgot all about my friend". So anyway, I called him.

Again, I was surprised about his carefree attitude towards everything. He was just happy I was in contact again. No questions, nothing. Not even wondering "why" I had called. We just picked up like I had seen him yesterday. I, however, apologised for my behaviour. He was not even bothered. He was like, "thats how life is sometimes" etc.

Which then reminded me of how unforgiving I was recently to another friend of mine who did not return my calls or texts. I was so mad at him. In fact, I sent him a text saying I would never send another text to him in my life.

But the truth is, I do the same sometimes. I don't mean to, and especially not to people who I know genuinely like me, but it just happens. Its not a good enough explanation and perhaps thats why I get so mad at my friend.

Anyway, so we had a great time drinking and laughing. He has had a few adventures since the last time I saw him which was of course hilarious.

He is quite a kind person with genuine empathy and really, he could become a good friend because we are both spontanoeus, a bit unpredictable and totally rootless.

We are like drifting woods at sea. We just show up at places.

No comments...

We were friends once, I think.

Now I hardly know whats up with your life.

Except for facebook.

You put up pictures once in a while and get mad when I leave no comments.

But what do you want me to say?

I am not sure what sort of comments you expect from me.

Sometimes I am tempted to leave a comment as pretentious as all the others.

But I never do.

If I ever would leave a comment, it would be to ask, "how are you?"

or to say "hope life is treating you well"

But I never do that either.

I glance briefly at your pictures and think of how time has passed.

In a strange way, I am no longer interested in your life.

Perhaps thats because you are not interested in mine.

There are many friendships that even pictures on facebook could never revive.

I quite simply, have no comments.

Sunday morning...

For the ladies...

Spent most of saturday listening to all kinds of stories. Damn...the things women go through and put on themselves because of men...unbelievable.

While I know that it is incredibly hard to move on and requires a lot of strength, it is possible.

But I promise you, you won't die. If anything, you will become stronger and you will be very proud of yourself.

Women really take on too much on their souls. Because of men. So much hurt and pain. Its quite sad when you think about it.

Just free yourselves. And free him too. Let everyone just move on.

Saturday...

Life.

We can only be who we are.

Just be yourself and whatever, men.


Reading: "A dangerous liason" by Carole Seymour-Jones...I rarely read non fiction...so hope this will be good.

Weekend...

It's gonna be quite dry.

Going to hit the ghetto today to buy food and also, cos I have an interview there. So I am gonna kill two birds with one stone, I guess. I am trying to be better with my monthly shopping. Instead of buying stuff almost everyday. Its expensive and boring. I hate going to the shop everyday. As if I have nothing better to do. Like its a hobby. Its very irritating.

By the way, you know what happened to me yesterday? I went to a cafe to do some writing and instead of buying my usual coffee, I decided to get some tea instead. Roiboos. Anyway, so I drank a huge cup with honey. The mug was really huge. Anyway, right after I drank this, I began to feel extremely sleepy.I decided to go home and take a nap and all the way home I kept yawning and could hardly keep my eyes open. When I got home, I was out immediately. On the phone later in the day, I told my sister I was sure it was the tea but she just laughed. Now, after a bit of googling, I find out it is true! It does induce sleep. And has a calming effect, against anxiety, etc.

From now on, I will drink only roiboos at nights...imagine if this can finally help with my insomnia. It would be a miracle cos nothing "natural" has ever helped. So it would indeed be great thing...but I can't drink roiboos in the day time if I am going to be sleeping anyhow...maybe a small mug for relaxing effect or something...but definitely not a big mug like I drank...