I can't believe there actually was a time I could. I swear to God. I could have died for a man. I think I even did. Many times. I could climb a mountain, swim across oceans, all that stuff. Sacrifice my soul. I could have done anything for love. Thats how in love I could be. And I did too. Many times. I don't think I have ever been in a relationship where I was a priority. The other person always was the main focus. His well being, his dreams, his happiness...and I was just there to make it all happen...for him.
Now, I don't even go for a cup of coffee that is a bit out of my way. You wanna have a drink? Get on the bus, take a train, drive. Whatever. I could care less.
A male friend of mine was going on about how he wants to go to Jamaica but he wishes he had someone to go with him to enjoy it.
All that fucking longing, hoping, wishing, for that person...
Jeez. I am not saying it is not a good thing. Its a wonderful thing but is it wonderful enough to allow life pass you by because you ain't got it?
Nope. Its not that wonderful. My brain is wonderful. If I did not have my sanity, then I would be a bitter human being and life could pass me by for all I care cos anyway, I would not enjoy it.
However, as wonderful as "love" is (and in this case I am not talking about "romance" which is what so many people think is "love"...all that holding hands, doing romantic stuff, having great sex, running in the middle of the night to wait for someone, etc, all that is just good old romance, nothing to do with "love", thats why so many people end up wondering "but we were so in love, what happened?" Nothing happened. You were not in love. You were both in love with the romance. The fantasy world you both created) it is not worth that much to kill even a little bit of your soul over.
You already have love. From your family, from your friends, from God (if you are spiritual in that way). Love is already all around you. One more person loving you is great but thats just getting that wonderful "extra" cherry on your cake. The fact is you already have your cake. With all the icing even. The cherry is luxury cos not many people in the world is gonna get it.
What many people will get, is romance which will lead to that great institution called marraige. And anybody can be married.
Why would anybody wanna catch a grenade for that cheap commodity, romance?
That's cos romance often comes disguised as love and thats why we are willing to sell our souls in the search for romance because in our poor minds, this also leads to happiness.
Romance gives you pleasure, not happiness. Its pleasure for a while and when you stop being all romantic, that pleasure with also disappear.
And that is why I will never catch a grenade for any man. Because most of the time, what they are offering is nothing I even want.
I already have everything I want. There's nothing that needs completing anymore.
I am not willing to take any risks for romance.
For love, however, I can take a risk. I can make some time for you out of my very important life and meet you for coffee and if you find some good old stable road, we can perhaps hold hands and try and keep ourselves laughing all the way. However, I don't do mountain climbing, ocean swimming or grenade catching. As wonderful and great it would be to have a genuine friend and companion, its still just an extra luxury...that I can do without. So lets take it easy and enjoy life. Otherwise, I can always enjoy life alone.