My people! the kind gist wey i wan give una now! chei! e go sweet una well well!I just remembered one stupid guy i met a long time ago.Why did I remember him all of a sudden? Well, i was watching the acceptance speech by Forest Whitaker at the oscars, and did anybody notice the way he walked after he made his speech? It was so powerful, proud, almost aggressive all at once, and I kept thinking, where have I seen such a walk before? That walk seemed so familiar.......and then I remembered! It was the psycho fool! The fool that till today anytime I remember what happened, makes me cringe!I was 19 yrs old and although I had been abroad for a year, it was my first trip to London where I was to spend summer with my cousin and his new bride. I was very excited cos it meant I could buy phone cards and talk to fool number 1 everyday! Well, that never happened,(after spending all my hard earned cash sending boxers and t-shirts to the fool, chei! i was a real mumu!)cos after one phone call with fool number 1, it seemed one year away had taken its toll. I was heartbroken but at the same time relieved.(our dream was that I would go abroad, study to be a doctor while all this time saving money in my bank account which I would send to him when it was enough for a ticket, we'll both work hard together and then go back to Nigeria and open a small clinic. SOMEBODY SHOOT ME!)
Anyway, so here I am in london, just broke up with the fool that was supposed to be "the one", I am young, free and ready to party! And this is where fool number 2 comes in the picture. For clarity sake, lets call him Stanley. So Stanley is a wonderful and loving friend to the new bride. He is sooooo shy, he hardly looks you in the eye when he talks, he visits regularly and often comes with flowers, choclate or something else, all the ladies love him, he is such a teddy bear! My cousin can't stand him, he does not understand why his wife adores him, she calls him her best friend. Everytime Stanley visits, his voice is so soft,he wears glasses which he adjusts constantly, Oh! and such a gentleman as well! opens doors, pulls out chairs, etc.The best part of it all is that he is extremely loaded! He just bought a house and he has two very flashy cars, all that, and no girl friend. Well, my cousin's wife decided to play matchmaker and would often tell me that Stanley would gladly take me around London if I wanted to, anyway, I managed to avoid going out with him untill my birthday when he arrived with flowers and a present.(I have always been "bohemian", don't know about designer clothes, have no idea about what is in vogue or not, not at all materialistic,you get the picture, don't know anything about cars and shit like that)
Anyway, so this fool shows up with a "t-shirt"(I used to wear t-shirts and jeans a lot those days) that was an expensive designer stuff, I have no fucking clue,and i was supposed to "ohhhhh and ahhhhh", whatever, he shows up and really wants to show me around London. I had to. Cos he gave me a present, whatever. He is so nice, shows me around, buys maps and so on, we have a wonderful time and decides I should spend the weekend with him.(I KNOW! I KNOW! I WAS YOUNG, I WANTED TO LIVE LA DOLCE VITA!) Anyway, he said nothing would happen, he just wanted to show me a good time, as in night life, clubbing, etc, he "concorted" this plan where I was supposed to tell my cousin I would be visiting an aunt in another city, while telling my aunt I was with my cousin. It was so exciting! He told me all the wonderful places we would go to and how much fun we would have. I trusted him 100% and I believed him 100%. So first, I really went to visit my aunt but came back on a friday instead of sunday, anyway, I arrived at the train station and that is where the madness began.
Stanley knew the time I was arriving, the platform and so on but when I arrived, he was nowhere to be found. I waited an hour and was just about to phone my cousin when I saw this guy, walking towards me, so mad, i expected white foam to start coming out of his mouth at any minute
"what the hell is wrong with you, don't you know you should come outside, my car is packed outside, i don't want to get a ticket, i've been waiting, bla bla bla"
He was just screaming at me and i really did not understand what the hell he was saying cos he was almost choking on his words, he was so loud that a police woman nearby actually came to ask if there was something wrong. I was in shock, I could not believe it. Anway, the fool that I was, I got into the car, here again, wahala.....
"what is wrong with you, why did you bang the door like that? can't you see this is a new car.......bla bla bla.......and by the way, can't you even say congrats? i bought this car just because of you, its totally new and you did not even notice, i am really upset with you, to tréat me like this, i came all this way, and you are not even happy to see me, do you know how much this cost? ...bla ...bla"
This guy is so angry that he is shaking, seriously.By this time, I already have a plan, once we get to his place, i take a pee, and find my way to the nearest phone booth(no mobile phone) or in the worst case, call police. Anyway,we get to his place and i go to the toilet to take a pee. When I come out, he is by the door, he tells me i have made him so mad he will have to leave me for a while. In my mind, i am thinking, even better, my exit will be smooth and easy. Immediately he leaves, i take my bag and head for the door.Lo and behold! he's locked me in! Can you imagine?
To be continued.........