Saturday, March 17, 2007

A letter

Background story: A friend of mine fell in love with a guy. They were very much in love and had a great time together. My friend decided to go to the states because of job opportunities, etc. Although the guy was sad, he never talked about it and did not advise her not to go. Basically, he did not fight really hard for her to stay. After she left, although she tried to keep in touch with him, he was quite cold and never replied her mails. While she was in the states, she realized she made a mistake, she tried to tell him a couple of times through mail but again, the same response, or rather no response. She decided to leave the States anyway. When she got back, she tried to get in touch with him but they only finally met after about two weeks after her arrival. He was quite cold towards her and the date ended rather awkwardly. The next day, she recieved this letter from him and this really upset her as he never once voiced such feelings during her absence. We would like to know what you guys think, so please feel free to be psychologists! The letter has been translated from another language so bear with us if there are any mistakes!

I have to say a lot of things to you, as I’m sure you too have a lot of questions and don’t know what to do, what to think. Being unsure is the worst thing. You worry about how things will work out, but meanwhile it tears you apart because you cannot deal with the routine of everyday life with a clear head.
I really loved you once, and I thought that I wouldn’t have been able to bear life without you by my side. I suffered when I couldn’t see you for the one or two months that you had to be away from me, but the knowledge that I would see you again gave me strength that I wouldn’t have to wait much longer for us to be one again. I never thought that it wouldn’t be as I imagined and it broke my heart to bits when it wasn’t me you chose in the end when you decided to go to the States, but at the same time I felt I mustn’t hold you back, because if you didn’t follow your heart's calling, it might cause you to regret it for the rest of your life! Even then I was at my wits end, but if you had told me that you’ll be gone for only half a year and you’d come back to me, I would have been able to bear it with the last strength and hope in me. But maybe it was better this way, easier to escape into forgetting, than to wait indefinitely, something that was already extremely hard for me. It was a big decision to make on my part and to be honest I was a little relieved.
My friends tried all they could to help me forget, I tried hard to empty my head and not think, but just try and feel good about myself again. Slowly my strength returned, I started to enjoy my unrestricted freedom, I was filled with an empty but in a way, a positive feeling that wasn’t directed to anyone or anything in particular, only towards myself. I began to build myself up.I wanted to keep it that way, but then a new light came into my life, in the form of a totally innocent being, that nothing had spoiled, it was like I had found a fragile little bird. She knew so little about the world I had lived in, and because of this, things evolved totally differently than it had for us. She was a huge challenge for me, but something constantly whispered to me that I was again on the right track.I put in so much feeling and a lot of things connected me to her.
When I heard that you wanted to come back and what you still feel for me, I became confused and introverted. For a while, I didn’t tell her what was wrong, I didn’t know what to do because you still had a strong effect on me, I didn’t just love you once, I still do (although I’m not sure in what sense now, but I know something has changed). I don’t want to hurt you, believe me, if there were two of me there would be no question what I would do, but like this it’s not as easy.
I want to be straight with everyone, not with just both of you, but with myself as well. I do not want to please others and end up displeasing myself. You told me that my friendship was important to you, and that you’d like to ask for that at least if nothing else. I feel the same way too, but much more than friendship still draws me to you and I’m afraid of these feelings. I do not know what these feelings might turn into, what feelings might intensify or what feelings might fade. Only time will tell, if we don’t leave things as they are for some time, we will only tear up old wounds. This might be for only a month, half a year, I have no idea. I would like to remain a friend to you because I discovered a very beautiful person in you, but we must once again distance ourselves from each other so that no strings hold us together and so that we can live independently from one another. I do not know if I can fix my current relationship, but she means a lot to me, and I feel I have to give it a shot, but to this it is important that you are not close by, because I still feel an attraction to you when I look into your eyes. I do not mean anything by this, I just need to see things clearly, to find out my true feelings.
Now I have to say that I’m on my own journey, I cannot ask you to wait for me, I don’t want to give you false hope. If love should come your away again I don’t want you to hold back because of me. You too must let go of all constricting thoughts, fill your life with new experiences, be around the people that are important to you. But that really important person will come when you least expect it, and when you are truly happy within yourself. I don’t now what to write to conclude this letter, I don’t want to say anything very final, I’m thinking what else I could say.....only that I would like everything to turn out well for you and me, and that you will be happy, satisfied with life and light hearted in the end. Only one thing ties people together and that is love.


Bubbles said...

That guy is full of dudu. How can u stop loving someone in just 2 months? That means it was not love in the first place. She shouldn't settle for any kind of nonsense friendship from such a selfish individual. That's just a waste of time and energy.

laspapi said...

I disagree with bubbles.

That guy did an incredible thing letting her go without being cloying or whining. What advice would have been given by bloggers if a girl had come on-line to say she had an opportunity to "progress" abroad but some guy was asking her not to go because of love? Let's pause and think on that one.

He let her go but there was a price to pay. She didn't give assurances about her return at any certain time and cases abound of men who've received calls from dream-girls abroad about it being over after only a couple of months in the promised land.

Yeah, he met someone new but that's the price to pay when you don't reassure a guy who obviously cares for you. You don't take off from a relationship indefinitely, its a two-way thing. The song says "baby, we're taking a chance, leaving each other, don't know what we might find."
That's what happened here. Don't blame the guy.

I like this post.

Dami said...

"and did not advise her not to go."

i dont think theres anyway you can stop someone in nigeria from going out to study or further their career in; esp becos of one love like that!

the guy(or both of them) didnt communicate well to begin with.
if they become friends something go shele for sure i think thats what he's avoiding i think

Dami said...

just imagine chukudi telling you not to go abroad eh

kramer said...

Na wa sha, wetin be all this long tory. One sentence for do now, straight to the point. Love can be complicated, but its probably best if they go their separate ways once and for all.

Idemili said...

Hey, I thought you were jisting about me! Same thing happened.

I don't think the guy is full of poo, he didn't say he forgot her, he just had to move on because he didn't know where he stood with her.
I've been the girl. Sometimes you just need to do things for you, so that when you get married you don't regret anything.

Great post Waf. So you fit dey serious eh?

Waffarian said...

Dami, the babe was not in Naija, but nevertheless, it does not matter which country she was in anyway!

Bubbles said...

My point is how can u stop loving someone in 2 months? He didn't even try the long distance relationship thing.


Bubbles point about falling out of 'love' in 2 months is a valid one. But, I think that we have to look at that issue from a guy's point of view. Most of us women would find it unimaginable to accomplish such a feat. But when a dude is hurting, that's what most of them do. Find a way to quickly and conscisely get over the babe.

That being said, I must give props to the guy for being upfront about his feelings even though it took him a while. Not everyone is good at verbalizing their sentiments on the spot and it probably just took him a while.

Waffy, tell your friend say life goes on. She is lucky to have loved and lost. Hopefully there will be more opportunities in the future.

And as to your last comment on my blog, I don beg you oh, but you never tell me whether you done forgive and forget! =) Great post btw.

Jolade said...

The girl has realised that she made a mistake going to the States and she came back to correct that mistake.
Should she then give up becasue of this letter? I dont think so. She should fight for him. He didnt fight for her when she left, she shouldnt make the same mistake.
If you dont fight for the one you love, what then do you fight for.
He wasnt conclusive from the tone of his letter. She should take advantage of that and get him back.

kramer said...

Hmmm Jolade you may have a point there. Babes would you agree with her? To try and get him back anyway?

Waffarian said...

All credit goes to my friend who agreed to let me post it!

ijeoma obu iheoma said...

i really liked the part where he said he didnt want to hold her back..

omohemi Benson said...

It might be hurtful but he told the truth.

How is your friend doing?

4wardnfiaca said...

insane! yes, thatz wut I said. This boi has clearly gone bonkers. It seems to me a case of him wanting to eat his cake and still hold it in his puny hands. he has moved on, but he still loves her! does this still work on people.
Please tell your friend to lose his number as fast as she can. if he did not want her to leave, at least he should have discussed it with her before anything. two months, I heard you say? hmmph!
I could go on and on...
This is absolutely ridiculous

Surviving with Truth said...

thats sad. but i appreciate his honesty. Hope your friend des too. May God give her the strength to move on. If they were meant to be, they'll end up back together again. Good luck.

Simply Gorgeous said...

I think it is self- explanatory. I agree with bubbles, you cannot push someone away after two months then it was never love. He wants to have his cake and eat it. I don't ecause it will be a reminder of what we once had and because I am weak want to see you now because I am weak. But we can be friends and maybe one day if we a re both single we can hook up if not oh- well.

Waffarian- tell your friend to forget him and look for someone who will love and cherish her.

Idemili said...

I get koboko. Where the update?

LondonBuki said...

Wow, within 2 months?

There is no need for friendship o! It will be painful and very hard.

busy body said...

I think there was lack of communication on both sides from the beginning. Her - going and not telling him when she would return, her feelings for him and maybe even his joining her in the states.
Him - not communicating his fears and anxiety to her, his love for her and the length of time she was going to be away.

Were this couple seriously contemplating a life together? Communication and lack of planning…..

What an honest guy, though he took time telling her of his dilemma. Maybe he needed the time to think things through and reflect.

They should both go their separate ways and if it is to be, then it shall be.
I know it is easier said than done. For a relationship to work, both of them should be willing to invest time in it. At the moment she seems to want to and he does not. This will cause resentment.

I commend them both for not being vindictive or bitter.

Wishing both of them the best in the future

Confused Naija Girl said...

I agree, the guy should be lauded for being upfront about it. However the way he went about was wrong. Why didnt he try to get in touch with her or something?

Chameleon said...

i agree with omohemi... he told the truth, albeit delayed and unexpected.

she should cut her losses and leave especially now he is happy with someone else.

love is such a bitch.

Maiden Voyage said...

This is a clear case of "you snooze you lose." Sometimes you have to say how you feel, damned the consequences. Both were way too guarded to really be in a relationship. What would it have taken for either one to say "I'll miss you, wait for me." When you leave holes, people fill it in with their own version of the truth. Hey, he did a good thing by letting her know. It truly is just another sad love song. I wish her the best.

Anonymous said...

oh plzz... long story. She needs to move on mehnnn. The guy is in love with someone else and wants to make it work because he had lost hope of having a future with the other girl... even though he has feelings for her, he knows it will not flourish as he has overturned his energy elsewhere now

As for the chick, she left and gave him no assurance, no definite plan to be together again and then, she came back..... she obviously has her heart channeled towards future progress abroad and it should not die because of a man. She will find someone who is also on the same page in life as she is,. even logistically and emotionally and it will work out.

Some things are just not meant to be, being this relationship because if it was, both people would have arrived at a decision to make it work and put all energy/effort into it.

But at this point in time ... it is too late. Life must go on, and we must take heart, heal and find love/happiness again

Anonymous said...

One more thing.... i do not like how the guy had to send her a letter. why not discuss the issue face to face? well, i guess he was keeping his distance

Waffarian said...

Thank you all for your comments, I am sure my friend has read them all and appreciates every single advice!
As for my own opinion, I think the guy should have done a better job communicating his feelings to her before she left and even while she was there. I am one of those old fashioned women that would like a man to really fight for me! I need a hero! hahahahahahahh, Can't stand men that never try hard enough.Especially when it comes to love, we all know how hard it is to find someone you really connect with, why let go when you can have it all? Yes, the guy was honest but at the end of the day, to lose love because of "sensitivity" or whatever, is beyond me!
To my friend: You need a real man. A man that is worthy of you. A man that is willing to fight for you. Let him go. Let him go with his "innocent bird" you do not need a man to "protect" you like a lost soul, you a need a man that can stand by your side as partner. Goodluck. By the way, abeg, come dis side, dem plenty hehehehehehehe!