Full moon and other stories (contd)

We decide to leave the bar, we are drunk, our feets hurt, we've been on fucking high heels for 12 hours, we need to get a cab. We are hungry, we decide to go to Jojo's place, we take a cab to pick up a bag which I left at another friend's house, we get the bag, we decide to ditch the taxi and continue with communal transportation. As we climb out of the taxi, what the fuck? is that a human being lying eagle spread in the middle of the road? Fuck! He's going to be run over! We rush over, the man is showing no signs of movement, another guy is trying to get him out of the road, obviously his friend

(I am putting both names cos I can't exactly recall who said what)

Waffy/Jojo: What's wrong with him? have you called an ambulance?
Friend: No
Waffy/Jojo: Should we call the police?
Friend:No
Waffy/Jojo: Is your friend drunk? what is his name?
Friend: No, he is sad
Waffyy/Jojo: Huh?????
We look down at this young man in the middle of the road, and big balls of tears are rolling down his face
Waffy/Jojo: What's wrong with him? What happened?

At this point, we are all trying to get him off the road, I, Jojo and the guy's friend.
Now, a fourth character appears, in the form of a young taxi driver who parks his cab by the side of the road and crosses over to help.

Taxi driver: What's wrong with him?
Waffy/Jojo/Friend: He is sad
Taxi driver: Can you all just give me a minute with him?

The three of us, move to the side of the road

Waffy/Jojo: So what happened?
Friend: You see that girl there? (he points up the road, where we can see a woman walking briskly away)
Waffy/Jojo: Did she dump him?
All of a sudden, the friend has taken offence, he screams at us,
DUMP HIM? DUMP HIM? SHE HAS BEEN USING HIM FOR TWO YEARS AND SHE HAS BEEN CHEATING ON HIM AND PHYSICALLY ABUSING HIM!!!!!!!!

At this point, the young man that was lying on the street is suddenly on his feet, his friend rushes over to his side, God knows what the taxi driver told him, the only thing we caught was "be a man, be a man", by the time we left, the man's sorrow had suddenly turned to anger and he was kicking dustbins and jumping in the air.

We moved on in our search for food, our feets hurt like hell, and we both needed to pee really badly, but our drunken state made the priority of seeking food a noble and worthwhile mission. Jojo remembered a place where they had hot dogs, we dragged our feets there, on the way, Jojo remembered I had my trainers in my bag, the ones I wore that morning!Glory be to God! The inhumane torture was over! So there we were, me in my fancy dress and trainers(with socks) and Jojo in her beautiful coat, eating hot dogs and chips at 3o'clock in the morning. We finally got home, and just before we stepped into the building, Jojo looks up and says: "Waffy girl, is that a full moon?"
I look up and see a moon, white, full, beautiful. "It sure is, Jojo!"
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, that accounts for everything then"
"If you say so"
"You know what they say about full moons right?"
"what?"
"It brings out the lunacy in people, yep, that accounts for it!"

I am still hung over, I am tired but in a way elated, it must be the full moon.

Full moon and other stories (contd)

The ceremony ends, and we all leave to go to the fancy restaurant, and lo and behold, all of a sudden, I notice a fucking idiot in our midst, a woman whose calling in the world is to stamp her feet and snap her fingers! What the fuck is she doing here? Who the hell invited this specimen of a human being? Oh well, she is a guest of the celebrant's, too bad, cos it would have been fun to light her hair on fire! Her name is Tanya, and she is a bitch if there ever was one! She walks right in and starts organising us, "we are taking taxi" she says and walks quickly to the side of the road, puts up her hand, New york style, I am tempted to burst out laughing! Where the fuck does she think she is? In this country, we call cabs, and why the hell do we need a taxi when the metro is just around the corner? I really hope she is paying! Well, ofcourse, madam "knows everything" gets us in the taxi and proceeds to bash every single human being that did not study "economics" or "executive business" "finance", the conversation suddenly becomes "who is earning six figures" "who's working were" you know, shit like that, the power house of Europe. I look at Jojo, Oh Lordy, this is going to be one hell of a night, I hope there is enough booze, cos I'll really have to be seriously slushed to ignore this fool! We get to the restaurant! Hahahahahah! Madam knows all, asks the waiter for his "preference" (what the fuck? I want the cheapest wine, the house wine, if anything, give me a bottle of Austrian, German,Hungarian wine, and yes, I'll accept Bulgarian, South African, anything as far as it is the cheapest on the list!) The waiter advices her to try wine that has some "vanilla" in it, madam says she knows the wine, "vanilla" is quite trendy now, she informs me, but before the waiter brings the wine, she wants to know " what kind of grapes were used?", is she serious? she has to be joking! what kind of grapes? what the hells does she know? they are either ripe, unripe, or rotten! take your pick. Jesus! Ofcourse, the waiter has no idea about that, I suggest "ecological grapes". What a fool! And now, the tongue lashing begins, the rest of us, had jobs that were of no use to mankind, we are all useless in the eyes of the rich and powerful. Preach on, ignorant bitch, just keep filling my glass, I look over to Jojo, she is in her own world, she smiles at me and I know what she is saying, "forget her, order the most expensive shit on this menu and let the rich people pay", good idea, Jojo, lets enjoy our meal. The meal is over, thank God I did not pay, it was rubbish, I am still hungry! We move on to a pub, to continue the medley of drinking that this night has become, there's live music, we are all dancing, but wait a minute.....what is this woman doing? she is dancing like..........an old woman!Jojo calls my attenttion to this woman's funny hip movements, her hips are ancient, her ass has become too flat from sitting too long on meetings, her wrinkles are suddenly prominent under the lights of the bar, I suddenly see her for what she really is, an aging woman, trying to hang on to her youth which has long left harbour........she .....looks........so........old, and Jojo says: "poor woman, she really is pathetic!", we leave the bar.

Full moon and other stories

Hello, fellow bloggers, sorry about not updating, but my life has been very hectic the past few days, lots of sleepless nights,( no be the kain thing wey abuja babe dey do oh!, before una mind go go dat side!)infact, plain chaos and confusion. Anyway, make I give una gist! Yesterday was my friend's graduation, he is graduating from one of the most prestigous universities in the world(thank God he is done cos I was going to shoot myself If I had to hear one more word about his "prestigous" school!) So, the event was to take place in the city hall and afterwards, dinner at a very "high class restaurant", the problem was, I had a course (I have to gist about this course another day, una go die of laughter!)untill 4, and then, I had just 45 mins to make it to the hall cos everybody was to be "seated" at exactly 4:45. I needed a beautiful dress for the event, and friday morning, I was yet to buy such a dress. Here was the plan, buy a dress on the way to the course! My people, the kind of agility I suddenly developed on Friday morning, I was shocked! I never knew I had it in me! So, I wake up friday morning, after another sleepless night,my darling friend Jojo, calls to make sure I don't forget to buy the dress, I shave my legs, wash my hair, clip toe nails, use "body scrub" for extra shine on my legs, find the course books and was out the door. Got to H/M, found the black dress that I had tried on a day before in the wrong size, (Yes, waffy needed to buy one size bigger, sigh, as if I did not have enough problems!) found the right size, paid for it, bought sandwich and Coffee, waited at bus stop. Everything was going smoothly, called my friend Jojo to hear praises of how smart and resourceful I was. Went for the course, left at exactly 4, found a "handicapped" toilet,(at the premises) plenty space to change, I remove jeans, shirt, trainers, put in seperate bag, I wear the beautiful dress, put on my ear rings and wonderful necklace, no time for make-up, smiled at myself and left the toilet, ran four flights of stairs, got outside, time to make another call to Jojo, who was going to sing my praises again. Okay, where the hell is my phone? shit! shit! shit! I left it in the toilet! Ran back upstairs to toilet, phone is gone! Oh Lord!!!!!! I really don't have time for this shit! I pursuade angry looking boy beside the toilet to call my phone.......nothing! Damn! This is not happening! Fuck! Fuck!! Fuck!!! I ran back downstairs, found a suspicious looking cleaner, he swears he hasn't seen my phone. Found an office with serious people, explained problem to them, used their phone, nobody is anwering! Fuck! Now I had a serious decision to make, Jojo is waiting for me in front of the city hall, I am late, I need to get in touch with her.......should I risk it and go there? will she be waiting? or fuck the whole thing and go home? So I decided to go to the city hall anyway! Through out the bus ride, this is all I asked from God:" Please Lord, let Jojo be there and please, by some sick miracle, let her be holding my phone" I said ten "Ave Marias" and felt so sad. All my shit was in that phone! and I really don't want to buy a new phone just because I was careless! Anyway, I get to the city hall, I come down from the bus, shoulders hunched, ready to burst into tears when I see Jojo, it had all been too stressful for Waffy girl, I see Jojo, she's wearing her fancy coat she inherited from her grand ma, she is smiling and waving...........and........there is something in her hand........could it be? Shit! Its my phone! I ran like a mad woman, picked her up and we are laughing so hard from relief! How the hell?? Well, somebody found my phone, called the last number I called, got Jojo, who met up with this wonderful good samaritan and got my phone back! The world is pretty, full of unexpected surprises, wonderful strangers and even more wonderful friends!

To be continued.

Women together!

My people na wah, me self, i don dey wonder, Why is it that women can never pull together and help each other? Why are we always envious? constantly on each other's case? ehn? You remember my friend Catherine? wey dey work for parliament? na so she give me one kian gist wey vex me well well! Okay, so there are three friends that are politically inclined. Anita, Catherine and Evelyn. Anita used to work for the parliament, but she got a better job in Brussels, hence her position became open and lots of other positions since a lot of people were moving over to Brussels. She promptly informed her friends, Catherine(my friend) and Evelyn. Catherine was immediately interested and said she will apply for it, Evelyn said she was not interested in that particular job and would apply for another job, also, within the parliament. Anyway, I was there the day this preliminary planning was going on, and I was so impressed, they were all so ambitious and willing to help each other out, na so, i dey hail them all night long, dey buy drinks to toast them! if say I know,infact, i want my drinks back! Nonsense! Anyway, na so oh, Catherine applied and got the job, meanwhile Evelyn disappeared all of a sudden, stopped answering calls, msn, sms, etc. Na so oh, only for Catherine to find out that baby girl applied for that same job but did not get it. She did not inform Catherine about it, anyway, she got another job within the parliament, so now they are both working there but are not on speaking terms because of this issue. Imagine! Why? Instead of helping each other, they are misbehaving. They could have been having so much fun, instead, they are busy spreading gist about each other! I say, I want my money back! Nonsense!

There is part of my life that I have not written about yet, the death of my father. I have read other bloggers like Londonnaijachic, moments and phumie and I have been encouraged by their words. I have decided to put up a letter I wrote to my father shortly after he passed away. This will be the only time that I write about him in my blog, only because I believe thats the best thing to do for my self. I want you all to know that I am not sad, I am happy for the times I shared with him and I am so grateful and thankful that I knew him and I was his daughter.



Dear Daddy,

When I woke up today, your head was heavy on my shoulders.It just got heavier and heavier. All your grief and sorrows were laid on my shoulders and I have carried them ever since. What burdens have you put on me? Please, do not go. Come back, Daddy. Do you remember everything? How proud you used to be of me? I was going to be a doctor. Daddy, I don't know what happened but I never wanted to let you down. I was going to rule the world, make you proud of me. Did I do that? Did I ever make you proud of me? I remember you everyday. All the times I loved you, all the times I hated you and now I miss you so much. Daddy, I am glad I told you that I love you because I always have. Don't be angry with me. Don't go so far away. You've always been so far. Where are you now? Do you remember when you used to take us swimming? and then we bought suya afterwards. Do you remember Warri club? You took us there every weekend. I loved it. We used to buy petrol on sundays and newspapers, and then we went home. I hated the smell of petrol but I always went because It was just me and you. Daddy please don't go. You will always be with me forever. I will never let you go. You have to be proud of me. You have to.

Your daughter

See this small girl oh!

I am at home, a bottle of white wine by my side. Alone. Everything went wrong. I am supposed to be buggying away, at the hottest club in town.It all went wrong. The day started out quite good. I was in a good mood, the sun was shining, I went for a walk, I bought a new pair of jeans, I was happy with it. I washed my hair, dressed up, met up with Oga aproko's sister and her friends (all 25, it was her birthday), we were all slushed. That small girl, Sarah, was calling for a taxi, we were all talking and chatting away, I was having a conversation with one of the girls, all of a sudden Sarah turns around and screams at me:"Quiet!" ah ah, na me she dey talk to? okay, make i no talk first, make i wait, make she finish for phone first, na so, this conversation come take place.

Me: Sarah, please dont scream at me next time, don't scream "quiet" at me, it was quite rude.
Sarah: So what should i say, SHUT UP?

See dis babe oh, if i woz am for here, na police dem go call.

Me: Look, Sarah, I am always respectful to you and everybody else here, so i see no reason why you should be rude to me.
Sarah: hahahahahhahahaha should i respect you? i will talk to you anyhow i damn well please!
Me: Then you can go to hell!

And I left. Anyway, na so (sigh), i came home, opened a bottle of wine, and I am almost drunk. I think I will listen to some Bob Marley and think of my retirement plan.

My passion

What is your passion? I was asked by another blogger, "refinedone", this question. She asked me this question in response to my "dreaming away" post. I have been thinking about it, and I have been wondering what to write. At first, I thought about giving a straightfoward answer like "my passion is reading" and then I thought she might want a more sophisticated answer, something to do with christianity, religion, Jesus, etc. At the end of the day, I decided to be honest and give a complicated account of my personality and hopefully, the answer to that question might lie in there. Who am I? i am very much in tune with myself. Who I am, my principles, morals, what I stand for in life, etc.Untill the age of 21, I was a very determined young woman. I knew what I wanted and I went for it. I had my goals, everything was planned in my head. No time for messing around. Anyway,thats all I have ever wanted,to make my goals a reality and succeed in eveything I do. However, somehow, even this began to change as I grew older,life became more complicated and things that were never planned began to happen. I realized how small I was in the world and yet how big my actions were.I knew who I was, and yet I was so afraid to live the life that I knew I should be living. I wanted to fit in, in a world that does not fit me.What would people say when they found out the truth about me? The truth being that :I REALLY DON'T CARE. I just don't care. I have tried to, I really have, but my mind often wonders. I participate in life, really I do, but it is with great effort. I have a lot of good friends but those that know me well enough would know that I don't have time for psychological drama( she said, you said, they said, bla bla bla) because I really don't care. I often "skip" people in life. People I deem are dishonest, hypocrites or just plain old assholes, but I also hang on to people that I feel are good and kind hearted. My love is passionate and demanding, too intense for a lot of men, I keep away from such men. Everybody makes mistakes so I forgive, it does not matter what, I try to forgive, however, due to my razor sharp memory, I never forget.

I know this is not what you hoped for, but here's a list of the things I love doing.
I love laughter, I love music, I love people, would not be able to live without them, I love the seas, I love everything white, I love pink and purple and I love libraries with rows and rows of books,I love the way books smell, I love little children and their innocence,I love cooking and trying new recipes, I love being in church when nobody is there, I love swimming in the wide blue sea and pretending I am the only one in the whole world, I love writing, and my biggest love of all, reading. Most of all,I love not knowing which way life would take me. I love the craziness of life and everything that comes with it. Too many things to do, too many things to think about. I am not afraid to grow older, everyday, I find out more things about myself, I love who I am and the woman I am turning out to be. I have so much to give and also so much to recieve. I am not afraid of life, I am only passing through, and I am damn well going to enjoy it while I can! So what is my passion? I really don't know and I don't care.Yeah, and my retirement plan is to live on a beach somewhere and sell pineapples.

OOPS! JUST REALIZED WHAT MY PASSION IS: LIFE!

A letter

Background story: A friend of mine fell in love with a guy. They were very much in love and had a great time together. My friend decided to go to the states because of job opportunities, etc. Although the guy was sad, he never talked about it and did not advise her not to go. Basically, he did not fight really hard for her to stay. After she left, although she tried to keep in touch with him, he was quite cold and never replied her mails. While she was in the states, she realized she made a mistake, she tried to tell him a couple of times through mail but again, the same response, or rather no response. She decided to leave the States anyway. When she got back, she tried to get in touch with him but they only finally met after about two weeks after her arrival. He was quite cold towards her and the date ended rather awkwardly. The next day, she recieved this letter from him and this really upset her as he never once voiced such feelings during her absence. We would like to know what you guys think, so please feel free to be psychologists! The letter has been translated from another language so bear with us if there are any mistakes!








I have to say a lot of things to you, as I’m sure you too have a lot of questions and don’t know what to do, what to think. Being unsure is the worst thing. You worry about how things will work out, but meanwhile it tears you apart because you cannot deal with the routine of everyday life with a clear head.
I really loved you once, and I thought that I wouldn’t have been able to bear life without you by my side. I suffered when I couldn’t see you for the one or two months that you had to be away from me, but the knowledge that I would see you again gave me strength that I wouldn’t have to wait much longer for us to be one again. I never thought that it wouldn’t be as I imagined and it broke my heart to bits when it wasn’t me you chose in the end when you decided to go to the States, but at the same time I felt I mustn’t hold you back, because if you didn’t follow your heart's calling, it might cause you to regret it for the rest of your life! Even then I was at my wits end, but if you had told me that you’ll be gone for only half a year and you’d come back to me, I would have been able to bear it with the last strength and hope in me. But maybe it was better this way, easier to escape into forgetting, than to wait indefinitely, something that was already extremely hard for me. It was a big decision to make on my part and to be honest I was a little relieved.
My friends tried all they could to help me forget, I tried hard to empty my head and not think, but just try and feel good about myself again. Slowly my strength returned, I started to enjoy my unrestricted freedom, I was filled with an empty but in a way, a positive feeling that wasn’t directed to anyone or anything in particular, only towards myself. I began to build myself up.I wanted to keep it that way, but then a new light came into my life, in the form of a totally innocent being, that nothing had spoiled, it was like I had found a fragile little bird. She knew so little about the world I had lived in, and because of this, things evolved totally differently than it had for us. She was a huge challenge for me, but something constantly whispered to me that I was again on the right track.I put in so much feeling and a lot of things connected me to her.
When I heard that you wanted to come back and what you still feel for me, I became confused and introverted. For a while, I didn’t tell her what was wrong, I didn’t know what to do because you still had a strong effect on me, I didn’t just love you once, I still do (although I’m not sure in what sense now, but I know something has changed). I don’t want to hurt you, believe me, if there were two of me there would be no question what I would do, but like this it’s not as easy.
I want to be straight with everyone, not with just both of you, but with myself as well. I do not want to please others and end up displeasing myself. You told me that my friendship was important to you, and that you’d like to ask for that at least if nothing else. I feel the same way too, but much more than friendship still draws me to you and I’m afraid of these feelings. I do not know what these feelings might turn into, what feelings might intensify or what feelings might fade. Only time will tell, if we don’t leave things as they are for some time, we will only tear up old wounds. This might be for only a month, half a year, I have no idea. I would like to remain a friend to you because I discovered a very beautiful person in you, but we must once again distance ourselves from each other so that no strings hold us together and so that we can live independently from one another. I do not know if I can fix my current relationship, but she means a lot to me, and I feel I have to give it a shot, but to this it is important that you are not close by, because I still feel an attraction to you when I look into your eyes. I do not mean anything by this, I just need to see things clearly, to find out my true feelings.
Now I have to say that I’m on my own journey, I cannot ask you to wait for me, I don’t want to give you false hope. If love should come your away again I don’t want you to hold back because of me. You too must let go of all constricting thoughts, fill your life with new experiences, be around the people that are important to you. But that really important person will come when you least expect it, and when you are truly happy within yourself. I don’t now what to write to conclude this letter, I don’t want to say anything very final, I’m thinking what else I could say.....only that I would like everything to turn out well for you and me, and that you will be happy, satisfied with life and light hearted in the end. Only one thing ties people together and that is love.

Dreaming away

Oh Lord! Why can't I be a go-getter like my friend Catherine? She is such a strong woman, ambitious, she knows what she wants and then she goes for it. Her life is like......its like sex in the city. I stayed with her for a couple of weeks last year and men..........she is really something! She wakes up in the morning, hastily takes a shower, blow dries her hair, wears the highest heels she has and just basically flies through the door, no time for messing around.(Sigh)And me? how do I start my mornings? I open one eye........hmmmmmmmm what day is it? Oh yeah, thursday.......hmmmmmm, I open the other eye........I wonder if it will be sunny today........hmmmmmmmm there's a song in my head.....oh please, don't you rock my boat, cos I don't want my boat to be rocked......oh can't you see, I am happy like this........I am happy like this.....Oh, I should probably listen to the radio......maybe, a cup of tea would be nice......not lipton......something fruity........like......ah well, I ll just take lipton.....hmmmmmmm, what a nice day......sun is out......I wonder if Jojo can meet up for lunch later on? We should do indian, we did sushi last week.....I have to stop eating........I am on a diet.....well, well..theres the bus.....would I have time to stop by the bookstore? I have some money........I should get my eyebrows done.....anyway, another day.....oh...my phone is ringing....

"Hello? who? Oh Catherine, hi! WHAT? YOU GOT THE JOB AT THE PARLIAMENT? YOU ARE KIDDING! CONGRATS! yes, we should celebrate....definitely, yeah, I'll ask Jojo if she wants to come along..okay........ciao!"

"Hello? Hi Jojo, its me, waffarian.....(laughing) yeah, its such a lovely day isn't it......yeah.....wait.....why did I call you again? yeah! was wondering if you wanted to do indian today.....for lunch.....hmmm.....okay....see you!"


Yeah.........Indian.....should be good, maybe tikka masala......we should go to a museum or something........check out what's happening.....Oh dear!.....my phone is ringing again

"Hello? who? Oh Catherine! what's up? emmmmmmmm.....eh.....I forgot to ask her......yeah....I just talked to her.....totally forgot..yeah.....I know.....I'll call her again! oh? no need? you are going to New York? oh.....okay........"

Oh please, don't you rock my boat, cos I don't want my boat to be rocked, you should know, you should know by now, I like it like this, so keep it still......

Chukwudi, student days, men, etc.

There is an Igbo proverb that says:"The woman carries the burdens of the world on her shoulders". When I first met Chukwudi, thats when I realized how strong and determined I could be. As I said earlier, Chukwudi is an honest guy but he was one of those guys that was constantly hanging out "at the passenger's side of his best friend's ride". He was always happy to come second. Never first.He had lots of ideas, but instead of implementing them himself, he would always be happy to let his friends do the hard work and then he could just take whatever crumbs they gave him, and believe me, he was just happy doing that. I would not say he was lazy, but I think he lacked confidence in himself.
Anyway, that's how he was when I met him, rolling with the big boys, and he had lots of good friends too because he was such a loyal friend. I recognised this very early on in our relationship and that is why I constantly pushed myself just to show him that one could do anything if we set our minds to it. The funny thing is, I actually never wanted to study abroad, I wanted to study in Nigeria because I could not bear the thought of leaving him. Somehow, I knew he needed someone to believe in him. Anyway, we were so in love, we did the whole "indian movie" love story, we shared a lot of wonderful moments together. The only reason I decided to go was because Chukwudi convinced me that that would be the best thing for "us"(Oh Lord!). He always said Nigeria was not meant for people like "us", Nigeria did not fit "us", especially him, he had big dreams, that one. I must say, in one way, I understood what he meant. He was always reading or listening to music, dreaming away. The day I decided to study abroad, I had asked him, "Chukwudi, if you had the chance to study abroad, would you do it? would you leave?" His reply:" I would go immediately, I wouldn't even think about it!"
"So you would leave me?" "Look waffarian, if I had the chance to leave this country and live a better life, I would, and you have the chance. Even if you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for me. Think how different our lives would be, you could study, work and save money, and then I'll come over and join you. Imagine! by next year, we'll be together again, and we would have left this country!". Yes Oh! Because na so e dey easy! hahahahahha make I laugh small.Thats how I left Nigeria, to become a poor student, that had nothing other than the fact that Chukwudi's dreams weighed heavily on my shoulders.I was one of those "proper" students, you know, the ones that live in the hostel all year round, including christmas. If anybody knows that of kind life, na African "scholarship" students. Not those students that their parents "fixed" scholarships for them because they work in the ministries or embassies, thus, even if their parents are rich, they still enjoy government funding, Mba, I am talking about real sufferhead. The ones that actually applied, sat for an exam, and God knows how, got a scholarship. The ones that after they buy their monthly food, they can go to the cinema once. They are in campuses all over the world. Na dem know wetin real sufferhead be.
Anyway, that was the situation. During my first summer, I worked on different farms, I pluck tire, and I saved the money I got in a bank account. The money I did not save, i bought "boxers" and "t-shirts" and sent it back to Chukwudi.(hahahahahhahahahahah, abeg, make I laugh again). The small money I got from my parents, na Nitel dey chop am. Those days, to phone Naija na "try your luck". Infact, sometimes, i dey get real operator self wey i dey gist with small. The best city to phone those days na Lagos, even if you try 20 times, at least once, e must to go through. Benin.........rarely. Warri? hahahahahahahhaahhahahahabeg, no vex, wey waffy girl remember all those times wey we dey pile ourself go one of my friend's uncle office cos "from there na better connection", laugh wan kill me!
So all my extra money was spent calling Chukwudi who was hardly ever there. Even after calling repeatedly and leaving specific days and times, he never made the effort. He was busy chasing other people's dreams. That was how that year ended, I wrote letters about how much i had saved, sent pictures, called diligently. That same year, Chukwudi finished from the university. He was now officially free to start chasing his dream. That same year, I travelled to England, to celebrate "surviving" that horrible year, and also because my cousin had promised that I could use his phone as much as I wanted to call Nigeria. I was so excited, finally, I could talk "properly" to Chukwudi without my friends hovering around, we could re-evaluate our plan, I wanted to know how much he had saved, etc. I called him immediately I landed. The way he answered the phone sent chills down my spine. I knew it was over. Our time was up. He did not say anything bad or hurtful to me, it was the way he said my name, the way he talked, everything. I did not say anything, I just knew, he was still talking when I gently put the reciever down. I cried. For a long time, I cried. That was the last time I spoke to him, untill I met him again that early morning(See "I am hustling" post). I later found out that he had opened a business in lagos with one of his friends(i am not going to say what kind of business just incase, but it is something that is thriving seriously in Naija now) the year I travelled and about that same time I was in England, he was basically sitting on serious money. He was spending money like water. Yes my people, that is what had changed. That is the difference I heard in his voice that day. It was "new money" that was talking to me. All these years, I never knew. After 8 years,I find this out. I was ready to leave my home, work, do anything for him and him, he did not want to share. Simple.

So wey una dey talk say i dey harsh for dat "I am hustling" post, laugh wan kill me! Why i go pity am?and by the way, this was my first love oh!(baby girls, i sure say una know wetin dat one mean)

I am hustling!

Oh girls, how many times have you heard this? Check out this scenario,

A: Hi Chukwudi, long time oh, what's up?
B: I just dey oh!
A: So what are you doing now?
B: Actually.....ehhh....I'm in Abuja!
A: Wow! that's great!, yeah, i remembered your mum told me.
B:Things are tough you know......but by God's grace, I'll make it.
A: So where are you working in Abuja?
B: Ehhhhn, actually, i do a bit of everything....(coughing), this and that.
A: Ohhhhhhh, Okay, soooooo you are into business?
B: Ehnnnnnn, you can say that, but you know......we are in Abuja....we are hustling now.....you know how things are
A:You are what?
B:Hustling now......you know...

What the hell does hustling mean? does it mean "I am trying to get a job, i wake up early, look at the newspapers and apply for all the jobs i see" or does it mean "i wake up in the morning, go to the nearest internet cafe and spend all my money looking for mugus" or "i am basically unemployed but i am perching at a friend's house untill he makes it and then, maybe he'll help me out".
What the hell does it mean?
Yeah, thats what my ex, was doing. He was hustling. I visited Naija a while ago, after 8 years and that is what that fool was doing. I really hoped he would be doing well. I really hoped.He was a good guy, honest, helpful so i wished him the best.........I expected that when I came home, people would say "ah waffarian, Chukwudi is a big boy now oh! he is now working at so and so, did you see his house? infact, his wedding was the talk of the town, men, you missed!"........that is what I really hoped for him, that he would be settled and doing well.....instead, on that early morning, when the dogs started barking, my brother ran in to tell me he could see Chukwudi strolling towards our house. I went out to meet him, he had not changed, he still looked the same, he was wearing a pair of jeans, a "chequered " shirt,(short sleeve), one of those "reiging" sandals, glasses and one of those bags that go across the front and then "lands" at the back. I remember seeing that entire look on one of those comedians on "1001 laughs". Anyway,I was excited to see him, hoping after 8 yrs, he was doing well for himself.......and that is what he was doing, he was hustling!

Happy Womens' day!!!!!!!!!

Happy womens day oh! Mummy, my wonderful sisters, my friends in real life and ofcourse my wonderful ladies here in blogville! Keep on moving!

Madam the Madam!

I am sure you have all been wondering where I've been, well, I've been quite sick. I think it was my snow scooter adventure that caused it and I sure say na all you jealousy people cause am! tufiakwa!
I witnessed something a while ago that made me really appreciate my upbringing and my mother, but first, I want to write about something my mother instilled in me a long time ago. I want to talk about it because the older I get, the more I realise that all those little things she taught me, stayed with me. They actually did. My mum has five kids. She was such a hard working woman! She has always had more than one job, two jobs and at one time,three.She has always cooked, cleaned, sewed our clothes, helped us with our homework. Too many things.When we were only three kids and really young, we had a house maid that took care of us untill my mum came home. As the children increased, the time the house maid spent with us decreased. I remember it went from everyday to three times a week and then just weekends and then.......no one. I am sure you all don't understand, how could that be? Well, my dear, in my house, we were all expected to do the house work!By the time I was 12, we had no one. The house work was shared accordingly. This is how I remembered it

Rooms:The person in charge was expected to make all the beds, pick up all the toys, and sweep and mop, including my parents room.

Living Room: Sweep, mop, fluff pillows(sounds easy right? hahahahahahah Not!)

Kitchen: Wash all dirty dishes, sweep and mop

Food: Go to Effhurun market, buy food and cook(this duty was implemented at a later stage, 14 or 15yrs)

Clothes: Wash(everybody's)clothes, hang them, iron when dry(same as above)

Dogs: Clean and take them for their walks(3 dogs, at one time, 4)

So that was it. My mum did not care who did what, but it was expected to be done!By the way, you know that year, after SSCE, waiting for jamb results? yes, you were the official house girl that yr. We were all house girls or house boys/drivers for that year. If you were not going to school, in waffarian's family, that was equal to house girl.Believe me, these things were not done without protests!

"OHHHHHHHHH! mummy why now? why can't we get a house girl! look at them aunty rose, they have only three children and she has two housegirls and one cousin helping them! ohhhhhh! I am going to tell daddy! ah ah!

The only reply we got was that "why would you want people touching your things?" and also, when she was younger, her parents did not have any housegirl and all the kids helped out with the house work plus farm work! and by the way who did we think we were? special! that is nonsense! what are we doing with our time that we can not help out? ehn? oh sorry! i forgot! you are a princess! should i serve you? oh queen waffarian, how do you do? maybe i should fan you also! is it too hot? shuo!!!!!!madam waffarian! After that kind of ranting, we just went on with the housework, slowly, but surely, we all got used to it, and in the end, we did not even need a "timetable" to do things. Everyone just did things automatically, if i saw my sister cleaning, then i started the cooking, and so on, we did not even need to designate duties anymore! Even my brother, the "driver" took his job seriously,(albeit a lot of disappearing acts!)
Also, the older ones were always expected to babysit the younger ones, we were all "supernannys", including my brother. I can "make" baby food, check for symptoms, know all the vaccinations, development, weight, etc and you know why? cos we all went along for such appointments in the hospital.

Anyway, those days, I just thought my mum was nuts and now.....heheheheheh my people, wetin make me remember all this kain thing? Well, I went to visit a friend of mine (another London visit), she has two kids and in her early thirties. She lives in a very cute house, typical london house,comes from a wealthy family, educated in England, the husband as well. When I first get into the house, I am shocked. The kids are running amock, the living room looks like a bomb has exploded, but she.....she is looking.....so well put together. Ah ah! New hair style, one of those expensive "Beyonce" weave-ons, her clothes......shuo!so stylish! her nails, french manicure. I am shocked. How can your home look like ......anyway, we go to the kitchen where......Holy shit! something terrible has happened here.....pots, pans, plates, food everywhere........the doors of the cupboards are hanging loose.....I could fix that..I just need a screw driver...oh sorry, I digress, anywhere, traces of palmoil here and there......In the midst of all this, she is calmly serving food, for us, the guests.....I can't take it anymore, I begin to attack the dishes

Friend:Waffarian, ah ah! you have not changed at all oh! abeg leave it now.....lets go and eat first

Waffy:Lets wash some now, cos later, it will be too much......wait oh! I think I hear your son crying...

Friend: aunty! aunty! Chigozie is crying! go and check what happened!(in Igbo)

Lo and behold, an elderly woman materialised from no where, dragging her feet across the floor
Waffarian: Who is that?
Friend:Ehhhn, she's helping me now, mumsy sent her
Waffarian: From Naija?
Friend: Ah! Without her, I would not be able to manage oh! After mumsy left, she sent her! abeg, waffarian, leave those plates now, aunty will do them later! come and gist me jare! long time!
Waffarian: Your son is still crying oh!
Friend: Don't worry, aunty is there now!

Na so I begin wonder, for jand, person fit get plenty help,vacuum cleaner dey, dish washer dey, washing machine dey, you get light constantly......why now?

The end
(Singing)Thank you, thank you Lord, thank you Lord for everything you have done, for my mother, thank you thank you...........

Psycho, part two

Where was I? Yes, I was locked in. I checked if there was any way out, there was none, funny enough, I was not scared, I knew he would not harm me, I did not feel like he was a violent person, he just had some screws missing.Anyway, I looked around me and his house was so strange. Every single thing was brand new, I knew he had just bought a house but the house was so pedantly arranged. Every single thing had its place, for a guy's place, that was extremely unusual. I went upstairs and opened the wardrobe, even there, the same thing. His clothes were all neatly hung or folded, his shoes were colour coded and lined up. I opened desks, bags, the same thing, not one thing was out of place. The bathroom had the most amazing collection of hair and body products I had ever seen and everything seemed so expensive, his clothes and shoes all had designer labels, even his underwear. Anyway, after my inspection of the house, I just sat there in the darkness, I did not dare to put anything on, and waited. He finally appeared around 1pm, by that time, I had already dozed off, mind you, he picked me around 3 in the afternoon. I had not eaten all day and because of his behaviour, I did not dare say anything, I just wanted the whole ordeal to be over. Nobody said anything that night, the next day was "carnival",so I just asked him which room I was going to sleep in. He gave me a really strange room, no sheets, nothing, I just sat up all night waiting for morning.

The next morning, I took a shower before he woke up, was dressed and ready to go and by this time starving, I just wanted to go to my cousin's place. When he woke up, the first thing he did was apologise for everything, fed me this cock and bull story about family issues, etc, he still wanted to take me to the carnival and long throat like me, I still wanted to go to the carnival, anyway, when he was sure i was staying, he became happy again and went upstairs to get ready.

My people, that happiness no even last up to 5 minutes, all of a sudden I heard him screaming upstairs. Ah ah! wetin I don do again? By this time, this whole adventure is becoming amusing and I am starting to enjoy this sick man,(young girls, please do not ever try this),anyway, so what was the problem? He said "he could not believe I could do this kind of anything! after everything he had done for me, imagine, after I showered, i did not clean the bathroom!"ah ah? So I went to the bathroom to see what he was talking about, my people, I could not understand, apart from the bath tub, being a bit wet, everything was perfect, I had not touched anything or used anything! I told him I could not see what was wrong, he said, normally, he hated getting his "feet" into a wet bath tub(the funny thing was that it was not even that wet)and I should have "dried" it after my shower. Heheheheheheheheheheh, I just laughed, this one come aggravate am so tey remain small, the bobo for begin cry, he started telling me "how i could not even respect the fact that he has been living alone all these years, and how dare i think i can change him....etc) Chineke! I have been at his fucking place for one night! By this time, I realize he is just sick in the head, and i am not even bothered.

So we get to the carnival and the only thing I am interested in is getting some food, he promises to get "obalende suya" for me when we get to the naija area. Anyway, by the way, do not for a moment think, bobo has changed, all the way there, he kept on telling me how much he was doing for me by taking me to the carnival, how he normally does not go out, this and that.While at the carnival, bobo seemed to know every single Nigerian that passed us, he would always stop and chat with people and he was so nice!! People just loved him, especially the girls! everybody kept on
giving me the eye ,(as if to say, what a lucky girl), he would ask after their families, ask specific questions, tell them to phone anytime, etc. Anytime we would stop to talk to his friends, I would be laughing my heart out cos i had never seen anything so sick in my entire life!

We get to the Naija area and immediately I spot an old friend from Benin that I had lost contact with in Naija!I immediately run up to him and we are so excited!Stanley was so angry, he did not even wait to be introduced he just walked off really mad, by this time, i was tired of his antics, so I did not even care, i just kept talking to my friend, all of a sudden my friend was like "come oh, waffy girl, are you with that guy? e be like say dat one don kolo oh!) so i look at the direction my friend is pointing, and there he was, Stanley, he had bought so much suya, he could not even hold it, he was staring at me, straight in the eye and started stuffing the suya down his throat!He kept on staring at us and kept on eating the suya like a maniac, heheheheheh, anyway, i did not even look at him, my friend left and i just moved on with the carnival. He caught up with me later on and told me that "since i disrespected him by stopping to chat with another guy, i was not going to get any suya, and that he hoped i saw hm eating suya!" chei! i laugh tire! i was not even angry, i felt so sorry for him.

After the carnival, we go back to his place, and by now, I know I have just one night, i knew i could pull this off without causing embarassment for my family, i just could not think of my cousin "reporting" me to my mumsy and that is why, my dear people, instead of being afraid of a psycho, i was more afraid of disappointing my parents. (If there are young women out there, please, fuck all that "pride" shit, get out of such situations!). Anyway, we go back to his place and i spend that night in the cold room with no sheets while he sleeps on a luxurious bed. No problem, I made it through the night. I wake up early again, have my shower,"dry" the fucking bath tub and wait up for him. I go to his room and wake him up,he goes off to have a shower and I sit on his bed just looking around since I have nothing else to do and all of a sudden, I notice something peeking out from under his pillow. I pull it out from under his pillow. Its an album. I open the album and my people, what i saw in that album, i am still trying to forget it, even after all these years!The album was filled with pictures of a dead girl! yes, a dead person, in a coffin. I will never forget it, she was wearing white, i can't remember if it was supposed to be a wedding gown or if is was just a pretty dress, it was just not one picture, it was a fucking album! The whole fucking funeral was in that album, but most of all different pictures of this girl from different angles, it was as if somebody wanted to remember every single feature of her body.

Now, I am really pissed off, mad at myself for being with him, mad at my cousin for introducing me to him but most of all mad at him for keeping pictures of a dead person under his pillow.So, I take out all the pictures and throw them on the bed. I was so angry, I was fuming! When he came out of the bathroom he was shocked to see the pictures strewn all over the bed, he immediately starts crying and falls on his knees trying to pick up all the pictures, he was a real mess! Anyway, I think i must have said something like this "you sick mutherfucker! what the fuck is this? why the hell do you have dead fucking pictures under your pillow? who is she? why don't you get help, you are obviously a sick man, living like this! you are SICK SICK SICK! Fucking destructive piece of shit!"

Anyway, Stanley begins to cry and tells me she used to be his girlfriend, they were engaged and everything, and then she had to do a minor operation in the hospital(it was something simple, can't remember what, but one of those "not-dangerous stuff") anyway,he says she had annoyed him during that time(why was I not surprised?), and he was not speaking to her, she had called and begged him to visit her in the hospital but he refused to go, as luck would have it, she died during the operation and he had not been able to forgive himslef or move on since then. He was weeping, naked on the floor, with the pictures all around him. I tell you my friends, it was revolting. I tried to get myself together and asked him why he did not have pictures of her when she was alive and happy? pictures of them together when the going was good, etc, why did he choose to remember her like that? All of a sudden, he got mad again, he said they were his pictures and he will never part with them, and that he will always sleep with them as long as he lived. I don't know why the whole scenario did not touch me, cos I am an extremely sensitive person, but in this case, i was disgusted, angry, not sympathetic at all.

I decided it was time to leave this pyscho, he started crying, he started begging me to stay, he will do anything for me, pay for my fees if I moved to England, I could live in his house, drive his cars, he would do anything for me, I told him to get help, then he got mad again, he could not believe what i was doing, everything he had done for me, he was ready to give me everything and this was his thank you, my people, this time, the waffy wey enter my body, i no even answer am, i tell am say na three i dey count, if im no open door, im go see real craise person, e never jam real craise before, bobo still dey waste my time, na so oh, before im know wetin dey happen i don begin scatter furniture......men.....i took it there. Fear catch am! im open door, say make i comot for im house, say i don craise. I curse am well well before i go, anyway, na so my people, that tory come end. I went back to my cousin's, they never suspected anything. Can you imagine, untill I left England, that fool kept on visiting my cousin and his wife, sweet as can be, and everytime he came, the same thing, soooooo shy, can't even talk, always with flowers and presents for us. Since my cousin's wife did not know what had happened, she kept trying to fix me up, and anytime we were left alone in the house for a couple of seconds, i always asked if he had sought help.......he never did.

Fastfoward a couple of years, i was visiting my cousin again,and i saw some pictures of him and wait....who's that girl? is that me? Fuck! his girlfriend looked exactly like me! My cousin saw me starring at the pictures and he was like "she looks a lot like you doesn't she? so weird", my people, that was not what was weird. What was weird was that we both look like the dead girl in those pictures.

This is a true story, i would have written his real name so you babes in London can avoid the sick bastard but i can't. Anyway, if you ever meet any Naija man, he should be in his thirties now, rich, really pedant, glasses, i think he was from PH, he is quite tall, big, extremely nice, name starts with S as well, run for your lives!!!!

An encounter with a psycho

My people! the kind gist wey i wan give una now! chei! e go sweet una well well!I just remembered one stupid guy i met a long time ago.Why did I remember him all of a sudden? Well, i was watching the acceptance speech by Forest Whitaker at the oscars, and did anybody notice the way he walked after he made his speech? It was so powerful, proud, almost aggressive all at once, and I kept thinking, where have I seen such a walk before? That walk seemed so familiar.......and then I remembered! It was the psycho fool! The fool that till today anytime I remember what happened, makes me cringe!I was 19 yrs old and although I had been abroad for a year, it was my first trip to London where I was to spend summer with my cousin and his new bride. I was very excited cos it meant I could buy phone cards and talk to fool number 1 everyday! Well, that never happened,(after spending all my hard earned cash sending boxers and t-shirts to the fool, chei! i was a real mumu!)cos after one phone call with fool number 1, it seemed one year away had taken its toll. I was heartbroken but at the same time relieved.(our dream was that I would go abroad, study to be a doctor while all this time saving money in my bank account which I would send to him when it was enough for a ticket, we'll both work hard together and then go back to Nigeria and open a small clinic. SOMEBODY SHOOT ME!)

Anyway, so here I am in london, just broke up with the fool that was supposed to be "the one", I am young, free and ready to party! And this is where fool number 2 comes in the picture. For clarity sake, lets call him Stanley. So Stanley is a wonderful and loving friend to the new bride. He is sooooo shy, he hardly looks you in the eye when he talks, he visits regularly and often comes with flowers, choclate or something else, all the ladies love him, he is such a teddy bear! My cousin can't stand him, he does not understand why his wife adores him, she calls him her best friend. Everytime Stanley visits, his voice is so soft,he wears glasses which he adjusts constantly, Oh! and such a gentleman as well! opens doors, pulls out chairs, etc.The best part of it all is that he is extremely loaded! He just bought a house and he has two very flashy cars, all that, and no girl friend. Well, my cousin's wife decided to play matchmaker and would often tell me that Stanley would gladly take me around London if I wanted to, anyway, I managed to avoid going out with him untill my birthday when he arrived with flowers and a present.(I have always been "bohemian", don't know about designer clothes, have no idea about what is in vogue or not, not at all materialistic,you get the picture, don't know anything about cars and shit like that)

Anyway, so this fool shows up with a "t-shirt"(I used to wear t-shirts and jeans a lot those days) that was an expensive designer stuff, I have no fucking clue,and i was supposed to "ohhhhh and ahhhhh", whatever, he shows up and really wants to show me around London. I had to. Cos he gave me a present, whatever. He is so nice, shows me around, buys maps and so on, we have a wonderful time and decides I should spend the weekend with him.(I KNOW! I KNOW! I WAS YOUNG, I WANTED TO LIVE LA DOLCE VITA!) Anyway, he said nothing would happen, he just wanted to show me a good time, as in night life, clubbing, etc, he "concorted" this plan where I was supposed to tell my cousin I would be visiting an aunt in another city, while telling my aunt I was with my cousin. It was so exciting! He told me all the wonderful places we would go to and how much fun we would have. I trusted him 100% and I believed him 100%. So first, I really went to visit my aunt but came back on a friday instead of sunday, anyway, I arrived at the train station and that is where the madness began.

Stanley knew the time I was arriving, the platform and so on but when I arrived, he was nowhere to be found. I waited an hour and was just about to phone my cousin when I saw this guy, walking towards me, so mad, i expected white foam to start coming out of his mouth at any minute

"what the hell is wrong with you, don't you know you should come outside, my car is packed outside, i don't want to get a ticket, i've been waiting, bla bla bla"

He was just screaming at me and i really did not understand what the hell he was saying cos he was almost choking on his words, he was so loud that a police woman nearby actually came to ask if there was something wrong. I was in shock, I could not believe it. Anway, the fool that I was, I got into the car, here again, wahala.....

"what is wrong with you, why did you bang the door like that? can't you see this is a new car.......bla bla bla.......and by the way, can't you even say congrats? i bought this car just because of you, its totally new and you did not even notice, i am really upset with you, to tréat me like this, i came all this way, and you are not even happy to see me, do you know how much this cost? ...bla ...bla"

This guy is so angry that he is shaking, seriously.By this time, I already have a plan, once we get to his place, i take a pee, and find my way to the nearest phone booth(no mobile phone) or in the worst case, call police. Anyway,we get to his place and i go to the toilet to take a pee. When I come out, he is by the door, he tells me i have made him so mad he will have to leave me for a while. In my mind, i am thinking, even better, my exit will be smooth and easy. Immediately he leaves, i take my bag and head for the door.Lo and behold! he's locked me in! Can you imagine?

To be continued.........