Life is a roller coaster...just got to ride it!

Okay, I know people say all the time that you really need to believe and let go, things will come to you, etc...well, they are all right! This past year, I have been working really hard in changing the way I see my life, trying to get back that positive feeling that I used to be so famous for, before I became a "fatalist" like a friend of mine calls me. Anyway, I don't know how in the world I stopped being so excited about life and everything around me. How did that happen? Well, I know. It was the fucking series and series of never fucking ending disappointments...they never ended...and I know, I contributed to it. Someone told me recently, "You know Waffy, you really are too trusting"...I thought about it and told another friend of mine...I mean, I know I am, its no secret, I trust people in good faith...and yeah, that's what fucks me up...time and time, and time again. Anyway, and my friend tells me "but that's what makes you human...how else are you supposed to live in this world?"...and you know what? She is right, I can not live in paranoa thinking every single person I meet is dishonest or out to get me...that would be way too egoistic, cos really, I don't think I am that important to anybody.

Anyway, since summer, I've been working really hard on my life, changing mostly the way I think, and trying to find the old me. The girl from Nigeria who set out to conquer the world. The old me is not perfect, but she was strong and determined and every set back was an incentive to work harder, try harder, and do her best. That's the part I wanted most, to do my best in anything I do and not the half assed attempt I often throw in. Do my best and get satisfaction in even the little things in my life. Live my moments.

It has been hard work, trying to always be "present", giving a 100% concentration in every single thing I do. It is hard work to stop my mind running away in fantasies and dream land. Yet again, practise makes perfect. That's true as well. My mind still runs away from time to time, but now, most times, my mind is concentrated on whatever it is I am doing. It is becoming a part of my life and I can't wait until it just "is", just part of me, without effort, without thinking.

I know you all must be tired by now with all these posts about ME...I am sorry, but I am super excited and just had to share...do I even dare to say I am happy? It sounds so strange...I am the melancholic one, the one with the dark side...the one that loves the "absurd" and "existentialist thoughts"...do I dare to say I am happy?

Well...I think I am! Hope you all have a lovely week! and remember...life is full of ups and downs...just ride it out...hold on.