Sunday Music...

My father used to play music on Sundays when I was a kid. In my head, Sunday is always for music. You wake up, and the first thing you do is put on the radio or a CD. You make coffee or tea and you have a cosy time with your family. My family is not here but I will have a cosy time anyway. I will buy some milk and make hot cocoa, I will put some baguettes in the oven and put some butter over hot bread. I will go for a walk or take my bicycle for a ride. Sunday is to make life cosy. Love, sweets, newspapers, pepper soup. I hope you are all doing well and enjoying your lives. I need to clean as well.

Something: An old admirer called me around 2 last night, drunk. Seriously, the first thing you should do when you are drunk is to hide your mobile phone. One always starts calling up all sorts of people. I know. I am guilty of doing that as well. Anyway, he kept on saying how he really liked me and how he was so sorry he had been bad to me, and I should forgive him etc etc. I listened to everything and behaved towards him the way I always wished someone would do when I call up drunk. I listened to all his anxiety, problems, fears, his loneliness. When he was done, I said "everything is going to be fine. You will see, it will be okay. Now, drink a glass of water, and go to bed. I'll call you tomorrow". Actually, I am not going to call him back. I know how drunk calls work. Right now, he is probably very ashamed of himself and even if he does remember, will not want to know what he said or did not say. Best to give him time to get over the whole thing. The best will be to call him up in about two weeks or so and laugh merrily over the whole episode.

Now, I will go for my walk.

Sending you all love...

By the way: Rings on men are so damn ugly. If its not a wedding ring, everything else just looks crazy on their fingers. Especially those big round colorful ones...ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

and you...

Piece by piece
it takes forever
life goes by
and I still pick up the pieces
everybody else seems to be racing
but I am still picking up the pieces
Shattered all around me
takes forever to gather
but I don't give up
every piece will be saved
I spend my hours
gluing, stapling, fixing
and you...
and you...


Piece by piece
I am still gathering
some pieces are so sharp
I have cut myself
time and time again
some, I don't touch
too sharp, too sharp
everybody else seems to be in this race
except me
I am where you left me
picking up my pieces
and you...
and you..


and you...
and you...


You fucking left me here with shattered pieces...you left me with these fucking pieces...

and you...
and you...

and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you...

Daily observations...

On the lift: A young woman got in with three children in tow. Two of them were settled snugly into those new hip strollers that have two places for kids, side by side. The baby was about 6 months and the one beside it, about 2, while the one walking was about 5. By the way, is there anything like a Louis Vuitton pram? Cos I swear to God, it had those LV symbols all over...are there really human beings who would buy designer prams? Or perhaps it was a fake? Anyway, so she looks perfect. Not the pram, the young mum. Made up as if by a make up artist, all dressed up, etc. I know it was the mum cos the kids kept saying "mama" all the time. Anyway, in the lift, besides me, were three other women. An elderly woman with silver hair that kept smiling lovingly at the children, another young woman dressed to the 9's and a Chinese woman who kept staring at the kids. I, on the other hand, was interested in figuring out if this was a genuine LV or if it was fake and wondering what purpose either will serve? If it is real, then is she out of her mind? but, if it is fake, then she surely must be nuts. Cos not only do you go out of your way to get a designer pram, but a fake one? Anyway, I saw her on my way back home again, struggling with the kids. Still, she looked perfect.

On the train: The most irritating thing to see must be two people lovingly kissing in a seriously full train. Imagine a train with no place to sit, people pressed against each other all the way down into the aisles, and then, these two human beings who decide to demonstrate their love to the world. Seriously. Its the most irritating thing.

Dear soul mate,

You do not know me and I do not know you. I, however, have wasted much of my life waiting for you. Every book I read, every music I heard, every film I have watched, confirmed your existence to me. I therefore, waited. Sometimes, I waited patiently and sometimes I did not.

On the days when I was impatient, I met men who I thought was you. I would be ecstatic that I had found you at last and would quickly settle into a web of deceptive dreams that many times, would have suffocated me. However, I am happy to say, that more often than not, the patient days would arrive and I would quickly see that I had woven around me, a suffocating web. I would then realize that the man in my web was not you and painfully but pedantically, extract myself.

I wish these extractions took only days but I am afraid to say, on one occasion, it took years. I used to wonder if in your search for me, you have also entangled yourself in webs of broken dreams? I wonder, if you are even still searching, or did you give up a long time ago? I wonder, do you know, I am still looking for you? I used to think we could be like Yoko and John, me and you against the world, you know. The years have gone by and you are still not here. Many times I have almost settled for less. Like I said, on my impatient days.

I am sure you are wondering why I am writing this letter to you...

I wonder as well, seeing that you may never read this blog and even if you do, you might dismiss this letter as the rantings of a lunatic, which would be a shame.

I am writing this letter to you I suppose, to inform you that I have now gone beyond those days of impatience. You might think this is a good thing but I have also moved beyond my days of patience...

I am writing to tell you that I am beyond you.

It has been a long time coming and you must admit, that this is all your fault. You are never at the right place at the wrong time or vice versa. You are simply never any where.

It hurts to tell you this but I think, there can only be one Yoko and John in the world.

It is therefore with great sadness, soul-mate, that I inform you that I no longer wish to be your soul mate. I relinquish my stake in our partnership and you are now free to search for another.

Henceforth, I wish to be known as the woman who lived life on her own.

I know you will understand, if you ever see this.

Yours sincerely,
Waffy.

P.S: If you ever see me on the street, walk on by...

Better things...

A good friend came to visit. It was sweet of him to visit at this particular time. His visit did a lot to uplift my drowning soul. I was spoilt rotten. Chocolates, dinners, wine, etc. I told him I was an "agbero" but he insisted on spoiling me, which was very nice. I am grateful that he came at this particular time...it has been a hard time for me.


Been hanging out with my friend Tina and her family. I have been crashing out at weekends there on their sofa. They also spoil me. I eat there all the time and drink beer. I am thankful that they are in my life.


My friend D sends me mails and songs that keep me inspired to keep on going.For that, I am always grateful.


Everything always comes to me when they should, even at the darkest of hours.

Life.

Whatever. Lets keep going, got to find better things...

Dry...

It's been a hard job cheering up myself. Even though these days I feel much better about everything. Life is what it is. Yesterday, I made myself a really good lunch. I did not care anymore about my self imposed economic cuts. I felt much better. A friend of mine will be around this weekend so perhaps there will be some sort of "tourism" this weekend. Although I think it will be quite cold for walking up and down. I can't believe the weekend is here already. I thought I just wrote about the weekend last weekend? Well, last weekend I was down with the flu but now I am all well and healed...well, that's about it. I am dry these days...

Full throttle...

Okay, time to get into my superwoman role, if not, I might never get back on track. Just being me is never enough to handle life situations. I actually need to pretend I am some KGB specially trained agent to handle simple tasks in life. I am too vulnerable, too soft, too sensitive, a serious cry baby. Such people never make it in life...

P.S: Someone wrote a text to me the other day, he wrote "Life is so hard to you", and I agreed. Totally. Compared to many, I have seen enough. However, compared to many, what I have seen, is nothing. I know extremely brave people, incredibly wonderful souls. In many ways, life has not been fair to me, but, really, who is life fair to anyway? It's just the way it is. Years of hardship, years of happiness, years of creativity, years of productivity, etc etc. They take their turns. These are my years of hardship and so far, so good. A bit harder than this and I might actually not survive but this, I can handle.

Weekend 2.

WEEKEND!!!

Not as if I will be enjoying anything...I am still fucked up with the flu but I can still fantasize...enjoy yourselves people...wish I could drink something but I am all drugged up so no alcohol for me, plus, I am now on low budget economy until I get another job...but life goes on. Tmrw will be better!

Today...

I have been bored.

All day.

I also have the flu and as usual, I sunk deep in the abyss of self pity. No work, sick. Pathetic.

I watched documentaries online. I listened to music. I kept busy on facebook.

Did some writing. Re wrote some things.

Listened to some more music.

Tried to uplift my soul by listening to old music.

I watched a debate program and concluded that they were all morons.

Went back on facebook. Totally dry.

Tried writing again. Nothing.

Made some tea.

Got a phone call.

I couldn't talk because my voice is cracked.

Drank tea.

Suddenly remembered where I had seen one of the women on the debate panel.

Drank more tea.

Suddenly remembered where I had heard the voice of a man on the debate panel.

Decided to blog.

And that's exactly what I did.

10:45

Okay, Patrice. Here you go...are you happy now?



My mission was to find Mcdonalds. It was quiet. Sunday nights are always quiet. Fathers and mothers preparing for the misery of the next week. Children exhausted from weekend activities and the unemployed exhausted from doing nothing. That is how it was for me. I hadn't achieved anything and therefore, I was exhausted. I did not call any friends or family.I had not eaten anything all day. I read my book feverishly, desperate to get to the end, as if my life hung on every word. I was tempted to go to the catholic church, my childhood vision of safety and reassurance and do the rituals that used to have a calming effect on my childish soul but I opted for looking for alcohol instead. I went to my neighbour's, my sometimes drinking partner but this time, he had none. His wife asked why I had my coat on and I said I had thought about attending church. She said "but now you are here, asking for wine. This is the work of the devil". I agreed with her. Who else could it be but the devil?

I walked on the empty street, there was music blasting from TGIF and two men shivered under the artificial light outside, smoking their cigarettes. The whole atmosphere was set to decieve tourists that this was a town of fun and modern entertainment but I knew the truth. In a month's time, nobody will stand outside shivering. Everybody would be huddled under blankets at home, staring blankly at television sets and thanking God they had managed to find someone during the summer. Every pairing up during the summer, is in anticipation of the cold winter that causes people to jump in front of trains.

I found what I was looking for. I ate my burger by the window where I could watch people passing by. There is no shortage of sports cars in this city. They just kept passing by. Red, yellow, black, green. There is no shortage of couples either. Men and women holding hands, smiling and laughing. The world is a great place for some, I concluded.

I finished my burger and wondered if the other burger eaters thought I was pathetic. Eating alone by the window, lost in my thoughts, counting cars. Red, yellow, black, green.

When I got home, it was Twelve already. I had no idea it had taken me so long to eat a burger.

I was exhausted. As only the unemployed can be.

Listening to...

This week's "I hate men" rant....

Every week, from now on, this blog will feature a "I hate men" rant. I might make a seperate blog for it, who knows? I always write here, so it might be better to just leave it on this blog cos just like my other blogs, I might forget about it totally, so perhaps a "weekly" feature may be more suited to my disposition? My victim today, is a man I saw at the train station. Feel free to send in your own "I hate men" rants...




Just look at him! Uscccccccch? Beige! Of course he will wear beige! Part of the beige people. Boring. He can't even wait to open his laptop. Yeah, yeah, don't notice anything. Don't notice your fellow residents of planet earth, go ahead, get lost in your laptop world of mails, meetings, and briefs. Don't worry, you can even go ahead and have a "video conference" or whatever. Your life is so important. God! How I hate men. And when you get home, what do you do? I know your type. You don't even acknolwdege your wife. You will wolf your food down because you are hungry. Look at the time! Another late night at the office, while your wife is at home, waiting for you. And what do you do when you get home? Huh? You will go straight to bed after wolfing down your food, but you will not sleep immediately. You will open your laptop one last time and check your mails again. Time difference. Mails from U.S, Japan, India. She will turn off the table lamp on her side of the bed. You will close your laptop. You will go downstairs, and get yourself a glass of water. You won't even ask her if she wanted some water as well. You will drink your water and say, "good night". She would have slept off already. You disgust me. Ah! What do I see there? A small bag of candy in your laptop bag? Well, isn't that original! Greedy and stingy. Just for yourself! You eat it at work, eat it on the train, do you ever offer her any of it? I guess not, since its in your laptop bag.

I hate men.

I wish I could live like I am longing to live...

Sshhhhhhhhhhh! I have a crush!

Is this blog fast becoming a journal of my love life or what? How boring! However, what can one do? It is what it is. I have a crush! It is childish and stupid and I should really purge my soul of this nonsense. However,I am living a very unhealthy world of fantasy and dreaming. It is terrible. And speaking of terrible, I just told another "potential lover" these two sad words "Fuck you!". This man, had the guts to compare me to some ex lover! HOW DARE HE? but that is not the worst part, the worst part, is that this ex lover is apparently dead. Now, who would want to be in competition with a dead perfect lover? The whole thing was freaking me out, so I did the first thing that came to my mind. I said "fuck you" and hung up the phone. It was terrible. I just did not know how to react. I don't know if he expected me to be sympathtic, but I just could not deal with it. Apparently, the perfect dead woman was the best person on earth, always understanding and never questioned him. Chineke, God of Africa and how on earth is that my business? The funny part of this amazing story, is that I had no idea he was talking about a dead woman, so when he finished his comparison, of me, being "questioning" while DW was so understanding, all I said was "well, if she is so perfect then why are you not with her then?" and he yelled "cos she is dead!". I was shocked at first but then I said "so are you comparing me with her???" and he said "Yes, cos if only you would be as understanding as she was, maybe we would understand each other", so I said "fuck you" and hung up. Who has time for all that psycho drama? So back to my crush. Please God let him notice me, please....

Nah...keep walking...

It's not easy for me to let people in because I do not trust people. But this is a natural instinct if you have been hurt by others quite a lot. Its natural that you protect yourself.In the past, people that have been close to me have been mean to me, let me down, disappointed me, hurt me, etc. But this is also a part of life. I do not take it to mean anything other than a part of life. However, since I am quite a sensitive person, I try to protect myself by being friends only with people who seem to be tenderhearted (solid, good people). If I make a mistake, and become friends with someone who seemed to be so and then turned out to be something else, I do not waste my time in regrets and neither do I waste my time asking "why", I simply just walk away and let the human being be.

Which is what I did recently. A "friend" of mine completely let me down at my former place of work. It is largely because of certain selfish actions that she and others took, that made me quit. It was incomprehensible to me, that someone who I had been so nice to, treated like a little sister, helped in so many ways, could become such a selfish human (I guess she did not really "become", she probably always was one, I was the one who did not see that incredibly glaring human trait, naive as I am). The funny part, was that she actually thought that after her actions, I would still want to be friends with her? What planet do people live on? Life is not like that. We all must take consequences for our actions. If you choose to fuck somebody up, then that's what you did. There are no two ways about it. You just swallow the bitter pill and move on. Nobody is obliged to continue a friendship under such circumstances. I got a text from her yesterday. Apparently, for some reason, she wants to meet cos we have a lot to talk about.

Really? HA HA HA HA HA HA Christ! People really do have nerves. Talk about what? Why can't people stand for their own actions? I did not go about explaining "why and how" to anybody because for me, my conscience is solid and clear. I am quitting because I feel unfairly treated and used. Finish. End of the matter. I stand by my actions and I accept the consequences. If you think you have handled yourself right, then you owe no man explanations. Why on earth would she want to "explain" anything to me? Stand by your actions and move on. That's how I see it. People should be made to understand the consequences of what they do in life. This is not some play ground where you can just do as you want and play with the lives of others and then come back, and play "tea". She must be kidding.

The thing is, I really have nothing to say to her. She is not who I thought she was and that is fine by me. It is part of life. I have already wished her the best. Good luck in life, but you are just not the kind of person I wish to be associated with. Life is too short to know such people. They are so many nice people out there, why waste time with someone of that nature when you can mingle with the best?

I am not going to meet her. I am not going to waste one second of my life in the presence of such a human being.

We do not have anything in common and we never did.

It was all just an illusion.

More Music...

Music...dreaming...home...soul....

Unemployed and feeling good...

I quit my job.

And on that note, FUCK YOU TO SOUL SUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO FEED ON THE INTEGRITY AND GOOD WILL OF HARDWORKING PEOPLE.

I feel better.

Anyway, so my days are spent looking for another job of course and meeting other unemployed people.

However, I don't feel gloomy at all. I feel good that I am not being taken advantage of anymore. No more running around like Cinderella. No Sir! Fuck it. I rather live in poverty (which reminds me, I need to stock up on potatoes) than swallow one more minute of shit from low thinking narrow minded human beings. Ussssssssschhhhhh!

I got the best reference ever though. Apparently, I am much admired and loved for my ability to give 100% of my soul. Why I was never rewarded for such sterling qualities, I do not know.

Fuck them.

No small thing...

Your humour makes me smile
Your music makes me dance
Your kindness makes me cry
Your genius blows me away
Your humanity makes me proud

You are my favourite inspiration