Am I done growing up now?

When I was a kid, my mum used to fold my clothes and place them nicely in my drawers. This must have psychologically affected all of us somehow. To show how much we love ourselves, we like to "pack" each other's things and place them nicely in piles here and there. When my sister came to visit, all my clothes were folded, arranged, hanged, if I had an iron, she would have ironed them all. When I visit my siblings, the first thing I want to do is inspect their cupboards and see what needs to be arranged. Everybody protests, we all do, "DON'T TOUCH MY THINGS!",the same way we all did when we were kids, "mummy, I can do it by myself!" because as kids, we all had our secrets in little corners, poems, notes, keepsakes, drawings, pictures,lovenotes, cards. Once I came home, and my mum had arranged all my clothes. In order. T shirts, shorts, undies, skirts, trousers, dresses, etc etc. Everything in their own pile. The first thing that went through my mind was my valentine cards! had she seen them? Of course she had, they were all arranged in piles too. In order of names. These days when I look back on my childhood, I wonder that I never could appreciate my mother. It embarasses me to think that the only thing I thought about when I heard my mum was going around arranging cupboards was my little keepsakes.

In a feverish state, I woke up in annoyance over the dust that had gathered under my bed. I know there is dust there. I am angry over the way I have clothes strewn here and there. I am angry that my dishes are dirty in the sink. Clothes that need to go to the laundry. My hair needs to be combed.

Things need to be put back in order. Nobody can live in this chaos that I call my life. Not even I, the owner of this life can put up with it any longer.

Something's got to give. I have been prepared all my life for this very instance. All this boarding school and military school was exactly for this moment in life. All my youth spent crashing here and there was in preparation for this moment.All my relationships, living apart or together, have been in preparation for this moment.

ADULTHOOD!

Yet, here I am, behaving as if nobody told me what to expect. As if I woke up one day to find myself living alone. All my life, I have been prepared for this.

"Waffy, you see how I have folded these? This is how you fold your shirts. First, you fold in the arms, nicely, like this, then, you fold this part underneath, you see? Look, mummy will show you. What is that? Gum? I hate it when you chew gum. Who gave you bazooka? where did you get money from? Daddy? Okay, throw that away, right now. I am not raising a market woman here. Where is the gum? You put it under the table? Come, I will tell you now about bacteria..."

Feeling a bit better...

Not in tip top shape but not throwing up anymore. I still have pains though and my throat is still very sore. I have only managed to drink these past two days cos eating anything is like eating nails and barbed wire.Nose is still blocked even though I use a nose spray and blow my brains out every 30 minutes...

But now I am listening to music and hoping for the best tomorrow...I have so much to do so this is not really a good time to be this ill...but I'll just listen to some more oldies...

Sounds like the oldies I love to love...

Still sick...listening to music...and is RnB back or what? This totally sounds like the good old oldies...real soul...had to check twice to make sure that this was actually released this year. Loving the soul...nothing beats it man!

Pain...

It all started yesterday night. I came home feeling in top form. I have been on the roll this past week with everything, creatively. I came home, feeling a bit tired. I thought I would have a quick nap. Maybe 30 mins or so. I woke up a couple of hours later freezing. Nothing helped. Just walking to the toilet was pain and it seemed like that was where I was bound to spend the night, either peeing or puking. My neck hurt, my back hurt, my tonsils were swollen, I had high fever, I had a headache. In the end, I cried my self to sleep. I woke up this morning and the circle started all over again. I did not know what to do. By 5 or so, I was begining to hallucinate so I managed to call my neighbour who came in like super woman.

It is 5:05 and most of this night has been spent either freezing or sweating. However, I feel a bit better. I got drinks, fruits and tea from my neighbour and my apartment door is unlocked so she can check on me often. I know she has been here a couple of times but I was so far gone, I couldn't even lift a finger.

The biggest problem now is my throat and my back, and my waist. I am so uncomfortable, I dont know where to turn or how to lie.

Now I am sitting up even if I dont have the energy to but my back feels a bit better in this position.

I hope it all just vanishes tomorrow...

For all the little stars out there...

Just keep trying and trying
It’s just a matter of timing
Though this grinding is tiring
Don’t let it stop you from smiling
Just keep trying and trying
Sooner or later you’ll find it
It’s surprising how inspiring
It’s to see you shining
Cause in the dark of the night you're all I can see
and you sure look like a star to me

Whatever...

I am very tired. When you give people a step, they always want a mile. I helped someone with a HUGE project. Seriously went out of my way to do it but made sure he understood that this is really what I can do. I do not have the time or energy for such. I did it but it was because he just kept at me and would not give me a damn break even though I told him a hundred times of the impossibility of doing it. But I did it. I gave everything I had, did my best. Worked on it like it was mine.

But now...he wants more. I have said I can't, its impossible. But he won't let up...texts, phone calls, all hours...okay send the damn thing and leave me alone.

Now he sent the damn thing...and I can't open the document because God knows what the hell this is...

I have called, sent texts, but he wont answer his phone because he does not want to hear NO for an answer, so he sends this shit and puts off his phone.

Its supposedly his deadline tomorrow and I have to feel so bad that I stay up all night working on something that is not my problem?

Why are human beings so incredibly selfish?

I am going to bed. He will do what he has to do when he sees his text. We all gotta do what we gotta do.

Whatever. Not my fucking problem.

UPDATE: People are incredible! After worrying like crazy not cos I could not do it but just to make sure HE KNOWS that I could NOT do it, imagine what this guys says when I finally reached him this morning! That he put his phone off because he was having headache and he went to bed...

I have a headache now...

Your Big Love...

"What will I do now, Waffy?"
You ask me. As if I should know.
"It gets better. You just get on with it. What's the alternative?"
I don't know. Things are not the way any of us imagined.
You always dreamed of that knight in shining armour. Your big love.
We drank wine and talked of your big love.
We laughed until we rolled on the floor thinking about all the things you will do with your big love.
That is why telling you this is not going to be easy. All I see when I look at you is the young beautiful girl I used to know when everything was easy.
When our nights were filled with music and alcohol.
You drank Baileys when you were feeling particularly extravagant. I always drank white wine or when I was poor, beer.
Sometimes you wanted us to drink cocktails with long elaborate names.
All the time, we were looking for your big love.
We made up long fantasies of how you would meet him, how many children you would have, how many boys, how many girls, their names, where you would live.
You were always certain you would find your big love.
So even though you already had somebody, you always waited for him. YOUR BIG LOVE.
But now, its been more than ten years.
Now, you ask me, "what should I do?", you ask me because after ten years, you have finally left the man that had been your companion on the never ending wait.


I look into your eyes, its not easy to do, but we are women now. We are no longer 19 and dancing to music, high on life.
"What will happen when YOUR BIG LOVE comes? Lets say he comes tomorrow. What exactly is the big change that will happen?"
"Well, I will be happy" you say.
"I think, maybe you should start making yourself happy. This knight you know, the one we have been talking about for more than ten years, he is not yet here. And we have no idea when he will show up...IF he shows up. I think we should work with the assumption that he might..."
"WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? THAT I HAVE WASTED MY LIFE? SO WHAT HAS ALL THIS WAITING FOR BEEN THEN?"
"Well...you see, thats the thing with this life thing, there is really no garantee...so, I am just thinking, suggesting, that maybe it would be wise to forget all about this man thing...just for a while...just to get your mind a bit of peace..."
"BUT I WANT CHILDREN! I WANT TO BE A MOTHER! I AM GETTING OLD!"
"If it would make you feel any better, I have given up on "soulmate"
"WHAT??? BUT YOU KNOW YOUR SOULMATE IS THERE? WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?"
"Well...maybe he is...I don't know, but I am done waiting...anyway, just calm down for now...these things work out...do you remember coco jambo?"
"WHAT?"
"Coco Jambo..."

End of another day...

I have been super productive today. Now I am going to bed. Its 2:09 am. I feel good. Good night dear bloggers. Love.



For some reason, I remembered this song tonight. I used to have an old Bob Marley tape and the first time I ever lived alone, I used to listen to it all the time. I still remember exactly how that apartment looked like. Time really does fly. Has it been ten years already? Different apartment, different city, different country but same old Bob! We've been through a lot, Bob and I...but still together...

There you are crying again
But your loveliness won't cover your shame
There you are taking true love
While you're taking true love
You're given the blame
How could I be so wrong
To think that we could get along
Days I wasted with you, child
If I count there'll be a million or two
Now I stand alone through the memory that haunts me, that haunts me
And I walk alone through the rhapsody that taunts me, that taunts me

Have a great week guys!

Have lots to do today... I am sending positive vibes to you all..

Love.

Happy Sunday!

Nothing much today. Same as yesterday...

Hope you are all good...

In the zone...

Been away writing and it feels damn good! This unemployment thing has not been so bad after all!

Now all I have to do is find a rich Nigerian Alhaji that will marry me so I don't have to work anymore. I am open to suggestions. I will just bake all day and write and go for long walks...won't that be something?

Yeah, I am doing something productive with my unemployment time...it could be worse and its not yet "worse" so that means it can only get better.

This is my time, I guess. I'll just ride the waves out...

Now I will take a shower and go for a walk. I am obsessed with getting the "winter sun" everyday. I read somewhere that it is important to get at least 30 mins (or was it 15?)everyday against depression in winter and of course some exercise. Otherwise, you just sit at home all day because it so cold. It snowed in the night. I think it will be nice.

Love to you all and have a great weekend!

Btw legs...

A girl enters the computer room. She walks straight to the free computer beside mine. She sits down. Opens her bag. Takes out a deodorant spray and sprays right in between her legs! She puts the deodorant spray back in her bag. Gets up and walks out.

I look around to see if anybody noticed this event. Nobody has. Except me.

Right in between her legs!

I can always dance to MIKA...

Naija craise...

If only more people would get mad like this in that country, a revolution would be easy....

Funny enough, only women have been seen giving this kind of resistance to the Nigerian police.

Small background: Nigerian Police often use sirens and canes to hit cars and people out of the way which is ridiculous in a country with narrow roads, pot holes, motorcycles, hawkers, buses, lorries, wheel barrows, check points, etc. Private people (big men in the government) also use sirens to get around. This has since been made illegal, yet, convoys with "big men" still use sirens...



Naija police jam real craise wey dey meet Urhobo woman...ha ha ha...dem jam witchcraft! I can't stop laughing. Its not meant to be funny, but if you have lived in Warri, you will understand. Its just anger on a whole other level...
Enjoy

Feels like a "puff puff" kind of day...

Well...since I am STILL unemployed, why not do the things I have always wanted to do but never had time for? For example, will it be so bad if I made puff puff today? Today feels like a perfect day for "puff puff". In the midst of my misery, surely something "rising" is a good thing?

Diary of the unemployed...

9:00 am: Made two phone calls concerning jobs.

10:00: Made breakfast.

11:00: Talked to sister on phone.

12:00: Showered.

I am off to the library...

Not yet sunday???

I am already in my music groove and its not yet sunday! What will I do tomorrow then? Gosh!and how many blogs have I put up today? This is pathetic...

When I think about it...

Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same...

Off to the library. I am a bit into psychoanalysis these days. Don't ask me why. I started reading about Sigmund Freud and dreams and somehow I am now stuck on all this psychology stuff.Funny enough, I totally forgot that my sister once studied psychology for a year or so before she hopped off that education. So apparently, she has all these books that I can have if I want them...and of course I want them! I am in book heaven...anyway, have a good weekend my dear blog readers.

The thought I have this weekend is that there is really nothing with the fact that I am not doing stuff that everybody else is doing. Who is "everybody" anyway?

I seriously refuse to allow other people make me feel guilty about stuff I have no control over.

Everything is subjective, man.

You enjoy your distractions and I will enjoy mine. Life is all about finding distractions so we don't have to deal with who we are. That's about it. Feel free to quote me.

This time, I win!

The best thing happened to me yesterday. I had one of my "waffy days". I woke up at 8:30 in a panic! I had over slept. My phone was dead so my alarm did not ring. Luckily, in anticipation for my usual early morning circus, I had laid out my clothes the night before so all I had to do was brush my teeth, put some deodorant on and comb my hair. Anyway, so I do all these, and run like crazy to the bus stop. The bus was going to be there by 8:45. When I get there, there are some French students there. They say that they have been there since 8:25 and the bus that was supposed to come by 8:30 never came. By 8:45, it was apparent that that one will not show up either. They are either on time, or they are not coming. I realise immediately that it might be because of the road. Like I have mentioned numerous times, I live on the top of a small "hill", so when it snows and then rains it gets very slippery and sometimes, the bus drivers refuse to drive up there.The French people decide to start walking under the rain. Going down the "walking path" also sucks. It is wet and slippery and I was not in the mood to get wet. I decided to wait. In my heart, I knew a bus would not come, but I wanted to be stubborn. I was going to be stubborn and the damn bus was gonna come. It had to. As the clock approached 9, I knew it was a lost cause but I had not yet decided what to do, apart from being stubborn. Suddenly, one of those golf car things appeared. You know, those mini cars that the mail men use but this one was being used by the city people for cleaning up etc. The guy driving it had some rakes at the back, leaves, etc. The guy stops his car and says the bus will not come. He was working in the area and kept seeing the bus turning around at the station before mine so he had asked the bus driver what that was all about and the driver said no buses will come up there cos it was too slippery. Mutherfuckers!(but I understand...). Then, the mini golf car man says I can get a ride with him if I want. I was like "YES!!!". I thought he was going to just drop me off at the station where the bus now turns but he drove me all the way to the train station! Words could not explain my exhilaration.

YES! YES! I WIN! FOR ONCE, I WIN!! Does anybody remember the scene in "the mexican" when Brad Pitt jumps up and down saying "this time, I win!"? Anyway, thats exactly how I felt. Too bad, I could not find that particular scene on youtube. Cos that's EXACTLY how I felt.

Looking forward...

To a meeting with some older ladies. I enjoy hearing their opinions about life and seeing how peaceful and calm they are about their pasts. I always get so inspired anytime I hang out with them. It feels like I can do anything! And of course, I enjoy being treated like a child. Everybody is older than me with at least 20 years and more! They are always giving me candy. And I like candy.

More beautiful and I will die...

You are beautiful
Brown hair and brown eyes
Drawing fishes,
Green, blue and yellow
Dancing round and round until we both fall
Tight hugs and tight grasps
your love, your hope, your trust
"Good bye miss!"
then you turned around and gave me a hug!
You are beautiful
and if you give me anymore,
I will absolutely die!

New day...

....................

A thousand and one thoughts...

I have come to notice that I really like it when I come home and my bed is made. Makes me feel human, somehow.

Somebody dropped a letter to someone else in my mail box. I think I am supposed to post it or something. I always forget to do that. Its been there for a while now. But why on earth could the writer not post it herself/himself?. I am also tempted to open it, read it and then post it? My curiosity is killing me but...I don't think I dare.

There's somebody that blogs from this building. The name of her blog is the name of my street and number of my building. It would be interesting to find out who this person is but these days I don't have time.

A young boy opened the door for me today. I was impressed. Such a gentleman!

Any reality series that have people looking for that "special one" is toture to me.

Someone asked if I wanted to have kids today.

I got a piece of apple stuck in my teeth all day. It really irritated me.

I have been quite mellow considering the fact that I feel my house of cards will crash at any moment.

I am calm, cool and collected.

I sent texts to two people I know have been having hard times. People that I met randomly. Here and there. I got no answers.

I paid all my bills today. I really cant eat rice everyday. Which reminds me, I won't mind a cup of hot cocoa.

That "Zephyr" song is in my head again. And Bob Marley. I will listen to both.

I got a bit lost today.

I am going to read.

It's 11:12.

Goodnight.

P.S: not really a 1001 thoughts but that just made the title look good.

I Wish You Love...

Had another interesting meeting the other day with a stranger and I keep forgetting to write it down. I better do so now cos its one of those meetings...you know, my facsination with strangers and their fascination with me. I am telling you, I am a magnet...but here we go...


I got to the platform. It was cold. I took out my book from my bag and went into the waiting area. There was nobody there which was unusual for a late saturday night. I was still high on life after a dinner with my friends and their family. It had been quite interesting and entertaining. Many impressions.

A young man came in with his luggage. About three different bags which he dragged in. I heard the sound of a train and I got up to check if it was mine but it was only one of those weird "half trains" that passes through the stations in/on/at( I sincerely could not make up my mind about the preposition I should use, in, on or at? If anybody knows, please tell me) high speed and never stops. I can never figure out what they are actually used for. To carry coal? Cos they always look so dirty and smoky...just like a train that carries "pollution" would look like. Anyway, I went back to my seat and this young man says,

"Do you think one can get a ride on one of those?"

"Well, you get on it and tell me afterwards"

He starts laughing. I laugh too. It was a stupid joke but it was an opening. An opening for conversation...

"Are you going to "S"? he asks

"Yes I am"

"You live there?"

"Yeah, and you?"

"I am going to my father...I don't live here...I live in "U city" he says

"Well, that's nice. Are you visiting?"

Here, he is silent for a while and then he says,

"Can I be completely honest with you?"

"Yes, please"

"Well, I just got out of a rehabilitation home"

"Oh. How long where you in there for? Was it drugs?"

"Yes. It was either that or prison, so I chose that. Drug free six months now"

"Well I guess this is a new start then. Really good. Congrats"

"Yes but now I am very poor. You know I am used to a flashy lifestyle, everyday parties, I had a car, girlfriends...now I don't have anything"

"Ah! but you are drug free. That's really a good thing. How old are you?"

"25. But now I have to start all over again and I don't even know what to do"

"I understand. I started from scratch again recently so I understand your fears. But time goes fast and before you know it, you are back on your feet. Do you have some sort of education?"

"Yeah, I used to be a driver"(I was not sure what he said here, "truck driver?" some sort of driver, anyhow)

"Have you thought of studying?"

"I was not good in school"

"Ah! That's not a problem! Those things don't count anymore when you are an adult. Tell me, is there any job you see that you like? even though you think its silly...just say...anybody you admire?"

"I never thought of anything...I never liked anything...but now, when I was in this rehabilitation home, I really liked the people that helped me...so I was thinking...I don't know...but maybe I can study sociology?"

"Ah! but that's really great. Really good idea"

"You think its a good idea?"

"Yes! Its a good idea. I think you should do it. You are drug free, you will live with your dad, new city, new people, you can study in the university...


Unfortunately, the train came right at that moment and it was so full that we ended up in different wagons. I caught his eye when I got in and waved and he waved back.

I really, really hope his life gets better and maybe we will meet again one day and he will tell me he is now a sociologist and everything worked out fine.

I really hope so.

Interview madness...

First call on tuesday. Asked to call back on wednesday. Called on wednesday. Asked to call back on thursday. Called on thursday. Asked to come for interview on friday. Had a feeling in my bones that I should call and be certain. OOOps! did they forget to tell me? It's now on monday instead. That is, today. Let me just say, I am getting there at my own time because for some reason, I feel I will show up there and nobody will know who the hell I am...

Feeling good...

Woke up feeling good. I am going to take a walk. Been a long time since I woke up without a knot in my stomach. Normally, I wake up and I go "shit! another day!". Its terrible I know, but thats just the way it has been. If I don't go "shit! another day!" then I go "shitty world!", something like that. But today, I woke up and thought, "hmmmmm looks like its sunny outside, maybe I should take a walk?" and don't forget, sunday, is for music! And this, I dedicate to all the lovely people in my life and if I could send them all flowers I would but I am broke.

So, here's to me, and here's to them!



Meanwhile, is there anybody else that thinks Barry White has the ultimate "feel good" vibe? The problem with Barry White is you have to be a bit on air to listen to him otherwise you just get pissed off at him, you think, "why on earth is this man so damn happy?" So you have to be on another level yourself, of course. Anyway, Barry White is great for early mornings, doing nothing...but why on earth am I defending my taste here? Yes, I like Barry White, Bite me!

My neighbours are so noisy...

There used to be two guys living in the apartment beside mine, now I hear they are three in there. No wonder its become so noisy! Not with music or anything but they are constantly moving stuff, hitting the walls, just banging kind of noises...

I am going out. Can't take the weird sounds anymore. They are driving me nuts.

Come on now! We can do it!

I am trying to convince my sister to perform this dance routine with me for an occasion...look how easy the dance steps are! We can even get purple suits and all! She just refuses to even consider this idea...I am telling you, we can do it! Come on now!







Or maybe she would like me to choose a chereography from here!

We are all prostitutes...

Been having a good old laugh at the madness of the comments concerning Onyeka Onwenu, Toni Payne and the journalist lady. On any given day, a discussion concerning people I do not know, is inconsequential. However, something that tickles my soul is the way people talk about sex in that country.

First of all, for all the religious propaganda, Nigeria oozes of sex. People keep complaining about the "western world", "western values", yet, go to any Nigerian party and see if your eyes don't pop off at the number of women whose bosoms can hardly be contained in their traditional wears. But of course, because its "traditional", their breasts and ass wiggling and bouncing is not "indecent", yet, I dare not wear a miniskirt or leather pants to the same party, lest I be labeled a prostitute!

Turn on the radio and all you hear are men talking about the body parts and shapes of women. Look around you,one wife, two wives, girlfriends, mistresses, house maids, sex, sex, sex. Nollywood, sex. Music, sex. Politicians, sex. Pastors, sex. The Nigerian society reeks of sex. Yet, men still think that the best way to insult a woman is by calling her a prostitute. Now, really? Is this the best you can do? What makes a woman a prostitute in Nigeria? SEX! Nobody really cares if you get paid for it or not, as far as you are having sex somewhere and a male somewhere is pissed off at you, you are automatically a prostitute, even if the person you had sex with was him!

Being called a prostitute by men in Nigeria means absolutely NOTHING! That "insult" has long lost its value. If one was called a prostitute in a country with the best of morals and principles, that would be another matter. But being called a prostitute in a country that is rife with corruption, dirt, hypocrisy and bullshit? Somebody needs to update their dictionary of insults.

But let us get to the other matter. The issue of Nigerian women calling their fellow women all sorts of names, the favorite of course, is the one they have borrowed from their husbands, fathers and brothers, "prostitute". It does not matter what crime you have committed. It is not enough to just say "that woman is rude" and leave it at that. It has to be "that woman is rude...and...she is a prostitute".

I could care less about Toni Payne, Onyeka or the journalist. My main issue is the fact that anybody at all is bothered because a Nigerian man/woman labels one as prostitute. That insult used to be reserved for the virgin girl in 1900 who mistakenly fell in love with the master's son who promised to marry her.

Is there really anybody in Nigeria that will hear that somebody is having sex and think "REALLY?. If such a person exists, then I say to you now, you must be a damn fool.

The normal reaction when you hear somebody calling a woman a prostitute should be, "and so what?". It should not provoke long debates on blogs and newspapers. It should not be a matter that anybody should even be concerned about. We should all know by now, that there is a disgruntled man somewhere, behind it.

If you all don't know, now you know:The insult, formerly known as "prostitute" (ashawo) has lost its value. If you really want to insult somebody, get creative, update your vocabulary, think outside the box.

And if you still insist on calling a woman a prostitute, then do not forget that every woman you know is either one or will soon be one. Including your wife, sister and mother cos some man somewhere, is always mad at her.

Wanted!

I knew I shouldn't have watched that damn "wanted". I know how my body reacts to anything slightly unpleasant. Pure Paranoia. I start imagining that I must have seen the fugitives somewhere. My mind goes into overdrive, look well, are you sure you have not seen this face before? Maybe on the train? look again? And this rapist? doesn't he look familiar? wasn't he the one on the train the other day? And that armed robber? what a striking resemblance to your neighbour! on and on it goes...when my mind finally calms down and I convince myself that for sure, I have never seen any of those faces before, then the next stage starts, look carefully now, what if you see him on the train some day? remember, never make eye contact, he might understand that you have recognised him and that will be very dangerous for you, you have to be smooth, careful...

Lord have mercy!

I did not sleep at all last night. I woke up every twenty minutes, checked my door five times, checked my windows ten times, was that a noise I heard? It was a terrible night. Terrible.

I knew I should not have watched that nonsense, I knew it. Even as I was watching it, I kept saying to myself, "you are gonna be so fucked up".

I shall never, ever, watch that show again. Never. It took all my strength not to go to my neighbour's and ask if I could sleep over...thank God, I did not.

My reputation as a sane human being is still intact.



*Wanted=Its a show, just like America's most wanted

There is always somebody that doesn't have food...

Written yesterday



I was at a friend of mine's today. A single mother. She was busy making her daughter's lunch for the next day while I drank some wine. The daughter was going on an excursion so the mother packed, perhaps, a bit too enthusiastically. The daughter protested very strongly, "mummy, you always pack too much food for me. I will never be able to eat all that!". Her mother replied, "better to have too much food than go hungry and anyway, there is always somebody that doesn't have food, share it with whoever does not". I agreed with the mother. There is always a child that will not come along with a lunch box. My friend also packed a bag for me, as if I was also a child. Fruits and the leftovers from our dinner. I also protested, "are you sure???" she did not even look at me as she stuffed the fruits into the bag.

When I arrived at my stop, it was raining. A homeless man stood there, with his belongings strewn in paper bags all around him. "Cigarette?" "Cigarette?" he asked each passenger that came off the train. Nobody even looked at him as they hurried away, towards the escalators.

"Cigarette?" he asked.

"No, I don't have cigarettes" I said, as I hurried towards the doors...then I stopped...

"But I have food"

"Really? what do you have?"

I looked into the bag, even I, was not sure what was in it but right at the very top, was a banana and orange...

"Well, you can have a banana if you like"

"That would be nice thank you"

"What about an orange? you can also have an orange"

"Oh, that could come in useful, thanks"

As I left him in the cold, I remembered what my friend said "there is always somebody that does not have food".

Today, it wasn't me... but there is always somebody...

This week's "I hate men" rant...

Note: "I hate men" rant is a weekly feature on this blog. You are welcome to send in your own rants...

Number one misconception of me by men :That I am "happy go lucky" all the time and will entertain them and make THEIR lives full of life and colours. I am the "wild" exotic flower you pluck and put in your room and life is now good. Indeed! (and if you don't give it water and take care of it, its gonna whither and die and now you are upset cos you've got a dead exotic flower and even just seeing it there irritates you because you remember how it was once such a beautiful flower...but you forget that you killed it, anyway)

No. I am not happy all the time. I am also very quiet and "introspective" as someone once said. That's why you don't have to ask me five hundred times "what's wrong?" "what's wrong?". Nothing is wrong, mutherfucker! I am thinking! An activity that seems lost on you...

I don't know where men get the idea that we are here to make THEM feel great about themselves?

Am I supposed to juggle and do tricks too?

The funny thing is, I do tell them when they meet me. I am not this social all the time. I am very social when "I" want to be. Big emphasis on "I". I can't be social whenever someone else wants me to be.

I don't get it. I am me all the time. What do they want? I am not happy all the time. In fact, if I were happy all the time, then that would mean that I am a human being without empathy, cos not a day goes by without me seeing or hearing something that gets me a bit down in this cruel world. What? they want a robot?

But we are all human, I am not here to decorate YOUR life and make YOU feel happy.

I am here to make ME happy and making you happy is by the way...if it happens, it happens, but that's not my number one priority in life.

Make your own self happy mutherfucker. Damn, what am I? A monkey?

P.S: Meanwhile, if you are not social yourself, who the hell am I supposed to socialise with? if you are a dry human being, no interests, no opinions about society, no opinions about books, music, world matters, maybe even advertisements, I mean, come on, anything! If you have NOTHING, what the fuck am I supposed to "interact" with? "Oh, you are so funny with your sisters and friends but not with me!". Well, my sisters and friends have opinions on EVERYTHING. We can talk for hours cos they are living creatures, you know, mammals, primates, with brains, they have information and knowledge...there can be interaction, we bounce balls back and forth, you know, normal.

Usssssch! I hate men!