Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Am I done growing up now?

When I was a kid, my mum used to fold my clothes and place them nicely in my drawers. This must have psychologically affected all of us somehow. To show how much we love ourselves, we like to "pack" each other's things and place them nicely in piles here and there. When my sister came to visit, all my clothes were folded, arranged, hanged, if I had an iron, she would have ironed them all. When I visit my siblings, the first thing I want to do is inspect their cupboards and see what needs to be arranged. Everybody protests, we all do, "DON'T TOUCH MY THINGS!",the same way we all did when we were kids, "mummy, I can do it by myself!" because as kids, we all had our secrets in little corners, poems, notes, keepsakes, drawings, pictures,lovenotes, cards. Once I came home, and my mum had arranged all my clothes. In order. T shirts, shorts, undies, skirts, trousers, dresses, etc etc. Everything in their own pile. The first thing that went through my mind was my valentine cards! had she seen them? Of course she had, they were all arranged in piles too. In order of names. These days when I look back on my childhood, I wonder that I never could appreciate my mother. It embarasses me to think that the only thing I thought about when I heard my mum was going around arranging cupboards was my little keepsakes.

In a feverish state, I woke up in annoyance over the dust that had gathered under my bed. I know there is dust there. I am angry over the way I have clothes strewn here and there. I am angry that my dishes are dirty in the sink. Clothes that need to go to the laundry. My hair needs to be combed.

Things need to be put back in order. Nobody can live in this chaos that I call my life. Not even I, the owner of this life can put up with it any longer.

Something's got to give. I have been prepared all my life for this very instance. All this boarding school and military school was exactly for this moment in life. All my youth spent crashing here and there was in preparation for this moment.All my relationships, living apart or together, have been in preparation for this moment.


Yet, here I am, behaving as if nobody told me what to expect. As if I woke up one day to find myself living alone. All my life, I have been prepared for this.

"Waffy, you see how I have folded these? This is how you fold your shirts. First, you fold in the arms, nicely, like this, then, you fold this part underneath, you see? Look, mummy will show you. What is that? Gum? I hate it when you chew gum. Who gave you bazooka? where did you get money from? Daddy? Okay, throw that away, right now. I am not raising a market woman here. Where is the gum? You put it under the table? Come, I will tell you now about bacteria..."


Patrice said...

It's inertia. Once you get everything sorted, it will be easier to keep it sorted, just as when everything is in a mess, it is easier just to let it be that way. You have to find the extra energy to change it from one state to the other. Not so easy to do, especially when you feel as if you are already running on reserves.

Waffarian said...

@Patrice: I wish I was even running on reserves...thats been used up as well. Like I said to a friend the other day, I have switched to my robot mode because I just don't have anything left. This is now my KGB survival mode on. After I wrote that post I had to lie down for a while cos I was exhausted. Now I had a shower and I am exhausted again.