WHAT A FUCKING GREAT DAY!!!!

HAPPY.

I finally get a fucking break!

I am really happy.

Really, really happy!!!!

Work @ 13:05

Just 13:05? Uschhhhhhhhh

I wanna leave already...

Anxious and tired.

Monday morning.

How will I make it through?

So many things in my head.

Life seems so complicated these days. I wish I could just wipe out so many things from my head and mind.

I am tired. Really tired. So many things to do and anxiety takes over.

Now its 6:28. I have to take a shower, have to run.

What will happen? Why am I doing this to myself? Stressing so much about things I can not change?

I should be wise be now, being so anxious never helps anything. Its just paralysis.

But I can't help it...my heart starts beating fast...aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhh got to go. 6:30.

I am thinking way too much about a certain person...

Okay, now I should really take a shower.

All these years I've been learning to save fingers from burning...

Tomorrow is my turn...

Work...

Finally have some time to update this blog. What has been happening in my life?

Well, after my panic/shock of last week, things are pretty much back to normal except that I feel unusually restless at nights. Did not sleep at all last night....not thinking or anything, cos I am too tired every night to do my usual deep thinking, analysing, etc...I mostly just stare at the ceiling...

But, lets get back to what I have been up. My day looks exactly like this:

5:00 am: Alarm goes off, I spend the next hour trying to wake up and getting myself out of bed.

6:00 am: I finally get up, mumbling and irritated.

6:30 am: I have had a shower, and I am now sitting on my bed staring at the floor....trying to get dressed.

6:45: I wear whatever as I have now run out of time and I can't put off leaving the building.

6:50: I walk briskly to the bus stop.

6:53: The bus leaves. I sit on the bus. Lost in my thoughts.

7:00: I get off the bus. Buy a cup of coffee from a nearby shop.

7:08: Sitting on the bench at the train station drinking coffee.

7:11: Get on train.

Okay, I am bored with writng this post. Basically, by 8 I am at work and I am there until 4. The same thing as above pretty much happens on the way back except in reverse.

Lonely soldier...

I could not stop crying today.

I was supposed to have an eye operation today and it was cancelled at the last minute cos they suddenly decided it did not need to be done after all. I was lying on the table and all...

I don't know why it affected me so badly. I had not slept the whole night yesterday because I was very nervous and summoned all my courage just to wake up today and go there.

Long story cut short, (lots of medical reasons I can't be bothered to get into now), they decided that it would be best to wait.

I got in some sort of panic. I was given something to calm me down. I was okay again.

My friend E came to pick me up. I cried when he came. Then it was okay again. We went for coffee, lunch, I was back to myself.

He dropped me off at home, I started crying again. On his way he called and heard my voice so he turned back and stayed with me a bit to calm me down. It worked. He left.

I wanted to watch some TV, I could not.

Went to bed and then the fucking tears would not stop. I cried and cried. Slept off.

Woke up, ate something, thinking of cooking...

and now I feel like crying again...

It just wont stop. I am incredibly sad.

 Everything is wrong. I feel alone.

I feel fucking pathetic.

Sweetness!

So, I was lying in my bed after coming up from the laundry room without doing any laundry. I was just going to begin my daily search for stand up comedians when my friend burst into the apartment...

"Guess who is downstairs?" he asks, his eyes twinkling mischievously...

I knew immediately who he was on about. It was the young French guy that I often made jokes about becoming his sugar mummy...

"Really?"

"Yeah, he is down there..."

Well, nobody had to ask me twice. I put on my jogging shoes without socks and followed my friend behind.

I just happened to run into him...

"Oh hi" I say...

He kisses me on the cheeks...

Hot damn!

 We begin to chat, about nothing...something about shoes and running...I ask him if he wants to go out for a drink.

He follows me back to the apartment, I grab my coat and we go to the nearby bar.

I felt like a Puma. How old is he?

We talk about stuff, he laughs at all my jokes. I ask him if he has a girlfriend. He says he doesn't. The girl I thought was his girlfriend is only a friend. He does not like going to clubs. That's alright, I say. I and my friends just hang out at bars. He won't mind going out with me to a bar.

Really?

He walks me home. Kisses again.

I walk around to my neighbour's,  another French guy. He comes out and smokes a cigarette on me. I am a passive smoker. We talk about our latest updates on romance. I tell him about the young guy. We both have a good laugh.

We hug.

Life is sweet.

We never played by the same rules anyway....

I needed to get out of the apartment. I was suffocating, the walls were closing in...

I picked up my bag and left. I thought I had a destination.

I ended up walking aimlessly in the city for the first two hours after I left the apartment. I thought I was going somewhere....

I got to a park. Three people were meditating on the grass. "Falu Gong" the leaflet said. Goodness, patience and something else. I don't remember the third. The park was full of kids playing with the kind of enthusiasm that sometimes shocks me. How on earth can they be so happy? At the last minute I decided that happy kids were not really my cup of tea today.

I walked into a neighborhood that I had never really noticed before. I never noticed it because it was the kind of place that required cultural and economical capital for me to even notice it. I looked at the exorbitant prices in the shop windows and realised that even if I did manage somehow to climb my way to the top, how would I cope with the new "shoulds" that comes with that level? Cos thats what happens when you get that kind of money, there are so many "shoulds", "Oh darling, you should come with us to Nice, you simply must!" "You should get a maid". "You should buy a country home" "You should attend the charity event!"...it would never end...."you should"...

Twelve o' clock, already. Time for lunch. I went to a restuarant, ordered some beer and had Sushi. I began to feel quite good with myself. Walking with no destination was good for the soul. I don't have to do anything I don't want to.

My friend Tina calls. I realise how much I miss her. I have neglected her recently. Caught up in my own world, I have been closed to the world.

Another friend calls. Asks me if I want to have dinner with her. I accept.

Life has been interesting these past weeks. I don't know why I keep trying to understand the choices people make in life and why they choose to live life the way they do.

I will never understand how anybody can be weighed down with all that societal obligations...I just don't get it, so I give up. Trying to understand is just a waste of my energy...I never played by those rules.

 The fact is we all don't play by the same rules and that's okay. Its as simple as that.

Its hard...

Its hard.

To know that you are not here with me.

Its very hard.

Sweet and Sour...

Friday.

I can't believe the week has ended....can't believe the year is almost ending...

Well, well....

I think I am gonna buy some wine today and make myself a nice dinner. Oh yeah, I need to buy a book. Was at the bookshop the other day and I just could not buy anything. All the books seemed so dry but I will just have to force myself to buy something otherwise I will soon go out of my mind.

The return of winter. The return of dark days and nights. Luckily, I have so much to do, writing, writing, writing...

and of course...we always have sweet, sweet music.

Love.

What you should have said today was...

Lets get it on!

 

Locked Out Of Heaven...

Hell Yeah! Bruno Mars is back and I love it! Bite me! I think he is incredibly talented and just does his own thing. What is there not to like about young people that go their own way? I think its inspiring and I will surely be getting the album.

Update on life:

I just wish....what? I just want to be able to do all the things I want to do...its hard to do them all...some things have got to be sacrificed....

Love life: ..........I .....am....not....sure....

Its the usual call in life. Take a risk or...protect yourself. Either way, you are never sure what is right or wrong, you know...

Saturday...

I had a typical waffy day yesterday. I missed my flight. I 'll write about that when my headache goes...

I am supposed to be in Paris right now, eating croissant and watching men smoking gauloises...

But what am I doing instead?

Sigh.

Recovering from a drunken night out with a friend.

I should stick to white wine. Red wine always fucks me up.

WEEKEND!!!

 

Yep! I am off for the weekend. Can't wait. Have a good weekend guys!

 

Love.

Soul...

I have been feeling particularly sensitive these days, in a good way...

I feel really open towards the world and all that it brings.

I feel like I can feel my soul and... its a good soul.

There is so much love in there...its...

Beautiful.

Chilling...

Love Comes To Everyone...

Yep. Still stuck on the Beatles. Can't get them out of my head. I fear an obsession coming on...

It's so true it can happen to you all; there
Knock and it will open wide,
And it only takes time
'Til love comes to everyone

I have had a good day. Spent all day drinking wine and unpacking boxes...did I mention that I moved again? ha ha...I might have missed that. Yay, I am moving on up baby!

Anyway, listened to music, drank wine...and just unpacked. I could not have done all that without some motivation.

I am good.

Love.

Inspite of all the danger...

 

Just watched this movie and got all emotional when this song came on...gosh! Tears man, real tears.

Friday evening...

I had such a nice experience today. I was going to meet a friend but I had some time to spare so I roamed a bit around, going into shops and just looking at stuff. Found something for my friend. I was quite pleased with that, so I moved on.

I passed by a church. Its very beautiful inside, I have been there several times before. I went in and sat down. All of a sudden the most beautiful music started playing and a woman starts singing... opera. I closed my eyes and drifted away. I pretended that it was just for me. Especially for me. Only me. Those minutes were heavenly. After a few minutes, I decided to find out who was playing the music. There was a guy at the organ, two violinists and the opera singer. That those four people could produce something so beautiful was quite fascinating. I am encouraged to listen a bit more to classical music on my own. I only listen when it comes on the radio normally. Most time it gets me stressed and makes me have all kinds of boiling emotions...lol.

My love life is still non existent. Come on now! Why is the universe fucking with me this way? huh?

The search continues...lol...fucking life...

Happy friday!

P.S:  My mum called me while I was in the church so I mentioned that I was in church. She did not say anything then but later this evening she called me and asked me in a very suspicious voice "why were you in church?" lol. I swear she would have believed me if I had said that I was there for seducing the priest...or doing something equally bad...like I am a devil or something. So I can't just walk into a church? Do I need a reason? I just walked in cos it was there. I did not have anything particular to do in there.

I just wanna...

How weird, the only thing in my head right now is how great it would be to get drunk and dance to modern talking....I want to be glitter drunk. Have a really cool shiny top and some metal lipstick and just go wild...I think I'll do that tomorrow alone in my room and pretend I am in some east European disco....

Rain...

It was raining. I got lost in myself.

I walked into the shop and bought a cup of coffee. The rain dripped off my hair and into my coffee. I sat on the train and watched houses pass me by.

I want to be home, under covers....I don't want to be brave anymore. I will never come out from under the covers. Everybody will beg me and I will never come out. I will stay under forever and ever and ever and ever...

I got off the train. I walked as fast as I could. I met a neighbour on the train.

He is going to Malaga next week for five days. Its 28 degrees there he says...

I want to go to fucking Malaga.

I Just Want To Make Love To You....

Sunday and dancing....

I think I would like to learn how to dance Salsa properly. Normally, I and my sisters just imitate what we see on TV and pretend we can dance but once you dance with somebody that can really dance then you realise you have been dancing nonsense all this while. Maybe I will sign up for a real course! That would be someting to do in the winter...

On my mind...

Woke up to see light streaming into my room...it was beautiful.

I have a migraine...

I have decided to go for a walk. I thought of many things yesterday evening.

I went for a dinner with my former neighbours. It was something to do, it was being social, being friendly.

I realised how much I miss my friends who are all over the world. Even if I move to one part of the world to be with one person, I can never be with all of them at the same time and that sucks.

I think I need to see my family. I want to feel like I am part of something.

Life in general, is going well. I almost can't believe it that things are going so well and all I have to do is hang on for a little bit, just some months more and I would have accomplised everything I set out to do when I turned 30. Just hang on, hang on, don't give up now that you are so near. I can do it.

I just don't have any chemistry with some people. Its like totally bland. Nothing. No matter how I search, I can't find any kind of feelings. Totally numb. Its crazy like that.

Men:  I know you are out there, you might be right around the corner and you'll be the man that I love...

Cool...

I have written three posts and deleted all today. I don't think I can really describe my feelings the way I want to, so until I figure out what the hell I really want to say, let me just be cool.

 

Happy Weekend guys!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doing stuff...

I am doing fine. Very fine. Writing, listening to music, reading, going for walks. Working at two places from next week so I will be very busy but I feel I can get through anything these days! I thrive best when I have stuff to do. Anyway, at this particular time, 4:14, this is the music I am listening to...

One to make you breathe...

I'll bring your lovers here,
Steal them from everywhere,
All lovers you might need.
One to make you sleep,
One to make you live,
And one to make you breathe...

Yeppppppp!

Have the flu. Nose blocked. Throat sore. Back fucked up.

But I am in a good place so looking forward to getting better and getting down to doing all my stuff.

Been getting to know (again) a long lost friend which is pretty cool. We found ourselves on facebook after ten years of no contact at all. And every time we meet we are like "oh yeah, that's why we liked each other", so apparently none of us have changed that much. We just got older.

Reading "the idiot" by Dostoevsky. I got tired of 19th century lit some years ago just because that's all I read for a while when I had one of my obsessive periods. Anyway, I am quite enjoying it again. Perhaps I just needed a long break from that period. Anyway, in my sick bed, that's been my companion and its a good one.

Have a good weekend. Love.

Sunday and chilling...

I watched a documentary yesterday about getting old...getting old is no joke, I tell you. Sooner or later, we are all gonna be there.

Its not too far away, basically, I have already lived half of my life. On this note, I am going to the gym.

Do things that make you happy.

Love.

Just thinking of words, beauty, lyrics, etc

The kind of writing I enjoy reading most are those words that just flow with beauty, like music. Like poetry. It doesn't have to have big philosophical ideas behind it and it does not have to be very entertaining. I just enjoy reading words that make the ideas behind it beautiful to read. Thats why I enjoy Paulo Coelho so much, not only because of his humanity but because of how he makes things that are hard to say become simple and beautiful at the same time. I used to read a lot of poetry when I was younger because I had a friend then who loved poetry, I still do but not as much as I should, I guess.

I like reading song lyrics too. I just randomly look for songs that I remember lines from and see if there are more beautiful lyrics in there. Here's today's song, "searching for a heart". Sung by Don Henley, written by  Warren Zevon.


Darkness in the morning
Shadows on the land
Certain individuals
Aren't sticking with the plan

And I'm searching for a heart
Searching everyone
They say love conquers all
You can't start it like a car
You can't stop it with a gun

Leaving in the evening
Traveling at night
Staying inconspicuous
I'm staying out of sight

And I'm searching for a heart
Searching everyone
They say love conquers all
You can't start it like a car
You can't stop it with a gun

They tell me love requires a little standing in line
And I've been waiting for you, lover, for a long, long time
I've been pacing the floor
I've been watching the door
Meanwhile I'll keep searching for a heart

Searching high and low for you
Trying to track you down
Certain individuals
Have finally come around

And I'm searching for a heart
Searching everyone
They say love conquers all
You can't start it like a car
You can't stop it with a gun

They tell me love requires a little standing in line
And I've been waiting for you, lover, for a long, long time
I've been pacing the floor I've been watching the door
Meanwhile I'll keep searching for a heart
Searching everyone
They say love conquers all
You can't start it like a car

I dont want to die without shaking up a thing or two...

7: 32.

And with that thought in my head, adios! Gat's to go, I have got stuff to do...

Love.

Beyond this...

Beyond this, beyond this.

You know, yesterday, this kid gave me a hug. The awkwardness of his hug made my heart ache. The innocence of his awkward hug left my own heart red and bare.

 All I wanted to do was protect him from the world, where it all happens.

His innocent love was too vulnerable, too much to bear.

A woman took my cardigan away and brought it back, the seams all mended.

This is beyond it all, I thought. This is where I always want to be. In this space, this time, this moment, when it is beyond everything.

But how do you live here and beyond here? All you become is crazy, a crazy diamond.

Well not really on this level...but you know, the adult version

Woke up this morning with the usual migraine...arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh...why, Lord, why? Anyway, took my drugs and hoped it will go away...

I have so much to do. Job and extra curriculum activities. Havent been to the gym in a while. I got a bit paranoid yesterday so I skipped dinner. But now I just checked my weight and I haven't gone up(Phew!) but I haven't reduced either!

I made some new friends which feels really good. A Brazilian woman and another lady from Lebanon. They made me promise to be in touch and not disappear...lol...everybody disappears in this city, men.

Things are okay,  lots of changes again but that's good if not life becomes fucking boring.

So I am kinda high a bit on life...now if only these damn migraines would go away...

Tuesday stuff...

Listening to reggae and feeling pretty mellow.

This is what you watch at 1:40 when you can't sleep...

I like Julio...yeah, I am not ashamed to say it! ha ha ha...I love watching his old concerts but today I found this one, its magical! Wonderful...

Habits...

 Yeah, I have returned all my books right on time! Yipppeeeeeeeeee, must be the first time in years I have done so. Its crazy. I have such a bad track record...I don't know why they keep letting me borrow books. I should be on some blacklist or something by now...

But hey...who cares? I'll be back there tomorrow.

I had quite a productive day. Work, then lunch, wrote a bit, listened to music, read. The day passed by really fast.  Next thing I know, I am back home. I am so thirsty these days...what's up with that? I wake up in the mornings  really really thirsty. I hate drinking water at night cos then you have to wake up to pee. Such a nuisance, so I just skip it, mostly.

Errrrrrrrrh, plus, seems my bad insomnia habits are creeping back in...I am up until three almost everyday which is not so good cos I am always tired at work. Fucking pain in the ass. Back to the gym, I guess...

Yeah, I am fine.

Energy...

I burnt the fucking past.

Did the hard work. Nobody's meditated, thought and analyzed life these past few years like I have done. I know exactly where I came from and I now know where I am going to be.

I am all healed.

Now can I go and get em?



 

My world at this moment...

The television is on. I am not watching it.

My room feels empty again now that kramer is gone.

Its 3:12.

I made a painting of the dark clouds and a black high way running through it. I tried to make it rain but then it looked like the asphalt melted in the rain. The effect was good, I think.

I am learning all this from my friend who is an art teacher and a couple of books that I have borrowed. I can't remember the novel now, but in it, someone said her mother had learned how to swim by herself from a book she had borrowed from the library. I have always been impressed by that. I don't think I am going to be a genius at it but I should be able to express myself at least. That's all I want to be able to do.

I am reading "The world according to Garp" which I got as a present from Kr. Jesus! That book just never ends does it?

and this, is what I am listening to:

Some kind of journey...

 I am always on a journey. Physically, mentally, spiritually.

It means a lot to me. I am happier when I am feeding my soul.

I am tired of human beings that never want to go deeper than the physical world. I don't want to be in shallow waters.

I am not ashamed of being this way. I want to be this way. Its the only way to be for me. Any other way and I don't feel free.

I want to always be free.

High.

I woke up from a dream humming. My neighbor told me sometimes he hears melodies in his dreams and he wishes he knew how to write music so he could write the notes down.

I woke up from a dream.

There are some feelings you will never be able to describe, not in words, not in music, maybe not even in dance. How would it look like? Jumping, skipping, hands flaring, spinning, jumping again...

Maybe I could paint it? Then it would be yellow and purple...and yellow, yellow, yellow.

Maybe just having a smile all day would do.

And no, I did not have sex and neither am I on anything...lol. I wish I was though.

I am just...

I don't know. It was just a nice dream.

Leave me alone joh...

Feeling a bit non nonchalant about things these days....All I want to do when I come home is to be able to sleep and not lie awake thinking about all the loose ends I have to tie up. Exhaustion is a good way to do this. Or alcohol.

Anyway, despite the fact that alcohol is a very tempting option, I am proud to say I have chosen the high way/road/whatever. I hit the gym pretty hard after work everyday. By the time I get home all I want to do is eat and sleep. I can hardly do anything else anyway. So far, so good.

I havent been listening to the radio much these days cos they just play the same shit over and over again. Anyway, instead I just browse the internet trying to find songs that I once heard but never got the time to check it out again. This one I heard some time ago at a friends place. I knew it was John Legend but I had no idea what the name of the song was. To find that out, I went on google and wrote "John Legend song+reggae vibe" and viola! saw immediately a review that mentions a song with a reggae vibe. Google is wonderful.

Do you not think so far ahead?

 

Update, I guess...

Nothing much. Mostly been following the Olympics. Have been ill since I came back from the country side. Have been indoors and on facebook ( by the way, what's the deal with people quoting themselves on facebook? I swear, they put up a few miserable lines and then put their own names after the quote! If you have made it up, why not just let it be on your status update like normal? Why the need to put it in quotes and then your name after it as if its some bad-ass quotation that the whole world is gonna want to have? Its the stupidest shit I have ever seen...ego tripping ....) for 4 days now. But today I 'll try and resume normal activities of life, I don't want to waste the beautiful sunny days of August.

A bit inspired, not much, but its coming. I need to sort out my head before September. I cant have these thoughts swimming in my head. Time to get rid of them.

Been thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking...

I swear, I hate thinking. I wish I could stop thinking.

Otherwise, I am okay. Nothing noteworthy.  Been chatting a bit with an old friend. We are sometimes in touch quite intensely and then at other times we just disappear from each others lives. This is one of the intense periods, when I want to chat and talk with him ALL the time.

Meanwhile, anybody reading anything? Haven't bought anything recently so I am kinda dry...anyway, please suggest stuff.

Love to the crazy world. I have no idea what the hell I am doing here but yeah, gats to keep pushing, right?

Waffy.

Country side...

I am in the country side. I am supposed to be writing or rather I thought I would be able to do some writing...

Sigh....

I have been totally uninspired. I watch the olympics at nights. Swimming is my favourite sport to watch. I am not sure what I'll watch when that is over....

The weather has been a drag...

Anyway, hope you are all doing okay and life is treating you well.

Love.

34!

I just came from facebook, yet another childhood friend just married his heavily pregnant girlfriend. Last week, two of my good friends announced the births of their sons.The week before, another friend had a baby, etc etc. And just two months ago I attended the wedding of one of my closest friends.Needless to say, I am the last woman standing.What will become of me? 

Those were my thoughts when I started this post. I was going to write about how terribly insecure I was feeling. But then, I decided to meditate just before the clock struck twelve. I have always wanted to do that on my birthday. I sat down to meditate and for the first few seconds, an inventory of my worldly goods flashed before me. My small kitchen table and two chairs, microwave, coffee maker, tv, dvd player, small radio (with broken antenna) cupboard, bed, bookshelves and books...only those are maybe worth something. Everything else, I can throw away. Two old carpets. Clothes...etc.

I started laughing. Then I cried for a second, then laughter again. How pathetic I am! I thought. But then suddenly, a big smile came on my face. And I did what my father would have wanted me to do and always did for us. I prayed for myself. (I don't do religion because that is such a complex issue for me but I was comfortable to use God in my prayer, so there it is).

Thank you God for everything.
I know I am a hopeless case.
I don't have to tell you too much.
You know my doubts, my fears, my nonsense.
You know very well my thoughts, all my stuff.
But I am not blind and I don't have cancer.
My life is pretty okay.
Today I walked alone in the forest
There was the sea, and the trees and brown earth beneath my feet,
There were all these things and I felt quite happy to be able to see and do these things.
I am alone and sometimes I feel lonely but I am so grateful that I am free.
I am free, I am free, I am free.

And to round off my prayers.... 





You can read about my thoughts on turning 30, 31, 32, and 33. How time flies on this blog. Fuck!

In the groove...

Sun is shining.

Back on track?

Okay, so I do try from time to time to break out of my usual. Meet new people, socialize more, etc etc, try and make new friends, you know. My mum would say that is progress.

But...

Why should I do all these things when nothing ever comes out of it except me getting disappointed with humanity?

I have never come out of these adventures feeling refreshed, rejuvenated  with hope for the world. More often than not, it is "damn, human beings suck!". So I usually just go back to my old life style which is not so bad. I have really good friends and family that loves me. I have my clan, so to speak. People that I know actually love me. Not people that I am not even sure if they "like" me or not. I feel better when I am doing my own things, just living my life as it is day to day, doing the things I am supposed to do and trying fucking hard to be a good person. Surely, that must be enough? Why do I keep going out there????

I am happier in my misery than in the misery of the world.

The truth is, I don't want to hide but more often than not, I can't help it. These sudden bursts of extrovert-ism often leave me exhausted and crawling back into my cocoon. 

Combing hair...

Its kind of therapeutic, combing hair. Well, at least since it takes me a long time with the same motions....

My window is open. I wish I had wine. Maybe I should just make some tea...

Yesterday was quite interesting. From high to low, to high again. Like a roller coaster.

Its 12:23 but I will go for a walk anyway...

Strange...

 No matter how clear things seems to be for me, (perhaps I should say "in my head"), when it goes out there in the world, among other humans, it just looks weird, strange...my thoughts somehow get configured on the way to its destination and on arriving, everything is just fucking strange.

Too honest? Too honest for this world?

Better to keep quiet and go with the fucking flow?

 If I am strange so be it. I am tired of apologising for the good stuff.

Ah, I laugh at life.

Its not that serious anyway. Yeah, yeah, I am strange. Whatever.

Near and far...

Near, near, near and then you are so far away again...

I woke up this morning and realised how far you were from me.

Something is in between us, an ocean, a wall, a dining table, what the fuck.

Waiting for a cup of coffee did not seem right.

Yeah, I bailed.

Part of something...

Why on earth would they play "who run the world? GIRLS!" at 2:21 on radio at night? Who wants to listen to that crap?  Its the worst song ever written.

I was gonna write some of my thoughts, the usual you know, about life.

But this song just threw me off.

I think I just wanted to say how great it was to feel loved and appreciated by all the wonderful people I met today.

It was fun just being my usual goofy self with people who have the same kind of humour. Of course, it helped that we were all wasted.

I don't know, I just felt really good. Like they really liked me, you know.

All of a sudden I felt like I was part of something, part of whatever it was that we were sharing at that moment.

And it felt great.

Fellow Naija bloggers,

As you all know, I have been blogging for quite a well and during this time I have come to know all kinds of people through blogging. Some have been fun to know, others not so fun and quite a few have been amazing. One of these amazing people is Akin who perhaps has one of the oldest blogs on the Naija circut(by the way, I can't for the love of God understand why his blog, even after all these years has never been nominated even once for a Nigerian Blog award, totally crazy, men, and by the way I nominate him every year).

Akin's blog is one of those few blogs that you can see just how crazy life can be. There are no rules in life. Anything can happen and one can't even say "why"? cos before you have even come to terms with your new lot in life, life just continues leaving you far behind, still wondering what the hell happened.

I read his blogs when he was successful, doing great, traveling, living life.

I read his blogs when he got sick, alone, in a foreign hospital and with nobody around him.

Reading his blogs, I wondered how he would get through with his cancer treatment, all alone in an apartment. I was struck by his courage and pride in going through what I imagine the toughest time of his life alone and with such dignity too.

Things never really got back to how they used to be before his illness. He has lost everything he has worked so hard for.

But life is not done yet it seems. I just read Akin's blog and he is going to be homeless pretty soon.

I don't know if any of you can do anything but maybe there is somebody out there who can, one never knows. I can at least put this out there and hope that there are still amazing people in blogville. Please read his blog and see how you can help.

Thank you.

Love,
Waffy.

and the year was 1988...

 I remember when every woman I knew used to sing this song...ha ha ha...Damn, it was like an anthem.

Woke up this morning and just started humming it for no reason at all...

Cool...

Cool day.

Spent most of my morning at the hospital. Eye stuff.

Hospitals always reminds me of just how fragile we all are. You see old people, kids, all kinds of people that surely do not deserve to be there and you wonder why I should think I should be so special in life.

Why me?

Why not me?

I feel quite lucky. But why does it take a hospital trip to remind me of that?

I am living in a country where they actually do check up on me when I miss my check ups. Somebody actually takes the time to call me. Giving the level of anxiety I get whenever I have to go to the hospital, I am always grateful to the nurses over there. You can not imagine how kind they all are to me. If they had to hold my hand, they actually will. I am such a big baby with this eye business. You can't imagine. Its very embarrassing...

And the doctor, who despite all my resistance, still makes the decisions he needs to make.

I could not really ask for more at this moment. I am very lucky.

Another eye operation scheduled for August. Not looking forward to it, but hey, at least I am not gonna need a cornea transplant...so lets celebrate.

Come on now, be proud...

I was feeling a bit sorry for myself yesterday. Although I really have nothing to be sad about. I am okay, I am doing fine. Life is cool.

I am doing the things I want to do so I can't really complain about anything.

A bit lonely, but then again, its always there, somewhere, on some level so that cant be the problem...I have lived with it for so long that its  become a  part of me, part of who I am. I am always "a bit lonely".

I tried to write but nothing would come. What is really disturbing me? I just know that I feel like crying but I still haven't cried. The problem is, I am not sure why I want to cry. A friend of mine called me yesterday and the first thing he asked when I answered the phone was "what's wrong?". I told him there was nothing wrong cos I am not sure myself, what the matter is.

At night, I could not sleep, so I watched comedy stand ups on youtube.

Now, its a new day. I have to get out of this somehow, listen to music, write, do something productive. Feel strong again...

Yeah, yeah...

From the open window I could hear the glad chants of the Spanish fans. On TV was a film.

In my heart was nothing.

I do not need this to be happy.

Tomorrow I will wake up and life will go on.

They must come true...

All these dreams...

Somewhere in central Europe...

My friend was dancing, she looked at me and in that moment, everything seemed to be one. The past and the present. Its been ten years since we danced with careless abandon together, ten years...yet, it was still her and I was still me...

We had always had an easy communication...our friendship came to us naturally. The fact that we were totally wasted and had no idea where our ride was did not bother us. There was really nothing much we could do about the situation.

"This guy is really good" she says

"He is fuckable" I say and she looks at me in mock disgust...

If I tell you that it was about five in the morning, you might not believe me...

We don't talk too often about the past. The mistakes. The regrets. The loss.

We know what we did. We know what we lost. We know very well....

But the people around us don't know...about those times, those nights...they don' know that on some days we had nobody but ourselves...they don't know that we had...what we have...

And so after all these years,  for whom, do we need to prove our friendship? Surely, not for ourselves. We have always known who we are...

Yet sometimes,...we find ourselves dodging others to be alone...making up excuses...we used to do that when we were 24...not wanting to hurt others...not wanting others to think we only preferred  our own company...

But we are 34 now...why we are still making up excuses to be together is beyond me......but she is nice and I am nice and we don't want to hurt people...so we make up silly excuses...so we can sneak away and enjoy ourselves...

"We still have it in us!" she says, her eyes shining, "we stayed up all night dancing!"

"Yeah...but I seriously need to pee".

What a woman!

Books always make me calm. He said he would be late. I looked at the shelves...past the usual serious fiction I would go for...nothing interests me these days. Everybody has the same melancholy thoughts. All these writers always thinking so much. I walked down to the "chick lit" section. Nothing there either. My old friend "crime" beckoned to me...Perhaps it was time to rekindle my teenage relationship? 

But he was going to be late...ten minutes, he said. I spent some time chatting with the book people, getting recommendations and asking about new books. They seemed keen on chatting. It was a slow day. I bought a cup of coffee and tried to look cool. How did I look? I had my "Diana Ross" hair. A hairstyle I was getting more comfortable in these days even if it meant more people looking at me.Suddenly, he was across the room, smiling in dark shades. Lord. 

I smiled back at him. I could not read his face. Was not sure if he was as nervous as I was.

"I hope you are not in a rush cos I intend to finish my coffee. I had to buy a book because of you" I said. 

"I'm really sorry I'm late. You can send me the bill for the book" he said. 

The conversation flowed easily from there. I am good with conversations and being "easy breezy" as Tina says. I know how to not talk about anything. 

I felt like a teenager. My friends had laughed when I said I was going to the movies with him. Seems adults dating was all about wine and chatting in restaurants and bars.

When he held my hand, I smiled. When last did anybody do that? Reach for my hand in the movies? It all felt surreal. I was already thinking of how I would describe the scenario..."suddenly I felt the warmth of his hand on mine. I looked at him and he just seemed so happy so I held his hand tight"...but what the hell was I doing? shouldn't  I be living in the moment? Just enjoying this feeling?

Then at dinner, he reached across the table to remove some strands of hair from my face.

"You know when I saw you sitting there, from across the room, with your hair, and your smile and everything, I thought to myself "wow! what a woman!"

...Maybe it was the movie, or the hand holding or the dinner afterwards...but I was feeling not like myself. Not like I was a woman...

I was feeling something else. Like the whole world had stopped and all I could see was him...

"Really?"

"Yeah...what a woman!"

Well...

What to say? Nothing much. Waiting for summer. Listening to music, reading, doing stuff. I am just living men, and I have nothing spectacular worth writing about. I might be losing my ability to write random stuff on my blog. Say it isn't so!

Dedicated to...

MYSELF.

It is beautiful, isn't it?

4:55 am and awake...

I have not slept a wink all night...I really tried my best. I kept waking up every hour or so. I am a bit nervous perhaps. I am going to be spending some weeks in another town doing observation stuff. Anyway, it will be alright.

I was at the gym yesterday after a long absence. It was sweat, tears and blood, men. I could not do most of the exercises that I used to be so good at. But I am glad that I finally made my way back there. I love going there. I love sitting in the sauna afterwards. I even like the bus journey home, when I just sitting there, starring into space, proud of myself.

I am going to try really hard to go to the gym everyday. At least, until summer anyway.

Heard this on radio and really liked it. Its been ages since I liked an r'n'b song but this ain't bad at all.

Friday?

Yesterday I fell asleep with all my clothes on.

This week has gone by so fast.

This song always makes me feel good and need some energy to get through this morning.

Shower, breakfast and out.

I will spoil myself with some wine or something this evening. I totally deserve it.

I also need to find a new novel for the weekend. Any suggestions?

Can't get enough....

It must be the sun.

It must be the vitamin C.

It must be.

What can it be?

I am in such good spirits!

I swear I love everything and everybody these days...

I am incredibly busy. That must be it. I am too busy to dwell on my usual existentialist thoughts. Farmers must really be enjoying life. An idle hand is the devil's workshop! ha ha ha ha...from now on I will always be super busy from morning till night.

Gats to go.

Love to all.

Sunday...

I am in great spirits!

Hope you are all good. I have got to get breakfast, men.

I had such a good day yesterday. A wonderful day.

Saturday...

I love it, love it, love it.

I have a book to read, and so much writing to do but its okay. Life is not bad at all.

Okay, time for a walk and coffee. Yipeeeeeeeeee! Isn't that just plain luxury huh?

What else can one want in life?

Help Me Make It Through The Night....

Chasing the sun...

Anybody else feeling summer around the corner?

Time to find new songs...if anybody has some tips, feel free to share. Anything light, coconutty, breezy, etc.

Yesterday I chased the sun.


It was a beautiful day. My stockings kept creeping down my legs. I was forced to buy a new one in a shop, then I went to a fancy shopping mall and changed in the toilet. I pretended I was a spy. I almost wished I had a wig.

Then I bought a hotdog and sat in a park and read until the sun went down.

When I got home I was so exhausted. All day all I did was try to find spots that were sunny. It was no easy feat. Every time I crossed to one part of the street, the sun went to another.

Its weird how the first summers without him I felt strange being on my own, doing my things...and now...I look forward to doing my usual things. There is no longer a cloud of melancholy over my bicycle rides, my swimming, my long walks, my dozing on the grass...now I just think of how lucky I am to be able to do all the things I love doing.

I don't even know anymore when I am alone or not...I am my own company. I catch myself laughing at my own jokes and smiling when I am sitting on the bus or train.

I can't describe it but the best I can say is I don't feel "lonely". I am alone but not lonely.

In fact, when people come around, they disturb my groove...ha ha ha...I just want them to go away so I can get back to my own thing.

Which reminds me, I was gonna get a drink before the nearby restaurant closes. Perhaps its already closed.

I wondered if I'd ever heal again...

I miss Nigeria...

I miss the smell

I miss the earth

I miss the smell of rain on the earth

I miss my father

I miss Nigeria.

Pigs...

I was sitting quietly by myself reading my book when three foreign students come in. One sits beside me, the Chinese guy. The other two take the two seats in front of me. A french guy and a Japanese guy(with an American accent, I guess he must have studied there cos his English was not great but he had a distinct American accent).

Anyway, from the moment they entered, the whole bus began to stink of alcohol. They entered and then greeted another guy who was sitting with his girlfriend. Made small chat with him and then proceeded to take their places in my zone.

Basically this was the level of conversation for most of the journey...

"You know what we should do? We should go and drink and play pool"

"Yes, definitely" (the Chinese guy always agreed with every suggestion with "yes definitely" or "Of course")

"You know? we should go fishing" (suggestion from French guy with terrible accent)

"Yes definitely!"

"We should play chess...yesterday was so much fun...I had a huge glass of whiskey and big joint and he (referring to Chinese guy) had liters of beer and we were just playing Chess"

"Yes, we should play chess"

"Do you play Badminton?" (Japanese guy to Chinese guy)

"Yes, we should play Badminton!"

Anyway, basically this was the level and then...

"Those English girls last night were big bitches" (French guy)

"Yes, they were bitches"

Of course, now I am listening...

Then they proceed to have a stupid conversation about how they had been out the night before with some girls and why exactly were they bitches? cos none of them got laid!

"Really big bitches..."

But this is not why there are pigs, all of a sudden, the conversation changes to the guy and his girlfriend they had greeted when they first walked in...

"He is such a nice guy, the girlfriend is French...you know so easy going" (French guy)
"Yeah, he looks easy going" (Japanese guy)

"Really great guy to hang around with, you know down for whatever, very nice...just goes with the flow, like whatever"

"Yeah...cool"

"So should I send her the message now?"

"But wait...what exactly is your objective?" (I swear he used this word "objective"...lol...if English is not your mother tongue, stuff like this always gives you away...)

"My objective? the objective is to fuck her"

"So, you just want to fuck, right? not like you like her or..."

"No, no, just you know, just to fuck...nothing else..."

"Don't send her the text now, you know the boyfriend is right there so she will not answer...wait when she is alone"

"Yeah, yeah, you are right..."

At this point, I am seeing that they are looking at the other guy and his girlfriend but I seriously don't want to believe that they are talking about the same people because that will just destroy all my hope for humanity...

But then...the guy who is with his girlfriend, gets off at one of the stops, says goodbye to his girlfriend and greets these three idiots on his way out...


"Yeah"
"Alright, man!"
"See you later!"

(Laughter all around...)

Now the girl is sitting alone.

"Okay, now I will go and sit and chat with her" (french guy)

"Yeah, yeah" (all round encouragement)

I am still hoping somewhere inside that its not that girl...please let it be someone else...

The french guy goes straight to the vacated boyfriend's seat...and I mean, the seat must have still been warm from the boyfriend...

I don't know if I have ever been more disgusted in my entire life.

I gave them the longest "hiss" possible in the history of mankind and "eyed" them as disgustingly as I could as I got off the bus. I did not want to do more cos since they are on my route, chances are I will run into them often and these are the kind of guys that will just insult you from head to toe without blinking...before next time they see me, it will be "see that big bitch" "yes, the big bitch"

Men are pigs.

If you're tired just sleep it off...

Yep.

Baff, (shower) eat and sleep. Motto for today.

Happy Weekend!

Thinking positive.

Sending love to all.

Going to send a package, then for a walk and then library. Shit, I better get on the move, it closes early today and I need some books. I am on the line for a book that is never gonna be returned it seems...greedy people.

Yesterday I ate beans and garri! You won't believe the childhood memories that sprung up as I ate.

I liked beans and yam. It was great. Beans, yam and meat all mixed up like porridge. Really heavy but quite satisfying.

Maybe I should buy some hot pepper today and make stew?

Yeah, I 'll do that.

Relax...

Need to eat.

Need to write.

Need to answer mails.

Need to send packages.

Headache.

Need to go shopping.

Need to exercise.

Need...

But I am just gonna relax men...gonna go find something to eat.

Just another stranger...

What if, I say to him right now, "what's your name?", just like that. Out of no where. This passenger sitting next to him just asks him his name. What would he say? Will he be surprised. Will he ask, "why?".

I will tell him it's an experiment. I just want to see if he would naturally just answer, without thinking it was strange.

He would be familiar in my company and just answer.

And then we would chat like old friends.

Maybe share a couple of laughs.

Maybe we will talk all the way and not even notice the streets or the snow or the gravel or the driver's blasting Arab music. Maybe we will have such a good time that we would both tumble out of the bus in laughter, barely breathing, like this was the funniest journey ever.

"Sorry....excuse me" I said.

He looked startled. Like he could not believe I was getting off.

I looked back to see if he would look back as well. He didn't. He was once again in his world of music, like he had been the whole journey, the wires from his ear phones trailing down his neck.

He did not know of this wonderful journey we just had together. He did not know of the laughter, the joy.

He did not give a fuck.

Busy Bee...

I have been quite busy lately. Which just means one thing for my blog: DRY.

Yep, I have nothing but dryness to report which is a good thing I think since that just means there is no drama to report.

Everybody around me is busy as well so I predict this blog will go through a spell of dryness for some time.

A friend of mine recommended Nawal El Saawdawi's Zina: The stolen novel so just started that. It seems to be promising. I'll read a bit more before I go to bed tonight.

Also reading The monk who sold his Ferrari but just started that as well...so we'll see. Sometimes I read two or more books at a time cos they are needed for different situations. One for public transportation ie in my everyday bag and the other by my bedside and sometimes one for back up just in case I get bored I can have an alternative....sometimes for no reason at all, just because they are there and I am curious.

Met a very unusual person who is quite quiet but if you speak to him then he says all sorts of interesting stuff. However, if you don't ask him anything he just stays mute and almost goes unobserved.

Cone head.

I did what I always did when I got scared. Pretended that I was part of a documentary movie and somebody was right there with me, watching every cowardly move I might take. Other people know Jesus is with them and say his name over and over again but what do I do? I pretend I am in a movie and very soon I will be at the bus stop and then I don't have to pretend anymore.

I don't know why I had left earlier than usual, I knew I would have to wait for ten minutes but I did not want to be late and miss the bus. The earlier the better. I went into the metro station. It was dead. The ticket collector(or operator or whatever her official title is) was trying to get the automatic doors to close. They were open all the time now, perhaps made useless by the freezing temperatures. I did not blame her for trying even though I could see it was a hopeless case. The wind was biting and being totally evil. I could hardly feel my cheeks or lips or nose. I could feel the hairs in my nose freeze...four more minutes.

A train arrived. People came rushing out, running to the bus stop. Dumb asses, you have four minutes. Whats the hurry? To stand there and feel your nose hair freeze?

One minute left.

I walked back to the bus stop. The people there looked like they all hated each other. Good. I hate you all too, I felt like saying. You hate me, I hate you.

The bus crawled in. I said hi to the driver, as usual, nobody else had said any form of greeting. No wonder I hated them, impolite human beings.

A man looked up at me alarmingly when I entered and started smiling. Nothing funny here, stranger. Mind your own cold business.

The ride.

Jogged to my building. Got in the lift. Looked at myself in the mirror. What a fucking mess! Whatever I had on my head looked like a huge white cone. Jesus. No wonder that man had looked at me with alarm. He was right to smile. I looked like somebody that had just stepped off a space ship.

I wish I had a...

A higher calling...

Education.

Africa is doomed without it.

On my mind...

Insomnia.

Love.

Freedom.

Heartbreak.

Clouds.

Silk

Silk Clouds?

Writing.

Dark Chocolate.

Snow

Washing powder.

Sleeping pill?

Sleeping pill.

Good night.

Sunday night....

Back on track...

I am keeping it simple people.

I will only do the best I can do every single moment of my life and not put so much pressure on myself.

I don't why I do this. Lord knows I am seriously trying to be "light" in life but I am the way I am. I don't know why stuff affects me so deeply.

But I need to be "lighter". My friend Tina says I can start by letting my hair loose once in a while and not always have it in a tight bun.

So that's a starting point.

Just cos...

This song always makes me smile...I guess I must somehow force myself out of this cocoon of existential thoughts I seem to be trapped in.

I need to let it all go and just...I don't know...live with it.

So...this weekend I will just try to keep it light and not bother too much about the misery in life.

Let me go look for happy songs...Jesus.

Why should I be the one?

Why should I be the one to help others? huh?

Is there fucking "Maria Theresa" written on my forehead?

Why should I always be the one that has a fucking moral obligation. Huh?

Why? Why should I be the one that reacts when I see something bad? Someone in trouble?

Why should I be the one? After all, how many help me? How many people have helped me when I was in fucking shit?

Nobody. There was nobody.

And what exactly do I get for my troubles? Do I get a "thank you?" No. Do I get flowers? No. A card maybe? Huh? Nothing.

Instead, the person you are trying to help makes you feel like an idiot. Makes you feel like you should never have bothered cos all it does is cause more shit in your life. So why should I be the one?

Why?

If there is anybody out there that has an answer, please tell me cos I feel so fucking demoralized right now. What kind of world is this where you get punished because you want to do the right thing? because you believe in doing the right thing? Because you know that the truth is all we have and removing it will never make anything right again.

Tell me. Please. Because at this very second, if I see another human being in trouble, I am ready to look away, just like everybody else.

Note to self...

Just stuff on my mind...

Once in a while I get a bit worried about stuff. I try not to be but it feels like there is just so much I still need to fix in my life. Okay, I have worked very hard the past three years to tie up all the loose ends but sometimes it feels like its taking forever...

I know after this year, things are pretty much going to be very stable but still, I have to mentally push my self everyday to be strong and sometimes it feels like if I even stop for a moment, I won't be able to keep going so I try not to think too much and just concentrate on all the things I need to do.

Its really hard not having any "buffer" or whatever. Its like there is no room for failure. I don't have any more alternative plans. This is it men, everything needs to work or else I am pretty much screwed.

Do you know how hard it is to have that kind of pressure on the mind?

But what to do, I just have to keep going. I stop to even think a bit and it will all fall apart.

Life.

5:06 am and ...

Listening to this...



Nothing much.

Cider.

Finished reading "Freedom" by Jonathan Franzen. It was weird reading that book cos its just about ordinary boring mundane human relations. Nothing too dramatic or spectacular and yet I was so absorbed in it. I don't know what it was that got me sucked in...definitely not the drama...perhaps just the fact that he can really describe those fucking useless seconds of life that most are too lazy or impatient to do. Damn, that man must be a patient human being. Even I, who love all that emotion shit would have been willing to skip some stuff. I don't know how he did it but it is strange to be reading with excitement something that is boring.

Editing...

has to be the most boring thing on earth...

I am sick of it.

Going out for a walk.

Just another "classic" male ego...

Okay, I am really not at all a "snotty" kind of person. I hardly talk about myself (apart from on my blog of course and my diary)to others except I am asked. If not, I don't naturally just talk about myself. Anyway, so this guy comes over yesterday and we are having a good time, drinking wine and just chatting, he asks me if he can smoke. I say "sure, no problem". He takes out his cigarette, takes a drag, and all of a sudden, turns to me and says...

"You think you are better than everyone else"

"Huh?"

"You think you are better than everyone else, you have your nose all up in the air with your books"

"Huh?"

"What? You think you are better than me cos you have books and a bookshelf?"

(Mind you, my books have been in boxes for years and I only got a bookshelf recently from my neighbor and that was the first time he was seeing my books or bookshelf. Of course, it is noticeable cos it was not there before, but other than that, its not a fucking big deal. Anyway, no need to explain further. Everybody has bookshelves, its not anything spectacular).

When he said that last sentence of course, I began to smile cos it was amusing. Was he being intimidated by books? Jesus have mercy! Cos I mean, its not me he is intimidated by cos until he saw those books, he never thought I was stuck up or anything. In fact, he always said I was such a down to earth person, now all of a sudden, I am stuck up?

I looked at the books and wondered which of them had got to him? Anyway, so in my mind, I am thoroughly amused to see him all worked up in such a way...

So there he is, smoking and looking at me to see if he can get a reaction from me.

I did not really feel like saying anything so I just kept starring at the books, wondering how pieces of paper can bring forth such a strong reaction...

Anyway, after a while, he comes and sits next to me and says...

"Is it not true? You think you are better than me?"

"Its not true"

"But you think you are better than me? That's the truth"

"Its your opinion, its not the truth. That something is an opinion does not make it true"

After a while, I see his shoulders relax and then he kisses me on the cheek and says

"I was just joking, you are such a nice person. You are the nicest person I have ever met, it was just a joke"

WHAT THE FUCK, MEN?

What kind of useless humour is that? I think he was really serious cos in some fucked up way he wanted to hurt me but since the only reaction he got was amusement, he decided to play it off as a "joke".

Yeah right. What kind of low esteemed man gets intimidated by a bookshelf?

That's fucked up, men.

They are just books.

Meanwhile: Am I really gonna start off 2012 with some man telling me who I am? Really? Is that really the way my relationship with men is gonna be this year? Cos if that is the case, then this year is gonna be another hopeless year. But hey, it just the beginning...lol...Lord have mercy.

and meanwhile, he wasn't all that either...if you get my drift:

2012!

Hell yeah! Lets see...progress report.

State of mind: Best it has been in years!

My brother, reacting to my new state of mind said to my mum "ah! that's Waffy. She is always happy every New Year and then depressed the rest of the year"

Ha! A big HA!

I am the new, improved Waffarian.

Just wait till he sees my smile, as Alicia Keys would say.

Men: Bite me!

Work: Good potential

Money: Good potential

Traveling: Even better potential

Seems my year is full of potential.

Love and peace.

Life is gonna be good this year. I can smell it in the air.



Yeah, I know this song has been on my blog a couple of times already. What can I say? I just like it.