The last shit of the year.

A stupid internet site has just taken all my money in my account because in my haste many months ago, I never looked through the conditions of what I signed on for.

Now I see they have an "automatic payment" system which I thought only I could authorise with my bank but I guess I was too stupid to understand that they could take it from the card I used.

That, hopefully, is the last shit from 2010 for me. I have written mails, I have called my bank, it had been reserved six months ago on my card so its gone already. C'est la vie.

This year was shit and it ended shitty.

2011 can't be worse than 2010. If I survived this year, then I can survive any year.

I am super woman.

and still liking...

(Patrice&2008)

I like 2011!!!

I like me in 2011 already...I am already looking good...he he he he...

Merry Christmas my dears!

Lots of love.

On a Sunday...

I was at the hospital yesterday. Finally, I got some strong anti biotics and something else for my chronic sinus inflammation. Just getting myself there was so tough. I was totally disorientated and I had no idea where I was but the kind nurse was really patient and understood that I was really ill which unfortunately, some others could not understand. I was in tears by the time I got there cos I was so very tired. According to the doctor, this extreme fatigue I have been experiencing is because of a strong infection and because my whole system is totally fucked up. He assured me that I will be better in a week or so. I am counting.

This whole christmas season is going past me cos I have not really had energy for anything and I still do not. All I want to do is sleep and get better. I guess the partying will be saved for the new year instead.

I saw all kinds people yesterday, everywhere. An addict, walking back and forth with sores and blisters on his mouth, looking confused. A man with the most amazing mustache staring lovingly at his pregnant wife who was in hijab. A French couple who both looked pinched. Another couple who laughed all the way on the bus....

Now I am tired again. Later.

Going to bed...

My life...

Ooops...

I have been in darkness since I moved in because I took out the lamp that hung and wanted to hang mine. It did not work. Tina said it was because the bulbs had gone out so I bought new ones and still it did not work. Then I decided to try different ways to hang it, well, obviously I have been plugging it in the wrong "holes"...whatever. Its not as complicated as it sounds, its just that I don't know these things.But now its working anyhow so its all good.

I found my old wallet. Its been gone for two years...I found all my library cards....which is such a relief. I already got a new one for one of the libraries that I use often, but never got around to making new cards for the others. There was no money in it though. Disappointing...

I found a luxurious bar of soap though in an old travelling bag. Quite useful.

I am slowly unpacking but its taking time.

I need bookshelves.

But I am averagely okay.

In new place...

This post is a little bit "scattered", but I can't really be bothered to get my thoughts in order...


I haven't really been able to properly think about anything because I am having such a tough time recovering. I think its because I have not rested properly. Anyway, somehow, I don't know how, but I managed to get through moving day yesterday. Carrying boxes and all, but to say the truth, I had two really strong friends that did most of the heavy work. Without them, it would have taken me the whole day. It took us, just three of us, 4 hours.

Then I was left alone with boxes in an empty apartment. It felt like when your parents drop you off at boarding house. They help you pack, make sure everything is okay, you have everything, nothing is left behind, and then all of a sudden you are alone.

Feels like it happened without warning even though you have been going through the motions packing.

But it was not that bad. I ate at Tinas place yesterday and her son had set the table for me, and was really concerned that I ate, which made me want to cry.

And Tina was here and made the place a bit more homely with just a few tricks. Carpets and television. And then she was off, like Mary Poppins.

This gave me strength to do a few things. Like fixing the internet and insurance and booking laundry time.

My brother called me yesterday just before I was about to sleep and that made me feel not so alone.

I woke up this morning and lifted boxes here and there, just to make some room for my legs.

I feel a bit vulnerable but I have to think of the advantages of this new place...

Oh by the way, heard an interesting comment from Mario( noble prize winner) on the little round table discussion with all the Nobel prize winners (I have to say it was not at all as interesting as it should be. Not impressed. I don't know what I was expecting but the other years have been more interesting than this, just Mario was impressive). Anyway, so, the moderator made an interesting observation, that most of the Nobel prize winners are people who have lived in different countries, ie, have lived a couple of years here and there, etc, he asked if they thought it was because they moved to those countries that they had become successful.

And Mario said, no, it was only because those kind of people that move around a lot are naturally curious, can adapt easily and are willing to continue to learn new things which is probably why most of the panel are Nobel prize winners, because of their nature and not because of the countries they have lived in.

Anyway, internet is working, even though I am not sure I have clicked the right boxes. That will be solved over the phone. Same for insurance. Any problems will be solved over phone. For now, things are working so I am happy.

Now I have to get something to eat.

I think it will be good here, as soon as I get myself to IKEA...

In this apartment...

I am surrounded by boxes. I am moving.

I have fought so many battles in here, with myself.

Oh how I have cried here! and regretted moments, days, years, I was unconsolable. I was so sad...

But how I have danced here! Free and with arms and feet, I have danced and danced...I was unstoppable. I was so happy...

For sure, I have been lonely. Very lonely. Sometimes I could not sleep. I would be awake, hoping someone would call me. Nobody ever did.

But this is also where I learnt to love my own company. I found a friend in me and many times I was awake, having the best of times and hoping nobody would call.

Oh, but wasn't this also where I had some sort of mental block? and couldn't write for months?

Oh yes, but this was also where I began to paint, and sing, and draw, and do things I had never done before.

But did I not used to drink at nights here, just to be able to close my eyelids?

But I began meditating here too, morning and nights, and I did close my eyelids.

But did I not lose love again here? Remember the man that you thought was just like you?

What love? Isn't this the same place I laughed out loud at the stupidity of it all? Oh how I laughed at them all...

How I have grown in this apartment!

But the greatest gift this apartment gave me, was my favourite inspiration.

This is the best gift I got. I found inspiration again, to just be me.

But as my friend Tina said, "Its time now, Waffy. Its played its part".

And its true. This apartment has played its part. Now its time to move on.

Closer to the city, closer to friends, closer to life.

I am grateful for having been in this place and the people I have met here.

Life calls. Adios.



Just cos this is on the radio now...

Arrogant asshole...

The last time I saw him, he said he was not looking forward to Thanksgiving. He did not have many American friends here and would probably have to watch the football game alone. That is why I thought it would be a good idea to wish him a happy Thanksgiving on that day. I wrote "Happy Thanksgiving, hope you enjoy the football". I did not think much of it, so when I did not get a reply, I wasn't bothered either. I hardly knew him to be bothered about not receiving a reply.Perhaps I had sent it to the wrong person....

I was about to leave when I saw him today. I began a sentence "I sent you a text to say..." he cut me off. He did not look at me as he swaggered down the corridor, all I could see was his back and his jeans hanging a bit too loose from his waist like a teenager, as he said, "Yes, I appreciated that, I had a lot of texts on that day" and then he turned left and disappeared.

What I was going to say, before he cut me off, was "I sent you a text to say Happy Thanksgiving but I probably sent it to the wrong person". Why did he not let me finish my sentence? Why did he not face me while he was talking to me? Eye contact would have been nice but perhaps that would be asking for too much. At least, he could have turned to look at me while he was talking, or is that also too much to ask for?"

I continued with my "winter business" without acknowleding what had happened. I stuffed the legs of my jeans into my winter boots. I wore my gloves and my jacket. I said goodbye to all and began the walk down to the bus stop. I walked the same way I had seen him walk, with a non chalant swagger and my shoulders straighter than usual. My hands were in my pocket and I had a smile plastered on my face. It would not surprise me if anybody who watched me from behind would assume that I was whistling as well. That was the image I wanted to give. Care free and nonchalant, just in case he happened to be watching from the window.

It wasn't until I sat down on the bus that I allowed my shoulders to drop and muttered "arrogant asshole".

In this kind of mood...

Sunday.

White.

Sublime.

One of those videos

Just one of those videos my parents had in their tapes of "top of the pops". You can not imagine how many times I watched this as a kid. I used to think these women were just the coolest I had ever seen in my life. Although my parents always "fast forwarded" the vidoes they thought were a bit too much, still I watched this and many more with my brother who is two years older than I am. When I was really small, my favourite past time was to follow him around for no apparent reason. He'll just be doing his own stuff, building lego or whatever, and I'll be there, just standing around...I must have been such a nuisance...

Listening to...

Bless you all!

Lots of hugs, guys! I wish you all nothing but the best from the bottom of my heart! Hope life is treating you well, and if its not, keep your head up. Good times will surely come...one day...hopefully...but it doesn't matter. Its today that counts, so keep your head up.

Lots of love

On the mend...

I woke up by 4 today. Washed dishes. Cleaned. Even mopped floor.

I feel better. Nose still blocked. Fever gone. Throat on the mend. Hungry for first time this week.

Can't wait to get back to the library. I have lots to do.

How are you all? I do hope you are all doing well and preparing for Christmas. As you all know, I won't be preparing for anything. I will basically drag myself through it.

But don't lose hope for me just yet. I might still find my old Christmas CD in one of these boxes and sing along...while dragging myself through...ha ha ha ha...

Finally...

Combed my hair. It was not pleasant.

I tried to find a video on youtube to show the dreary process that I have been going through but I could not find any that had the kind of serious knots my hair is capable of producing. My hair is long as well but I really have no idea how it is able to tangle itself so much that it looks totally flat. Flat. Like somebody molded somebody's dreadlocks and then ironed it flat on my head. Its amazing.

First, I emptied half a jar of hair cream in it...yep.

I am so tired, I can't even finish this post. I dont know why I really felt like I needed to detangle the damn hair. I just felt so irritated by everything and a nearby scissors was seriously tempting me...

Its done now and I feel better. I don't think I will be tempted to chop it all of when my fever returns. My hair might survive this illness afterall...

Am I done growing up now?

When I was a kid, my mum used to fold my clothes and place them nicely in my drawers. This must have psychologically affected all of us somehow. To show how much we love ourselves, we like to "pack" each other's things and place them nicely in piles here and there. When my sister came to visit, all my clothes were folded, arranged, hanged, if I had an iron, she would have ironed them all. When I visit my siblings, the first thing I want to do is inspect their cupboards and see what needs to be arranged. Everybody protests, we all do, "DON'T TOUCH MY THINGS!",the same way we all did when we were kids, "mummy, I can do it by myself!" because as kids, we all had our secrets in little corners, poems, notes, keepsakes, drawings, pictures,lovenotes, cards. Once I came home, and my mum had arranged all my clothes. In order. T shirts, shorts, undies, skirts, trousers, dresses, etc etc. Everything in their own pile. The first thing that went through my mind was my valentine cards! had she seen them? Of course she had, they were all arranged in piles too. In order of names. These days when I look back on my childhood, I wonder that I never could appreciate my mother. It embarasses me to think that the only thing I thought about when I heard my mum was going around arranging cupboards was my little keepsakes.

In a feverish state, I woke up in annoyance over the dust that had gathered under my bed. I know there is dust there. I am angry over the way I have clothes strewn here and there. I am angry that my dishes are dirty in the sink. Clothes that need to go to the laundry. My hair needs to be combed.

Things need to be put back in order. Nobody can live in this chaos that I call my life. Not even I, the owner of this life can put up with it any longer.

Something's got to give. I have been prepared all my life for this very instance. All this boarding school and military school was exactly for this moment in life. All my youth spent crashing here and there was in preparation for this moment.All my relationships, living apart or together, have been in preparation for this moment.

ADULTHOOD!

Yet, here I am, behaving as if nobody told me what to expect. As if I woke up one day to find myself living alone. All my life, I have been prepared for this.

"Waffy, you see how I have folded these? This is how you fold your shirts. First, you fold in the arms, nicely, like this, then, you fold this part underneath, you see? Look, mummy will show you. What is that? Gum? I hate it when you chew gum. Who gave you bazooka? where did you get money from? Daddy? Okay, throw that away, right now. I am not raising a market woman here. Where is the gum? You put it under the table? Come, I will tell you now about bacteria..."

Feeling a bit better...

Not in tip top shape but not throwing up anymore. I still have pains though and my throat is still very sore. I have only managed to drink these past two days cos eating anything is like eating nails and barbed wire.Nose is still blocked even though I use a nose spray and blow my brains out every 30 minutes...

But now I am listening to music and hoping for the best tomorrow...I have so much to do so this is not really a good time to be this ill...but I'll just listen to some more oldies...

Sounds like the oldies I love to love...

Still sick...listening to music...and is RnB back or what? This totally sounds like the good old oldies...real soul...had to check twice to make sure that this was actually released this year. Loving the soul...nothing beats it man!

Pain...

It all started yesterday night. I came home feeling in top form. I have been on the roll this past week with everything, creatively. I came home, feeling a bit tired. I thought I would have a quick nap. Maybe 30 mins or so. I woke up a couple of hours later freezing. Nothing helped. Just walking to the toilet was pain and it seemed like that was where I was bound to spend the night, either peeing or puking. My neck hurt, my back hurt, my tonsils were swollen, I had high fever, I had a headache. In the end, I cried my self to sleep. I woke up this morning and the circle started all over again. I did not know what to do. By 5 or so, I was begining to hallucinate so I managed to call my neighbour who came in like super woman.

It is 5:05 and most of this night has been spent either freezing or sweating. However, I feel a bit better. I got drinks, fruits and tea from my neighbour and my apartment door is unlocked so she can check on me often. I know she has been here a couple of times but I was so far gone, I couldn't even lift a finger.

The biggest problem now is my throat and my back, and my waist. I am so uncomfortable, I dont know where to turn or how to lie.

Now I am sitting up even if I dont have the energy to but my back feels a bit better in this position.

I hope it all just vanishes tomorrow...

For all the little stars out there...

Just keep trying and trying
It’s just a matter of timing
Though this grinding is tiring
Don’t let it stop you from smiling
Just keep trying and trying
Sooner or later you’ll find it
It’s surprising how inspiring
It’s to see you shining
Cause in the dark of the night you're all I can see
and you sure look like a star to me

Whatever...

I am very tired. When you give people a step, they always want a mile. I helped someone with a HUGE project. Seriously went out of my way to do it but made sure he understood that this is really what I can do. I do not have the time or energy for such. I did it but it was because he just kept at me and would not give me a damn break even though I told him a hundred times of the impossibility of doing it. But I did it. I gave everything I had, did my best. Worked on it like it was mine.

But now...he wants more. I have said I can't, its impossible. But he won't let up...texts, phone calls, all hours...okay send the damn thing and leave me alone.

Now he sent the damn thing...and I can't open the document because God knows what the hell this is...

I have called, sent texts, but he wont answer his phone because he does not want to hear NO for an answer, so he sends this shit and puts off his phone.

Its supposedly his deadline tomorrow and I have to feel so bad that I stay up all night working on something that is not my problem?

Why are human beings so incredibly selfish?

I am going to bed. He will do what he has to do when he sees his text. We all gotta do what we gotta do.

Whatever. Not my fucking problem.

UPDATE: People are incredible! After worrying like crazy not cos I could not do it but just to make sure HE KNOWS that I could NOT do it, imagine what this guys says when I finally reached him this morning! That he put his phone off because he was having headache and he went to bed...

I have a headache now...

Your Big Love...

"What will I do now, Waffy?"
You ask me. As if I should know.
"It gets better. You just get on with it. What's the alternative?"
I don't know. Things are not the way any of us imagined.
You always dreamed of that knight in shining armour. Your big love.
We drank wine and talked of your big love.
We laughed until we rolled on the floor thinking about all the things you will do with your big love.
That is why telling you this is not going to be easy. All I see when I look at you is the young beautiful girl I used to know when everything was easy.
When our nights were filled with music and alcohol.
You drank Baileys when you were feeling particularly extravagant. I always drank white wine or when I was poor, beer.
Sometimes you wanted us to drink cocktails with long elaborate names.
All the time, we were looking for your big love.
We made up long fantasies of how you would meet him, how many children you would have, how many boys, how many girls, their names, where you would live.
You were always certain you would find your big love.
So even though you already had somebody, you always waited for him. YOUR BIG LOVE.
But now, its been more than ten years.
Now, you ask me, "what should I do?", you ask me because after ten years, you have finally left the man that had been your companion on the never ending wait.


I look into your eyes, its not easy to do, but we are women now. We are no longer 19 and dancing to music, high on life.
"What will happen when YOUR BIG LOVE comes? Lets say he comes tomorrow. What exactly is the big change that will happen?"
"Well, I will be happy" you say.
"I think, maybe you should start making yourself happy. This knight you know, the one we have been talking about for more than ten years, he is not yet here. And we have no idea when he will show up...IF he shows up. I think we should work with the assumption that he might..."
"WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? THAT I HAVE WASTED MY LIFE? SO WHAT HAS ALL THIS WAITING FOR BEEN THEN?"
"Well...you see, thats the thing with this life thing, there is really no garantee...so, I am just thinking, suggesting, that maybe it would be wise to forget all about this man thing...just for a while...just to get your mind a bit of peace..."
"BUT I WANT CHILDREN! I WANT TO BE A MOTHER! I AM GETTING OLD!"
"If it would make you feel any better, I have given up on "soulmate"
"WHAT??? BUT YOU KNOW YOUR SOULMATE IS THERE? WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?"
"Well...maybe he is...I don't know, but I am done waiting...anyway, just calm down for now...these things work out...do you remember coco jambo?"
"WHAT?"
"Coco Jambo..."

End of another day...

I have been super productive today. Now I am going to bed. Its 2:09 am. I feel good. Good night dear bloggers. Love.



For some reason, I remembered this song tonight. I used to have an old Bob Marley tape and the first time I ever lived alone, I used to listen to it all the time. I still remember exactly how that apartment looked like. Time really does fly. Has it been ten years already? Different apartment, different city, different country but same old Bob! We've been through a lot, Bob and I...but still together...

There you are crying again
But your loveliness won't cover your shame
There you are taking true love
While you're taking true love
You're given the blame
How could I be so wrong
To think that we could get along
Days I wasted with you, child
If I count there'll be a million or two
Now I stand alone through the memory that haunts me, that haunts me
And I walk alone through the rhapsody that taunts me, that taunts me

Have a great week guys!

Have lots to do today... I am sending positive vibes to you all..

Love.

Happy Sunday!

Nothing much today. Same as yesterday...

Hope you are all good...

In the zone...

Been away writing and it feels damn good! This unemployment thing has not been so bad after all!

Now all I have to do is find a rich Nigerian Alhaji that will marry me so I don't have to work anymore. I am open to suggestions. I will just bake all day and write and go for long walks...won't that be something?

Yeah, I am doing something productive with my unemployment time...it could be worse and its not yet "worse" so that means it can only get better.

This is my time, I guess. I'll just ride the waves out...

Now I will take a shower and go for a walk. I am obsessed with getting the "winter sun" everyday. I read somewhere that it is important to get at least 30 mins (or was it 15?)everyday against depression in winter and of course some exercise. Otherwise, you just sit at home all day because it so cold. It snowed in the night. I think it will be nice.

Love to you all and have a great weekend!

Btw legs...

A girl enters the computer room. She walks straight to the free computer beside mine. She sits down. Opens her bag. Takes out a deodorant spray and sprays right in between her legs! She puts the deodorant spray back in her bag. Gets up and walks out.

I look around to see if anybody noticed this event. Nobody has. Except me.

Right in between her legs!

I can always dance to MIKA...

Naija craise...

If only more people would get mad like this in that country, a revolution would be easy....

Funny enough, only women have been seen giving this kind of resistance to the Nigerian police.

Small background: Nigerian Police often use sirens and canes to hit cars and people out of the way which is ridiculous in a country with narrow roads, pot holes, motorcycles, hawkers, buses, lorries, wheel barrows, check points, etc. Private people (big men in the government) also use sirens to get around. This has since been made illegal, yet, convoys with "big men" still use sirens...



Naija police jam real craise wey dey meet Urhobo woman...ha ha ha...dem jam witchcraft! I can't stop laughing. Its not meant to be funny, but if you have lived in Warri, you will understand. Its just anger on a whole other level...
Enjoy

Feels like a "puff puff" kind of day...

Well...since I am STILL unemployed, why not do the things I have always wanted to do but never had time for? For example, will it be so bad if I made puff puff today? Today feels like a perfect day for "puff puff". In the midst of my misery, surely something "rising" is a good thing?

Diary of the unemployed...

9:00 am: Made two phone calls concerning jobs.

10:00: Made breakfast.

11:00: Talked to sister on phone.

12:00: Showered.

I am off to the library...

Not yet sunday???

I am already in my music groove and its not yet sunday! What will I do tomorrow then? Gosh!and how many blogs have I put up today? This is pathetic...

When I think about it...

Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same...

Off to the library. I am a bit into psychoanalysis these days. Don't ask me why. I started reading about Sigmund Freud and dreams and somehow I am now stuck on all this psychology stuff.Funny enough, I totally forgot that my sister once studied psychology for a year or so before she hopped off that education. So apparently, she has all these books that I can have if I want them...and of course I want them! I am in book heaven...anyway, have a good weekend my dear blog readers.

The thought I have this weekend is that there is really nothing with the fact that I am not doing stuff that everybody else is doing. Who is "everybody" anyway?

I seriously refuse to allow other people make me feel guilty about stuff I have no control over.

Everything is subjective, man.

You enjoy your distractions and I will enjoy mine. Life is all about finding distractions so we don't have to deal with who we are. That's about it. Feel free to quote me.

This time, I win!

The best thing happened to me yesterday. I had one of my "waffy days". I woke up at 8:30 in a panic! I had over slept. My phone was dead so my alarm did not ring. Luckily, in anticipation for my usual early morning circus, I had laid out my clothes the night before so all I had to do was brush my teeth, put some deodorant on and comb my hair. Anyway, so I do all these, and run like crazy to the bus stop. The bus was going to be there by 8:45. When I get there, there are some French students there. They say that they have been there since 8:25 and the bus that was supposed to come by 8:30 never came. By 8:45, it was apparent that that one will not show up either. They are either on time, or they are not coming. I realise immediately that it might be because of the road. Like I have mentioned numerous times, I live on the top of a small "hill", so when it snows and then rains it gets very slippery and sometimes, the bus drivers refuse to drive up there.The French people decide to start walking under the rain. Going down the "walking path" also sucks. It is wet and slippery and I was not in the mood to get wet. I decided to wait. In my heart, I knew a bus would not come, but I wanted to be stubborn. I was going to be stubborn and the damn bus was gonna come. It had to. As the clock approached 9, I knew it was a lost cause but I had not yet decided what to do, apart from being stubborn. Suddenly, one of those golf car things appeared. You know, those mini cars that the mail men use but this one was being used by the city people for cleaning up etc. The guy driving it had some rakes at the back, leaves, etc. The guy stops his car and says the bus will not come. He was working in the area and kept seeing the bus turning around at the station before mine so he had asked the bus driver what that was all about and the driver said no buses will come up there cos it was too slippery. Mutherfuckers!(but I understand...). Then, the mini golf car man says I can get a ride with him if I want. I was like "YES!!!". I thought he was going to just drop me off at the station where the bus now turns but he drove me all the way to the train station! Words could not explain my exhilaration.

YES! YES! I WIN! FOR ONCE, I WIN!! Does anybody remember the scene in "the mexican" when Brad Pitt jumps up and down saying "this time, I win!"? Anyway, thats exactly how I felt. Too bad, I could not find that particular scene on youtube. Cos that's EXACTLY how I felt.

Looking forward...

To a meeting with some older ladies. I enjoy hearing their opinions about life and seeing how peaceful and calm they are about their pasts. I always get so inspired anytime I hang out with them. It feels like I can do anything! And of course, I enjoy being treated like a child. Everybody is older than me with at least 20 years and more! They are always giving me candy. And I like candy.

More beautiful and I will die...

You are beautiful
Brown hair and brown eyes
Drawing fishes,
Green, blue and yellow
Dancing round and round until we both fall
Tight hugs and tight grasps
your love, your hope, your trust
"Good bye miss!"
then you turned around and gave me a hug!
You are beautiful
and if you give me anymore,
I will absolutely die!

New day...

....................

A thousand and one thoughts...

I have come to notice that I really like it when I come home and my bed is made. Makes me feel human, somehow.

Somebody dropped a letter to someone else in my mail box. I think I am supposed to post it or something. I always forget to do that. Its been there for a while now. But why on earth could the writer not post it herself/himself?. I am also tempted to open it, read it and then post it? My curiosity is killing me but...I don't think I dare.

There's somebody that blogs from this building. The name of her blog is the name of my street and number of my building. It would be interesting to find out who this person is but these days I don't have time.

A young boy opened the door for me today. I was impressed. Such a gentleman!

Any reality series that have people looking for that "special one" is toture to me.

Someone asked if I wanted to have kids today.

I got a piece of apple stuck in my teeth all day. It really irritated me.

I have been quite mellow considering the fact that I feel my house of cards will crash at any moment.

I am calm, cool and collected.

I sent texts to two people I know have been having hard times. People that I met randomly. Here and there. I got no answers.

I paid all my bills today. I really cant eat rice everyday. Which reminds me, I won't mind a cup of hot cocoa.

That "Zephyr" song is in my head again. And Bob Marley. I will listen to both.

I got a bit lost today.

I am going to read.

It's 11:12.

Goodnight.

P.S: not really a 1001 thoughts but that just made the title look good.

I Wish You Love...

Had another interesting meeting the other day with a stranger and I keep forgetting to write it down. I better do so now cos its one of those meetings...you know, my facsination with strangers and their fascination with me. I am telling you, I am a magnet...but here we go...


I got to the platform. It was cold. I took out my book from my bag and went into the waiting area. There was nobody there which was unusual for a late saturday night. I was still high on life after a dinner with my friends and their family. It had been quite interesting and entertaining. Many impressions.

A young man came in with his luggage. About three different bags which he dragged in. I heard the sound of a train and I got up to check if it was mine but it was only one of those weird "half trains" that passes through the stations in/on/at( I sincerely could not make up my mind about the preposition I should use, in, on or at? If anybody knows, please tell me) high speed and never stops. I can never figure out what they are actually used for. To carry coal? Cos they always look so dirty and smoky...just like a train that carries "pollution" would look like. Anyway, I went back to my seat and this young man says,

"Do you think one can get a ride on one of those?"

"Well, you get on it and tell me afterwards"

He starts laughing. I laugh too. It was a stupid joke but it was an opening. An opening for conversation...

"Are you going to "S"? he asks

"Yes I am"

"You live there?"

"Yeah, and you?"

"I am going to my father...I don't live here...I live in "U city" he says

"Well, that's nice. Are you visiting?"

Here, he is silent for a while and then he says,

"Can I be completely honest with you?"

"Yes, please"

"Well, I just got out of a rehabilitation home"

"Oh. How long where you in there for? Was it drugs?"

"Yes. It was either that or prison, so I chose that. Drug free six months now"

"Well I guess this is a new start then. Really good. Congrats"

"Yes but now I am very poor. You know I am used to a flashy lifestyle, everyday parties, I had a car, girlfriends...now I don't have anything"

"Ah! but you are drug free. That's really a good thing. How old are you?"

"25. But now I have to start all over again and I don't even know what to do"

"I understand. I started from scratch again recently so I understand your fears. But time goes fast and before you know it, you are back on your feet. Do you have some sort of education?"

"Yeah, I used to be a driver"(I was not sure what he said here, "truck driver?" some sort of driver, anyhow)

"Have you thought of studying?"

"I was not good in school"

"Ah! That's not a problem! Those things don't count anymore when you are an adult. Tell me, is there any job you see that you like? even though you think its silly...just say...anybody you admire?"

"I never thought of anything...I never liked anything...but now, when I was in this rehabilitation home, I really liked the people that helped me...so I was thinking...I don't know...but maybe I can study sociology?"

"Ah! but that's really great. Really good idea"

"You think its a good idea?"

"Yes! Its a good idea. I think you should do it. You are drug free, you will live with your dad, new city, new people, you can study in the university...


Unfortunately, the train came right at that moment and it was so full that we ended up in different wagons. I caught his eye when I got in and waved and he waved back.

I really, really hope his life gets better and maybe we will meet again one day and he will tell me he is now a sociologist and everything worked out fine.

I really hope so.

Interview madness...

First call on tuesday. Asked to call back on wednesday. Called on wednesday. Asked to call back on thursday. Called on thursday. Asked to come for interview on friday. Had a feeling in my bones that I should call and be certain. OOOps! did they forget to tell me? It's now on monday instead. That is, today. Let me just say, I am getting there at my own time because for some reason, I feel I will show up there and nobody will know who the hell I am...

Feeling good...

Woke up feeling good. I am going to take a walk. Been a long time since I woke up without a knot in my stomach. Normally, I wake up and I go "shit! another day!". Its terrible I know, but thats just the way it has been. If I don't go "shit! another day!" then I go "shitty world!", something like that. But today, I woke up and thought, "hmmmmm looks like its sunny outside, maybe I should take a walk?" and don't forget, sunday, is for music! And this, I dedicate to all the lovely people in my life and if I could send them all flowers I would but I am broke.

So, here's to me, and here's to them!



Meanwhile, is there anybody else that thinks Barry White has the ultimate "feel good" vibe? The problem with Barry White is you have to be a bit on air to listen to him otherwise you just get pissed off at him, you think, "why on earth is this man so damn happy?" So you have to be on another level yourself, of course. Anyway, Barry White is great for early mornings, doing nothing...but why on earth am I defending my taste here? Yes, I like Barry White, Bite me!

My neighbours are so noisy...

There used to be two guys living in the apartment beside mine, now I hear they are three in there. No wonder its become so noisy! Not with music or anything but they are constantly moving stuff, hitting the walls, just banging kind of noises...

I am going out. Can't take the weird sounds anymore. They are driving me nuts.

Come on now! We can do it!

I am trying to convince my sister to perform this dance routine with me for an occasion...look how easy the dance steps are! We can even get purple suits and all! She just refuses to even consider this idea...I am telling you, we can do it! Come on now!







Or maybe she would like me to choose a chereography from here!

We are all prostitutes...

Been having a good old laugh at the madness of the comments concerning Onyeka Onwenu, Toni Payne and the journalist lady. On any given day, a discussion concerning people I do not know, is inconsequential. However, something that tickles my soul is the way people talk about sex in that country.

First of all, for all the religious propaganda, Nigeria oozes of sex. People keep complaining about the "western world", "western values", yet, go to any Nigerian party and see if your eyes don't pop off at the number of women whose bosoms can hardly be contained in their traditional wears. But of course, because its "traditional", their breasts and ass wiggling and bouncing is not "indecent", yet, I dare not wear a miniskirt or leather pants to the same party, lest I be labeled a prostitute!

Turn on the radio and all you hear are men talking about the body parts and shapes of women. Look around you,one wife, two wives, girlfriends, mistresses, house maids, sex, sex, sex. Nollywood, sex. Music, sex. Politicians, sex. Pastors, sex. The Nigerian society reeks of sex. Yet, men still think that the best way to insult a woman is by calling her a prostitute. Now, really? Is this the best you can do? What makes a woman a prostitute in Nigeria? SEX! Nobody really cares if you get paid for it or not, as far as you are having sex somewhere and a male somewhere is pissed off at you, you are automatically a prostitute, even if the person you had sex with was him!

Being called a prostitute by men in Nigeria means absolutely NOTHING! That "insult" has long lost its value. If one was called a prostitute in a country with the best of morals and principles, that would be another matter. But being called a prostitute in a country that is rife with corruption, dirt, hypocrisy and bullshit? Somebody needs to update their dictionary of insults.

But let us get to the other matter. The issue of Nigerian women calling their fellow women all sorts of names, the favorite of course, is the one they have borrowed from their husbands, fathers and brothers, "prostitute". It does not matter what crime you have committed. It is not enough to just say "that woman is rude" and leave it at that. It has to be "that woman is rude...and...she is a prostitute".

I could care less about Toni Payne, Onyeka or the journalist. My main issue is the fact that anybody at all is bothered because a Nigerian man/woman labels one as prostitute. That insult used to be reserved for the virgin girl in 1900 who mistakenly fell in love with the master's son who promised to marry her.

Is there really anybody in Nigeria that will hear that somebody is having sex and think "REALLY?. If such a person exists, then I say to you now, you must be a damn fool.

The normal reaction when you hear somebody calling a woman a prostitute should be, "and so what?". It should not provoke long debates on blogs and newspapers. It should not be a matter that anybody should even be concerned about. We should all know by now, that there is a disgruntled man somewhere, behind it.

If you all don't know, now you know:The insult, formerly known as "prostitute" (ashawo) has lost its value. If you really want to insult somebody, get creative, update your vocabulary, think outside the box.

And if you still insist on calling a woman a prostitute, then do not forget that every woman you know is either one or will soon be one. Including your wife, sister and mother cos some man somewhere, is always mad at her.

Wanted!

I knew I shouldn't have watched that damn "wanted". I know how my body reacts to anything slightly unpleasant. Pure Paranoia. I start imagining that I must have seen the fugitives somewhere. My mind goes into overdrive, look well, are you sure you have not seen this face before? Maybe on the train? look again? And this rapist? doesn't he look familiar? wasn't he the one on the train the other day? And that armed robber? what a striking resemblance to your neighbour! on and on it goes...when my mind finally calms down and I convince myself that for sure, I have never seen any of those faces before, then the next stage starts, look carefully now, what if you see him on the train some day? remember, never make eye contact, he might understand that you have recognised him and that will be very dangerous for you, you have to be smooth, careful...

Lord have mercy!

I did not sleep at all last night. I woke up every twenty minutes, checked my door five times, checked my windows ten times, was that a noise I heard? It was a terrible night. Terrible.

I knew I should not have watched that nonsense, I knew it. Even as I was watching it, I kept saying to myself, "you are gonna be so fucked up".

I shall never, ever, watch that show again. Never. It took all my strength not to go to my neighbour's and ask if I could sleep over...thank God, I did not.

My reputation as a sane human being is still intact.



*Wanted=Its a show, just like America's most wanted

There is always somebody that doesn't have food...

Written yesterday



I was at a friend of mine's today. A single mother. She was busy making her daughter's lunch for the next day while I drank some wine. The daughter was going on an excursion so the mother packed, perhaps, a bit too enthusiastically. The daughter protested very strongly, "mummy, you always pack too much food for me. I will never be able to eat all that!". Her mother replied, "better to have too much food than go hungry and anyway, there is always somebody that doesn't have food, share it with whoever does not". I agreed with the mother. There is always a child that will not come along with a lunch box. My friend also packed a bag for me, as if I was also a child. Fruits and the leftovers from our dinner. I also protested, "are you sure???" she did not even look at me as she stuffed the fruits into the bag.

When I arrived at my stop, it was raining. A homeless man stood there, with his belongings strewn in paper bags all around him. "Cigarette?" "Cigarette?" he asked each passenger that came off the train. Nobody even looked at him as they hurried away, towards the escalators.

"Cigarette?" he asked.

"No, I don't have cigarettes" I said, as I hurried towards the doors...then I stopped...

"But I have food"

"Really? what do you have?"

I looked into the bag, even I, was not sure what was in it but right at the very top, was a banana and orange...

"Well, you can have a banana if you like"

"That would be nice thank you"

"What about an orange? you can also have an orange"

"Oh, that could come in useful, thanks"

As I left him in the cold, I remembered what my friend said "there is always somebody that does not have food".

Today, it wasn't me... but there is always somebody...

This week's "I hate men" rant...

Note: "I hate men" rant is a weekly feature on this blog. You are welcome to send in your own rants...

Number one misconception of me by men :That I am "happy go lucky" all the time and will entertain them and make THEIR lives full of life and colours. I am the "wild" exotic flower you pluck and put in your room and life is now good. Indeed! (and if you don't give it water and take care of it, its gonna whither and die and now you are upset cos you've got a dead exotic flower and even just seeing it there irritates you because you remember how it was once such a beautiful flower...but you forget that you killed it, anyway)

No. I am not happy all the time. I am also very quiet and "introspective" as someone once said. That's why you don't have to ask me five hundred times "what's wrong?" "what's wrong?". Nothing is wrong, mutherfucker! I am thinking! An activity that seems lost on you...

I don't know where men get the idea that we are here to make THEM feel great about themselves?

Am I supposed to juggle and do tricks too?

The funny thing is, I do tell them when they meet me. I am not this social all the time. I am very social when "I" want to be. Big emphasis on "I". I can't be social whenever someone else wants me to be.

I don't get it. I am me all the time. What do they want? I am not happy all the time. In fact, if I were happy all the time, then that would mean that I am a human being without empathy, cos not a day goes by without me seeing or hearing something that gets me a bit down in this cruel world. What? they want a robot?

But we are all human, I am not here to decorate YOUR life and make YOU feel happy.

I am here to make ME happy and making you happy is by the way...if it happens, it happens, but that's not my number one priority in life.

Make your own self happy mutherfucker. Damn, what am I? A monkey?

P.S: Meanwhile, if you are not social yourself, who the hell am I supposed to socialise with? if you are a dry human being, no interests, no opinions about society, no opinions about books, music, world matters, maybe even advertisements, I mean, come on, anything! If you have NOTHING, what the fuck am I supposed to "interact" with? "Oh, you are so funny with your sisters and friends but not with me!". Well, my sisters and friends have opinions on EVERYTHING. We can talk for hours cos they are living creatures, you know, mammals, primates, with brains, they have information and knowledge...there can be interaction, we bounce balls back and forth, you know, normal.

Usssssch! I hate men!

Sunday Music...

My father used to play music on Sundays when I was a kid. In my head, Sunday is always for music. You wake up, and the first thing you do is put on the radio or a CD. You make coffee or tea and you have a cosy time with your family. My family is not here but I will have a cosy time anyway. I will buy some milk and make hot cocoa, I will put some baguettes in the oven and put some butter over hot bread. I will go for a walk or take my bicycle for a ride. Sunday is to make life cosy. Love, sweets, newspapers, pepper soup. I hope you are all doing well and enjoying your lives. I need to clean as well.

Something: An old admirer called me around 2 last night, drunk. Seriously, the first thing you should do when you are drunk is to hide your mobile phone. One always starts calling up all sorts of people. I know. I am guilty of doing that as well. Anyway, he kept on saying how he really liked me and how he was so sorry he had been bad to me, and I should forgive him etc etc. I listened to everything and behaved towards him the way I always wished someone would do when I call up drunk. I listened to all his anxiety, problems, fears, his loneliness. When he was done, I said "everything is going to be fine. You will see, it will be okay. Now, drink a glass of water, and go to bed. I'll call you tomorrow". Actually, I am not going to call him back. I know how drunk calls work. Right now, he is probably very ashamed of himself and even if he does remember, will not want to know what he said or did not say. Best to give him time to get over the whole thing. The best will be to call him up in about two weeks or so and laugh merrily over the whole episode.

Now, I will go for my walk.

Sending you all love...

By the way: Rings on men are so damn ugly. If its not a wedding ring, everything else just looks crazy on their fingers. Especially those big round colorful ones...ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

and you...

Piece by piece
it takes forever
life goes by
and I still pick up the pieces
everybody else seems to be racing
but I am still picking up the pieces
Shattered all around me
takes forever to gather
but I don't give up
every piece will be saved
I spend my hours
gluing, stapling, fixing
and you...
and you...


Piece by piece
I am still gathering
some pieces are so sharp
I have cut myself
time and time again
some, I don't touch
too sharp, too sharp
everybody else seems to be in this race
except me
I am where you left me
picking up my pieces
and you...
and you..


and you...
and you...


You fucking left me here with shattered pieces...you left me with these fucking pieces...

and you...
and you...

and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you and you...

Daily observations...

On the lift: A young woman got in with three children in tow. Two of them were settled snugly into those new hip strollers that have two places for kids, side by side. The baby was about 6 months and the one beside it, about 2, while the one walking was about 5. By the way, is there anything like a Louis Vuitton pram? Cos I swear to God, it had those LV symbols all over...are there really human beings who would buy designer prams? Or perhaps it was a fake? Anyway, so she looks perfect. Not the pram, the young mum. Made up as if by a make up artist, all dressed up, etc. I know it was the mum cos the kids kept saying "mama" all the time. Anyway, in the lift, besides me, were three other women. An elderly woman with silver hair that kept smiling lovingly at the children, another young woman dressed to the 9's and a Chinese woman who kept staring at the kids. I, on the other hand, was interested in figuring out if this was a genuine LV or if it was fake and wondering what purpose either will serve? If it is real, then is she out of her mind? but, if it is fake, then she surely must be nuts. Cos not only do you go out of your way to get a designer pram, but a fake one? Anyway, I saw her on my way back home again, struggling with the kids. Still, she looked perfect.

On the train: The most irritating thing to see must be two people lovingly kissing in a seriously full train. Imagine a train with no place to sit, people pressed against each other all the way down into the aisles, and then, these two human beings who decide to demonstrate their love to the world. Seriously. Its the most irritating thing.

Dear soul mate,

You do not know me and I do not know you. I, however, have wasted much of my life waiting for you. Every book I read, every music I heard, every film I have watched, confirmed your existence to me. I therefore, waited. Sometimes, I waited patiently and sometimes I did not.

On the days when I was impatient, I met men who I thought was you. I would be ecstatic that I had found you at last and would quickly settle into a web of deceptive dreams that many times, would have suffocated me. However, I am happy to say, that more often than not, the patient days would arrive and I would quickly see that I had woven around me, a suffocating web. I would then realize that the man in my web was not you and painfully but pedantically, extract myself.

I wish these extractions took only days but I am afraid to say, on one occasion, it took years. I used to wonder if in your search for me, you have also entangled yourself in webs of broken dreams? I wonder, if you are even still searching, or did you give up a long time ago? I wonder, do you know, I am still looking for you? I used to think we could be like Yoko and John, me and you against the world, you know. The years have gone by and you are still not here. Many times I have almost settled for less. Like I said, on my impatient days.

I am sure you are wondering why I am writing this letter to you...

I wonder as well, seeing that you may never read this blog and even if you do, you might dismiss this letter as the rantings of a lunatic, which would be a shame.

I am writing this letter to you I suppose, to inform you that I have now gone beyond those days of impatience. You might think this is a good thing but I have also moved beyond my days of patience...

I am writing to tell you that I am beyond you.

It has been a long time coming and you must admit, that this is all your fault. You are never at the right place at the wrong time or vice versa. You are simply never any where.

It hurts to tell you this but I think, there can only be one Yoko and John in the world.

It is therefore with great sadness, soul-mate, that I inform you that I no longer wish to be your soul mate. I relinquish my stake in our partnership and you are now free to search for another.

Henceforth, I wish to be known as the woman who lived life on her own.

I know you will understand, if you ever see this.

Yours sincerely,
Waffy.

P.S: If you ever see me on the street, walk on by...

Better things...

A good friend came to visit. It was sweet of him to visit at this particular time. His visit did a lot to uplift my drowning soul. I was spoilt rotten. Chocolates, dinners, wine, etc. I told him I was an "agbero" but he insisted on spoiling me, which was very nice. I am grateful that he came at this particular time...it has been a hard time for me.


Been hanging out with my friend Tina and her family. I have been crashing out at weekends there on their sofa. They also spoil me. I eat there all the time and drink beer. I am thankful that they are in my life.


My friend D sends me mails and songs that keep me inspired to keep on going.For that, I am always grateful.


Everything always comes to me when they should, even at the darkest of hours.

Life.

Whatever. Lets keep going, got to find better things...

Dry...

It's been a hard job cheering up myself. Even though these days I feel much better about everything. Life is what it is. Yesterday, I made myself a really good lunch. I did not care anymore about my self imposed economic cuts. I felt much better. A friend of mine will be around this weekend so perhaps there will be some sort of "tourism" this weekend. Although I think it will be quite cold for walking up and down. I can't believe the weekend is here already. I thought I just wrote about the weekend last weekend? Well, last weekend I was down with the flu but now I am all well and healed...well, that's about it. I am dry these days...

Full throttle...

Okay, time to get into my superwoman role, if not, I might never get back on track. Just being me is never enough to handle life situations. I actually need to pretend I am some KGB specially trained agent to handle simple tasks in life. I am too vulnerable, too soft, too sensitive, a serious cry baby. Such people never make it in life...

P.S: Someone wrote a text to me the other day, he wrote "Life is so hard to you", and I agreed. Totally. Compared to many, I have seen enough. However, compared to many, what I have seen, is nothing. I know extremely brave people, incredibly wonderful souls. In many ways, life has not been fair to me, but, really, who is life fair to anyway? It's just the way it is. Years of hardship, years of happiness, years of creativity, years of productivity, etc etc. They take their turns. These are my years of hardship and so far, so good. A bit harder than this and I might actually not survive but this, I can handle.

Weekend 2.

WEEKEND!!!

Not as if I will be enjoying anything...I am still fucked up with the flu but I can still fantasize...enjoy yourselves people...wish I could drink something but I am all drugged up so no alcohol for me, plus, I am now on low budget economy until I get another job...but life goes on. Tmrw will be better!

Today...

I have been bored.

All day.

I also have the flu and as usual, I sunk deep in the abyss of self pity. No work, sick. Pathetic.

I watched documentaries online. I listened to music. I kept busy on facebook.

Did some writing. Re wrote some things.

Listened to some more music.

Tried to uplift my soul by listening to old music.

I watched a debate program and concluded that they were all morons.

Went back on facebook. Totally dry.

Tried writing again. Nothing.

Made some tea.

Got a phone call.

I couldn't talk because my voice is cracked.

Drank tea.

Suddenly remembered where I had seen one of the women on the debate panel.

Drank more tea.

Suddenly remembered where I had heard the voice of a man on the debate panel.

Decided to blog.

And that's exactly what I did.

10:45

Okay, Patrice. Here you go...are you happy now?



My mission was to find Mcdonalds. It was quiet. Sunday nights are always quiet. Fathers and mothers preparing for the misery of the next week. Children exhausted from weekend activities and the unemployed exhausted from doing nothing. That is how it was for me. I hadn't achieved anything and therefore, I was exhausted. I did not call any friends or family.I had not eaten anything all day. I read my book feverishly, desperate to get to the end, as if my life hung on every word. I was tempted to go to the catholic church, my childhood vision of safety and reassurance and do the rituals that used to have a calming effect on my childish soul but I opted for looking for alcohol instead. I went to my neighbour's, my sometimes drinking partner but this time, he had none. His wife asked why I had my coat on and I said I had thought about attending church. She said "but now you are here, asking for wine. This is the work of the devil". I agreed with her. Who else could it be but the devil?

I walked on the empty street, there was music blasting from TGIF and two men shivered under the artificial light outside, smoking their cigarettes. The whole atmosphere was set to decieve tourists that this was a town of fun and modern entertainment but I knew the truth. In a month's time, nobody will stand outside shivering. Everybody would be huddled under blankets at home, staring blankly at television sets and thanking God they had managed to find someone during the summer. Every pairing up during the summer, is in anticipation of the cold winter that causes people to jump in front of trains.

I found what I was looking for. I ate my burger by the window where I could watch people passing by. There is no shortage of sports cars in this city. They just kept passing by. Red, yellow, black, green. There is no shortage of couples either. Men and women holding hands, smiling and laughing. The world is a great place for some, I concluded.

I finished my burger and wondered if the other burger eaters thought I was pathetic. Eating alone by the window, lost in my thoughts, counting cars. Red, yellow, black, green.

When I got home, it was Twelve already. I had no idea it had taken me so long to eat a burger.

I was exhausted. As only the unemployed can be.

Listening to...

This week's "I hate men" rant....

Every week, from now on, this blog will feature a "I hate men" rant. I might make a seperate blog for it, who knows? I always write here, so it might be better to just leave it on this blog cos just like my other blogs, I might forget about it totally, so perhaps a "weekly" feature may be more suited to my disposition? My victim today, is a man I saw at the train station. Feel free to send in your own "I hate men" rants...




Just look at him! Uscccccccch? Beige! Of course he will wear beige! Part of the beige people. Boring. He can't even wait to open his laptop. Yeah, yeah, don't notice anything. Don't notice your fellow residents of planet earth, go ahead, get lost in your laptop world of mails, meetings, and briefs. Don't worry, you can even go ahead and have a "video conference" or whatever. Your life is so important. God! How I hate men. And when you get home, what do you do? I know your type. You don't even acknolwdege your wife. You will wolf your food down because you are hungry. Look at the time! Another late night at the office, while your wife is at home, waiting for you. And what do you do when you get home? Huh? You will go straight to bed after wolfing down your food, but you will not sleep immediately. You will open your laptop one last time and check your mails again. Time difference. Mails from U.S, Japan, India. She will turn off the table lamp on her side of the bed. You will close your laptop. You will go downstairs, and get yourself a glass of water. You won't even ask her if she wanted some water as well. You will drink your water and say, "good night". She would have slept off already. You disgust me. Ah! What do I see there? A small bag of candy in your laptop bag? Well, isn't that original! Greedy and stingy. Just for yourself! You eat it at work, eat it on the train, do you ever offer her any of it? I guess not, since its in your laptop bag.

I hate men.

I wish I could live like I am longing to live...

Sshhhhhhhhhhh! I have a crush!

Is this blog fast becoming a journal of my love life or what? How boring! However, what can one do? It is what it is. I have a crush! It is childish and stupid and I should really purge my soul of this nonsense. However,I am living a very unhealthy world of fantasy and dreaming. It is terrible. And speaking of terrible, I just told another "potential lover" these two sad words "Fuck you!". This man, had the guts to compare me to some ex lover! HOW DARE HE? but that is not the worst part, the worst part, is that this ex lover is apparently dead. Now, who would want to be in competition with a dead perfect lover? The whole thing was freaking me out, so I did the first thing that came to my mind. I said "fuck you" and hung up the phone. It was terrible. I just did not know how to react. I don't know if he expected me to be sympathtic, but I just could not deal with it. Apparently, the perfect dead woman was the best person on earth, always understanding and never questioned him. Chineke, God of Africa and how on earth is that my business? The funny part of this amazing story, is that I had no idea he was talking about a dead woman, so when he finished his comparison, of me, being "questioning" while DW was so understanding, all I said was "well, if she is so perfect then why are you not with her then?" and he yelled "cos she is dead!". I was shocked at first but then I said "so are you comparing me with her???" and he said "Yes, cos if only you would be as understanding as she was, maybe we would understand each other", so I said "fuck you" and hung up. Who has time for all that psycho drama? So back to my crush. Please God let him notice me, please....

Nah...keep walking...

It's not easy for me to let people in because I do not trust people. But this is a natural instinct if you have been hurt by others quite a lot. Its natural that you protect yourself.In the past, people that have been close to me have been mean to me, let me down, disappointed me, hurt me, etc. But this is also a part of life. I do not take it to mean anything other than a part of life. However, since I am quite a sensitive person, I try to protect myself by being friends only with people who seem to be tenderhearted (solid, good people). If I make a mistake, and become friends with someone who seemed to be so and then turned out to be something else, I do not waste my time in regrets and neither do I waste my time asking "why", I simply just walk away and let the human being be.

Which is what I did recently. A "friend" of mine completely let me down at my former place of work. It is largely because of certain selfish actions that she and others took, that made me quit. It was incomprehensible to me, that someone who I had been so nice to, treated like a little sister, helped in so many ways, could become such a selfish human (I guess she did not really "become", she probably always was one, I was the one who did not see that incredibly glaring human trait, naive as I am). The funny part, was that she actually thought that after her actions, I would still want to be friends with her? What planet do people live on? Life is not like that. We all must take consequences for our actions. If you choose to fuck somebody up, then that's what you did. There are no two ways about it. You just swallow the bitter pill and move on. Nobody is obliged to continue a friendship under such circumstances. I got a text from her yesterday. Apparently, for some reason, she wants to meet cos we have a lot to talk about.

Really? HA HA HA HA HA HA Christ! People really do have nerves. Talk about what? Why can't people stand for their own actions? I did not go about explaining "why and how" to anybody because for me, my conscience is solid and clear. I am quitting because I feel unfairly treated and used. Finish. End of the matter. I stand by my actions and I accept the consequences. If you think you have handled yourself right, then you owe no man explanations. Why on earth would she want to "explain" anything to me? Stand by your actions and move on. That's how I see it. People should be made to understand the consequences of what they do in life. This is not some play ground where you can just do as you want and play with the lives of others and then come back, and play "tea". She must be kidding.

The thing is, I really have nothing to say to her. She is not who I thought she was and that is fine by me. It is part of life. I have already wished her the best. Good luck in life, but you are just not the kind of person I wish to be associated with. Life is too short to know such people. They are so many nice people out there, why waste time with someone of that nature when you can mingle with the best?

I am not going to meet her. I am not going to waste one second of my life in the presence of such a human being.

We do not have anything in common and we never did.

It was all just an illusion.

More Music...

Music...dreaming...home...soul....

Unemployed and feeling good...

I quit my job.

And on that note, FUCK YOU TO SOUL SUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO FEED ON THE INTEGRITY AND GOOD WILL OF HARDWORKING PEOPLE.

I feel better.

Anyway, so my days are spent looking for another job of course and meeting other unemployed people.

However, I don't feel gloomy at all. I feel good that I am not being taken advantage of anymore. No more running around like Cinderella. No Sir! Fuck it. I rather live in poverty (which reminds me, I need to stock up on potatoes) than swallow one more minute of shit from low thinking narrow minded human beings. Ussssssssschhhhhh!

I got the best reference ever though. Apparently, I am much admired and loved for my ability to give 100% of my soul. Why I was never rewarded for such sterling qualities, I do not know.

Fuck them.

No small thing...

Your humour makes me smile
Your music makes me dance
Your kindness makes me cry
Your genius blows me away
Your humanity makes me proud

You are my favourite inspiration

Loving it!

Obsessing...

Great Lyrics! Can't get over them!

If you’re living the unlivable
By loving the unlovable
It’s time to start changing the unchangeable
Be leaving the unleaveable

Come on

If you’re living the unlivable
By loving the unlovable
It’s time to start breaking the unbreakable
And replacing the irreplaceable

Alas! the experiment ends...

You can all breathe a sign of relief. There shall be no more dates or exciting new meetings with interesting characters. After much thought, okay, I shall not lie. I gave it no thought at all, except a feeling suddenly came over me that I was through. So, did I find anybody interesting? Somebody that I want to know more of? No. Not really. Out of 6 men! you might scream with awe. Do not scream. I am not picky. As a line goes in a song I know, "we light the fire with paper and not wood". Basically, my fire for dating has burnt out. It's one of those fires that burns fast, cos it was not real fire anyway, not with wood. I wanted to be sure that I had done EVERYTHING, so I can now offer all those that might question my life as a spinster, the following words, "I tried everything". That said, I had a lovely time observing and noticing details, making up stories in my head and indulging in one fantasy or the other. Why I have chosen, today of all days to end my play with "paper fueled" fire, is a mystery.

Everything is going well, I have two potential lovers and there is hope that my heart might finally let go and I would be bouncing along in bubbles of delight and love. However, it has come to my attention that I am not taking any of these dates as seriously as I should. I spend most of my time drinking in their details and making notes about potential characters. It is sad indeed. Should I not be falling in love or at least having some sex? Taking all these facts into consideration, I have decided to end my dating spree for the time being. Perhaps in the future I might have a sudden burst of energy again? Who knows?

But for now, I hang up my jacket and drink some tea.

Where were we?

Even I, am confused with all my dates...but lets try and sort this out.

Met date number 4 again.

I think I like him cos he seems calm and fun. He works hard and plays hard, which I think is what life should be about. What is the point of working so hard if you don't get to enjoy yourself? Also, he was quite a gentle man. I think I mentioned that before. It all seems to be going so well, except for this minor complication...which is date 6.

Date number 6

Well, not actually a "date", but I am giving him a number too , so he can be in the race. I kinda bumped into him at the bus stop. Yes! I know! My dream of just casually meeting the man of my dreams at the bus stop or preferably on the train, might actually come true...well, lets not get ahead of ourselves here. I met him at the bus stop. I was rushing like mad to get the bus and the bus just left! He was smiling and said "you just missed it" and I must have said a couple of incomprehensible sentences including swear words. We got on the same bus later on and just got chatting...

Anyway, so date number 6 is very much like me. Global. I like "global". Laughs a lot. I like laughing. Swims. I swim. Might be "intense"...ehhhh...halllllllllo! I am "intense" and spontaneous. I am spontaneous.

The big fear of course, as my lovely friend Tina put it (Thanks Tina!) was that there was a potential that next week he will buy me a necklace and declare his undying love for me (Why exactly a necklace, I do not know, but I am assuming Tina has experience with those types). That just means, it might get serious really fast which is what WE (I and Tina) do not want at all. We would like it to be slow and calm, which is what we have decided that I need. Which brings us back to date number 4...

Date number 4.

Well, it seems his catch phrase might be "sleep on it". As we departed again, last night, I asked him if he thought I liked him at all..


This seemed to startle him and I am quite sure he stammered a bit. Finally he said "Sleep on it"...

I started laughing...

What exactly do we know of date number 4? He is an only child, lived in Germany for ten years, enjoys sailing, hockey, football and drinking beer. Seems to be living a care free life full of sports activities and friends. Been single for a long time. Why????

Basically, they both have the potential to kill me one day and leave me in a dustbin...according to Tina. We really know nothing of these two characters. Except one is very forward and the other laid back.

Update on date 6

Not sure I am "that" interested anymore. He walks very slow. I can't stand people that walk as if they don't have any time limit. It irritates the hell out of me. This must come though from the fact that I always disliked seeing all those rich men in agbadas in Nigeria, strolling without a care in the world, with somebody else carry their briefcase. I guess those images have traumatized me for life.

*agbada*= traditional Nigerian Attire, mostly worn by rich big bellied men.

What else?

I am back in the groove...

Have a good week, people.

Tired of debates, speeches, election campaigns, politics...

Yesterday I dropped a few coins in a hat
Your heads were right on top of us
Smiling down at us, picture perfect posters
White teeth gleaming in the subway
Smiling down at the dirt and filth
and yet you hardly see anything
and now I can't see anything...

You have blocked my view.

Back in "Alicia Keys groove"...

Happy Sunday. Spending the day "cleaning" (we'll see how that goes), listening to music and drinking beer.

Lots of love.

Update on "ze men"...

Okay, so for those that do not not know, I have been on a series of dates. You can check out them out here. Anyway, lets move on. What number are we on now? Yeah, number 5, I guess.

Date number 5

Talked way tooooooooooooooo much. He made me nervous, men. For anything I said, he said five times more. Anything I have done, he has also done, and even more. Anything I knew, he also knew. He seemed like a nice guy but he was not relaxed at all. I was not at all comfortable, but the weird thing was that he apparently likes me, a lot! And I am like "huh?" Upper class, well dressed, etc etc. I apparently, want a "bum" in my life since there is really no reason why I am so turned off by these nicely dressed men with expensive watches and nice gold cards.

God, please send waffy a bum.

Okay...

I am up. Drinking coffee and pretending I am a very strong and brave woman that can take on the world. I have to actually get in character to be able to leave my apartment today. How am I? How am I?

Well, despite the fact that I have been quite depressed, I have to say, I am quite lucky. I remember writing a post once about how I always get calls from people I have not heard from in a while on days when I really feel bad...

I can't dig out that post now, but its the weirdest thing. Let us take yesterday, the worst of the days. I was down. Completely out. Let's look at the people who got in contact with me, yesterday, of all days.

1. My two sisters (okay, not a surprise cos I talk to them quite often)

2. A colleague from work. ( A surprise)

3. An old friend from Nigeria (???)

4. My ex's mother (???)

5. An old room mate I have not spoken to in more than 8 years (??? we ended up talking until 4 in the morning)

6. A mail from another friend from Nigeria (possible he read my blog??? but I doubt it)

7. Phone call from good friend who just got back into town so I met her up at the station and we had coffee.

I can be in complete solitude for months, without a word from anybody, and then suddenly, everybody gets in contact on the same day! If they could only spread themselves out a little bit, over days and months, it would help.

However, I am grateful that I am loved.

So now, I shall drink coffee and pretend I am strong and brave.

Crap life.

Scared...

I fall so deep sometimes
I try to crawl out
but darkness envelopes me
Its hard
So hard
and I see nothing
There is a light, they say
If I look hard enough
There is a light, they say
I try to crawl out
but its so dark
so dark
and all I do is fall...

Be Drunken...

Be Drunken, always. That is the point; nothing else matters. If you would not feel the horrible burden of time weigh you down and crush you to the earth, be drunken continually.

Drunken with what? With wine, with poetry or with virtue, as you please. But be drunken.

And if sometimes, on the steps of a palace, or on the green grass in a ditch, or in the dreary solitude of your own room, you should awaken and find the drunkenness half or entirely gone, ask of the wind, of the wave, of the star, of the bird, of the clock, of all that flies, of all that speaks, ask what hour it is; and wind, wave, star, bird, or clock will answer you: "It is the hour to be drunken!"

Be Drunken, if you would not be the martyred slaves of time; be drunken continually!

With wine, with poetry or with virtue, as you please...

-Charles Baudelaire