In an r'n'b mood...

I am rehearsing for New Year...

Update on stuff...

Eye is healing wonderfully, I have been a good patient and my mum is here cooking, cleaning and all that mummy stuff.

I wish I could meet my Godson now, I know I will impress him with the fact that I actually have a mummy. He says I am "1000" years old.

I haven't done much "thinking" this Christmas, just glad and at peace in a weird way.

I spent too much money on groceries but I know it made my mum happy to feel like I had stocked up on really good food.

Okay, now my flow has been disturbed by my mum.

Got to go.

To my ever faithful readers, you are all appreciated more than you know.

Love.

Eye surgery...

Had eye surgery two days ago.

Its the most painful thing on planet earth.

I am typing with one one eye.

I was in excruciating pain most of that night. I started hallucinating and what not. Its the worst thing I have ever been through.

I took a taxi home after the surgery by myself and felt lonelier than ever.

Then I got off at the wrong building. My neighbour who became my nurse as well, came down to meet me.

For two days I have mostly been in bed, calling my neighbour on my phone and waking up long enough to eat or take more pills etc.

Today though, I woke up, had a shower, washed my hair. made some food for myself and was awake for a little bit then I dozed off again.

Now I woke up again, ate something, will take pills and sleep and hopefully when I wake up tomorrow my mum will be here and everything will be fine again.


My friend asked me if I knew anything more depressing than being alone at Christmas in a hotel. Well, try being alone with an operated eye.

This has been the most painful shit I have ever been through. All I could say to people when they called was "I am in fucking pain".


Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I am glad I have done this finally and next year can start without health stuff on my mind.

Be good and if you guys don't hear from me for a while its just because the light from the laptop hurts.

Lots of love,
Waffy.

The door...

"Its not as if the door is against you" my neighbour says, bursting into laughter.

"Yes, the door is against me, it hates me"

"Its just a simple stupid thing, you are angry for other reasons, its not only the door"

"Its the door. Why me?"

The door to my building is driving me crazy. I so wished I had a gun yesterday, I would have shot the fucking electronic keypad or whatever its called to pieces! My door is one of those that uses an electronic key. I came back home last Friday and it was not working. I wanted to call my neighbor to get him to open it for me but I realized my battery had died and I did not know his number off head.

I headed down to the nearby restaurant to ask if they had a battery charger and could charge my phone. Luckily for me, one of the guys had exactly the same kind of phone. I got my battery charged whilst I drank cider. Afterwards, my neighbour opened the door for me.

The whole weekend, it was the same thing. Normally, I could have also used my phone to open it but of course my phone was not registered or something so that was hopeless. Care taker's office is not opened at weekends so I had to suck it up and wait for Monday, that is, yesterday.

The guys at the office after a while give me a new key. They can't figure out why the old one does not work, everything looks fine and should work. Anyway, they give me a new one cos I insist its not working.

I get home yesterday, do you think it worked?

So there I stood, waiting outside in the cold about to ring my neighbour when I see someone about to enter the building followed some meters behind by two black guys. I realize immediately that the guys are Nigerians cos they were speaking pidgin English.

Anyway, so the first guy opens the door and so as not to let the door close behind him, I quickly hold it open so it does not jam. Now while I am holding the door with one hand and my bag with the other, these two guys, (maybe they thought it was my job to stand there and open doors for people????) just stroll past me, with me there, like an idiot opening the door for them. It was like I was totally invisible.

I was so pissed!!! I wanted to shout, "are you fucking kidding me????"

Anyway, so four of us are waiting for the elevator and suddenly I feel like I don't want to be in the same place with such rude people, so I took the stairs instead.

By the way, same thing happened while I was waiting for the bus. I was the first at the bus stop, waiting patiently. When the bus arrived, all of a sudden, some guys that had come after me, just maneuvered their way in front and got in before me whilst I was standing open mouthed by the side.

I realize its cold and everybody wants to get into the warmth but come on, some fucking decency!

Then I get home and that useless door.

I really feel like that door hates me. Everybody else's keys works, why not mine? Its very annoying.

Just another monday...

I slept like a log yesterday. All week I had been looking forward to sleeping.So many things on my mind and Christmas is not one of them. I avoid places that are near shopping malls although you can't miss the frantic shoppers on the trains and buses. Bags all around them, taking up all the space.

My friend bought all her gifts online. I thought it was a fantastic idea! Why go through all that browsing in shops with no destination? Madness.

Love life: I have stopped taking calls from potential lovers because I always have better things to do and it is hard to explain to them that my "better things" often involves reading books, writing or watching movies. They are just so uninspiring if you get my drift. They bore me. I have no lust for romance.

Well, I am boring myself these days so I really should not complain about others.

Have a good week and don't shop too much. Send cards instead, that's what I do.

Hold On...

Hold on people.

Life does get better if you hold on long enough.

Lots of love.

My friend went bananas...

I just came from a friend's place. I think she has lost it. She was screaming, banging her fist on the table, shouting right in my face, very aggressive. I can't even explain it. It was the worst scene and also the most dramatic scene I have ever been involved in. Totally unbelievable. But first, the details...

She was pissed off at her daughter's choir mistress. Why? Because the girl had been practicing for a huge concert which they had today by the way. Last week, when they had one of the rehearsals, my friend had called to say her daughter could not make it because she couldn't bring her herself and she can't ask the babysitter to do it because the person was already doing her big favour by babysitting. Choir mistress then suggested if the daughter could not be dropped off by another kid's mother (practically a neighbour). My friend then started screaming at the choir mistress and telling her that she has no right to tell her how she should fix a baby sitter, bla bla bla, that just because she is an immigrant does not mean she can not think for herself, etc etc etc.

When she told me this story, I understood why she got pissed but since I work with kids as well, I can also understand that if it is for something huge like a concert, the teacher perhaps was just anxious about the daughter's role for the concert and in my opinion, I don't think she necessarily meant anything bad.

Anyway, when my friend told me how she had screamed at the teacher, I simply said this:

"I understand why you were upset but If that had been me, I would not have taken it so seriously"

That's all I said.

She went off the handle.

She just went nuts. Screaming, crying, saying stuff about how I was on "the blonde bitch's" side. How "no bitch" should tell her that she has not seen "the whole picture", how she spends lots of money on babysitting every year...

But the biggest insult, here it is. The one that mothers always think will hurt you because you are not one. the one that for some fucking reason, they think will be a huge blow...

She said: "And anyway, you don't have a child"

All this while, mind you, I was just sitting and watching her. When she said that, I simply packed my things (I had to take the last bus anyway so its not as if I could stay longer) and said: "All these accusations are your own words. I have not said anything of all these things you are saying. I am your friend so I am always on your side but we are very different and I am just saying that I would have reacted differently had that been me. And anyway, this is totally unnecessary. Thank you for the dinner".

I can't even be angry because I think she has alcohol issues. She and another of her friends had finished a box of wine (you know those wine boxes...how many litres are they? whatever) and another bottle of something.

However, when she calls tomorrow, I am going to tell her that while I understand her issues, that will be the first and last time she ever screams at me and insults me for whatever reason.

I will take this but only this once.

She will have to apologize and then I will also suggest that we don't meet or contact each other for a while because I don't want to see her for some time.

If she does not want to apologize for whatever reason, I guess that will be it then.

I am not sad... just worried for her. That was totally crazy. It can't be normal to react like that.

I am tired.

Another radio favourite...

Yeah, wide awake.

5:09 am...

and awake.

I enjoy these times alone.

I enjoy spending this time in my own world, doing my own things.

When I leave my space, I also enjoy being in the outside world doing outside world stuff.

However, anytime I am here, its my little refuge from everything and everyone.

I don't have to worry about anybody else apart from myself and that's always a huge burden off my shoulders.

A friend asked me the other day how I can be so happy to be in both places. Well, the thing is, nobody ever forces me to be outside or come back inside. I do both because I want to. When I leave this place, I enjoy doing what I have to do outside and when I come back, I look forward to coming back and being by myself. Its quite simple actually.

My friend's daughter was here yesterday. I enjoyed her company but I was also looking forward to her leaving and having my space back.

I don't think I am extreme but I agreed with my friend that I don't really have any middle ground. In both places, outside and inside, I have to enjoy doing whatever it is I am doing or else it all falls to pieces.

Yeah, perhaps some people will understand it and perhaps they won't.

But who cares? Its my world and I can do whatever I want to do.

Europe's song for the winter.

Always on the radio, this is definitely the song for New Year... David Guetta is king of Europe.

"I'm gonna fucking kill myself!"

I was at this concert last month and I can never forget this guy who in a moment of pure ecstasy shouted "I'm gonna fucking kill myself"! It was all too much for him. I remember everybody around me just dying of laughter cos we could all feel his emotion...lol...anyway, so I finally found a clip of it. Anytime I remember this particular moment, I smile cos everybody around me was so fucking high on the music. The moment is at 2:03. Great memory.

When we were young, crazy and poor...

I read "just kids" by Patti Smith and then I thought of you.
I thought of John and Yoko Ono and I thought of you.
I thought of you when we were young, crazy and poor.
About how so many things did not turn out right
So many things I would rather forget
Fleeting nights in train stations
And all the things I did with you
Has it been so long now?
When we dreamt of places like Tibet and Las Vegas
Places where no one would find us
And we could do whatever we wanted
All those books we consumed
Now they tell me my eyes are destroyed
And that maybe I should regret those times
But the books were what kept us sane
And drove us away from our demons
I don’t know what you are doing now
But I thought of you when I read that book
Of the times when we were young, crazy and poor.

Hospital anxiety...

I hate going to hospitals...

Usssssssssssssssssssssh.

Anyway, I have to go whether I like it or not.

It sucks.

Music for the night...

Not sleeping.

Thinking about lots of stuff.

Some strange movie on TV.

Feeling that weird feeling that I have to move...I don't know why...like I need to relocate for some time....but if I do, what would that I mean? That I have no idea whatsoever where I am supposed to live?

My friend who relocated to London says he finally found where he is supposed to be. He has moved three times.

But I don't like London...

I just haven't found my place on earth. Which just means perhaps I have to search harder, travel more,maybe its out there somewhere just waiting for me...

I do like Croatia though...

Anyway, whatever. I'll just listen to music and suck it up as Americans would say...but my sister thinks I was born in the wrong era, she thinks I am trapped in the wrong body. She is sure that I should have been born in California during the hippie movement. I would have been a surfer, I would have played the guitar and sat around bonfires, high as a kite.

Maybe New York? I am kinda feeling New York these days...

I should just listen to music and suck it up.

November...

Riding my bicycle in the cold is an experience. I think I sweat more in the cold than in the heat. I was drenched.

Things are okay even if financially, I should be worried. But what to do?

I can't believe its already the end of the year. The last three years have been tough but my friend Tina believes 2012 is going to be a great year for everybody. I feel it too.

I have a serious craving for alcohol.

I have borrowed books as usual but have not had time to read them.

I'll try to read them during the week.

What else?

Nothing.

Girl stuff...

What to make of this? Please someone that is good at understanding the minds of men, help out cos I don't really get it.

1. Met someone, had great time, perfect day, was supposed to meet next day, he called saying "I can't". So never met for planned date.

2. Did not hear from him for about a week. Then suddenly he calls and wants to meet up.

3. Met up with him and had "ok" day and then again, he disappears. I don't hear from him for more than a week.

4. Now this time, I called to check what was up, we make another date. He calls and cancels.

5. A week later, he calls and wants to meet but I say I am traveling so its not possible.

6. Today he calls and asks if we can meet. I tell him I am not comfortable with all this date planning and disappearing act of his cos it just makes me very uncomfortable not knowing what he is up to. So I decide to be honest with him. I tell him that I am not meeting him because there is a possibility of having sex and if that's what he wants then we can as well stop playing games cos its just wasting both our times, however, if he wants to meet up to get to know me better, then its okay but I can't do all that "disappearing" shit. Anyway, he says its just a big misunderstanding and its mostly because he has been very busy and if it makes me feel better then, we can meet on whatever "terms" I want. I tell him just getting to know him works for me. He says then that's what we will do then. However, what's up with all that cancelling all the time and never calling? I don't know. I am not totally convinced that he is being honest with me.

7. At the same time, I feel like I should perhaps give him a chance.

8.But I seriously don't have time for complicated shit at the moment.

9. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

10. To meet him or not?

Back in town...

Was away for a while.

Quite a bit happened but I am not in the mood to write it all down.

Had some very good moments and some not so good.

Happy to be back in my little space.

Its not much but its mine.

Met an old friend. Will write more on that another day when I can compose exactly the feelings that I had in me.

Thoughts at the moment: Tired and can't really deal with anything that requires my brain. I don't want to make any decisions. I think I am hungry.

Lots of love.

Good night.

Just something...

He walked beside me. Fast, very fast. He does not look at me. We are going to the same place but it seems my presence makes no difference. I begin to feel invisible. Why don't you see me?

But soon enough, my mind takes over and I also begin to drift away. I forget that he is beside me, I start to hum inside and I feel the wind on my face. He says he is cold. I am not sure I care, one way or the other. Now I don't see him either.

Then we arrive and he is normal again. He sees everybody, talks to everybody. I feel good, it does not matter if he sees me or not. Other people see me. Other people smile at me. I smile at them. A woman I have only met a couple of times offers to pay for something for me.

I don't know what to say. I tell her she is nice. She says "I am not at all nice".

A guy that I have always been meaning to talk to is in deep conversation with someone else. I try to catch his eye but they are speaking in French. I forget about him too, after a while.

I eat one cookie after another and observe everything around me. I don't have anybody to talk to, but it does not matter. I have drifted away again.

Then I discover the sweets. I start to eat them too. I try all the sorts. The guy sitting next to the sweets laughs at me. He thinks it is funny.

When we leave the place, again, he is silent. He ignores me as if we had not arrived together or left together. He almost forgets to say goodbye.

I wonder what kind of a person he is but I can't be bothered to do my usual analysing...

I run to get the bus.

Now I am home and hungry.

Oh What a World...

Heard this at the gym and liked it so much, so sharing...its wonderful, isn't it?

Its like this...

I am thinking I must be the most boring person on earth this friday. There is nothing to do. Nobody to visit.

I wish somebody would just call me out of the blue and invite me to some house party or something.

You know, like those kind of house parties Dr Dre and Snoop used to have...full of people just grooving, food, beer, music. You know everybody and everybody knows you. You get in the room and everybodys hailing you...

Damn. I have to convince my friend to have a house party when she moves to her new house. With dress code and all... 90's hiphop. Which reminds me of my brother and his obsession with Snoop and Dre. Morning till night, he would listen to Snoop. Used to drive everybody crazy.

A nice mood...

All my childhood friends in Nigeria are getting married left, right and center. There will be no singles left by the end of the year. Just talked to my brother's childhood best friend who has always been my number one hang out buddy back home and now, he too is getting married. The only thing I could think of was "who will I hang with when I go home?" but at the same time, I am quite positive for them cos that's what they all want, dream of, so in a way, it's their dreams coming true, and isn't that what we all wish for? For dreams to come true?

I feel better today so I am going back to the gym. I have been quite fucked up the last days so it will be fun to have some energy again.

What is new? Nada! Life is okay. Doing what I have to do which is all life can ask of me at the moment.

Stay cool, live life, be good.

Dreaming...

Dreaming intensely again.

Although I am too lazy to write them down.

Ah! my wonderful subconscious going into overload...

Tired?

So my body has been totally fucked up these past two days. I don't understand what is happening. Is it the winter? Am I going to be sick? Am I tired? Am I going to be depressed?

I have been sleeping a lot which is quite unusual. As you all know, I am not really a "sleeper".

Okay, I worked during the weekend but still, that's not enough for my body to crash as if there is no tomorrow.

Anyway, what's new?

Nothing much over here, except went through a "mini" heartbreak. Not a big one, cos after I slept and woke up, the world was back in balance, but still, my heart hurt for some hours. Somebody "played" with my feelings. By constantly inviting me out and then calling last minute to take a rain check...it was quite absurd. My friend Tina thinks maybe he read "the game" or something. Anyway, so that got me. I just wanted to scream "I AM A GOOD PERSON! I DO EVERYTHING RIGHT, WHY CAN'T THE WORLD GIVE ME A BREAK?". Anyway, after realizing that the guy was probably an asshole, life was good again.

Maybe that's why i feel tired. All those fucking emotions...

Anyway, all is well that ends well.

Love.

Saturday....

Had breakfast.

Took a walk.

Talked on phone with friends.

Had coffee with friend on bench and got some sunlight.

Now I am going to the gym. Not enough time to eat so I guess I will eat after gym, and then off to work.

Tomorrow I will write and sleep. Now I have to go.

Lots of love.

At the gym today...

I was so shocked when this song came on...haven't heard it in years!

I enjoyed it so much...no particular memory, but it just felt so familiar..

Back in business...

I feel like my old self.

Like when I was a teenager and everything was possible (Like learning all the dance steps on MTV tapes and feeling like a super dancer, even though now when I look back, I know I sucked big time, but in my mind, I was just too super cool. Damn, those were the days!)

I feel like I should change my name and just be somebody brand new.

But hey, I wouldn't be this new person without having been that old one, right?

Why God why?

And now they are showing "Schindler's list".

I know I will suffer...this film will kill me...God give me strength. Why can't I just put off the damn TV?

God, how I hate sad films...

I was just clicking away on TV and got stuck in a scene in the movie, "my sister's keeper", Jesus. My whole heart hurts. I feel so sad that I feel like throwing up. I seriously hate watching movies with these extremely heart-wrenching scenes. Jesus, its like somebody put a knife in my stomach and just kept twisting and twisting...God, that was a sad scene. The girl in the hospital, about to die and the mum lies down beside her...

I broke down, men...

Thank God its over. I seriously can't take so much sadness in life. No more TV for me. I am gonna go read a book or something...

Some Persian news...

So today the Persian called and sounded really upset. He wanted to know what he was to me...

Chineke, God Of Africa, what kind of question is that?

First of all, when I asked him that some months ago, he said, it did not matter, that I was his "friend", so why is HE asking me now?

"Waffy, tell me, what am I to you? am I your friend, your boyfriend or what? I want to know who I am beside you".

I told him that he gets the same reply he gave me before.

He is angry cos he called me last week and I said I would call back and I never did...

"You said you will call back, its been one week since then" he said.

"And?" I replied.

"That is your reply..."and"?

"Yeah..."and"?

It was then he went off into the speech of who he was to me.

I told him to call me back when he was in a good mood.


He should go and rest. All this drama this early evening...

Inspired...

Listening to music and totally inspired to write well today. All of a sudden, nothing else matters anymore except getting my stuff done, doing my best and being satisfied. I still have so much work to do and I know that I can do it as far as I stop being distracted with all these little worldly things.

I enjoy what I do and I am so grateful that I can get so much satisfaction from such a simple process.

The world out there is full of intrigue and I am curious but I am also curious about creating my own stuff. And in the end, I think I am more curious about my creativity and the whole process than having a bit of worldly romantic stuff that is not always reliable or stable.

How on earth can I even compare the two?

I don't want to be distracted. I can't afford to be distracted.

That's why, my dear man, you do what you wanna do. Say what you wanna say, live your life the way you wanna live it, as for me...

I have stuff to do.

Therapy for my soul...

I wish I was someone that you could love too...

But I am not and its okay.

Today was the perfect day...

Words are not enough.

5:15 am...

Came home late from a party. I made one friend who I think will become a good friend. She is about my age and we could not get enough of each other. We just had a connection that was strong. All the guys were jealous and tried getting into our little space but we were inseparable. We left together as well and had a lovely time taking shit about men.

Got home and then chatted with an old friend on skype. Talked about stuff. Mostly our past stuff. Had no good advice except "life is whatever, men, just take it as it comes". I don't know, I wish I could be more of a help but sometimes I really don't know what to say. As far as we are all alive, we are all heroes. Most things will solve anyway. It will be okay. I hope.

Its not that I am sure of anything but really, what use is there worrying? I just can't worry any more about the future. I have spent too many years and too much time and energy worrying about it. I am spent.

I am not worrying anymore.

Whatever, men.

Whatever.

2:47 and awake...

On my mind:

Music.

Beauty.

Soul.

Tragic.

Hope.

Inspiration.

Vulnerable.

Tender heart.

Dreaming.

Wishing.

Love.

Life.

Thank you.

Somebody stop me...

Okay, in just one week, I have hit on three different guys. Gone on one date, going on another on sunday. I don't know how this madness came on, all of a sudden, my mouth just says "do you want to have coffee sometime?". But best of all, I don't feel any commitment to any, I just want to go out and have some fun, meet people, socialise, etc. I am not looking for "love" or the other culprit, "romance". I am sort of in a "fluffy" mood so I don't really want to discuss the problems of the world at the moment or any other serious stuff. Life matters, man/woman problems, I am just not in that space. Last date, the guy is seriously into politics. "For as long as I have been alive, this has been my passion". His words. I swear. All I could say was "Damnnnnnnnn, thats hardcore". I gave him my two cents on corruption and I guess he was impressed cos I got a mail from him saying how much he enjoyed our talk and we must make it "longer" next time. But that is how life is, when you are looking for something more than fun, you never find it and when you are looking for just fun, all of a sudden this person that likes to discuss world problems comes along. I have to admit, halfway through his explanation of yet another social or cultural factor, all I wanted to say, was "did you say you can danse salsa?"

Half awake...

There's something about today. Its like I am in a dream or something. Its cold. I keep thinking I am dreaming when I am awake and awake when I am dreaming. The sun is reddish, I painted my nails orange on the bed. I am listening to the radio. Everything feels so familiar and at the same time not really real. I ate a good lunch thinking that will make me feel a bit "fresh" but I still feel sort of drowsy. At the same time, I keep thinking of somebody's laughter. It was a very strange laughter. Genuine, from the heart. Its the guy that cut my hair. His laughter is stuck on my mind. He told me he went on holiday for two months but ended up staying for one whole year. We both bursted out laughing when he said that and we could not stop for a long time. I don't know what was so funny. And I kept laughing because his laughter was infectious. When he laughed, he looked straight in your eyes and laughed with you. I woke up today smiling because I remembered how happy he looked laughing.

Nice...

My eye problem is finally gonna be solved! One of my eyes has serious astigmatism and I was there last year and they made me do all kinds of tests and then they said I would have to have a "hard contact" lens on that eye so I got scared and never went back, after paying for all those expensive tests.

Anyway, got a call from a very nice lady at the hospital today who said they had been reviewing my journal and saw that my journal seemed "irregular" and she doubts if I would need "hard plastic" (I still don't even know what the fuck that means)but it was important that I have something to help me, etc etc, so now I am booked for a new consultation with a very very nice lady.

Truth is, I would NEVER have called or gone back there and this has really been on my mind for the past year, that I should do something about it. I know they might say the eye is "worse" and it will all be my fault. I know that but at least, the issue will get some resolution and it can be one more thing off my mind.

Thank you life. I must be doing something right these days.

Cos its raining...

Waiting for the rain to stop...

If only I was a teenager...

October already...

Ah! This life is just time...your clock starts ticking and then one day it stops. Jesus. I should stop looking at clocks or I'll go crazy.

What's new? Nothing much except I have returned to the gym...

The gym is an interesting place. The other day I was just putting my stuff into a locker only to be confronted by a pussy in my face. I don't understand how people do it. They just stand there, stark naked in very close proximity. I am telling you, an inch futher and it could have touched the tip of my nose. I don't get why she could not have moved a bit or tie a towel or wear her panties. And it was a very short spanish speaking girl with bow legs. She was just chatting there with her friends. There was just something bare about her. I mean there were other naked women in the room but maybe it was the bow legs...anyway, it was a rude shock.

So, I am in "aches and pains". Sore all over. I actually forgot that all that stuff hurts.

OOps. I gats to go...time waits for no man.

Have a good month and a good week. Love. Yeah, enjoy some soul. God knows we all need a little sugar in our lives...listen and pretend you are somewhere else, doing something else...except you wanna be right where you are, then just enjoy.

I don't mind but...

This is the second time this kind of thing is happening to me. Some months ago, my phone rang and it was "so and so gave me your number he said you could maybe help me"...

Today, it was a friend of mine who phoned to say another friend of hers had an emergency and needed help with some writing assignment...

I don't mind helping MY friends and even strangers but sometimes people just demand so much time and energy...

So this person I am supposed to help, comes and she does not really allow me help...mostly she wants to do it herself but perhaps just needed someone that thinks calmly. I eventually figured out how to help her but it would have gone faster if she did not keep interrupting me and being so forceful. She kept saying stuff like "I am stubborn"...

Its hard to help people you don't know cos you don't know what approach to take with them. If it was my friend, I would just have said "do you want me to help you or not? cos if you want help, then shut the fuck up"...

Also, I just think its a bit presumptious to assume I would like to help THEIR friends...where do I know them from?

People just demand stuff they have no right to.

I know I could have said no, but sometimes its hard when people use words like "emergency"...

Positive Vibration

Just wishing you all love and peace. Keep on keeping on!

For whoever needs it...

This song is so beautiful I almost wish I had unrequited love...where was it when I needed it?

Anyway, just in case there's anybody out there suffering...you see, so many go through this business of unrequited love, its just one of those things... so keep your head up.

Love.

Library...why can't I do right by you?

Its a pity. I really thought this autumn will be better. That I would start my season of borrowing with a good and clear conscience. So I paid off all my debts and started afresh. I am always ashamed when I look at my borrowing history. Always late. Never early. Always borrowing. Never returning.

I knew I had one book in my possession but I was not ready to return it yet so there it stood. On the other piles of books in the corner, accumulating dust and debt.

And now I am owing again. But worst of all, I can't borrow the other books I had set my mind on.

Ah! I feel quite irritated with myself. I don't want to fall back into old habits...

Anyway, apart from that, I feel quite okay.

Have a good week and be good.

Love.

Missing so many things...

Saw the other day on the internet that Christy Essien Igbokwe is dead. Awwwwwwww... another part of my childhood, gone.

Too bad. Really, its too bad. I think I need to eat some Nigerian food or something...

Early...

Totally quiet in the building. Except for me and my radio. I always wonder what people do when they just wake up...farmers, little kids, patients in hospitals, fishermen, lawyers etc. Its like one of those things that can look either extremely beautiful or completely and totally sad. Early mornings are such lonely times and depending on how you see it, can be the best part of the day or the worst part. It can be "what a beautiful morning" or "shit! am I still alive? great, another day in this mad world!".

As for me though, I am just proud of myself for sleeping six hours without waking up. Its a miracle.

This new schedule must be working...

Hope you all have a great week. Listen to lots of music, eat good food, talk to friends, enjoy your family, etc etc. All that good stuff.

Love.

Thoughts on a saturday...

Have you ever woken up and all of a sudden knew exactly what you had to do? I don't know when last I had such clarity of mind. Maybe when I was in boarding school. I used to wake up knowing exactly how I wanted my day to go and what time units I had to allocate for "punishment".

Well,I woke up from a dream in the begining of this month knowing exactly how I wanted this last part of the year to be, next year and in fact some part of my future. This never happens. Me, planning stuff.

Is this a part of my brain waking up, perhaps? Has it been asleep all this while?

Two people have remarked on my new found energy. My friend Maria, said to me the other day,"this sounds like the waffy I used to know" and the Persian, who also said "you know, these days, you are full of energy, always up to something". Take today, for example. I came to the library where I now have my office(Yes, my office is in the library. You may wonder why? Well, I happen to book a couple of hours each day in a private room with a computer. Its wonderful. I pretend this is really my office. The sad part is that you can't book many hours in a day). On getting here, I realised I forgot as usual, my code. Now, the normal me, would have given up. Okay, well another day. But no, not this new person. I went back home, got the code and now I have been here doing some good work.

Anyhow, so now I actually have a working schedule. For work, for writing, for exercise, for reading, for cooking, for shopping. I am telling you. I am on the roll here.

In fact, I am going to get a calender and start ticking off stuff as the day goes by.

If only I could get a good sleeping pattern...everything would be perfect.

Happy weekend.

P.S: We'll see how long this schedule lasts...he he he he

Love.

In a reggae mood...

Yeah, when I am gone from reggae for a while, my return is always so sweet...

HAPPY WEEK!

Busy, busy week.

Feel quite okay.

Feeling positive.

Reading a lot.

Writing.

and back to riding my bicycle before winter sets in.

Hope you are all okay and life is treating you guys well. Here's a wonderful song for the week. Starts at 1:03. I can't get enough of it!

Just sharing...

Watched the crossroads festival (2010) on TV and just loved this band and this song. Its so great. So I am sharing. I am so sorry I had never heard of them before. Well, now I do.




and here is the studio version.

Some energy for the week...

Stuff...

Today started out okay. Woke up quite early cos I could not sleep so I had time to dress up and leave without the usual time problems.

Anxiety: Forced myself to do something incredibly important even though I have been putting it off for ages. When that was done, I did not feel good. I thought I would get some sort of satisfaction but I did not.

An old "boss" called me out of the blue...all "a.s.a.p" and if I could rush in, emergency, bla bla bla...ehnnnnnnn a BIG FAT NO!!! That one has issues. I don't even know why she still has my number. I have erased hers months ago.

I feel tired. I think I used up all my will power to get just one thing done. Now I feel like I have to take a nap even though I drank lots of coffee. However, I feel a bit active than I have done since returning. I used my bicycle instead of taking the bus.

Anyway, I am exhausted.

Adios.

Patrice, surely, I can do better than just defend?

and you know it.

Discovered...

I discovered this band, "duman" at the culture festival last week and since then, I have had this tune in my head. I actually had to go through all their videos on youtube to find the song I was looking for since I had no idea of the name of the song or what it was about or anything. But I finally found it. They make good music. I ended up watching lots of their videos, the live shows were particularly good.




and this one is also good....

Song in my head...

Nothing much.

Thinking...

That I should try harder tomorrow...before time runs out like sand...do better.

Be good.

Something like that. Nothing too hard.

Welcome back!

After gone for almost a month, I returned yesterday morning. It had been a good month, spent mostly with my family and making new friends. I did not spend time with old friends as I thought I would. This did not bother me so much. Its the cycle thing. I am sure it was meant to be that way because I would not trade the moments I had with my new friends anyway.

I had expected to spend my first day alone but I had to go get my keys which I had left at a friends place. She in turn, had given it to her relative who works in a shop in the city so I dragged myself and my luggage across town to get it. He was super nice to me, told me "welcome back" and gave me a hug. This was quite refreshing. Nobody ever says "welcome" when I travel because nobody is ever waiting for me anywhere.

By the time I got back home, I was very tired. I was fast asleep when the Persian called to say he was coming over.

He arrived with a bouquet of red roses. They were red like blood and fat. They looked amazing.

"Welcome back" he said.

And then he gave me a basket of fruits (ha ha ha...not suprising as he always visits with fruits)and a birthday present. A gift card to a shop I like.

This made me incredibly happy.

Then he helped me clear out my fridge, find a vase for the roses and then we went to a nearby restaurant and had dinner.

Yeah, it was not so bad to come back after all. I had dreaded returning to the emptiness of my room...

Now I am listening to music and then I will go for a walk and perhaps buy ice cream.

Love.

I am 33 today.

I am 33 today and for this birthday, I have done things differently.

I am with my family. Safe and warm, I woke up in bed with my sister beside me. I have been here for a while now and I have been sleeping quite well these days.

The year has gone by so fast and my mind is so much stronger.

I have really worked hard on myself this year which I am proud of. I have done all the reading I wanted to, thought about things, made up my mind about things, faced up to stuff, etc etc.

I thought I had a lot to write about but now that I am actually sitting down to write, all I would like to say is that I am fine.

I am doing well, I feel good and I don't see how I could wish for anything more at the moment.

The best part about this birthday though is the realization that I really do know so many good people. When I look around me, I feel incredibly grateful to be able to be part of my world. I need to be more thankful about the wonderful people in my life. They are all incredibly special, original human beings and as I wish only the good stuff for myself on this day, I also hope and wish with all of my heart, only the good stuff for them.

And to my wonderful readers who are more like friends, I thank you all for sharing my world with me and for being part of my life. Even if it is this little bit on the internet.

Happy Birthday to me, and happy life to you all!

Lots of love
Waffy.

You can read my thoughts on turning 32 here, 31 here and 30 here.

Thinking...

We have seen some suffering baby...

But that's life.

The tune in my head...

Been cooking and listening to this...and drinking liquor...

My stuff...

I read...
I walk...
I write...
I eat fruits...
I listen to music...
I think about lots of stuff...

I don't meet too many people...
I don't talk to too many people...

I basically hang around with myself...and I don't care anymore what the couples around me think. I smile at them when I see them passing me by, hand in hand. Nobody ever stops to chat but we recognise ourselves from the lift, staircase and little shop nearby.

At first, I used to be so conscious of them looking at me, wondering what I am to, again...

But somehow, these weeks, I have become totally oblivious about most things around me...

Anyway, thats it.

P.S: Ventured out to the city on my cycle again even though I had thought I wouldn't be doing anymore of that this week. Its a wild wild west out there...

I am too complicated...

I can't stop it...

Today...

2 hours on bicycle to my friend's place on the other side of town.

Had lunch. Drank lots of coffee so I don't sleep on the way back. Left her place by 7o'clock.

Got home by 9:30.

So many dangers on the way. Other cyclists speeding like no man's business. People on their phones not paying attention to where they are going. Old people. Cars trying to park and almost hitting cyclists. Buses. Taxis.

Lord have mercy.

I was forced to get down many times and walk cos everybody just seemed to be crazy this evening.

At one point, there were two cyclists talking and cycling side by side blocking the narrow cycling path while a third who was also with them was on the phone and zig zagging beside them so I could not get past any of them because beside the two idiots talking were cyclists coming from the opposite direction. To top it all, we got to a crossing where an old couple was trying to make it to the other side while at the same time a taxi was trying to turn or something...

I was wondering if they were all normal...for real...was I the only one seeing that this was a potential accident? What is wrong with these people?

I made it back home safely but it took total concentration not to hit someone or get hit by another.

Oh boy...

The good news is that I don't have bed bugs at my place! Yipeeeeeeeeee. There was a scare earlier this year going around cos some guys down the corridor had beg bugs so now they are checking the whole building. I have to admit, I have been living in a state of paranoa since then...any itch I get, I begin to think I have bed bugs...any little bite, bed bugs, any sleepless night, bed bugs.

And now, they tell me, they is no trace of such...

and I fell in love with one of the bed bug guys...

Damn...I kept asking questions so they won't go away...and I think he could guess cos he was also just taking his time to answer my extremely stupid questions. I seriously don't know how to flirt...I made a damn fool of myself.

But damn, that guy was cute.

Thinking of...

Life. And love.

Still going...

With this beautiful weather has come my companion, insomnia. Even though I actually try to do lots of stuff during the day so I can be really tired when I get home, still, all night, I toss and turn until I finally give up and just sit up.

Yesterday, I tried everything possible (except sleeping pills) but nothing worked. If this keeps up, my brain is going to reverse back to its usual destructive tendencies...

However, I am grateful for many things this week. I have been admiring myself this week. In fact, I am in awe of myself. When I think about how strong I have been this year, facing up to stuff and really trying my best despite all my crap,(emotional baggage, insomnia, past, mind always on fast foward, worry about future, sensitivity, dreadful migraines etc) I can't help but feel quite happy and grateful that I am who I am.

I am not perfect but I wouldnt want to be anybody else.

The only thing I need to do is perhaps socialize more. But I am really trying my best. And later, I will be with my family so its not so bad. That will make up for these days of being totally alone.



Yep, I just have to keep going...is there any other alternative?

The only thing on radio is:

At any given time, it does not matter when, this summer, the only thing on radio is this:



Or



Or this



Or



Or

Listening to...

She always makes me feel like I am in a dream world or something...all I wanna do now is drink a cocktail and wear some fancy dress with red lipstick...

Cool...

Nothing much...listening to music...old and new...

I am okay. A bit slow these days...a bit bored...I need some new books or something...

Any suggestions? Anything new and exciting out there? anything worth reading?

and some feel good soul...

All my looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove....

Finally fixed my bicycle!

So I finally did it.

I walked up to my neighbour and asked him if he could help me with my bicycle. He is good at fixing things...as I heard.

So he helped me fix it. It was not a huge problem as you can imagine. Just one of those really tiny problems that my floating mind can not really grasp.

Then I went for a long ride. Oh, the joy! It was really sunny and wonderful.

Its been a long winter for my bicycle as well. First, it was parked at a train station until december then when I moved here, I parked it outside my building. So its been out all winter. Everything looks rusty but its working fine.

Now all I have to do is get myself to start jogging again...

If only I could do that, I swear I would be happy...normally its starting things thats the problem...if I could only just start, I normally stay on to the middle part and then finishing stuff is always a problem.

So basically, I am a middle kind of person. The middle is never a problem. I am hardcore there. But try and get me to start or finish anything...

Its an issue man. I should get some therapy for that.

Which reminds me, I saw one of my old drama profs the other day just by mistake. I turned around to ask for the time, and there she was! I was so embarassed cos I was one of her shining students but do you think I ever sent her my end exam paper? ha ha ha ha...you guessed right!

Anyway, so we talked a bit and she told me she still wanted me to send it in and that I could still get my points, I was like "whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"

Which blew me away cos I never really bothered to check if I could or not. I just assumed I could not.

I explained to her about my "finishing stuff" disease and she said she had it too, so I should not worry.

And music for the soul. Love.

A summer of writing...

Yep.

That's all I will be doing this summer.

Writing.

Doesn't that sound lovely?

But before then, I still have one more week of reality to deal with.

And then, its off to fantasy land! I can't wait.

This will probably be the summer before the rest of my life which will henceforth be known as the last summer of my old life. I am not waiting for a new year to begin a whole new life again. No way. My new season starts from september.


And now, my all time favourite summer song. I listen to this like crazy every summer. I cant imagine that people don't listen to this and sip cocktails or just lie in the sun...which reminds me that I have to visit the reggae record store. I havent been there in ages! I am not sure I have even been there this year at all. Dammmmmmmmmmmmn. Thats really too bad.

Just stuff...

Tired.

It must be all this walking up and about.

Need to write as soon as I can settle down.

I think I and my friend have covered every philosophical topic there is to cover...

Talking about stuff feels good. I should do it more often but it has left me a bit drained....maybe I talked too much. I always feel guilty when I talk too much. Like I have made a fool of myself...

I feel good.

But she is leaving today.

I am a bit sad but I just have to be grateful anyway...

and that's where I am today. Sad but grateful.

Girl stuff...

Okay. A good friend of mine (a guy) just said this to me...

"I want to slide down the rainbow with you". What does this mean?

a)I want to take you for a ride

b)I like you

c)Why don't we fall in love?

d)It means nothing

Background: Good friends for years. Know each other quite well. But haven't seen each other for years. Contact again. All grown up. Innocent flirting.

I am leaning towards B or D...

Dream and laugh with me...

So my friend from this post is around and we might soon be thrown out of every bar or restaurant we visit because of our laughter.

We have the same kind of humour, so you can imagine. Everything is funny. We see the same things and laugh at the same things which means my usual "silliness" (as my mother calls it) is now double cos we seriously edge each other on, non stop. There are no breaks in the madness...

We dream and laugh like thats all there is to do in life.

And I don't want to wake up...

Cos there are lovers everywhere...

Every summer, I ask the same question: Where were all the lovers during the winter?

Now its summer and it feels like Julio is at every corner...

Just a girl in a man's world...

I didn't make it, suga
Playin' by the rules


Doing laundry and listening to music...

Perhaps I was the only one laughing...

Things are pretty much okay. Or rather, as expected.

Drank some wine with a friend yesterday and the Persian dropped by. My friend then proceeded to interrogate him as if we were in some African village somewhere and a man had just come to ask for my hand in marraige.

Thank God I was drunk because it was quite embarassing. I think at one point she even asked "what are your intentions" or something equally irritating. I wanted die but thank God for the wine, because after a while, I actually began to enjoy the drama that was unfolding before my eyes. The Persian was looking straight at me and sitting upright while my friend was nodding away in deep concentration. They both seemed so serious.

At that point, looking at my friend and the Persian, I began to wonder if I was the only one laughing?

And some hip hop...

I listen to hiphop when I have to get into my hustler mood.

So I can feel like I am hardcore, which is how I HAVE to be sometimes to get through stuff.

Especially when I am feeling extremely tired and I just want to lie down right in the middle of the street and say "whatever happens, let it happen. I ain't taking one more fucking step".

Just when I am about to make this dramatic performance on the road, I start humming some hiphop song and pretend I am some hardcore hustler...

It works, you should try it.

P.S: Today, I washed some underwear by hand cos I did not want to put it in the machine. Anyway, sun was really shining and I was thinking I should just hang it by my window...but I was not sure if the people in the opposite building would see it...after thinking for a while, I decided to just hang it. And just as I did, I heard a whole bunch of whistling and laughter! When I looked across, the window of the apartment opposite mine was open and there were a couple of guys looking at me and drinking beer. I wanted to die!!!

New stuff...

Fruits in bowl (I don't buy fruits cos they just go rotten but Persian guy eats lots of fruits...so he has that...a huge bowl with fruits always on his living room table. It reminds me of the movie "Samson and Delilah").

Turkish music.

Some kind of pure sugar on a stick. Looks like a lollypop. Its for tea.

The constant tea drinking.

Dates (the fruit).

I don't mind all this new stuff. In fact, its quite comforting. Eating fruits and pretending I am in a desert somewhere in some kind of love story...wearing all that silky stuff floating in the desert breeze...while my knight in shining armour feeds me red grapes...

Another "tired" day...

I have been very tired lately. Which reminds me of my terrible winter when that nasty bacterial infection caused chronic fatigue. It was the most terrible thing I have every experienced. But let me not think about that...

I am having my period and feeling very uncomfortable and disgusted with myself and everything around me. I have had a shower twice today already.

I am just irritated.

Maybe I am just tired because I have been travelling a lot around the city lately. I often have to change buses, trains...almost everyday. Sometimes I miss the bus then I have to walk and then miss my next connection etc etc... Maybe that's whats got me so beat. I don't know. In fact, looking back at all the places I have been last week and how many times, I seriously don't know how I manage. I just block my mind and get into robot mode if not, I'd feel sorry for myself.

I can't stand my hair especially. It looks frizzy and dead.

I wore ear rings today to try and feel better but it just felt like dead weight on my ears so I removed them.

I hope its just cos of my hormones cos I really feel like crap. I don't feel sick though...

Just irritated and disgusted...

My friend once told me about a beautiful sunny day, when she and her guy were walking in a beautiful park, and in the moment of beauty, they stopped and kissed...

and an old woman sitting on a bench nearby squeezed her face and almost spat out the word DISGUSTING!

I feel like I could be that old woman today...

Too Afraid To Love You...

I don't want to hurt anyone.

I hate being a mean person cos I am not mean.

But I can't just let loose and enjoy anything...

And I don't want to punish anyone for another's sins...

I can't relax, you know.

The only thing I think about all the time is

"I can't afford to lose one more teardrop from my eye"

I am so fucked, men.

Tired...

I feel so tired.

So I am watching some Naija music with Terry G to give me some energy...

Yep. I like that mad man Terry G.

Happy Weekend!

Have a great weekend guys!

Lots of love

and remember, you are wonderful.

Note the trees have time to blossom, change their leaves

It would be wrong of me to keep holding unto who I used to be...

I can hide all I want but the seasons have changed.

I need to shed my cocoon but its scary...

Cos even though the cocoon was suffocating, at least, it was safe.

But as Bob Marley says, even the trees have time to blossom, change their leaves.

I used my time well. And I guess its time to change my leaves.

Whether I like it or not, its time to get back into the groove of life.

I have to go with the flow...and be this new healthy minded person...

Thats what I have to do. After all, I did the hardwork, I might as well begin to enjoy life...

Life is mine.

Totally weird...

How could this be? Okay, so last week, I put my bank card in the cash machine and all of a sudden, I realised that I was punching in my old code...so I stopped. I tried to remember my new one which I have been using for some time now. Maybe three months or so. I used the old one for many years...

So I decided to just let it be...that I am sure it would come back to me. All this while, I have had cash so it was not really a problem. Then today I thought I had remembered the code so I tried again but its a wrong code. No matter how hard I try, it just won't come back.

And I can't find the paper I got from the bank with the code on it. I can find the envelope with which I recieved the damn code but not the paper (by the way, why I keep empty envelopes is beyond me...that is certainly an issue to be analysed. I have stacks of opened enveopes...let me not even say "opened"...actually, "torn" or "ripped" apart...)

This is totally freaking me out. Why can't I remember my code?

The thing is I have so many fucking codes for all kinds of things...its no wonder this one has just taken a hike from my brain. Last week I had to learn a new code for another door again...maybe when I memorised that one my bank code was replaced.

and where is that paper? I know I did not throw it away...its here somewhere...

UPDATE: Found the paper. It was in a bag that looked like it was meant to be thrown away...at least the paper bag looked like I had gone through all the papers that were in it...ehhhhhh...that was just the appearance. Inside, there are some serious documents men...why did i just dump important papers in a brown paper bag that looked like it should be thrown away? Jesus!

Morning mummy blues...

So I just saw my friend totally flip out on her daughter. She got angry cos her daughter was watching TV when she should have been dressing up for school...

Men, she just lost it and started screaming at her...

I work with kids so nothing of that sort ever disturbs me.I am sometimes alone with 15 screaming kids that never listen to anything you say. You can say the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over again...you will lose your mind if you have a short fuse.

Plus, I worked for a long time with autistic kids and now with kids that have adhd...ha ha ha ha, "normal kids" for me is just "holiday" time. At least, you are not in danger of being beaten or kicked or scratched or have your eyes plucked out...

I babysit the girl often and I have been here for some days now having abandoned my apartment for a guest. The girl is an angel. She is no problem at all. But that's what I also thought about myself when my own mum used to scream at us every morning. I used to think, "what the fuck is her problem?"(By the way, now my mum denies ever screaming at us like that. In her mind, she was always patient...right! She used to go nuts at us right before we leave the house for school. It was crazytime at our home every morning. My dad was always like how I am now. If you don't do as he says, thats your problem. If you don't comb your hair, ehen, you will go to school like that. Which is how I am. I don't sweat the small stuff...nobody will die from those imperfect little details...)

My analysis of today's morning is that my dear friend is stressed because she is running late. Its totally her fault and not the kid's but like all mothers, they just scream in the mornings...I think its a biological thing. They need to get angry to get things rolling...

I feel a bit guilty though cos I should have said something to the child when she put on the TV but I seriously did not think it was a problem. Her mum was busy going nuts in the kitchen and the girl was basically just hanging around waiting to be taken to school...

Anyway, I need to get going. I need to be out of here before my friend returns and also starts screaming at me.

Good morning.

Life matters, logic, hate, "anonymous", etc

The wise discuss ideas,
The fools discuss how people behave.

Paulo Coelho


If there is anything I absolutely DESPISE is people trying to involve me in shit that does not have anything to do with my world. Those that have been coming to this blog for years already know me and the kind of life I live. Its very simple. I live mine and you live yours. What people do in their own lives, I have absolutely no need to know neither am I bothered by it. Everybody has their own path to live and thats what I believe.

One of the main issues I had when living in Nigeria is the extremely low level attitude towards life that many people have. No offense to anyone but thats how I see it. I absolutely despise this whole conniving, hate and malicious shit people say about each other. People would just come up to you and start talking shit about people you dont know and even if you did know them, is not your business ( I once was on a journey with three ladies who had a couple of mags with them. I swear for the whole journey, all they did was turn the pages of the mags, abuse all the women in it, from head to toe. You can not imagine how many hours of hate I had to sit through. That was perhaps by far, one of the worst days of my life. I was so sad that women had nothing else to do with their brains than just insult one woman after another. At the end of the journey, I asked them if they actually knew any of the women in the mags they had. Of course they did not! To devote so much time and energy on people you don't know, defies logic, at least, in my world. I just don't get it).

My brain is very precious to me, I use it for only productive matters. I seriously do not have any brain capacity for such extremely shallow issues. And even if I had a bit of space for it, then it will be something to do with my own life and not others, be they family or friends.

It is something that I have never understood and still can not understand that kind of level of shallowness, In my own universe, it does not exist. It is just beyond my scope of understanding.

For the past couple of days, somebody has been leaving very nasty messages on my blog. Now, if these messages were meant for me, perhaps they would make some sort of sense. But they are for someone else.

I do not know why this person is leaving comments here when they can contact whoever they wish to directly. There is email, facebook, twitter, if you google the person's name, you will also find a blog.

So why come on here to stalk another human being? It makes no sense.

Also, why can't the person just deal with his/her issue properly? If you have an issue with someone, the proper and sensible thing to do is to confront the person directly and discuss what your matter is.

All this going around stalking, leaving comments here and there, on some sort of "hate rampage", is just the coward's way out.

Be brave, say who you are and confront the person. Cowardice will get you no where in life. If you really feel so strongly about somebody that you can devote time and energy to the person, then you might as well do it properly. What's the point otherwise?

But like I said in the begining, Naija life for me, defies logic. People would rather spend hours, days, years, gossiping and spreading hate than directly dealing with their problems. If only people would use that energy for themselves, they would achieve much more than they actually do. Imagine having so much energy but a postive one and using it on yourself? One could get so much done in life...


Maybe people just enjoy that sort of thing. I don't know. In my opinion, such hate and anger(and more often than not, motivated by envy)is destructive and very unhealthy for the soul. Nobody should bear such hate within them. It is a burden that nobody needs.

Anyway, thats it for today.

Easter is over. Back to life.

Peace.

What I actually did...yesterday...

Yesterday turned out to be pretty good.

I washed my hair like I said I would, then I met my friend Maria for lunch. We had Sushi and drank wine.

Then I hung out the Persian. He drank whiskey and coke and I drank some more wine. We went for a long walk in the forest...

Then we went to his place where he cooked rice and some Persian chicken sauce. It was quite good.

And now I am eating ice cream...

So even though I did not spend Easter with family, I had a great time after all...

By the way, I started meditating again and it feels really good.

Love to all. Hope you all had a good easter.

Today...

Woke up.

I should get breakfast.

Something good.

Drink a cup of coffee.

Take a walk.

Maybe take a shower first?

Wash my hair...

Yep...I should probably do that...

P.S: The Persian is probably coming over to hang out today. Something to look forward to. I have been a bit bored.

Easter reminds me...

Of Nigeria and my father....

Music, food, visitors and laughter.

Our house was always full during any celebration period... all sorts of people.

I hope you are all okay and having a good time.

I miss my father terribly. But I always have music to remind me of him. And now I want to cry...

But life is as it is, we shall be grateful all the same.

Why am I so hopeless?

Why do say these things? Its terrible.

The truth of the matter is that I am having a relaxing time at home. My plan was to "maybe" cook Nigerian food and maybe not...its too hot for soup...

Anyway, so the Persian calls and we chat briefly. He says something about going to the gym...and I ask if he is coming to visit after gym? He says no, he doesn't feel so good so he'd rather go to the gym...

And what do I say?

"So you'd rather go to the gym than be with me?

and he now he says he is coming over. I told him I was only joking. One of my useless jokes. It doesn't even mean anything. But no, now he is coming over. I insited many times that he should not, cos anyway, I was planning to go and do some shopping at the African shop...but all my pleads fell on deaf ears...

Now he is on the way here.

Why am I so hopeless?

Another cool song for the summer...

So my play list for summer is growing...another complusory song...definitely. Enjoy...



P.S: Had to do some bank errands so was forced to go to the city today. Hot damn! It was FULL of people. Human beings everywhere. People just shopping, eating, drinking, making noise. Turists everywhere. Children, prams, cars, motor cycles, bicycles. People eating on side walks.

Jehovah! I almost got into a panic. Not to mention the metro. Full of all kinds of families. I know its easter and great weather...but...haba! Must we all be at the city at the same time?

Anyway, I bailed the hell out of there! I think I was the only one walking in the opposite direction...

Now I am home.

Migraine...

And nothing at home....7 more hours until dawn...

Lord have mercy.

I mean, until the shops open...

Paco the judo pop corn!

I am always inspired by this guy cos he just does his thing...I have most of his stuff...anyway, check this blog out and support if you can or you can go directly here on kickstarter.com. I am totally looking forward to seeing this on TV!

And this is me trying real hard...

So when the sun is out and its really good weather, normally the reason I go out is so I don't feel like I have not done something with the sun...that's how sick I am. I don't go out cos I want to, but to give myself some reassurance that the sun was not wasted.

So now, I have taken to timing myself. As far as I am in the sun, walking or sitting or reading, for 45 minutes, I feel like I have done my bit. And gladly, Persian guy is on the same wave length...

Him: Hello?
Me: What's up?

Him: What's are you up to?
Me: At home, chilling.

Him: Where you out in the sun today?
Me: Yeah...

Him: For how long?
Me: Like one hour...

Him: Well that's quite enough.
Me: yeah...

Him: I just finished from work, I am also going out into the sun
Me: For how long?

Him: Maybe 30 minutes or so...is that enough?
Me: Yeah...but maybe you can push it to 45 though...

Him: Hmmmm, maybe...talk to you later.
Me: Okay. Ciao.


The best thing about life is talking to people that totally get you. Its so effortless.

The sun is still out but I am going to cook instead and then I have to look for a book I bought ages ago so tmrw I can have something to read for this whole sun business.

1:07 and many thoughts...

I wish I could go out now and take a walk. In any other city, I would have. But not in this city.

When I lived in another city, I used to take night walks. Sometimes with friends and sometimes alone. There were always people outside.

I would just wear my shoes and say to my house mates, "I am going for a walk". Or I'd call my friends who lived in the adjacent street and ask if anybody wanted to go for a walk. There was always somebody.

We would walk through the streets, smoking ciggerates. Sometimes we would sit by a park and just watch people. Mostly drunkards.

Once, I sat down with my friend and she just started puking. In the waste basket beside the bench.

"What is wrong?" I asked

"I don't love him anymore" she said

"Shit. You are so fucked" I said

We never talked about it because for many years afterwards she was still with him.

I wish I could take a walk...

By the way...

For all my people who inspire me all the time. Friends, family, strangers.

Keep on keeping on...

Take it easy...hugs!

The Argentinian...

Please don't ask. Its just the way it is. As my friend says, I only attract dislocated souls. That's just how it is.

I met up with a friend of mine at a bar. She was with some people. Amongst them was an argetinian guy who was very nice but totally fucked up. Apparently, he just broke up with his girl of many years and he was still trying not to kill himself.

Of course I listened to his woes in life. That's my job when I go to bars. To listen to human bings and their stories.

Anyway, so he was very nice but at the end of the night, totally drunk. We found out we had a lot in common. Not only through experiences but also, he actually lived on the same street as me! The friend he was with made me promise to deliver him safely home, so I promised.

It was a weird journey. From being this extremely social and nice person, the moment his friend left, he practically withdrew into himself. He just put on his ear phones and was gone. In one way, it was much better than him puking or making an ass of himself on the train, so I did not really mind, whatever.

Anyway, I get him to our street and there, we see a whole bunch of people heading to some party. He starts saying we should go there and I tried to convince him to just go home. He looked like he was just spoiling for a fight cos back at the bar, he almost got into one with some guys outside but then, his friend had been there to pull him out. I told him there was no use going to a party if he just wanted to be sour there, and then I gave him a lecture on his foul attitude. He however, still insisted on crashing this party.

He was being totally impossible so I considered my job done. I could not convince him to go home so I just gave him my number(in case he got into trouble) and sent him along with the crowd.

Anyway, from being this very nice man, he became just a total pain. It was weird and irritating.

His whole vibe just changed. I hope he is okay and did not get into any fights. He seemed to be so nice...maybe he is just seriously fucked up.

What I do in my spare time...

I often have to make "exercises" that involves movement and music. The purpose is to get people to learn without the usual theory stuff...anyway, its hard to explain but basically,depending on the subject, I combine certain movements and music...the thing is, getting fitting music is quite hard cos it needs to be something that can allow them to move but give them freedom of expression while at the same time allowing their mind to associate everything together...like therapy.

Anyway, so I am always hung up on getting the right kind of music for whatever I am putting together. So far, everything I have chosen have worked out perfectly. I am getting better in finding music that allows for many things to happen...or at least I think I now know what I am looking for...

My last "exercise" was a big hit and then I had this song...



Here is a good one, I think, that allows for lots and lots of stuff...I predict this will also go well...

Thursday and feeling invincible...

Sometimes I feel like I can see everything and nobody sees what I see... or even sees me. I just sort of float around....which you might think is a bad thing but for me, its not. This is how I am when I am feeling good. I just sort of float around, existing but not existing at the same time. Its like I'm high...not really caring at all about anything but knowing at the same time that I have got to do the practical stuff...which is great because its "practical" stuff that often stresses me out and causes my anxiety. If only I could be like this all the time...

P.S: The weird thing about this kind of feeling good is that none of the guys I have ever been with have understood it. They always used to stress me with stupid questions "what is wrong?"...even when I said nothing was, my being like that stressed them out! ha ha ha. The only people that actually gets my "feeling good" signals are my family. They always know when I am feeling good and then, they use it to their advantage. Thats when somebody would say, "waffy, why not make your famous jollof rice?" or "don't you feel like baking today?"...and I would be like "yeah...sure, of course!"




P.S.S: and proof that today was a good day: I found two bottles of red wine and two cans of beer in a paper bag under my seat in the metro. I had a real struggle with my conscience about what to do with it. At first, I wanted to just leave it there, but there were so many teenagers and young people in that wagon so that would be a serious risk if any of them found it. Then the next option was to take it to the "lost and found" but I was seriously running late and the third option was to keep it, of course. Anyway, after discussing it with Persian guy, we decided that the best option was to drink it. First of all, we can't be sure that "lost and found" people will not drink it. Secondly, the chances of anybody actually going to the "lost and found" to check if their alcohol is there is quite slim...this city is full of alcoholics, especially on the train. They would know its a lost cause. Finally, its just alcohol. I am actually doing everybody a favour by keeping it. It's the responsible thing to do.

Needless to say, I am having a beer right now.

Cheers.

I will NEVER catch a grenade for any man...

I can't believe there actually was a time I could. I swear to God. I could have died for a man. I think I even did. Many times. I could climb a mountain, swim across oceans, all that stuff. Sacrifice my soul. I could have done anything for love. Thats how in love I could be. And I did too. Many times. I don't think I have ever been in a relationship where I was a priority. The other person always was the main focus. His well being, his dreams, his happiness...and I was just there to make it all happen...for him.

Now, I don't even go for a cup of coffee that is a bit out of my way. You wanna have a drink? Get on the bus, take a train, drive. Whatever. I could care less.

A male friend of mine was going on about how he wants to go to Jamaica but he wishes he had someone to go with him to enjoy it.

All that fucking longing, hoping, wishing, for that person...

Jeez. I am not saying it is not a good thing. Its a wonderful thing but is it wonderful enough to allow life pass you by because you ain't got it?

Nope. Its not that wonderful. My brain is wonderful. If I did not have my sanity, then I would be a bitter human being and life could pass me by for all I care cos anyway, I would not enjoy it.

However, as wonderful as "love" is (and in this case I am not talking about "romance" which is what so many people think is "love"...all that holding hands, doing romantic stuff, having great sex, running in the middle of the night to wait for someone, etc, all that is just good old romance, nothing to do with "love", thats why so many people end up wondering "but we were so in love, what happened?" Nothing happened. You were not in love. You were both in love with the romance. The fantasy world you both created) it is not worth that much to kill even a little bit of your soul over.

You already have love. From your family, from your friends, from God (if you are spiritual in that way). Love is already all around you. One more person loving you is great but thats just getting that wonderful "extra" cherry on your cake. The fact is you already have your cake. With all the icing even. The cherry is luxury cos not many people in the world is gonna get it.

What many people will get, is romance which will lead to that great institution called marraige. And anybody can be married.

Why would anybody wanna catch a grenade for that cheap commodity, romance?

That's cos romance often comes disguised as love and thats why we are willing to sell our souls in the search for romance because in our poor minds, this also leads to happiness.

Romance gives you pleasure, not happiness. Its pleasure for a while and when you stop being all romantic, that pleasure with also disappear.

And that is why I will never catch a grenade for any man. Because most of the time, what they are offering is nothing I even want.

I already have everything I want. There's nothing that needs completing anymore.

I am not willing to take any risks for romance.

For love, however, I can take a risk. I can make some time for you out of my very important life and meet you for coffee and if you find some good old stable road, we can perhaps hold hands and try and keep ourselves laughing all the way. However, I don't do mountain climbing, ocean swimming or grenade catching. As wonderful and great it would be to have a genuine friend and companion, its still just an extra luxury...that I can do without. So lets take it easy and enjoy life. Otherwise, I can always enjoy life alone.

Always...let me be kind...

Let me be patient, let me be kind
Make me unselfish without being blind
Though I may suffer, I'll envy it not

And every summer...

Another favourite summer song. It always works, men. Yep. I am ready for summer. I am already preparing my playlist for the summer. Damn skippy! I am so ready for summer men. I can't wait. Spring is just in the way.

The return of the Persian...

In case nobody remembers the Persian, here is his story.

I was not quite kind to him, I have to admit. After meeting him twice or so, I just stopped taking his calls. Not because I did not like him or that I did not have fun with him, but simply because of my own uselessness. It was during the time when I was not in the mood to meet anyone, and especially not men. I just wanted to be left alone. Also, my work then made it impossible for me to meet people. I was always tired and any free time I had, I spent sleeping. But it was mostly because I was not in a good state of mind. Anyway, after a while, he stopped calling. I met him once again on a bus and funny enough, he was not mad at me at all. He was really happy to see me and understood that I was just not feeling good. So he said I should call when I feel up to it and I promised him I would.

So yesterday, a year after I actually met him, I decided to call him. I remembered him cos recently, I met another guy from Persia and I was like, "shit! I forgot all about my friend". So anyway, I called him.

Again, I was surprised about his carefree attitude towards everything. He was just happy I was in contact again. No questions, nothing. Not even wondering "why" I had called. We just picked up like I had seen him yesterday. I, however, apologised for my behaviour. He was not even bothered. He was like, "thats how life is sometimes" etc.

Which then reminded me of how unforgiving I was recently to another friend of mine who did not return my calls or texts. I was so mad at him. In fact, I sent him a text saying I would never send another text to him in my life.

But the truth is, I do the same sometimes. I don't mean to, and especially not to people who I know genuinely like me, but it just happens. Its not a good enough explanation and perhaps thats why I get so mad at my friend.

Anyway, so we had a great time drinking and laughing. He has had a few adventures since the last time I saw him which was of course hilarious.

He is quite a kind person with genuine empathy and really, he could become a good friend because we are both spontanoeus, a bit unpredictable and totally rootless.

We are like drifting woods at sea. We just show up at places.

No comments...

We were friends once, I think.

Now I hardly know whats up with your life.

Except for facebook.

You put up pictures once in a while and get mad when I leave no comments.

But what do you want me to say?

I am not sure what sort of comments you expect from me.

Sometimes I am tempted to leave a comment as pretentious as all the others.

But I never do.

If I ever would leave a comment, it would be to ask, "how are you?"

or to say "hope life is treating you well"

But I never do that either.

I glance briefly at your pictures and think of how time has passed.

In a strange way, I am no longer interested in your life.

Perhaps thats because you are not interested in mine.

There are many friendships that even pictures on facebook could never revive.

I quite simply, have no comments.

Sunday morning...

For the ladies...

Spent most of saturday listening to all kinds of stories. Damn...the things women go through and put on themselves because of men...unbelievable.

While I know that it is incredibly hard to move on and requires a lot of strength, it is possible.

But I promise you, you won't die. If anything, you will become stronger and you will be very proud of yourself.

Women really take on too much on their souls. Because of men. So much hurt and pain. Its quite sad when you think about it.

Just free yourselves. And free him too. Let everyone just move on.

Saturday...

Life.

We can only be who we are.

Just be yourself and whatever, men.


Reading: "A dangerous liason" by Carole Seymour-Jones...I rarely read non fiction...so hope this will be good.

Weekend...

It's gonna be quite dry.

Going to hit the ghetto today to buy food and also, cos I have an interview there. So I am gonna kill two birds with one stone, I guess. I am trying to be better with my monthly shopping. Instead of buying stuff almost everyday. Its expensive and boring. I hate going to the shop everyday. As if I have nothing better to do. Like its a hobby. Its very irritating.

By the way, you know what happened to me yesterday? I went to a cafe to do some writing and instead of buying my usual coffee, I decided to get some tea instead. Roiboos. Anyway, so I drank a huge cup with honey. The mug was really huge. Anyway, right after I drank this, I began to feel extremely sleepy.I decided to go home and take a nap and all the way home I kept yawning and could hardly keep my eyes open. When I got home, I was out immediately. On the phone later in the day, I told my sister I was sure it was the tea but she just laughed. Now, after a bit of googling, I find out it is true! It does induce sleep. And has a calming effect, against anxiety, etc.

From now on, I will drink only roiboos at nights...imagine if this can finally help with my insomnia. It would be a miracle cos nothing "natural" has ever helped. So it would indeed be great thing...but I can't drink roiboos in the day time if I am going to be sleeping anyhow...maybe a small mug for relaxing effect or something...but definitely not a big mug like I drank...

Think less but see it grow...

Used to it.

Being with myself.

I read, listen to music. Write.

Now, I don't even remember when I fall asleep anymore.

All of a sudden, its night, then morning, then night.

I drink coffee. Go for walks. Watch movies. Make dinner.

Go for a drink.

Eat breakfast. Read newspapers.

Listening to...